Frugality vs. Hospitality

[mzpepper]

Last week I had some family members come to visit me. They stayed at my house for 4 days. They come to see me about twice a year. I am always happy to have them over and am really excited to go out on excursions. It is kind of like a vacation for me.

It was really brought home to me that I have become more frugal. That is a good thing. I don't remember it being an issue before but this time I didn't even think about how different I live than other people.

For example, I have gotten used to having my thermostat down to about 63-64 degrees in the daytime and down to 50 at night. Unfortunatelly BIL and SIL found this very chilly. I always want to be hospitable so I told them to please set the thermostat wherever they were most comfortable. They turned up the electric heat to about 70 and turned on my propane back-up heat too. SIL sat on the couch wrapped in a blanket. I felt like it was so hot that I could hardly breathe.

I found myself saying things like "I don't put that in the garbage, here's the recycling", and "don't throw that away, I'll feed it to the chickens, put it over here".

We went to a couple of auctions and whenever SIL said that she would just THROW AWAY the things in the boxes that she didn't want I'm afraid that she could tell that I was appalled. I said to please just leave them with me and I would donate them. Good usable stuff. She just didn't want it and wanted to put it in the landfill. Someone elsewould be quite happy to have it.

Yikes! Have I gone over the top? Have I taken this too far? Do I need help?

Other than that we had a great time and I will miss them terribly.

[thesightofoneself]

everyone is different and people change.

when we have people over the house we just tell then to leave the garbage where it is and we'll clean it up. a lot of people dont seem to understand the concept of recycling, i'm talking about a soda can here! as for the temp. we try to accommodate but you have to find a happy medium. (the truth is that i'd kill before being uncomfortable in my own house for more then a day, if not in your own home then where?) my theory is that if people are that uncomfortable in my house then they can go stay at a nearby motel.

[Dancing Lotus]

I want to make my guest comfortable too and sometimes that does mean I will change the temp a little. I know that one thing our guests have a hard time with is drinks.. We don't' really have any. I don't buy sodas. In our fridge you will find milk and OJ. We drink water and coffee otherwise.
My kids love water and milk.
We also don't use a lot of paper towels and or napkins and that seams to be a big deal. I dont' know why people are taken back when you give them a cloth napkin but it appears to be an issue.

oh well your are my house, do as I do.

[Grainlady]

mzpepper - Your story is the same one I could have written last month when we had family stay with us.

I remember something I read on another message board when they had a discussion about the difference between being cheap and being frugal, that always stuck with me... You're frugal when it's done to yourself (turning down that thermostate, for instance), but you're CHEAP when you do it to others.

It is "funny" how uncomfortable frugal people can feel around people who don't share their frugality - and vise-versa. I went out to eat with a friend and she kept complimenting me on my outfit. I thanked her, but she kept going on-and-on and eventually asked where I got my outfit. When I told her the trift store, she said, "Wasn't I taking this "frugal thing" too far?" So from that exchange I thought there was more than enough room for give-and-take between me, the cash-only frugalite, and her the credit card-loving shop-a-holic.

[elphie]

There is also a responsibility to be a good guest... My bil lives overseas and comes to stay with us a couple of times each year. He buys groceries, asks questions about where to put things (even trash), and just generally makes the stay as fun for us as it is for him. We've been to visit him a few times and we return the favor when we are there. Hospitality goes both ways, IMO.

[Momto2Boyz]

You sound just like me! Whenever we have people visit, it is much the same story. If my heat goes over 66 degrees, I feel way overheated in the house. I literally walk around in shorts and a t-shirt at that point! I think your body just gets used to the lower temperature!

When I went to Seattle last year to visit my brother, it was pretty comical. My brother isn't all that frugal, so I the whole time we were there (it was just the kids and I) I think he though we were nuts. But at the end of the trip, he said he didn't realize there was so much "free" stuff do in Seattle.

I had gone online to all the "attractions" before we left and printed coupons and found all kinds of good stuff. All the museums had free admission days. So, I made us a schedule of how to see Seattle and not pay for anything. My brother was actually impressed and asked me for the website where I found all the deals! (which was there tourism website). They were ready to pick up and eat out every night, but I assured them it wasn't necessary, and cooked for them and with them most nights. It turned into a very frugal trip, and I was happy about that.

I think we just have to remember that not everyone is frugal (or at least there are varying degrees of being frugal), and everyone lives differently! So, when you have houseguests or are a houseguest, there is always bound to be differences!

[perSue]

nope there's nothing wrong with you and you haven't gone over the top.
some people just aren't at "conscious" as others are. there are seriously a LOT of adults who have NO idea about landfills and that anything you put in your garbage goes there!!!
now I dont know what they think, but I'm aware of atleast this much.

and it's saddening to not know about our over-filled landfills with somewhat usable items.

anyway, good job for doing your part in the enviroment, for your family, and for all of us. i know i appreciate it!

[Spirit Deer]

Ricky Nelson was right when he sang: "You can't please everyone, so you've got to please yourself."

That said, if a guest uses more paper towels than I would or something insignificant like that, I don't consider it a big deal. It's not going to have a big impact on my life doing things just a little differently for a few days.

