Vent--2 Adults, Same House, VASTLY Different Views

**AspiringToBeFrugal** · 12-31-2008, 08:50 AM

DH does NOT see eye-to-eye with me on frugality. That's it, plain and simple. Examples:

~ I bought a bottle of Bath & Body Works body wash--10 oz.--at a 75% off sale last year. I can make that 10 oz. bottle last longer than he can a 28 oz. bottle of a "manly" scented body wash!

~ I use about less than a quarter-size dollop of conditioner for my thick, shoulder-length hair and he uses what amounts to the size of a quarter plus a penny for his 1/8 of an inch hair cut.

~ He squirts a nice long trail of toothpaste onto his toothbrush every time he brushes his teeth and I put just a little 1/2 inch-or-so dab on the end of my brush.

~ He wants new clothes at the beginning of the summer AND the fall for work, working out, etc. When he tires of clothing or when it's starting to show some wear, he wants to chuck it straight to Goodwill. I'm all about donating to Goodwill but I really try to make sure my things last until I simply can't wear them anymore (i.e., the item has shrunk after so many washings, I've grown larger and can no longer wear them, etc.) Right now I'm wearing a sweater that I've had for at least five years.

~ I use half of the "recommended" amount of laundry soap when I do a load but he fills the cup to the line, to the top, or to the amount the box/jug recommends without even thinking about it.

The list could go on and on. I don't want him to think I'm depriving him, so I do buy nicer brands of things he uses when I have a coupon, I just wish he would make things last a little longer. I know he didn't have a lot growing up but now that he makes good money, I can't see why he wouldn't want to save some of it rather than constantly spend money because he uses things up so quickly.

Sorry for the vent, but how do I get him to change his non-frugal ways????

**Momto2Boyz** · 12-31-2008, 09:26 AM

Really, I don't think you can get him to changes his ways, at least not without alot of nagging and strain on your relationship!

Dh is finally coming around to the frugal side. But he still does many of the things that you have listed above. Clothing being the biggest budget drain for us. I wear things out and make it last, he constantly wants new things. Granted, this last year he has lost 60 pounds, so he needed new clothes, but this was the only year he has an excuse and he's been doing it for years.

I've really found that arguing about it is tiresome, and don't bother. When it comes to frugality, as with everything in life, you can only control your own actions. If you try to control the actions of others, then no one is happy!

I hope you find a solution to your problems, but I wouldn't expect him to change his ways. If you are lucky and he does change his unfrugal ways, it'll be becuase he wants to! Good luck!

**prftstrngr** · 12-31-2008, 10:14 AM

My husband does a few of those things except the clothes....I have to buy him new clothes and throw out the old ones cause he never would!! I guess its a good thing....sometimes!

**Darlene** · 12-31-2008, 10:43 AM

Maybe you could bribe him. There has to be something he wants but doesn't have the $ for. If he saves in other areas he will see that the prize in question isn't out of his reach. Or you could bribe him in other ways...

**ritabelle** · 12-31-2008, 10:59 AM

My DH is the same way about jeans - always wanting/needing a new pair. And he's against thrift store shopping in general, but sometimes I'll see a like new pair of his favorite brand in the local thrift store. So I just snatch them up, pay $3-4 for them, and bring them home to him, telling him "I got you some new jeans!"

**writtenonmybody** · 12-31-2008, 11:20 AM

I'm not so sure it's a good idea to try to change him. however, maybe instead of focusing on the areas where he is not frugal, try to come up with some areas he might be frugal and find some middle ground. Just about everyone I know regardless of financial situation has an area of where they like to or just are frugal.

I'd love to hear if he has any areas at all where he's frugal in...

I wish you the best of luck.

**homesteadmamma** · 12-31-2008, 11:30 AM

You can't change him, you can only change you. Continue on your path of frugality and he'll come around. It might not be exactly the way you do it, however when he begins to see the savings you have things will change.

**Starlight9803** · 12-31-2008, 11:46 AM

I agree with the others that trying to change him just isn't worth the effort. He won't change unless he wants to. My DH still has some issues when it comes to frugality, but has gotten better over time. The most effective thing I've found is to have them set a goal of something that they personally want (even if you think it is frivolous and a waste of money) and let them find ways to save the money themselves. Other than that, just keep on with your own frugalness and he will probably eventually come around (at least somewhat) on his own.

