Keeping up with the Joneses

**peanut** · 07-12-2008, 11:41 AM

Is anyone here in the situation where they have very well off relatives they are 'expected' to keep up with? How do you handle it? My relatives are not in debt. They are truly well off. And I'm some kind of pariah for saying I can't afford a cruise or a trip to Montreal or New York for a weekend of shopping. How do you all handle it?

Jean

**Dobby** · 07-12-2008, 11:54 AM

Some of my ex's family is like this...it's mostly birthdays and Christmas I always felt horrible because his brother/sil would get us and the kids such nice gifts, and because of lack of budgeting and my ex's unwillingness to give me any money, we spent maybe $20 on each of them.

I finally told them last year that I didnt' have the money, and that if my ex didnt' buy them gifts, then they wouldn't be getting any from my kids that year. They understood, thank goodness. I just can't afford to buy for both families.

As to the 'expectations', do they know your financial situation? I know a lot of people don't talk about it, but I've always been upfront about not being able to afford certain things with my family and friends.

**Ilovesewing** · 07-12-2008, 12:00 PM

Yes, both my sisters (married) and my parents SEEM to have more money than we do. It doesn't bother us, but it does bother them

None of them are wealthy, I do know that. My parents do fine as they have three retirement pensions coming in. One sister and her hubby don't have kids. I guess that would make them wealthy!

Other sister and hubby have two kids and she is a SAHM. They do fine as far as I know, but aren't rich.

All of them go on extensive vacations every year. More than one a year. However, they do things that dh and I have no interest in. Because we don't do as they do, they assume we can't afford it.

So what do we do about it? Ignore them. Let them think whatever they want, pay for their vacations however they are, and go about our own business.

My dad once told me 'You two should be doing better than you are.' However, we were not having a financial discussion at the time, we don't ask them for money, we don't go without, we are not in dire straits and complain that we are...the comment came from nowhere. Obviously, the family thinks we are dirt poor

Their 'thoughts' stem from the fact that we moved to a very small town 18 years ago and still live here in our 1450 sf house. They have all moved up to 2500-3000 sf houses and think because we haven't it's because we can't afford it. Therefore, they are much better off than we are

Sorry, small book there.

Live your own lives, manage your finances as you have been, and leave your family to their own thoughts. Don't worry about what they do, think, buy or say. If you do, and you TRY to keep up with the Joneses you will end up in deep financial trouble. Enjoy your own life and don't let them make you feel badly for it.

**my4littlebuffaloes** · 07-12-2008, 01:08 PM

Well, straight up actually. My sister and her husband make about 10 times what my dh makes. There is no possiblity of us even beginning to keep up. I don't even try. She doesn't understand when I say I can't afford something. sometimes she even says "yes you can you just aren't" Well sometimes this is true. All of our money has a name on it already, so yes technically we could go out and buy whatever it is, but then we wouldn't have as much saved for a new car, or we wouldn't be able to pay our taxes, or the kids wouldn't get the clothing they needed, etc. It is frustrating, but I just tell her that we can't afford to do whatever it is she is doing and wants us to do too. Right now we live a thousand miles apart, so it doesn't come up much. They are moving here next year though and it will make it more difficult I am sure. good luck!

**Lora88** · 07-12-2008, 01:14 PM

my parents and my brother are millionares as is my husbands sister and her husband so we are officially the "poor" ones in the family lol It doesnt bother me at all because we march to our own drummer and live our own lives you dont owe anyone an explanation for anything remember everything that glitters isnt gold

**shoiji** · 07-12-2008, 01:21 PM

Never had this problem. Family was always middle class. Even though I knew I made less than everyone they all have families and mortgages to pay for. So it pretty much evens out.

I wouldn't worry about what your family says or thinks. As long as you are making ends meet and are happy that is all that matters.

**ubumartin** · 07-12-2008, 01:43 PM

I feel that we could keep up with the Jones' if we wanted to (by being in debt.) The more I hear, the more I realize that the Jones' are in debt up to their eyeballs and can't afford the lifestyle they are portraying. I don't want to live like that and thankfully we have everything we need and a lot of what we want. I am thankful for our modest house and paid for vehicles and very little credit card debt which is paid off monthly.

**frugalandsimple** · 07-12-2008, 01:54 PM

A lot of my relatives are just getting by or are frugal because they want to be. Now, I lost touch with most of them so I don't know what's going on in their lives. My Sis & BIL are middle class and like to spend their money. I don't think they really save that much. The same with my brother but he's poor.

**momishem** · 07-12-2008, 02:11 PM

We are the poor ones in the family, but only in the "money" sense. Dh's brother and wife are very well educated and have great jobs and recently received a very large inheritance from her grandmother. His sister just received an inheritance from her natural father. This makes us the only ones in the family who do not have any extra money waiting for us to spend. We are looked down upon by them, but I feel that we have sooooo much more. A nice home, wonderful kids, and a 20+ marriage that we are both very happy with. They can have all the bells and whistles if they want. We are just happy. Period.

**jamie79** · 07-12-2008, 03:18 PM

If they are so concerened and wonder why your not taking a vacation tell them you would happily go on their dime

**MommyBliss** · 07-12-2008, 03:20 PM

In our families we are the ones doing well, but because we have 4 children and debt to pay off(from trying to keep up with the Joneses) we can't buy all the big things they do. I don't need a 64 inch flat screen(that fil had to point out to us that bil got), but at Christmas when they couldn't afford to buy any gifts for anyone that was okay and we all had to learn to donate, um okay. So, of course the inlaws didn't give gifts either, only to the kids(which is fine with me). We are also trying to prepare for any unnoticed disasters, so money is going to be scarce for awhile in their eyes. We're getting rid of tvs, we're trying to teach our children a different way of life.

**FrugalMomof3** · 07-12-2008, 03:22 PM

My Mom always has the best things and stuff like that, she always tells me "You can afford that" and she knows I cant... like it's a ploy to get me to go out shopping with her....

Everyday I go to her house she has something new, she always again mentions "You can afford that, stop being frugal!" and I tell her NO I CANT! I have kids to worry about, a mortgage an bills... she recently moved in my grandmother (her mother) so my grandmother pays the rent ($1000) so of course she has more money to spend, she on the other hand doesnt want to save, she's a super spender.... when will she learn?

Anyway, when someone tell me I can afford this, or let's do this or shop at the mall, I just come out and tell them I would much rather spend my money more wisely.

**treeluva** · 07-12-2008, 03:25 PM

My parents are well off - but they do not expect any of their children to have the same level of finances as they do, because, as they put it, "It took us our whole lives to get to this point. We weren't here at 30, 35, or 40!"

I live 700 miles from my siblings, so I don't really have the comparision factor with them. Actually, one of my brothers has never even been to Oklahoma to visit, and my eldest brother has only come here once.

I do know that even with the debt I carry, my mom is the least worried about me and my financial health, so I am probably doing better than the other two, even though they make at least $150,000 more a year than I do. But I never really tried to keep up with them. A lot of the things they spend their money on I just never could, like $10,000 family vacations every year. Even with my spending problems, I could never justify a $10,000 family vacation on my income.

**Mamaof2rugrats** · 07-12-2008, 04:39 PM

Most of my family is blue collar working class. No where near middle class even and I'm certainly no exception. There are a few in my family with more money who like to show it off but I don't pay any mind to people like that. Just have no desire to keep up with anyone. I know I'm poor so I don't attempt to spend like I'm not.