How to make DH feel rich and pampered while actually being really frugal

**missyali** · 12-24-2008, 10:16 AM

Originally Posted by homesteadmamma

I agree with all the rest although I think as well you do need to talk to him about what you are saving. That's just my opinion. My dh likes to know what I'm doing with the money. A little extra pampering goes a long way when you tell him you are saving for a specific goal.

I agree that it's a conversation you need to have. I think that part of the conversation needs to be how he can reward you as well for all of your hard work. You'll need some pampering along the way, too. I was very clear in that I needed Saturday mornings to sleep in a bit. We are working towards getting him & the kids out of the house until noon on Saturday so I can sleep and then clean; alone! If we all get what we need then it's easier to deal with the self-imposed restrictions.

**pollypurebred39** · 12-24-2008, 12:12 PM

I'm so happy for all of you that have these wonderful nurturing husbands and maybe bit enivous. I have a great husband but being nurturing is not one of his attributes. He makes up for it other ways by being a GREAT lover (not exagerating, this guy is all about quality, EVERYTIME) and he gets up and has worked every single day of our marriage with out fail even when he is sick, so who can complain. But every once in awhile this girl here would not mind reversing those nurturing tables.

My Sister once said the only time she gets nutured/pampered is at the hospital after giving birth!!! She considers it kind of like a vacation. No one calling her name followed by I want/I need/can I have/he's touching me/ he's looking at me/dear where's my___/when's dinner?/etc. She feels like her entire life is all about nurturing and pleasing others. It gets tiring being a woman sometimes and a LITTLE nurturing from our spouses goes a long way.

**HappyMama** · 12-24-2008, 10:13 PM

It sounds like you have a wonderful marriage and both really appreciate each other. Good luck on your challenge !! How inspiring.

I love cooking, OAMC and making treats to spoil my family and save also. We make everything from scratch for Health reasons but saves us tons and they feel spoiled. I do many restaurant copy cats and that helps. We love appreciating each other also and love spoiling each other.

Here is a tip for the fried rice ( my Aunt and Uncle use to own a Chinese restaurant)

Make the rice 24 hours ahead or a couple of hours and then spread out evenly on a cookie sheet , put in the oven at 250 to dry it out. Then put in fridge till you make your recipe ( cut up tiny bits of already cooked meat like chicken, pork, shrimp etc to add) HTH

**RetiredVeryEarly** · 12-27-2008, 03:01 AM

I am lucky that my guy doesn't want to feel rich, he is keen on being frugal. When we do go out to eat he often remarks that the food isn't as good as what we make at home. He is even fine with not getting gifts for holidays. Mind you I do tell him how cute he is all the time and how much I love him. He is keen on that. :-)

**lilk** · 12-29-2008, 03:06 PM

I think its great that you want to pamper your dh. I'm sure he will enjoy whatever you come up with. I think I am going to steal your ideal. My dh works to hard and deserves to be pampered. Thanks for reminding me.

**elphie** · 12-29-2008, 03:41 PM

These are all great ideas but a word of warning- be careful how you approach this.

We have always been responsible with money (no CC debt, pay ourselves first, etc.) but true frugality is pretty new to us. When we decided to homeschool our income was cut in half because one of us had to be home to do it. We had pretty equal incomes so either of us could have been the one to stay home but as a certified teacher we ultimately felt I was the one most suited to be at home. But still I felt guilty, like somehow dh got the short end of the stick (even though he never really wanted to be the one at home).

So, I too tried to find ways to make sure dh wasn't feeling the pinch, many of the things you've listed here. After about eight months I started to feel resentful because it had become expected that we would always have baked goodies, delicious meals, etc. Meanwhile I gave up all the extras I enjoyed (buying books, tivo, etc.) and tried very hard to make sure dh didn't have to give up his (cell phone, beer, etc.) It got to be expected and I felt unappreciated. Especially because it seemed like the only things that got noticed were the things that DIDN'T get done. (Hey, why don't we have and cookies? or somehting like that)

Now don't get me wrong, my dh works hard and is a good and loving husband but when you are working hard to keep things normal without anyone seeing how hard it is then that's exactly what you get. They think its normal and you get exhausted.

Finally I sat down and told dh how I was feeling. We had a long talk in which we discussed our financial goals together; day to day, short term, and long term. We then looked at our bills (including those extras I hadn't wanted him to give up) and looked at each one individually to see if it was worth sacrificing something else to reach our goals. We then did the same thing with our TIME, we actually made a time budget. Dh could see that if I was going to take the time to cook a meal from scratch on a daily basis then I was not going to have time do all the laundry on my own. He really loves the goodies in his lunch so he started pitching in with the laundry more.

We still have to pull out both our budgets and readjust and remind ourselves of our ultimate goals from time to time. But I see now that it wasn't fair to either of us for me to treat him like a third child in the house. It drained me and it sold him short. Now instead of seeing him as another person to take care of we are partners in this new chapter. And we are BOTH happier for it.

**writtenonmybody** · 12-29-2008, 07:50 PM

Along the lines of the coupons, I'm right now making up a menu for my husband that will have everything from Massages, letters, movie watching, and including adult fun stuff. When I notice he's stressed or we just want to have some fun but can not afford to do anything super special we'll pull it out and pick something we'd enjoy together.

We joked about it the other day. We didn't buy each other xmas gifts so we decided although we never celebrate valentines day that we would do something special together for that. I'll give him the menu with a few other gifts. I know he'll be excited about it.

**peanut** · 12-29-2008, 10:07 PM

elphie: your post is so true. You do have to be careful not to overdo it. And it doesn't hurt to bring DH in to help every now and then...so he knows what's going on and the amount of time and effort it takes.

I found this out again (I don't learn easily apparently) this year when I had DH help me do a freezer inventory, menu plan and grocery shop. He got to the end of the freezer inventory and asked "And you do this every month?" I was just laughing thinking of how he'd handle the menu planning. Grocery shopping took on a whole new dimension for him. I no longer had him asking for this, that, and the other thing. He realized a lot of thought went into the menus I created, and the budget I tried to stay under, and stopped asking for goodies and treats...which were bad for him anyway. He's also taken up cooking a meal a week on one of his days off, at my request.

So, yeah, they need to know you do work when you're at home. It is work to do all this frugal stuff, to do the number crunching, come up with the ideas, and to follow through on them. I try to share some of my week that way with DH when we have our weekly budget meetings now.

But, some days it's just plain nice to come home to that baked bread smell in the house (I hear they have candles with that scent now!). I pick nice cool/cold days, preferably at the end of a long week...or mid-week. DH just sighs with undisguised piggy delight...while he devours half a loaf!

It's fun to watch him so enjoy the simple things in life. He'd pick homemade bread over the Philharmonic any day!LOL

Jean

**elphie** · 12-29-2008, 10:39 PM

Originally Posted by peanut

But, some days it's just plain nice to come home to that baked bread smell in the house (I hear they have candles with that scent now!). I pick nice cool/cold days, preferably at the end of a long week...or mid-week. DH just sighs with undisguised piggy delight...while he devours half a loaf!

It's fun to watch him so enjoy the simple things in life. He'd pick homemade bread over the Philharmonic any day!LOL

Jean

I agree completely, I enjoy doing little things for my family- but now when I do these things its because I want to do something nice for my dh, not because I'm trying to make sure he doesn't feel to poor, KWIM?