Re-Starting my life

[Preston]

Hi.

I have been gone for a while.

Allow me to re-introduce myself.

I am a recovering compulsive gambler. Outside of my addiction I was able to take care of things pretty cheaply and pretty well. But I've hit a major brick wall in the past couple months and I'm going to need some help getting it back together.

I did really good this summer. I quit driving to work and instead rode my bike. At first doing one day a week then I was up to everday doing 115 miles a week commuting. I was eating well yet frugally and my debts were going down.

Then I slipped up.. and gambled.

Then gambled some more.

I'd stay out all night at the casino and then drive to work. The bike's tires are flat at this point...

Two weeks ago I banned myself from all casinos in the state where I live. But I still had access through the internet. This morning I deleted every gambling related program on my computer.. so I've gotten the first step down.. now I need some advice for getting the rest of my life in order so I can save money to get rid of these debts..

1) What are some good ways to cut the heating bill? We use electric in a 1 bedroom apartment and the bill is over $100 for this month.

2) What are some good frugal recipes, preferably vegetarian or healthy

3) Anybody know anything about selling stuff on ebay?

4) I am giving myself an incentive to stay away from gambling. If I go 3 months free I will buy myself a new $500 bike (I have to splurge sometimes)

5) My wife knows I have a problem but she doesn't know the extent of everything. I do not know how much I have lost, and I do not want to know as it may set off my urge to continue this disgusting habit. Our finances are a mess, and looking how deep in debt we are makes me feel worse and fuels the fire... should I just have her take over it or should I just use will power..

This is a big step for me and it's hard to me to write this stuff, especially publically admitting my shortcoming, but I really need help to get my life back in order.

[DJ1972]

Welcome to FV! You have definitely come to the right place as far as saving money. But, about your gambling addiction, are you getting professional help with that? Have you checked out any support groups? I think being completely up front with your wife would be a great start, so she can be there for you completely. Thank you for your honesty and welcome again! It sounds like you are off to a good start.

[Dancing Lotus]

I say talk to your wife. Tell her everything , full discloser.
A. she has a right to know
B. You wont get better until you do.

I also think you should give her control of the fiances. Sometimes people just can't handle money no matter how much they want to. I should know, I am one those people.

Congrats on the first steps you have taken. It's going to be along road but you will be some proud once you have done it. Best wishes.

[Marie78]

Hi and I hope you talk with your wife and consider joining a support group. Sometimes just knowing other people are going through the same thing you are can help make a difference in recovery. Good Luck!

[homesteadmamma]

I say talk to your wife. Tell her everything , full discloser.
A. she has a right to know
B. You wont get better until you do.

I also think you should give her control of the fiances. Sometimes people just can't handle money no matter how much they want to. I should know, I am one those people.

Congrats on the first steps you have taken. It's going to be along road but you will be some proud once you have done it. Best wishes.

I agree. Once that is done, both of you can start reading here. There is a wealth of info here. Best wishes has you continue to work on this.

[Mavourneen]

My husband is a recovering alcoholic. We started rebuilding our lives - financially and emotionally, when he sat me down and told me the extent of his drinking. The robbing Peter to pay Paul to cover up the black hole that his drinking was causing.

Be honest. Come clean. Approach her openly and honestly. Once she sees your honesty, you two can start rebuilding.

Go through this site and really buckle down on the tips. Pay your bills on time, and rebuild. You can do it. I went from a credit score in the 450's 4 years ago to over 680 today.

He's been sober almost 4 years, but it isn't easy. He has had lapses. every addiction has them. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and begin again.

Good luck to you.

[ladykemma2]

gamblers anonymous- one meeting per day for 90 days. get a sponsor, work the steps.

"90 in 90"

it sounds ike you were "acting in" with tight control and substituted exercise addiction instead of working true recovery

[Jskell911]

I have no great advice, just want to wish you the best of luck! And I totally agree, as your partner, your wife deserves to understand the extent of your addiction.

[Kaos Kitty]

Welcome to Frugal Village! I agree with many of the other posters that to make it through you will need the help of your wife and a larger support group like gamblers anonymous. Really, the more sources of support you have the better! So keep coming to Frugal Village as one more source of support, everyone here is a great. You've taken the first few steps. :hugs:

Once you have your support system at home in place, then with help you can look at all your debts and expenses and post them in a thread. The Villagers will be glad to look it over and give you some specific ideas on where you can save. Keep on posting, I look forward to hearing how you're doing.

