Want to Request NO presents for my Son's Birthday Party...

**CYork** · 09-14-2008, 08:27 PM

I am so sick of having a birthday party for my child (now 7 years old) and having him receive sooooo many presents from his friends that generally either break, get lost or are never played with. I also hate handing out goodie bags filled with junk and candy. What a waste of money. Who needs another piece of junky plastic made in China, another eraser, pencil or bouncy ball. We have a million of these...

This year I want to state on the invitation a request that no presents be given and that any brought anyway will be donated to charity. Does this sound terrible? I just want their friends to come and have fun playing and enjoying cake (homemade).

By the way, for our wedding, we also requested no presents so I guess I've always felt this way. I'm really not into "stuff" and hate the idea that people are spending their resources buying me something that I really do not need nor want

Anyone else feel this way? I wish there was a new revolution of moms committed to this notion. I'd be all over that!

**AmyBoz** · 09-14-2008, 08:30 PM

A family who goes to my school practices something similar. Whenever they have a birthday party, they request no presents, but instead, they ask for donations to the food pantry.

**missmanny** · 09-14-2008, 08:31 PM

I think it is a great idea.

**LexTysMommy** · 09-14-2008, 08:37 PM

I think a food donation is great idea. i know with my own kids, they LIKE picking out toys/things for friends. so hopefully their parents will explain to them that no gifts, or it will be given away. my kids would be crushed if they bought gifts come to find out later they didnt even go to their friend.

**Luv2BeFrugal** · 09-14-2008, 09:00 PM

Originally Posted by AmyBoz

A family who goes to my school practices something similar. Whenever they have a birthday party, they request no presents, but instead, they ask for donations to the food pantry.

This is a fantastic idea!! Could you put that in the invitation instead?

**MomToTwoBoys** · 09-14-2008, 09:45 PM

I wouldn't ask to have people not send gifts to my child's birthday. That's just me. I would simply do the following:

Hand out invitations and on the invitation, state that the toy must be of good quality and not liable to break easy. You can also ask him what he really wants for his birthday and put that on the card.

Giving the gifts that are considered to be unwanted by you, to charity to another child, just seems wrong to me if they break easily. You want to give things to charity that are dependable, desireable and will last for a while. Giving things that break easy to charity for children who have almost nothing is like giving them nothing.

I'd just ask the parents to bring the things he wants the most and if they can't do that, then don't invite them the next year.

(My kids get gifts like that all the time but lately we've been asking them what they want and give them the things they're liable to play with. We also remind them that they have toys to play with instead of watching TV or being on the computer.)

**Missourimom** · 09-14-2008, 09:55 PM

No, I wouldn't do it. I think a seven year old child deserves to be a child and have a normal birthday party like all of the other children. I think you should give HIM the choice on what he would like to do when he is older and for now, let him enjoy his special day. However, I do think it's fine for you to ask people not to give you gifts since you're an adult.

**azangie** · 09-14-2008, 10:19 PM

MomToTwoBoys,

Am I reading this right? If someone invited to your sons' parties can't bring the gift he wants, they don't get invited? WOW that sounds a little harsh. What a thought to teach your kids. Only be friends with those who give you what you want. (Sure hope I missed your point :-) )

I agree with Missourimom. For now let him be a kid and when he's older, let him choose what he wants.

**macemesmum** · 09-14-2008, 10:23 PM

I agree with Missourimom I think a 7 year old deserves to be spoilt on his birthday! My dd just had her 7th birthday this year and what we did was had it at home she invited 27 kids!!! she got lots of gifts, but we only brought her a couple as she was having a big party. IN relation to giving out junk in lolly bags what i did was a pinata with a couple of pieces of candy each and a lucky dip befroe they went home that had colouring books, hair ties, fairy wish jars etc the kids loved it and the parents didnt get a bag with balloons and little bits of rubbish in it. But i firmly believe its ok for an adult to ask for no presents but let kids be kids while they still can, if you dont want a whole bunch of presents only invite a small number of kids.

**cissylu** · 09-14-2008, 10:32 PM

I agree the kid should get his presents. He`s 7 for gosh sake. let him enjoy them.. If you don`t want any at your birthday, that okay.

**peanut** · 09-14-2008, 10:38 PM

We used to limit the number of guests...and we'd suggest the parents not spend more than $20, because it can get out of hand with people trying to outdo each other. A lot of people appreciated that. Most people didn't spend $20 on a child's birthday present 15 years ago anyway. A lot of people made things.

I used to make my own treat bags and fill them with craft things I bought in bulk and split up into smaller bags. I'd put in stickers, crayons, notepads, the requisite piece of candy, maybe a party toy that made noise, and that was about it. One year I put in a paper puppet with clips that they could put together and play with. I picked up small games that were good for hand-eye coordination or developed thinking skills at the teacher's store for a buck each. Each treat bag was under $5, and we never had more than 10 guests...period.

Jean

**Neeley** · 09-14-2008, 11:12 PM

We do no gift parties for our kids. I always put on the invitations "No Gifts, Please". Also, if given the chance I verbally tell the parents we prefer no gifts be given.

