Starting Over

**MisaLady** · 07-19-2009, 04:34 PM

My husband and I separated in May. I've been living with my mother and crashing with friends and such since then. On July 24th, I get the keys to my new apartment, which I'll be share with a couple I've known for many years. I'm very excited that I'll be having "my own place" again, rather than just crashing here and there.

However, to be honest, I'm fairly also overwhelmed.

In the past, I've just had a bit of money direct deposited into my husband's account. He's paid most of the bills, I've paid some of the "fun" ones (like Netflix), and then paid for groceries. Ultimately, what this means is that I haven't had to budget like other people. I tried to save money, but if I spent it all there wasn't a huge consequence. Now, I'll have to save money from each paycheck, not just in savings, but to pay bills. This scares the living daylights out of me. I'm not bad at impulse spending as in "Ooh... shoes!" No. It's things like getting more expensive food and such. Things that can technically be justified in that "Oh, well, I have to eat." I'm not sure how to keep myself from doing that. And no matter what I do, I won't have a lot of extra money.

It's been suggested that I use cash (instead of my debit card - I don't even have a credit card, so it's not like I put anything on one of those) but I'm very paranoid about this. Debit cards can be replaced. Cash can't. And I've been using my card for so long that cash feels like "funny money" and spends easier for me than my debit card does.

We've decided it's probably best to do food separately, for various different reasons. Other than a few things, like a crockpot, griddle, ice cream maker, and my baking gear, I didn't get much kitchen-wise when I moved out of my apartment. However, they, of course, have dishes, pans, etc. that they have said I can use with no problem.

However, since we'll not be sharing food, I'm basically starting over from scratch in the kitchen. I won't even have basic stuff like salt, pepper, flour, etc. I'm not quite sure how to start building up my kitchen supplies. Anybody got any ideas on what to start with, given that I won't have a lot of extra money?

They have a full bathroom in their bedroom, so I figure I'll probably be setting up/maintaining the main bathroom. So, other than rent, the only bills we'll have are internet, electric, and water (we have to pay a percentage of the complex use... pretty common in my area, though I still think it sucks). In this area, not having cable means having no TV, so I may end up doing Netflix. This has worked out well for me in the past and I get enough use out of it that the expense is worth it to me. But I haven't decided on this yet.

Once we get together the money for a pet deposit, my husband will be giving me one of our cats. I'm very excited because I've missed my pets so much. This one doesn't eat much, so won't be a huge expense.

Right now, my husband is still paying for my cell phone, but that's in part because I'm still paying for his health insurance out of my check. He became unemployed shortly after we broke up, so this arrangement will probably continue for quite some time because he couldn't otherwise afford health care. (I've had several people lecture me but he's got a lot of health problems and I'm not leaving him without medical coverage. The breakup was fairly amicable and he's still a good friend... we're just not in the same place in our lives anymore.)

I know I've got problems handling money and I want to start off doing this as "right" as I can. I'm also pretty scared about how I'm going to do without a partner to basically keep me in check. I want to be able to handle my money myself, but it'll definitely be a learning curve. Plus, any time I've only got a little bit of money, I freak out. This comes from having a childhood where "a little bit of money" meant choosing between eating or keeping the lights on. And that's how it was for me when I first moved out on my own. The way I took care of that before getting together with my husband was living in a room where I could basically pay for it with one check, since I didn't have to pay electric/water/etc. I know I need to "get past it", and I'm working on that, but it sure is difficult. Money scares me.

Any advice on what to do when you're basically starting over when be very much appreciated.

**AmyBoz** · 07-19-2009, 05:46 PM

Misa, Sounds like you've got some good plans in place. This must be a very difficult time for you, but we're here if you need us! I'm sure you'll get some great advice from others who have been in your situation.

**Contrary Housewife** · 07-19-2009, 06:30 PM

I would start by writing down as many expenses as you can think of, rent, food, utilities, car payment, gas, savings, anything... and then working out a budget checklist from that. Get yourself a nice notebook and make a page for each month. Write down when you get paid. Put it all on paper.