[Buc-O-Mama]

I remember a trip we made to visit DH's relatives shortly after our oldest was born, staying with his aunt. She was very frugal, and I learned several money saving ideas just from being in her house for a few days. Sometimes people get stuck in a rut, and don't think out of the box as far as new ways to save money. You very well could have set an example for them to follow.

As far as the hospitality part goes, if you are warm and inviting and make your guests feel at ease, that's more than enough.

[jamie79]

My hospitality only extends so far thats why there are hotels right down the street

[PrairieRose]

We raise the thermostat to accomodate overnight guests as well. I do however hit the 'auto' button on the programmable thermostat when we go to bed b/c I've put electric blankets on the guest beds and honestly I can not sleep if the house isn't pretty darn cool. SSoooo I feel it's a happy medium, they can turn that blanket up as high as they like . I try my best to make my guests feel welcome and comfortable but we don't keep a lot of snack foods that we can't stay out of, except during holidays when our house if full of our grown kids and spouses. Otherwise it's just not here. I plan our meals and we eat accordingly which works out as everyone is pretty much watching what they eat and trying to live a healthy lifestyle.

[sabrelvssammy]

its just really hard to 'mesh' two different 'types' of people together in a small place as it is...everyone has their own way of doing things and we get into a routine and when someone doesn't follow our routine...it throws us off and we notice alot more....i too have to continually remind myself that its only for a short while but that doesn't stop my 'head' from mentally tallying and calculating all the loss and waste...it makes me nuts some days.... i do live a completely different lifestyle than others but i go about it quietly so unless you are really paying attention you might not notice...(now that's on the 'outside' of the world) you get into my house and i have all kinds of 'rules and restrictions' that i have placed on myself....and for me it works...i treat it all like a game...i don't HAVE to keep the heat at 50...(i could afford to turn it up) but i don't WANT to...i would rather have that money that i spent on utilities freed up to do something else with that i would enjoy more (though i think i would enjoy heat...i'm not going to try it though...i'm afraid i might REALLY enjoy heat) lol....

so yea i am super frugal...those around me (family and friends) are not...i can't change them...they WON'T change me...so we just have to make the best of it when the times come....(and clinch our teeth and mutter under our breath...it'll all be over soon...it'll all be over soon...)

[Persimmon Lace]

Having people be comfortable in your home for a few days isn't going to hurt anyone. My body temp has changed from being hot all the time to being cold, I do wear more clothes but I'm still freezing so our house does stay a little warmer during awake hours than it used to. When I see my guests cold or hot I make adjustments afterall, if I invited them to stay I will accomodate them. Anything less would be inconsiderate and inhospitable.

Sounds like you had a good time and your guests probably didn't really think as much about it as you think. Don't read anything into something, if they didn't tell you they thought you were nuts they probably didn't think it either. Either way, it's really none of our business what other people think of us.

[peanut]

We provide our guests with lots of quilts and wool blankets. We can't sleep if it's too hot. We have a small electric blanket if anyone wants it, but no one has used it to date.

You know I had a discussion with some ladies the other day about hospitality and being able to afford it. Not so much overnight guests though, but people in general and their expectations/needs.

I have a DSIS who entertains all the time. They thrive on it. They are dual income. They have three kids. I just wonder how they manage it all. They are so tired all the time. I guess their budget allows for it. They don't plan their evening until they're on their way home from work. The cell phones start ringing and someone is designated to stop by the grocery store to pick up food for so many people because 'so and so' is coming over, etc.

I just couldn't entertain that way. It got me to thinking how much I withhold offering hospitality because of the cost of doing it. DH and I rarely have parties or people over to visit for meals. I tend to invite people in for tea or go out to lunch with them...but even going out to lunch can get expensive if you do it every week. Especially now restaurant prices have gone up.

I don't know...I hear your pain about different lifestyles and trying to mesh them. Different expectations can ruin a visit. And some people always like to visit the most expensive way...like going to a high end restaurant instead of a perfectly good cafe around the corner. or cranking up the heat.

[Judi Dial]

We all know that frugality requires that we change. The rest of the world may or may not have gotten there yet!

I've used cloth napkins for years, no one ever said boo except my SIL when my niece put her cloth napkin in the mess on her plate (she was about 8). My SIL said, "You can tell we don't use cloth napkins at home." and that was it. I hadn't even noticed. Napkins get washed after every meal, so if it gets dirtier or not isn't a biggie, although I thanked my SIL for worrying about it and told her not to.

Re the temperture? Well, I have very few guests, the last was my MIL and she was recovering from heart problems. When she said she was cold, we turned up the thermostat and wore fewer clothes. But the first winter after we'd moved to New England from Florida/the Mojave desert, I had the thermostat set to 80, it was where I was comfortable and so was DH. We bought a lot of heating oil, but our guests sat in 80 degree rooms. Over the years we've turned things down, now the thermostat is set at 65.

My point with all this is that it takes time to get used to things, and both you AND your guests need to do some accomodation. They need to maybe put up with things a bit chilly and you need to maybe raise the temp a little. I certainly wouldn't let them set the temp where they're comfortable if you're not, but I'd try and work with them to find something you both could live with.

Anyway, that's what I'd do!

Judi