**cab54** · 12-31-2008, 11:49 AM

Mine is coming around a bit, now that he is retired+there is a recession+our son is home after receiving his masters degree and can't find a job+his business is doing less business than it did a year ago+we have elderly parents that we help out+everything is sooo expensive out there.

He is beginning to see and appreciate the little things I do to stretch a dollar, and re-use things, and use things up.

He still spends more than I ever would, but he is noticing.

**peanut** · 12-31-2008, 01:37 PM

Oh dear! I could have written this post in January 2008! DH figured he was rich. I'd inherited money from Mom. Pay equity came into his workplace, AND he had his annual 3% increase in pay. Man! Was he on a role! Enough of this frugal stuff! LOL

I pointed out to him I didn't have the inheritance until the executor's fees were paid. And that if he wanted to do all the things he did, we'd have to revamp our budget considerably.

I sat down and had him list all the things he wanted to do before he died. It was an expensive list. Then we put price tags to each item...well...estimated them. And picked the best time to do them.

I also took the opportunity to show him my list and compare the two. There were areas we both wanted to do things in, and they received priority. Those will be our emphasis for the next few years before his retirement.

I've set up a system of short, mid and long term goals to work towards. I find if he does something he views as 'luxurious' once a month, he's happy. So I plan a trip to a local spa ($15) or a nice afternoon tea or lunch out with him.

Course, he's just as happy going to a bookstore and having hot chocolate and cheesecake in the cappucino bar afterwards!LOL You just gotta know how they percieve things, not reality. I mean, it's $16 for the cappucino bar. It's easy to save that amount of money by doing laundry differently each month.

Maybe suggest to your DH if he was a bit more conservative in some areas now, you both would be able to enjoy such and such later...but start with short time frames. No, 'save on laundry for 1 year and we'll go to Denmark next year'. Totally unreal and too long a time frame. Pick something simple and doable this month...or even this week... ie. going out for afternoon tea, or whatever he likes. Sounds like he needs a good dose of frugal luxuries...or an understanding of what they are.

HTH

Jean

**MandiDawn** · 12-31-2008, 01:42 PM

I have the feeling that you have mentioned all these things to him already? If you already get on him about it - stop. Then wait for little teachable moments to make your point. He uses to much laundry soap? One time when you are standing next to him as he's filling up the laundry tub, tell him (innocently, not nagging) about how you should only use this much because . . . the less soap, the better it washes out, making clothes last longer and stay nicer looking. Then walk away and drop the subject. Nobody likes to be told what to do, but he just might think about it next time and then use less from now on. It might take awhile, it might take a year before you find enough "teachable moments" to cover all that you want, but the less you say, the more he will listen.
At least that's the way it works at my house, and it also means that we never fight or have tension about these things.
Good Luck

**AspiringToBeFrugal** · 12-31-2008, 01:57 PM

Thank you all for your advice! I talked to him later this morning and we apologized for nagging each other. He said he knows he uses too much shampoo but since he's only recently gone to a shorter haircut after 30+ years of having his hair a bit longer, it's taking him awhile to get used to the shortness and all that goes with it!

**SaucyCranberry** · 12-31-2008, 02:14 PM

Awww, I'm glad you guys talked it out. Really, in the long run, as important as frugality is, nagging and fighting over the small things like that it isn't worth the "savings". Ya know?

**peanut** · 12-31-2008, 04:50 PM

Mandi you must be a teacher! LOL Teachable moments were my standard refrain when I homeschooled the kids. They work wonderfully.

Saucycranberry: you're right. Frugality is not worth losing a marriage over. But a little marital counseling would be in order if that's the situation! Finances are the #1 reason cited for divorce. So it's worth a couple's while to get it sorted out.

Jean

**elphie** · 12-31-2008, 05:11 PM

I'm glad you talked it out. Just remember that it is a talk you may have to have more than once and that it is always better to approach with a "Can you help me out" tactic rather than a nagging or attacking one.

For liquid soaps, shampoos etc. I suggest investing in some refillable pump bottles. It is much easier to control how much you are using- the general rule of thumb in our house is one pump for short hair, 2 for long.