You now have a workbook to help you each month. You can use it to keep track of what is due, and when, and what you've paid and when your next check is coming, etc. This way you have everything accounted for, there's no forgetting the phone bill, not knowing if you can afford something or if you'll be short at the end of the month. It may take a month or two to get it all sorted out and running smoothly but it will be well worth it for the peace of mind it brings.

As for the household goods, I suggest scouting yard sales and estate sales (where things like old pots and pans and kitchen utensils go cheap) and checking discount stores like Big Lots. Take a look at what your roommies have, and if you need something then start a wish list of items to keep an eye out for.

As for food, here's a list of pantry basics to get your started: http://homecooking.about.com/od/howt...sicstaples.htm

Note the links at bottom to other lists for frozen, spices, and condiments.

**frugalfranny** · 07-19-2009, 06:48 PM

Contrary housewife made some very good points.

The only thing I would add is START SMALL! Are you really going to need flour right away?....think of the kitchen items that you use MOST (food and spices) and buy those first. Do you need flour if you don't have any pot and pans to use it with...to bake in, etc?

One other point.....and being an animal lover myself it is hard to point out (but I am also practical).........BUT......do you really have the money right now to be making a pet deposit for the pet? No, the cat might not 'eat much' but what about yearly shots? flea medicine? And what if the cat gets sick and has to go to the vet? Can you really AFFORD an animal right now? Lastly.....are you even sure your apt. will allow pets? What affect will this have on the other roomies? Have you discussed your desire to do this/have this with them?

Yes, there will be a learning curve and I am sure you will get there.....faster than you think....but be careful with what priorities you set starting out. GOOD LUCK......and keep us posted on how u are doing.

**Goodwin17** · 07-20-2009, 12:33 AM

Sending you big hugs. You hang in there. I know things are scary right now, but I know you will make it just fine. I agree with Big Lots, it's a good place to buy spices. Big Lots is a good store to buy general household items too. You can also find out if you have a grocery salvage store (with dented cans, etc). Take care, and wishing you the best of luck!

**mauimagic** · 07-20-2009, 01:41 AM

I so appreciate your honesty with us and yourself. You will definitely get to where you want to be - it's all a process and moving slowly will be the best thing for you. Build on your strengths and stay in touch.

**ladykemma2** · 07-20-2009, 08:29 AM

i have this "post divorce stuff" down if you need help.

i, too, kept him on my insurance for a longer time than expected. when he got a job, i took him off. ours was an amicable divorce. my accountant friend taught me how to make a killer budget if you need help.

i would reconsider the cat until you get your bearings. cat food, shots, getting sick, I haven't been able to save any money for two months because my cat got sick.

where are you in your grieving? This are the stages i went through:
the "I can't breathe/fetal position" stage. my accountant friend helped me with money here because i didn't know what I was doing.
the "glassy eyed, starting to function" stage
the "leave me alone, hide in my cave" stage
the " incredibly selfish, FU everybody" stage
the "OHMYGAWD, i can't believe how BAD I look/take an interest in my appearance" stage
the "i will never remarry/date again/I like being alone" stage
the "i am pretty good at finances - look at THAT!" stage

(I am on the last three now.)

my divorce counselor warned me about the "incredibly selfish" stage and not to feel bad about it. aslo the day the divorce is final you might go into "grief part two".

**FrugalMomof3** · 07-20-2009, 08:45 AM

I am sorry to hear about your situation but I highly advise holding off on the cat right now for reasons mentioned above.

- Make a budget and stick to it, this will help you out tremendously and surely keep you on track.
- Instead of netflix, try your local library, renting movies is FREE.
- Once your DH get's a new job, take him off the insurance.
- Kitchen basics, just stick to the basics till you get a hold of your finances, while you might want flour right now do you really need it?
- No eating out, at least for a while

God Bless you and I hope everything turns out ok for you, please keep us posted.

**jas** · 07-20-2009, 09:13 AM

Just saying if money is going to be so tight you can't buy a small bag of flour, sugar and salt you should definitly wait on keeping the cat with you. You could buy small bags of these items and a thing of salt for 6.00 bucks.

The dollar store has spices and staple stuff to get you started for not a lot of money. You don't have to buy them all at one time either. Maybe one or two each time you go.