For Recipe ideas check out our Recipe section, it has many frugal meal idea, some vegetarian.

One idea to lower your heating costs is to turn down the heat every night, and add a few blankets to the bed. I turn my thermostat down every time I leave for work. Even lowering the thermostat a few degrees can really make a difference (I think I read that 1 degree can take 12% off of your bill). There are programmable thermostats out there that lower the temp at certain times of day, like at night or for when you're at work - but I haven't tried them yet.

[QM]

Welcome to Frugal Village! This is definately a great place to get all the information that you're looking for!

It sounds to me that you've done the first thing to recovery...by admitting that you're a compulsive gambler. Get professional help. I honestly don't know what is out there, but it sounds that there is quite a bit by the prior posts.

You may want to start a challenge on this forum for yourself to track your successes and areas you're trying to work on.

[kestrel91316]

I dated a recovering gambler for a couple of years. He was in GA, which was good, but I think he was substituting alcohol for gambling on the side.

You need to be in a good support group like GA and REALLY work the steps.

[peanut]

{{{hugs}}} Addictions are not fun in the long term. I have a SIL who struggles with them.

I agree you need the support of your wife and others...tell her. Ask for her help with this mess. You're going to need to get a real figure on how much you owe...soon. Maybe do this under her supervision.

Once you have the figure, then you can chip away at it a bit at a time. And with her on board, you will be working together. I, too, strongly suggest some outside support for both you and your wife...something led by professionals.

As for getting finances in order, my SIL responded really well to Dave Ramsey's material (Financial Peace University).

I think the big issue I see with people with addictions is they feel there is no hope. There is always hope. There are always options... positive options. You made one of them by coming and posting here. We're here to help. Enjoy reading the posts and finding things that work for you. Sometimes very small changes make very big differences in our finances.

Jean

[Debbie-cat]

Good luck on your recovery. I agree with everyone else and tell your wife. It will be easier with her knowing, not only with the guilt but with her keeping an eye on the money. You will make it, you have made the first right step.

[Jellybeanz]

Welcome :-) I too agree it's best to start things out right. Tell your wife. Start with a clean slate. She can be there for you so much more if she knows the full extent of the issues you face. I know it's hard to tell her everything, but give her a chance :-)

My husband had a serious alchohol addiction that I knew existed many years before he admitted it. It finally came to the point that he had to be totally transparent and go seek help for recovery for our marriage. And this was after we had gotten back together after a divorce. The problems just don't go away till you both are able to face them honestly and be real clear on what's happened and what you are going to do.... in a nutshell, when you are married you have to face problems together as a team. It's the only way to get free of it.See.. this isn't just your problem.. it's hers too. She deserves to know the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

I commend you for deciding to conquer this. :-) And I wish you all the best for you and your family. Good luck and please feel free to post anytime you need support or just to get things off your chest. We are all pulling for you.

[madhen]

First of all, I admire you for stepping up to your problem and facing it, and good for you for writing it down here and making it real for yourself.

Not to sound like a broken record, but I also believe you need to sit down and talk to your wife. It is much easier to bear a burden when you can share it, and it is much harder to bear a burden when you also have to bear a secret. You will just feel guilty and ashamed every time you have to lie to her about your finances. It will not be easy, but I think it is a necessary step.

If you are asking whether you should let your wife handle the finances, then you probably should. Why add additional stress onto yourself by trying to juggle everything? But you DO have to own up to where you are financially and face it. I didn't want to do that, and went for years just being afraid of how in debt I was. When I finally sat down and figured it all out, it shocked me, but then I had a concrete figure, and watching it go down every month inspires me to keep going on the right path. You can't make progress if you don't know where the shore is.

Depending on what you are trying to sell, you might want to try your local Craigslist first. It is free, no fees to list or sell, and no worries about packing and shipping stuff.

Good luck re: the heating bill. Maybe turn the thermostat down just a degree or two to start and see how much you can handle by bundling up a bit more. Sometimes, the difference of a few degrees, over time, can add up to a large difference in your bill.

There are a few threads re: vegetarianism here, and the people who are most active in them are a great source of information and support. I am only a semi-vegetarian, so I'm not much use to you there!!

Finally, GOOD LUCK!! Please keep posting your progress, and know that everyone who reads your thread is 110% behind you in your efforts. This is a wonderful site for finding support, but you might also check into a Gambler's Anonymous site for people who know exactly what you are going through.