Why do we have to defend our frugality?

**Momto2Boyz** · 01-19-2009, 07:50 AM

Ok, I'm on a bit of rant here, so just bear with me!

I ran into a friend over the weekend, and she made some odd comments to me, that made me feel like I had to defend my frugal ways. For the most part, I don't care. I don't care about outward appearances. I live in a small, but nice house. Dh and I share one car, that is not the prettiest thing but it runs and is reliable. I'm not ashamed of how I live.

But, it seriously ticks me off when people I know make comments about it, in a negative way. This friend came right out and asked me, in a very condecending tone, if we were doing okay financially. (there was more to the conversation, but that pretty much sums it up).

So, in a very smug tone, I explained to her that I choose to live a frugal lifestyle. DH and I have plenty of cash saved in the bank, we carry no credit card balances (nor do we have open cards), we have a reliable vehicle that is 100% paid for, we have a low mortgage payment that most can only dream about, and that in this economy, we are actually flourishing and putting money away for a rainy day.

Now, what really gets my goat, is that this is one of my friends, who lives on her credit card balances, has a home she can't afford, and a vehicle in which she is upside down on the loan. And she has the audacity to be condecending to me? I only know about their financial problems because she gripes to me about them, every chance she gets, but when I try to give her advice about not using credit cards, etc. it falls on deaf ears, so I quit trying.

Now, maybe she was just trying to find someone to commiserate with, but it still really got my goat, that she felt the need to comment about our "status" of living frugally, with an old vehicle, thrift buys and a small house. In my eyes, we are way better off with our "second hand" stuff and money in the bank than she is with her brand new expensive stuff, and the loan balances that go with it!

Ok, I just had to rant! If you read all the way through, thanks for listening!

**AmyBoz** · 01-19-2009, 07:53 AM

Sorry that your friend felt the need to be so patronizing. That is frustrating, I'm sure.

I wouldn't worry about her, or anyone else who feels they need to comment on the way you live your life, for that matter. You live your life for you, not them, so if the questions gets asked, I'd just respond with my head held high and a smile and say "We're doing fine! How about you?"

**Denvergirlie** · 01-19-2009, 08:18 AM

Without knowing more about your converstaion, is there any chance she was looking for you to empahise/ sympathise with her? She might have been seeking to gripe about things and thought you might be a kindred soul?

On the other hand, her griping might have been to see if you might be jealous of all her "stuff" and then that in turn might make her feel better about the struggles she is facing.

Or she very well might be way in over her head and is "attacking" you for not making the same choices in life.

I saw a story the other day that said that 60% of the US population was struggling with finances these days. 20% are worse that struggling and there are only 20% or so that are thriving.

Sorry to hear that you felt the need to defend your lifestyle and choices, it's more than likely only going to get worse. Think of her conversation as a slient plea for help? Take the opportunity to lead by example?

**ladykemma2** · 01-19-2009, 08:36 AM

my best friend is the same way. this week it was my turn to pay for our weekly lunch. we keep each other informed ahead of time what the budget is: "today we can go fancy.., today is Taco Bell". I told her I was in "superfrugal mode" rebuilding my savings account, so it had to be chinese or mexican. we had a lovely time. she keeps asking inb a concerned way if I am OK financially. she keeps giving me financial advice. I am struggling but ok. Not a lot of "wants"

she is in debt up to her eyeballs- just bought furniture and a big screen TV, upside down on a car. i try to be kind. i never say a word. i just observe.

anyway, i told her that my savings is back up to comfortable level after paying all the property taxes, but i wasn't going to relax until it was back to 10,000. She said you have money in savings? I thought you were broke....

deja vu. we have had this conversation before. "you have 10,000 in savings? How do you do that?" I told her to listen to Dave ramsey and read Mary Hunt. i save half my salary in a freedom account .

she is not ready to hear the information. i try to quietly lead by example. ...when she is over, mysteriously that dave ramsey show is playing...

**Trishagirl** · 01-19-2009, 08:50 AM

I know just what you mean. When people act like that don't take offense at it look at it at a diff perspective that they are really jealous of you!!!! Try seeing it thru their eyes that you've got it all together and you are happy and they don't and they want that for themselves.
That's the way I look at it! LOL

**thefrug** · 01-19-2009, 08:51 AM

Why defend it? I mean, ya know, don't let anyone beat you down about it, but why give them the satisfaction of having you defend the way you choose to live. Really, it's none of their business. I don't talk money with any of my friends. I don't want to know theirs and I don't think it's none of their business about mine. We find all kinds of other things to talk about instead. If it really bugged me I would turn the tables on her and look at her with concern and say: are you still in a lot of debt? do you still have those big balances on your CC's? what are gonna do!!??? LOL. but, I can be evil like that sometimes when I get agravated with people LOL

**joyofsix** · 01-19-2009, 08:56 AM

I think people are looking for ways to rationalize or justify their own decisions. When something you do is making them uncomfortable they have to find a way to 'make their way' right. It's probably not about you at all but about her.

**MoonMommy** · 01-19-2009, 09:02 AM

Sometimes I think people act that way as a personal defense mechanism. They want to be able to defend THEIR own lifestyle to THEMSELVES. So, in putting down others who don't want all the extra stuff or who won't go into debt to get it, they can almost justify their horrible spending. She may be a bit envious of you but can't bring herself to admit it even privately to herself.