Learn to cook with ingredients instead of prepared mixes it is cheaper in the long run.

**rsbs** · 07-20-2009, 09:17 AM

I divorced 7 years ago now - and although I was the main financial person in my first marriage, when I divorced I took on most of the debt. XH simply couldn't pay it - this is really what killed our marriage... different financial styles. XH was a compulsive spender & didn't keep jobs for very long. Anyway, I came out of that marriage "in the hole" & had to dig my way out.
The ladies have given you some very good advice. Your biggest hurdle is going to be control. Eggs, Peanut butter, & pasta are cheap foods, and are versitile. They were my friend, for sure! And I had a 3 year old to feed at the time.
And I also use the library for free books & movies - but do netflix too because I live in the boonies. Cheaper than cable. If you do budget that luxury, maybe go with the $5.00 plan? Two movies a month & 2 hours streaming video... TV shows are only 30 mins, so that 2 hours can last at least 4 sessions... also, if you are paying for internet, check out hulu.com for TV & video clips. Cheap entertainment. DH & I often watch last night's late - night talk shows during lunch break.
You can do this!

**NikoSan999** · 07-20-2009, 04:56 PM

I definitely agree with the library for books and movies. We don't have TV right now. I watch alot of regular shows on ABC.com. And I understand there are alot of movies out there also. We were paying 17.99 for the 3 at a time and I see they have went up drastically. Not me. That's $216 a year. Never thought of it like that before. That's alot of stockpiling money. There's a section on stockpiling when you get around to it under category money/stockpiling.
If your friends are willing to let you use their cookery pans etc why not just use theirs and clean them up as soon as you are done. It would also save alot of kitchen space.
Agree, peanut butter, pasta, eggs all are cheap. If you have a publix or winn dixie they do alot of buy one get one free. Especially publix. Start looking for coupons and use them on things you can use. Don't use them just to be using a coupon.

**Dancing Lotus** · 07-20-2009, 05:01 PM

I want to wish you good luck on your new life.
I won't lie, you will make mistakes but budgeting and frugality is a journey. You have found the right spot for support.

**MisaLady** · 07-20-2009, 10:34 PM

I should probably redefine "money being tight" for me. It's not that I can't afford flour, sugar, salt, etc... because I can. After paying bills, but before food, I think I'll have at least $200 a paycheck left over (I get paid bi-weekly). I'm not really sure... I have to sit down and write this out once we see how much bills in the new place actually are.

I'm beginning to think that it's mostly in my head that I won't be able to do this. I mean, Seattle's an expensive place to live and all, but... not THAT expensive.

But, like with the food, I need to "build up" kitchen supplies. If I tried to do it all at once, I'd be a sorry Misa.

You've all given me excellent tips and things to think about.

**jas** · 07-21-2009, 07:54 AM

I am sure you will be fine. For sure there will be a learning curve but you can think of it as an adventure. Don't go into this thinking you are not going to pull through a winner in the end.

Keep us posted on how you are doing and adjusting to your new life.

**tracyq** · 07-21-2009, 10:56 AM

I think saving is something that should be an important thing for you (well, for everyone). If something should happen, you would have some cushion then. One thing we're doing is putting small amts. in whenever I can. I'm just beginning though.

I am sorry that your situation is a tough one. I watched my mom raise six kids (me being one of them) between 3-12 years old after our dad abandoned us. She did it on $120.00 a week for about 9 years before having to go to work herself when I was 13yo. She is amazing, and unfortunately, I should have learned from her before putting us in a bad position with debt. :-\

Now, we're climbing out of it, and I have learned my lesson! I am writing down everything we spend, and am keeping a log of all of our money by column, putting the amt. in when dh gets paid, and deducting when the bill gets paid or the $$$ is spent. It's helping me to really SEE where our money is going, because with me, leaky money is a HUGE problem, not by a shopping problem, but more an I'm tired, and don't want to do the work to save $$$ problem! :-\ But we're slowly getting there.

I wish you all the best in your life, and yes, this is SUCH a great place to be for advice, encouragement, and support!

Blessings to you,
Tracy Q.