Our kids get so much from family for their birthdays as it there is no reason for others to spend their money on them. Last month DS celebrated his birthday. Just from our families he got over $400 cash.

Both kids are perfectly fine with the way we do parties. Some of their friends' families struggle financially and the kids would rather have their friends come to their party, have a fun time and not have to stress over a gift than have them not come at all because they could not afford a gift.

Our kids do not feel like they are missing out on anything. We have had talks about it over the years. Their friends coming to the party and celebrating with them is their gift from their friends.

ETA: Of the money DS received for his birthday, he gave one of his friends $25 of it. This friend is being raised by a single dad and they really struggle. The friend's dad's birthday was in a couple of days. DS wanted his friend to take his dad to the movies for his birthday so he gave him $25 so the friend could do something for his dad's birthday. Not only is he perfectly fine with not getting gifts from his friends, but he chooses to do for others with what he does receive from family.

Bottom line - it is your child, your choice. Do it the way you feel is best. I doubt any child has been severely damaged by having a no gift party.

**MomToTwoBoys** · 09-15-2008, 12:27 AM

Originally Posted by azangie

MomToTwoBoys,

Am I reading this right? If someone invited to your sons' parties can't bring the gift he wants, they don't get invited? WOW that sounds a little harsh. What a thought to teach your kids. Only be friends with those who give you what you want. (Sure hope I missed your point :-) )

I agree with Missourimom. For now let him be a kid and when he's older, let him choose what he wants.

Actually, you read it wrong. Perhaps I also didn't elaborate further as to the pertinent reasoning behind my opinion.

My whole point was that if she's going to tell people not to bring gifts for her son because they break easily or because he won't play with them after a while, maybe she needs to ask her child what they want and then recommend those gifts to the people attending the party. It's alot better than sitting here and being irate over something that she can control from the start.

I teach my children to be friends with everyone, no matter what. I also teach my children that quality items are better being given to people rather than spending one to two dollars on the present because it's just a passing thought. Lastly, I also teach my children that it's good to tell people the things you like and to appreciate what they get by spending time with them. I wouldn't want to teach my children that 'oh you have so many toys and you never play with them, so we're not letting you have any more presents this year'. Let the child do what he wants with what he's given. If it was the adult receiving the item, then it's completely different.

**CYork** · 09-15-2008, 12:39 AM

It was interesting reading everyone's perspective on the topic. Thank you all for your input.

I've decided to request that my child's guests not bring any presents. I seriously doubt he'll be in therapy when he's in his adult years due to the fact that he only received birthday gifts from family. Trust me, he receives plenty from extended family members.

I've never revealed this before on this website, but my husband is an extremely high income earner (probably in the top 1/2 of 1% in the US). (This isn't something I would usually disclose. In fact, many of our friends have no idea regarding our economic position.) The school district which my son attends includes mostly lower-middle class families, many of whom are struggling financially. I have deep respect for the family's of many of my son's friends who do are doing what they can to survive this economic downturn. I personally feel that their hard-earned money should be used for other things rather than buying my son gifts that he doesn't need. If they want to buy other children stuff, fine. I speak only for my family.

My husband and I have always emphasized experiences with our kids over things. As an example, our children have traveled extensively around the globe yet do not own a WII, X-Box or other high-priced electronic. (No offense meant to anyone who owns these things... please don't misread me.) I am also training them to see the world with the vision of "what can I do to help." We recently included the kids in a meeting with a local international humanitarian group whereby we made a very large donation to build a well in Africa for families who do not have clean drinking water. (Again, this is the only time I've ever disclosed this to anyone as we prefer to help anonymously.) We wanted to "lead by example." That's why we include our children in our charitable contributions.

I suppose my request for no toys is simply an extension of what I'm trying to teach our kids- namely, "I have what I need, what can I do to help others." Yes, my son is still a child and delights in typical kid-type notions (i.e., receiving presents). However, I feel that for my family this is one small way that we can encourage less emphasis on materialism. He will still receive many gifts from family and will have the opportunity to spend a fun-filled afternoon (at our house) celebrating his birthday with his friends. Does it get any better than that?

I certainly do not want to imply that this approach is right for every child. But, I feel good about it for us.

**MomToTwoBoys** · 09-15-2008, 01:08 AM

If you want to show your child how much he can help others that are less fortunate, then simply asking the parents to make a donation to the food bank would be sufficient. If you're primarily asking the parents not to bring presents because of the present quality or the fact that he has toys he simply does not play with, that's not teaching your child any good values. That's teaching him some rather misguided materialistic views. Show him that he can do good to others by giving them things they will really like to have by also allowing him to bring the food to the food bank himself.

I understand that you feel for people who are having troubles in the economy, however it looks like your son's desires to not play with the toys given to him by children in a lesser income bracket or you not wanting to accept gifts from families of that same lesser income bracket because it honestly isn't up to yours or your son's standards. By only allowing gifts from inside your own family, the amount of economic sheltering that you're teaching him is more damaging than anything else.