Need Some Advice

**forHISglory** · 07-14-2009, 10:21 PM

I mentor young women from time to time. Right now I am working with a young lady with some complex situations in her life. I will list some of the facts, and then ask you to sort through some of this.

She is in her 30s, unmarried, has a teen age child. She has a high school education, and no further education. Although never married, she chose to raise her child, and apparently has done a very good job. She gets no child support. She is buying her first home, which is very modest and a little run down. Still, she is buying it and has plans for fixing it up. She also is buying her own car. And she has no other debts. She has a credit card, but keeps it frozen in a block of ice, and has a pact with her mother to call and discuss any purchase before thawing out the card. She has a steady job that she really likes. It has benefits, but does not pay much. She has decided that she does not need a cell phone. In fact, the only electronic thing she owns is a small TV.

She has fallen in love. The guy is also in his 30s and has kids from his former marriage. The kids adore her, and she loves them, also. The guy works construction and makes good money...... when he is working. With the economy now, he is not working. So he has taken another job that does not pay nearly as much, but he is working hard at that and also doing side construction jobs. He is behind on child support and has a long list of other outstanding bills. His car quit and he cannot afford another car at the moment. So he either walks, rides a bike or begs a ride to get places. He is redoing her house, furnishing the labor while she furnishes the materials. He is upfront about making some stupid money mistakes when he was younger.

They want to marry. And apparently they have been very upfront about their backgrounds. Although she has not had much, she has worked hard to make ends meet and raise her daughter. She is concerned about marrying the guy with his trail of debts. She has proposed that they wait a year before marrying and give him time to catch up on his debts. He is in agreement with that, but does not think he will be free and clear in a year.

She is wondering what to do. Should they just marry now? Should they wait a year and then marry, no matter if the debts are cleared or not? Should they wait a year, and then wait longer if the debts are not cleared?

Both seem like very nice and sincere people. What would you advise them?

**Jessesbride** · 07-14-2009, 10:31 PM

From what I understand, unless she takes out a loan or credit card or whatever to pay off his debts the debts remain his. Either way they should both sit down & make a list of all owed debts & figure out together how best to tackle the debt. Married or not. Honestly, it was easier & faster to pay off my dh's & my debt AFTER we were married. however, when we bought the house, we bought it in my dh's name only b/c he had perfect credit, while I'm still working on mine. Either way they need to have a plan of attack & stick to it! Good luck!

Kim

**Jessesbride** · 07-14-2009, 10:42 PM

oh, & I forgot to add that when dh & I got married (3 yrs ago as of Aug 4, 2006) we had between us about $25,000 in debt! Now it's less than $5,000!!!

**Incognito** · 07-14-2009, 11:02 PM

With what you've written about the situation, the red flags are already flying, and her own instincts are telling her to wait, so why jump into a situation like this? Let the guy finish his work at the house before getting serious. I think she should definitely give herself time to step back and evaluate her own goals and ways compared to his, and why he wants to get married.

PS: Was he hired to do the work on the house, or what?
Anyway, it just seems like she might be rushing into a bad situation.

**annymoll** · 07-14-2009, 11:18 PM

If it was my own daughter I would ask her if they would ever be able to own a home together, have joint bank accounts, have joint savings and investments? With back child suppot hanging over them both like a cloud(and obvious difficulties paying current which will then become back)I would tell my daughter to run. I am old school. I believe children come first, and this fellow needs to focus on his kids and supporting them before he begins another relationship and takes on any more financial responsibilities.Someone needs to focus on TCB- Takin Care of Business.That little gal has been TCB and I would hate to see her TCBS- Takin Care of Bull S.That is my own opinion.

**One Frugal Mom** · 07-14-2009, 11:56 PM

I have to agree with Incognito....

She needs to go with her gut instincts. If she even needs to ask whether she is moving too fast, then she is!

If he is really serious about her, then he will do ALL he can to get his act together. Now, he might not get everything paid off in that year, but if he gets a good amount done, then he will be showing he is serious about wanting to fix his past mistakes.

**forHISglory** · 07-15-2009, 12:05 AM

From what I can surmise, he is not hired to work on her house. He is simply doing the labor and she is paying for materials. Neither have said anything about him being paid to do this.

**Incognito** · 07-15-2009, 12:10 AM

This home renovation is creating too much intimacy; that could interfere with common sense.

**frugalfranny** · 07-15-2009, 01:13 AM

Originally Posted by One Frugal Mom

I
If he is really serious about her, then he will do ALL he can to get his act together. Now, he might not get everything paid off in that year, but if he gets a good amount done, then he will be showing he is serious about wanting to fix his past mistakes.

I agree with this. Actions speak louder than words, lets not hear that he doesn't think he will have it cleared up......lets hear that he will give it his best shot and then see what that is.......wait a year at least. You didn't mention 'what' caused the past 'mistakes'....is he a poor money handler? Irresponsible?

**FrugalMomof3** · 07-15-2009, 08:21 AM

I have to say that I think they should wait a year to see how well he sticks to his plan of paying down debt, if he is serious about getting married and starting a new family, he will show it by paying down some debt. Weird? to some however, it shows your mentor that is willing to try.

I would not under any circumstances get married now but I do have to agree that with him working on her house, it is probably creating a bit of too much intimacy, thus clouding her judgements.

**Greebo** · 07-15-2009, 08:45 AM

He doesn't need to be free-and-clear in a year to prove that he's serious about shaping up.

But he does need a year to prove that he's serious.

At the end of a year - or sooner - she'll know if he's bull****ing about fixing his finances. If she rushes in now, she'll still find out, but the hard way.

He's in agreement with waiting - she should wait.

**Momto2Boyz** · 07-15-2009, 08:54 AM

I think making the commitment to work to pay down the bills in a year, shows a lot of tenacity on his part. And it'll show that he is serious about getting it under control. I say, if he does what he says, go ahead and get married after the year...and yes, the debts will still be his, unless she is a cosigner, marriage does not make her responsible for paying them off!

**frugal is fun** · 07-15-2009, 09:45 AM

Originally Posted by One Frugal Mom

I have to agree with Incognito....

She needs to go with her gut instincts. If she even needs to ask whether she is moving too fast, then she is!

If he is really serious about her, then he will do ALL he can to get his act together. Now, he might not get everything paid off in that year, but if he gets a good amount done, then he will be showing he is serious about wanting to fix his past mistakes.

I ditto this. Wait the year and let him show her that he is serious. The point is not paying off the debt 100%, the point is can he really change his ways.

And I'm not so sure that if they did get married that his debt wouldn't become "their" debt. I think every state is different so she might want to look into that.

BUT Kuddos to her, its sounds that although things haven't been easy, she is doing a great job with what she has.

**Debbie-cat** · 07-15-2009, 10:47 AM

I would advise her to wait the year. If he really loves her and wants to be serious about starting a life together with cleared past debts then he will pay everything off. She should be careful and tread lightly as she could lose everything she has worked so hard for to this guy. I am sure his intentions are honorable but if they truly are, he will make sure his bills are paid off in the year. If not, I would hold off until they are.

**nuisance26** · 07-15-2009, 12:03 PM

~I think she's right to wait a year. I wouldn't want to start a marriage worrying about my husband's debt.
If he's made a great effort after a year and they still want to get married than great! But she'd probably be wise to get a pre-nup to protect her income from his ex and child support. She has her daughter to think of after all.
One final thing, he should stop work on the house! She can do most anything that needs to be done. He should be using that time to look for paying work.~