I deserve it syndrome

**missmanny** · 09-07-2008, 11:25 PM

This has been my biggest stumbling blok - but I think that I have overcome it, purely by weighing up needs and wants.

When I first started my frugality and debt reduction journey, I knew that I had serious issues with money and was very irresponsible, so I cut back, I read everything I could find and worked out a program to pay down my debt and decreas my costs so that once the debt was paid for there would be plenty of money to start saving for things that I really wanted.

Then the I deserve it syndrome kicked in, I don't know if any one else suffers from this but it goes a bit like this... I do't need this new dress/pair of shoes/dinner out HOWEVER I have been super super good this pay period and so I derserve a little bit of a treat.

It has taken lot of effort to muffle my little I derserve it voice but for that last 6 months it has been pretty much gone from my life and it has made all of the difference.

Then ast night he crept back into my head, my answer to him was- if it isn't in the budget it doesn't get bought! He went away pretty quickly.

My question is - do you have to live with these little deamons forever or do you have to continually put yourself into check - do the voices ever go away?

**madhen** · 09-07-2008, 11:27 PM

I am definitely guilty of this, as well. I am trying to think ahead to when all my debts are paid off, and I will actually be able to indulge a bit without it coming with a 29% interest charge!

**Cricketlegs** · 09-07-2008, 11:30 PM

I don't think I have that problem.

My problem is I want a camper. I miss my camper and it has been gone for years.

One day when the debt is gone, savings is secure, retirement is increasing and the kids are out of school.....maybe I can have one...

WOW--my life is as structured as the permanant ink in my budget book. No new toy thrills me as much as seeing the new balances on my debt.

I just wish I had MORE to add to my snowball to make them go away faster.

I have been all over the budget with a fine toothed comb--I can't find any more money....

So, the "I wants" are not a problem for me.

**frugalbabe** · 09-07-2008, 11:56 PM

Oh yeah I'm there with you. Dh and I work hard and all of our friends that make the same $$$ are always going out and doing this and that. But one thing that really helps me is I have several neighbors that are older than us that I really look up to. They are in the same profession dh is and yet they have stuck around this same nighborhood drive modest cars etc. But they can travel or buy pretty much anything they want. As I have gotten to know them they have all told me the same things when we were your age we took stock in what we had, were careful with our income, invested wisely and avoided debt like the plague. I want to be where they are when I "grow up" so I know I need to pay the price now. So whenever the "I deserve it" monster sneaks in I literally look out my front door and get my priorities back in line!

**Luv2BeFrugal** · 09-08-2008, 12:50 AM

I used to get them... A few months ago we reached a point where we could squeeze out a teeny bit of "fun money"... We each get "$x/month" for games, toys, eating out...whatever we want. But that's it...it's not a lot, but it makes a difference when you know you can at least have a little something. And not on credit!

**Jskell911** · 09-08-2008, 06:00 AM

I do get that "I deserve it" once in a while, but my major issue is buying for others. That is hard to overcome!

**elphie** · 09-08-2008, 07:41 AM

I used to get that but no more. I have reached a point where I understand that what I really deserve is peace of mind and security, and my kids deserve to grow up with parents who aren't stressed about money all the time. That is worth so much more than anything else I could ever buy.

**pollypurebred39** · 09-08-2008, 08:04 AM

To tell you the truth the only time he sneaks in is when I'm overwhelmed by my life and I just want to sneak off and have some alone time with my husband. A weekend vacation. Of course I suck it up, but I can't help feeling really down about the whole thing. Our youngest is a special needs kid and when you are a caretaker 24-7 it can just suck the life out of you. Vacations alone just my husband and me are sanity keepers. But life does not always work out like we have planned so vacations are off the table. But you bet I get the I want/I deserves, I just can't honor them.

**cheapskate 49** · 09-08-2008, 08:52 AM

Most of us probably get that feeling-and we do deserve it,we all work hard but maybe what we deserve needn't cost anything-a trip to the library and a half hour reading time,a nap,a nice long walk,tea and cookies,petting the cat.
I am also a believer in taking an allowance that way you can buy yourself a treat without breaking the budget

**ironmaiden** · 09-08-2008, 11:59 AM

My problem is that I say "we can afford it".
We only have the mortgage for debt and compared to everyone else in this state, we have very little left and will be paid off in 4 years. And we are contributing fully to the 401K. So therefore I justify buying stuff. But we could be doing better. There could be more non-retirement money and DH is getting itchy to travel and we haven't put aside money for the big trips he wants to do now that the kids are older.

The other killer is that the kids are in school full-time for the first time and I technically have free time that I've never had before. So part of me wants to wander stores that I haven't had the time to do in 9 years. To wander seaport towns. And I really want some new clothes for ME!!!

Meanwhile I have to get back to mowing the lawn

AT least it will keep me out of trouble ...

