Coming home for Christmas, your help needed.

**winner** · 12-07-2008, 08:56 AM

Hello everyone,
I had a sleepless night thinking and thnking and got the idea to post my question here hopefully I can get your tips and ideas.
I don't know if you remember my posts, but my husband is in UK for over 6 months, and I am in Canada. He had an interview for a job in Middle East, and the interview went well. Looks like he might get the job at the end of January or beginnig of February. I will join him later. He wants to come home for Christmas (we got engaged during Christmas time 3 years ago, in January is our annyversary), plus he wants to spend time with me before he parts for Saudi, so there are good reasons for him to want to come home. I am not too sure if I want him to come home and I will explain why. This job offer drags for the last two years. Last year was the same thing, he quit his job there (in UK) and came home to wait to for this job offer which didn't happen untill now. Here he could not find even a basic job, he was driving me crazy. I was overworked, he was bored, depressed going to the pubs on regulas basis. I was penny pinching, he was speding. Flying back and forth and spending lavishly he spend all his money, got in credit card debt, and owes some money to his parents. Immature, foolish actions. Since June he is working and paying off his debts, (he has another $4000.00 to pay off) I am not bailing him out, I am done with teenagers, he has to take responsibilities. Only now the reality stuck him in the face, credit crunch, broke and almost lost our marriage. I am willing to give him another chance, I am willing to save our marriage, but I need a real plan, real approach how we are going to do that. I am the person who sees all the colors, my husband is seeing only pink color. He is under impression that if he gets this job, everything will be solved. It would be nice, but I need plan "B". We are 50 years old, almost 3 years married and still unsettled as a couple. I achieved all my financial security on my own in 16 years I am in Canada. I worked very hard and being frugal helped me to be where I am today.
My fear is if he comes home it might happen again. He will quite his job, come home bumping from corner to corner for another month or two and who knows when and if for sure he is going to get this job in Middle East. Coming home the and wating the debts will remain unpaid, and new debts might accumulate, ( I am trying to be positive, but what I went through with him, I am realistic).
I love him and miss him so much, and want to be with him, but in meantime I am trying to be reasonable as well. I feel he is like a visitor, I am tired of that, we need to start somewhere. It is nice to be together to celebrate our events, but then what? What if he doesn't get the job? Now that you know my drama please tell me what is the best solution?
My idea is, that he keeps working and paying off his debts, when for sure he knows he gets the job I can fly for a week to London before he leaves for Middle East. Yes,,, we will miss spending Christmas together, yes we will miss our anniversary, but if we want to have all this in future, I think we should sacrifise this one.
Am I unreasonalble? Am I too taugh? Any comments are welcome.
Thank you for listening.

**LuvMyHubby** · 12-07-2008, 09:14 AM

Unreasonable? Absolutely not.

I am afraid I won't be much help to you because had I been in your situation, I would have already cut my losses love be darned.

But, I hope that someone is able to give you some solid advice, since you very much want to make your marriage work and I applaud you for your determination.

**Patty A** · 12-07-2008, 09:17 AM

Sorry to hear you are under so much stress, that has to be so hard to have all the sleepless nights, worry and stress. Hang in there, you have a good head on your shoulders and will figure this one out.

I don't think for one minute that you are being to "hard" on him. He has continued to do this for some time now and its no wonder you are worried. Its very hard to live the "frugal" life style when the other person in your life isn't on the same page. Its sad that you have to be the one to bail him out when you have spent your money wisely. He needs to prove to you that he has taken responsibility and grown up, you as his wife should be his partner, not his fixer!

I think your right in wanting him to stay where he is at and work at paying off his debt BEFORE he does anything else, and while he is waiting to hear about the other job. IF he gets the other job you can go see him, that way he isn't at home without work, being board and spending more than he has. I don't think there is anything unreasonable about wanting him to keep his job and work and get his debts taken care of......I for one think your idea is best. It will also prove that he is "growing" up and being responsible! JMHO

**winner** · 12-07-2008, 09:23 AM

Usually my guts tell me what is a right thing to do, but you have no idea how much you comment mean to me.
Thank you, thank you and thank you again.

**phoeny_moonstar** · 12-07-2008, 09:24 AM

I don't think you are being too hard at all. I think that he defintly needs a case of "tough love".

**Katybird** · 12-07-2008, 03:54 PM

I think you have to follow your own instincts here and that tough love is the right thing to do. If he is not going to be dependable without your supervision to make him do the right thing then maybe it is time to make him fly on his own. Don't let him come home and bail him out of his own financial difficulties, make him be a man and stand on his own two feet. A marriage can not last if one person is doing all the giving and the other is doing all the taking and it definitely sounds like you are doing the giving.