my version of frugal, my realization

**perSue** · 08-24-2008, 08:53 PM

so it finally dawned on me what my "purpose" in life is.
it's something i've always known as a child - perhaps it's the imposition that has molded me in this way.

i'm the sacrificer.

i give up, do without, don't have, give away, etc... so that others may have/do/be/etc.

i dont know if this is a good or bad thing... i guess it's neutral, as I am.

i've always been this way.
i've always let others have before I think about myself...

I'm the sacrificer.

i do without - what most people take for granted - and don't complain.

it's my job.
that's my life.

**Ilovesewing** · 08-24-2008, 09:25 PM

This is something that moms do....everybody is taken care of before mom takes care of herself. You have kids?

**Kris B** · 08-24-2008, 10:12 PM

Oh my gosh, we must be twins. I am sooooo the same way. It must be a mom thing.

**DJ1972** · 08-24-2008, 10:24 PM

My mom was this way. I used to try to talk her into doing things for herself, then I realized that doing for herself made her uncomfortable, and she was truly happier when she was doing for others.
Me, on the other hand, I need a little TLC now and then or I get pouty.

**peanut** · 08-24-2008, 10:34 PM

I'm a sacrificer. I inherited money last year and my girls gave me a rough time, claiming I wouldn't be able to spend any on myself. Well, i thought about that a lot. I actually had the money all divvied up for other people/causes. But I thought about my mom and what she would want me to do with it, and you know, I went out and spent some on myself! I think I shocked everyone.LOL I'm with your mom though, DJ1972, it sure felt uncomfortable! And boy, did I feel guilty!

Jean

**elphie** · 08-24-2008, 10:43 PM

If this truly makes you happy then ok... however you need to realize that if you always give from your cup w/o ever refilling it there will eventually be nothing left to give. It is like the airline safety instructions when they tell you to put your own oxygen mask on first and then assist others in case of emergency... you are of no use to anyone if you are passed out on the floor.

**forHISglory** · 08-24-2008, 10:46 PM

I was thinking about this topic a lot last year. It came to me that life is all about sacrifice. Whether it is great or small, everyone sacrifices something sometime.

When a person labels himself or herself as the sacrificer, it is neither good nor bad as it depends on circumstances. If someone continually sacrifices as a way to keep the peace or to make people notice him or her, then it's a sacrifice with strings. If someone sacrifices with no thought of return and takes joy in the giving, then it's a sacrifice of the heart.

My mom was the great sacrificer; she took joy in her giving. I am that way to an extent, but not nearly what my mother is. And I tend to get impatient when others don't appreciate my sacrificing.

**perSue** · 08-24-2008, 11:12 PM

I don't think it's something I take joy in.
Yet I don't take it as something negative.

It's just what I'm "supposed" to do.
Everyone expects me to be the one to give up vacations, hobbies, money, time, expectations, etc., so that others may have those things.

It's neither positive nor negative with me.
It just is.

This is how "I" am frugal.

I sacrifice... myself.

I feel I'm a drone. I have no greatness to offer - no Nobel Prizes in my future. So there's little loss.

I have no negative nor positive feelings on this.

I just am.
A sacrificer.

**elphie** · 08-25-2008, 12:21 AM

having no feelings about who you are IS negative... you deserve joy in this life! I recommend reading Burnt Toast by Teri Hatcher... I know, I know, what could you possible learn from a "Desperate Housewives" actress, LOL. But honestly the book brought a lot of clarity to me about this topic.

She talks about how as the mom you ALWAYS take the piece of burnt toast so no one else has to. Which is fine to an extent, til you start to actually believe that they deserve the good toast more than you. Not necessarily that you don't deserve it, just not as much as others and that is the begining of a dark path.

It is also an example we set for our kids. I grew up thinking I was supposed to sacrifice also and my mother is the ultimate martyr. I thought about this and the example I am setting for my daughter. Do I want her to think she has to sacrifice herself for others. Even typing that brought tears to my eyes because I want so much more for her. I am breaking the cycle for her sake.

**Ceashels** · 08-25-2008, 09:07 AM

Originally Posted by perSue

I feel I'm a drone. I have no greatness to offer - no Nobel Prizes in my future. So there's little loss.

I have no negative nor positive feelings on this.

I just am.
A sacrificer.

These are very devaluing statements that you are telling yourself. Stop it.

You said that you don't have negative feelings on it but your choice of wording says otherwise.

How can you say there is "little loss?" You are a part of a dynamic system and when one part of that system breaks down the whole system breaks down. How can you not consider the greatness of being part of something bigger than yourself?

You are an integral part of your family system You are role model, teacher, analyst, product supplier, foreman, cook, chief, and bottle washer. You make it happen. Perhaps you do so thru some sacrifices but if you see that all you do is a sacrifice of yourself then you will come to a time when there is nothing left to sacrifice. The bucket will be empty.

It sounds as though you are emptying the bucket and not refilling it. You need to start doing things to you so you remain healthy. Healthy people don't view themselves as drones. Healthy people don't believe or feel they have no greatness to offer. Healthy people don't feel they are of such little value that they are of "little loss."

Your perception of your role and value ultimately rests on you. You need to start looking for the positive of what you do.

Consider the connotation and feelings you get from the following words:

Sacrificer

Giver

Perhaps you are the giver in your family. Perhaps all of those little things you do are gifts to those you love. I would like to challenge you to rewrite your posts (you don't need to post them) using the term GIVER. Is it you doing without or so they have? Which is more important? The loss of what you have or the gain that helps them?

Its time to turn the coin over and see it from a positive perspective and not the negative.

Hugs to you. Lots and lots of healthy hugs.

**Greebo** · 08-25-2008, 09:20 AM

Consider this - if you had no life to live, of what benefit would you be to anyone else around you?

You must have your own life in order to be able to be of benefit to anyone elses life.

So it follows that putting others lives BEFORE your own is not only destructive to yourself but to those whom you wish to be helping.

You must put on your own Oxygen Mask before you put the Oxygen Mask on those around you who need one too.

**Ms. Clear** · 08-25-2008, 02:20 PM

I found the original post very sad. I hope that you, perSue, can reach a point where you both give AND get. Families should all share the burden for the common good.

**FrugalWitch** · 08-25-2008, 02:56 PM

There are days I feel the same way, perSue. You don't have to be a parent to relate. Being full-time care-giver to the disabled/elderly will do a number on you as well.

I'm sorry you feel so low.

**Parksfamily5** · 08-25-2008, 04:27 PM

I have to agree with FrugalWitch. You do not need to be a parent to relate. I am also in the " sacraficer" group as most would see it. I am this way with my children, husband, friends, etc. However.... I get joy from it. It makes me happy. I love taking care and nurturing others. I guess that is why I chose nursing as my career.