**itsahumanzoo** · 09-08-2008, 12:14 PM

I get that feeling every now and then. But as my will is getting stronger, and my desire to get us out of debt for good is growing as well, I am able to tell myself to shut up when I start wanting! I try to find little treats to indulge in that don't have to come out of my pocket, though. Since I had to cut the allowance out, it's hard. I do treat the change jar, and recycling money as free money, so once in a while when those add up we can have a little treat. Maybe going to the movies with DH, maybe something silly out of the $1 section at Target for me. I also frequent Craigslist and Freecycle. I recently made a barter, I traded some store credit from Bath and Body works for some new items from a Pampered Chef seller. It was a great trade!

**Russ** · 09-08-2008, 12:23 PM

Originally Posted by Jskell911

I do get that "I deserve it" once in a while, but my major issue is buying for others. That is hard to overcome!

Honey, is that you? Are you my wife?

or wait... Is this you?

Originally Posted by ironmaiden

My problem is that I say "we can afford it".

One of you two MUST be my wife.

**Cricketlegs** · 09-08-2008, 12:42 PM

I believe so much in the allowance. The allowance can make or break a budget.

There is just something about having a few bucks in my wallet that keeps me calm. I really don't even spend it that much--maybe on the kids or whatever but I have it.

Now we have a bad month and my allowance is the first thing I cut, then I start shaving from the gorceries etc.

I am working for the new year--then it will be almost a year of D Ramsey and I can sit back and say--"hey look at what we did to our debt balances!" instead of "what am I gonna do with all this cr*p I bought?"

The payoff is in the debt balances.

**elphie** · 09-08-2008, 01:33 PM

I'm ammending my previous answer to this post... I think the more true joy and peace I achieve the less I look to things to make me happy, even vacations which I thought would be the hardest to give up as I've always had a bit of wander lust. But the more I know myself, the more honest I am with myself about what truly makes me happy the less I want. My mom asked me what I thought I might want for Christmas two weeks ago, I still haven't given her an answer because I truly can't think of a thing. And its not a self-sacrificing/martyr complex I am truly content with my life and the thought of bringing in more clutter just doesn't appeal to me.

**zakity** · 09-08-2008, 01:39 PM

Yep... I try to find free/cheap indulgences for us.

One of my best ideas:
I like pretty scented soaps and stuff. Well, some of them... And, being mom, I never buy them for myself. And, I have a bunch of males around me (bad shoppers) and DH never remembers until the day before a holiday, so I wind up with crappy gifts (really stinky candles and bath stuff from the dollar store) from the guys. I don't mind dollar store stuff. But, you know, it would be nice if someone thought about it a little before the night before and preplanned it a little. I don't know who DH thought he was fooling with the "I need to run an errand and I need to take all three boys with me" thing.

So, after xmas, I started buying myself gifts for the year. I buy those gift baskets with all the little soaps and bath stuff in smells that I like when they are 75 to 90% off. I throw them in the garage in a rubbermaid tub. When it is a gift-giving holiday, the boys go out and pick something out of the tub. I get something I want and can actually use for about the same cost (or cheaper) as what he would have spent at the dollar store, DH doesn't have to stress out and drag the boys out the night before the holiday, we aren't expending 14+ miles worth of gas, no wrapping is involved, and all is wonderful. And, I get to indulge myself a little.

I will spend the money (out of the grocery budget) for good chocolate. I then throw it in the freezer. When I want something like that, I will grab a piece or two out and suck on it. Being frozen, it melts in your mouth and it makes it last longer. I get a longer amount of enjoyment out of the chocolate, a piece or two will do me, and it saves money because I am not buying a ton of crappy chocolate trying to get the same amount of pleasure from it. It also saves a ton of calories.

We are going to move at some point. I have started doing the "do I love it enough to bring it into the house knowing it will need packed and moved". It is amazing how much that helps with not buying things.

I have also started the "I need" thing. When I am going to buy something, I ask myself if I need it or if I want it. I also ask myself what other purposes can it be used for. If it only has one use, I try to figure out if something else can be used for that one use instead of whatever it is. If it can stand up to the scrutiny, then I purchase it. If it can't, then I don't.

DH and I have also started doing "errand dates" instead of spendy nice dates out. For our annivesary, we went and checked out Ikea because we had never gone. We went out for breakfast and then had lunch while we were at Ikea. We also ran several errands that were in that area or were on the way there or on the way home. It was an enjoyable day, we got errands accomplished, and we spent like $30 total for eating out instead of probably twice that for a nice meal out.

We didn't do a planned vacation this year because of the prices of gas and groceries. But, we have done a few local day trips that we found that are free. We just did a Ice Age Flood tour over the weekend. It was really interesting and we got to see some beautiful scenery that we would have never have seen. And, we learned a ton also. Actually, I have found that these day trips are way less of a hassle than trying to organize and pack 5 people for a vacation. We usually drive anywhere we go and packing everything is a nightmare. These day trips are great! And, we get to come home and sleep in our own beds that night.