It seems the frugality is a one-sided effort...

[MomToTwoBoys]

DH and I have been on the frugal bandwagon since May. We decided it was time to buckle down and get our finances in order, look at how we were spending our money and learn to budget ourselves way better. We had been doing really well for the last few months, but I'm sure many of you will read my rant in the other section about something that came up tonight.

Anyways, I went into DH's bank account to see what his balance was and it was dangerously close to going into overdraft. I got the biggest knot in my stomach. He gets paid on Thursday, but the kicker is this:

They fudged on his hours and forgot to pay him 40 hours. That's about 700 dollars worth.



We have money in our EF. That's not an issue. We also have both kids' school things bought and paid for, plus DS has a new pair of glasses coming at the end of the week. We also have DS' dental payments budgeted so that they're nestled into our EF. In other words, we just take money out of savings that we paid before and when we get reimbursed, it goes right back into savings.

I get money this week and DH gets paid Thursday. We have a good sized stockpile and we only have two bills besides the mortgage to worry about until September 1st. DS' bus fees were put into savings back in May and we'd only have to take about $68 out of the EF to cover DS #2's school fees.

This is the thing that bothers me:

It seems like DH isn't on board anymore with the frugal thing. He's letting his spending habits slip. I don't want to be on his case about it because well, it is his money and he does need to eat out. However, we have a freezer that has lunches in it and he just keeps forgetting to take them with him. He's been leaving the lights on after coming back inside from having a smoke, which has always irritated me.

I just feel like this frugal lifestyle is more one-sided than anything. I have to take into account how finances are going to go over the next week or two and I don't want to come off as being hypocritical because I went to the mall with my mom on Sunday and spent $50 on myself. I also spent $20 on him for a new pair of shorts and money on DS #1 for two pairs of sneakers for school.

Do I just try to adapt to one part of being frugal, or do I push all of the other parts of it into common practice? I really don't want to cause any conflict between he and I, but it's getting to where I'm up until 1am some nights worrying about where every single penny is going and why some of those pennies are going towards things we just didn't budget for.

[Greebo]

You don't want to cause a conflict, but you had an agreement with your husband. He isn't living up to his end of the bargain. So whats your alternative - try to carry his end of the bargain for him? Sacrifice more yourself so he can act selfishly?

I think you need to raise the issue. Do it politely, gently, but firmly - "I'm noticing that lights are getting left on and lunches are getting left behind. I believe we had agreed that lights were going to be off and you were going to take lunch, not buy it. The bank account's running out of money now, and I'm concerned. What's going on?"

[Russ]

You don't want to cause a conflict, but you had an agreement with your husband. He isn't living up to his end of the bargain. So whats your alternative - try to carry his end of the bargain for him? Sacrifice more yourself so he can act selfishly?

I think you need to raise the issue. Do it politely, gently, but firmly - "I'm noticing that lights are getting left on and lunches are getting left behind. I believe we had agreed that lights were going to be off and you were going to take lunch, not buy it. The bank account's running out of money now, and I'm concerned. What should WE do?"

Fixed it for you Greebo.

[elphie]

I recently had a similar issue with my dh. For us it works best for me to begin the discussion with the reasons we decided together to be frugal. We talk about the benefits of this lifestyle and everything we gain. I then ask him to honestly think about what is most important... is eating out or a soda at the gas station more important than ________ (you fill in the blank here). Usually the answer is no, of course not; he regains perspective and gets back on board. Sometimes the answer is yes and we have to adjust accordingly; no budjet will work if one party feels resentful about it and either cheating will occur or worse yet, tension in your relationship.

I find that any discussion is more successful (and feels less like nagging) when it is framed with moving toward overall happiness is much better received than moving toward a financial goal... sometimes we need to be reminded why we made those finacial goals in the first place.

[cheles2kids]

Good advice already.
But, I want to add in another perspective.

My husband and I are beginning our budgeting system, and as we all know, it's always a work in progress. I think even moreso, when you've not used one previously and are trying to implement something completely new & foreign, we are creatures of habit.
This has been a HUGE learning curve for us both, some weeks I seem to do better than he does, other weeks he seems to have it down better than I do.

What I'm getting at is, maybe a discussion is in order, as Greebo suggested.
But I would be wanting to find out more than anything, why he's having problems in these areas, than automatically trying to fix the problem.
Obviously the there has to be an answer and he sounds like he needs some help in getting back on track.

But maybe he's feeling a bit deprived? Maybe too many changes all at once? Maybe he's looking at it from a different perspective?
Then, you two work together to try to figure out what needs to change to make the situation better.
Does he get an "allowance" of spend money that he doesn't have to budget around or talk to you about before using it?
Maybe that would help?