**rosey7415** · 01-19-2009, 09:08 AM

i have a friend that her and her dh both work. he is an electrician, so can always work side jobs when needed. she is always working overtime. they have every new technical gadget there is. and of course it is up to date on the latest new thing out there. she shops whatever is in style and is like the fashion police to everyone else and tells us if we are not up to par. on the other hand, i don't work so we are living on one paycheck...(retired now....but i digress....) we live comfortable, 2 bedroom ranch, (they have 3 bdrm. in better town) they have 2 vehicles, so do we. they have 2 new vehicles we have one and a junk. we have nice furniture, just as they do...so i think that it is a feeling that they are working their asses off and are pissed that we aren't in worse shape than them. the only thing that we don't have is the big tv. which we will have....i can afford it....but i just am not giving up my tv that i have now that works wonderful until it dies.

yes, i am trying to make a point here.....lol.......oh yeah...maybe it is just jealousy....not that she will switch or change her ways, but that she wants YOU to envy HER!

this friend is coming around though....i told her that i went to get the roast on sale for 1.99 and brought it home and cut some up for stew meat. she said she seen it in the paper but wasn't going to get it, then i said my dh had to wait as they had run out and when they brought 3 trays to the counter it was gone in like 5 minutes.....she is probably still running to the store......roflmao.........give it time.

**The Muse** · 01-19-2009, 09:13 AM

I'm sorry your friend was so patronizing.

I generally don't discuss my frugality with anyone. I just do what I do and most people accept it as part of my eccentricity, or desire to live green.

Sometimes people are judgemental about things I buy at consignment, or how I cook from scratch and grow a lot of my own food. But, we will have the last laugh because we choose to live this way and aren't up at night wondering how we're going to pay off our debt, or how we'll manage if one of us gets laid off, or how much life sucks now that we have to cut back (because we don't).

**nvmommyx6** · 01-19-2009, 09:18 AM

Benefits of the "old car"
1. If/When it is in an accident, there is a seriously higher chance of the people in it living without much or any injury at all because it is made well!
2. It is reliable, if something were to need to be replaced it would be easier and cheaper to find that part for next to nothing! Without having to pay a mechanic $118. per hour to screw it up more than it was screwed up to begin with!!
3. There is NO payment.
4. It is not a simplified, engineered piece of plastic disposable crap$hit!!
5. If/When it is in an accident, there is a seriously higher chance of the people in it living without much or any injury at all because it is made well!

Dont ever feel like you have to defend your frugal ways, I would never defend mine! It is a type of lifestyle you choose! You choose to be frugal, she chooses to be in the hole! It is dark inside of holes you know, and no one really wants to be there!!
I choose not to associate with people who "look down" on my frugal lifestyle! Not that I do not have friends who are not frugal, I do, and when we go out to do something with them, even though our things are all older and paid for, the things we own are usually nicer than theirs and we are capable of affording to go do things, not charging to go do things!!
Keep your chin up, you live a wonderful life!
Mommy

**familyof3** · 01-19-2009, 10:01 AM

You're rocking her world. Familiarity makes us comfortable. All around us people are making poor financial decisions. But as long as everyone keeps doing it, it's normal.

In her world, if you're doing something different there must be something "wrong" with you or your life. She probably can't imagine why you would choose to live differently.

**MomToTwoBoys** · 01-19-2009, 10:13 AM

My friends understand that I do what I need to in order to take care of my family the honest and proper way. They don't talk down to me about it, nor do they shun me in my face. If they want to say things when I'm not around, then that's their perogative.

My mom knows how it can be to live on what you really have and not what you want everyone else to believe you really have. As long as her grandbabies and her daughter and son in law are taken care of, that's all that matters to her. My inlaws are the same way. My SIL and BIL make way more than we do and have a newer vehicle, but they don't treat us any differently. DH grew up with a dad that made at least twice of what we both bring in, and they are more than happy to help us when we need it. But they don't push it onto us like we're in such dire straights. I think that's the best thing about it. When I talk about frugality to my inlaws, they're extremely interested in what I have to say about it.

I think when we have to defend ourselves, it shows that we have every right to live the lifestyle that we set out for ourselves. We're not living a lie like our friends and we're not having to cover up the pain of financial difficulties by having extravagant material items that we can't really afford. We show this "air of maturity" that many people are really jealous of, and in turn, they make it seem to us like our way of life isn't mature at all.... KWIM?

Anyone has to defend the type of lifestyle they're living... whether they choose it or not. It's the ones who make the right choices and stick with those whom seem to have to prove themselves a whole lot more than others. It shouldn't be that way. In the end, when we're retired and passing away with nothing to leave behind in terms of debt and other negative financial memories, those people who shunned us before will realize we were right all along.

**knitnmom** · 01-19-2009, 10:24 AM

Originally Posted by thefrug

If it really bugged me I would turn the tables on her and look at her with concern and say: are you still in a lot of debt? do you still have those big balances on your CC's? what are gonna do!!??? LOL. but, I can be evil like that sometimes when I get agravated with people LOL

LOL!! Yeah, that's what I was thinkin'!

**elphie** · 01-19-2009, 10:32 AM

Sorry you had such a bad experience with your friend, hopefully you feel better after venting in a place where you know we understand that you're way is the better way. This attitude seems to be the norm for our society (and is why things are in such a mess) )Outward appearance is so much more important than what is going on underneath. If you have lots of stuff you must have money and if you don't then you must be struggling, when in reality the opposite is usually true. It is hard to do but I think these people need our compassion more than anything, hopefully they figure it out before they learn the hard way.

ETA: The quote in my signature kind of sums it up don't you think? Happy Birthday Dr. King.