Is he having problems with keeping up with what he spends? Maybe you can work out a system that would help him with this?

I'm sure you've already covered this, but does he know how you really feel when you see his account balance? Is he aware of how scared it makes you to realize that it's so low and that you start worrying over it?

I'm definately not making excuses for him, but if he seemed to be on board before and now you feel like he's let things go, maybe together if you can figure out exactly what it is that's kind thrown him off the wagon, and then together you can come up with a solution.

The biggest thing I've learned while going through this process, Mike & I think about money completely differently.
We also worry about different things when it comes to our money.

Our weekly talks started out REALLY stressful, there were arguments and heated discussions. But, now that we've made it a habit of making time each week to talk to each other about it, we've learned how to communicate so much better.
I try to listen more and he tries not to get as upset.

I knew going into this that it would be a life changing situation, but I don't think I knew how big of a change it would be.
For a couple that's been married 18 years and never used a budget and now all of a sudden trying to figure out how to work it, it's definately been life changing.

Hugs to you and I hope that you can get it resolved together.

[monkeywrangler71]

This is a difficult position and one that I struggle with. If you are the only person in the house who is frugal you will eventually become bitter and discouraged with your lack of progress. On the other hand if you have to keep reminding your spouse, then he just thinks you're nagging him and starts tuning you out.

I find it much more effective to address the individual areas where he is slipping and then think of solutions. Eating out at lunch was a huge issue here, now I just go down in the morning and put my husband's lunch in his bag myself.

[mommy4ever]

YOu guys sat down a few months ago and were motivated.

Perhaps it's time to do a budget review. Revise it so it works better.

Bank cards can be like credit cards, you just don't realize what you're spending, it's convenient. Maybe all the bank cards should be left at home, and allotted blow money is cash only? Or get a President Financial account(100% free) for you guys that has gas money in it, and blow money. No over draft, never use checks, so one has to track it. Cause when the money is gone, the bank card won't work

[MomToTwoBoys]

I sent him an email this morning because he left before I could talk to him (he's working 12 hour days lately and is gone by about 6). I'm gonna have a discussion with him tonight about the lunch stuff because while that may seem small to him, it's going to drive me nuts unless I say something.

Bah, I have to go take Dakota to school but I did read all your responses and they were marvelous! I'll respond more when I get back.

[lanford66]

What great advice everyone has had so far. I'll put my 2 cents in and say that my husband was like yours too. We're extremely frugal and watch our $$, but it did help my DH when we set a certain amount for his weekly "allowance". He tells everyone his "mommy" gives him an allowance. LOL I don't question where it goes since its his to do whatever he wants. Solved a WHOLE lot of problems with us.

[frugalbabe]

In my family both dh and I recognize our problem with spending and are generally both on board with the sacrifices that have to be made if we're going to be able meet our goals. But I am definitely the one who is more driven with it. We'll be going along just fine and I am totally into the groove of not spending not spending. When suddenly (yesterday) dh will tell me about a tool auction that is going to happen this weekend. Now he really loves and uses his tools but it just kind of throws me for a loop that he sees no problem with spending when I really thought we were in this together. He kind of sees our frugality as something that after a month or is like "ok that was fun can we go back to normal now?" I'm not sure if he really sees the scope of how long it is going to be until we get to where we need to be. Just a difference in personality I guess, although I guess I can be rather obsessive.

[MomToTwoBoys]

Yeah I always figured that this was going to take some time to adjust. He was doing really well, taking stuff to work and only spending on gas and smokes. He then started working 12 hour days every day and losing weight because he wasn't eating enough. I sort of told him I wanted him to eat more, but I had hoped it would be stuff from home.

Perhaps I'm not doing enough on my part to make sure he's taking enough food with him to work. I think he's getting the fast food out of simply a convenience issue because there are times when he isn't getting to the cafeteria to reheat anything to eat.

We've only been plugging away at this for three months, going on four, and I didn't expect a quick change to something he's been habiting for five years now.

[Cricketlegs]

I love allowances--they take the guesswork out of the whole equasion.

[Starlight9803]

everyone has already given you wonderful advice, but I wanted to say that I know how you feel. DH hops off the frugal bandwagon from time to time, and I find that if I talk with him about it (as long as it isn't accusingly), things work out ok. I've found my DH tends to get burnt out on "all frugal - all the time" quicker than I do, and I've learned to roll with it to some extent. Good luck hon, and I'm sure things will be fine as soon as you both get a chance to sit down and talk.