Feeling guilty for not providing the same as my parents did for me

**imagine** · 09-28-2009, 10:04 AM

I'm feeling guilty that our choices can't provided the same stuff as my parents choices did for me.

Hubby and I chose to love a simple frugal life. I stay home and Hubby downsized his career (and salary) so he would be home nights and weekends. Lots of family time. The kids have someone to pick them up from school, stay with them when they are sick, and both parents home at dinner, evenings etc. That is not how I grew up both parents worked (latch key kids I was) Dad worked long hours and rarely was home for dinner.

But because of hubby and my choices we can't provide the same things as my parents did and I feel guilty.

It all started when we received a brochure in the mail from the college Hubby and I graduated from. It stated college tuition with room and board (required at this college) is $25,000 a year. After catching my breath I realized that I would never be able to pay from my kids' college like my parents did for me.
Then I started thinking about family vacations. Growing up we went on two week vacations out of state and somewhere cool every year. Family vacations for my kids is trips ( as a family) to visit family sometimes for a week but most times a weekend.
I realized that my children have never been to an amusement park. They have never been on a roller coaster or fariswheel. Growing up I went to amusement parks at least once year.
They also don't get as grand birthday parties as my mother threw or parties just because like I did (halloween, a come as you are party for no reason, etc)
My children are not in as many activities/lessons as I was allowed. I wanted to do it it was a done deal. Money was never discussed with lessons. My children were/are pretty much only in scouts and swimming lessons until the activity (sports, music, etc) they want to do is provided basically free through the school.

I sometimes wonder if I'm doing them an injustice.

I'm feeling very guilty that their childhood is so different from mine.

**never2late** · 09-28-2009, 10:22 AM

I think all of us try to do our best in the way we think is right. You grew up lacking time with your parents and probably wanted better for your kids and made life decisions based on that. Don't beat yourself up over it. You provided what you felt was most important for your kids, not society's opinion of what is "necessary."

I'm sure there are plenty kids the same age as yours who wish they had parents more like you.

**Greebo** · 09-28-2009, 10:31 AM

The kids may feel a little short term pain over not having all the things their friends do, but in the long term, if you've taught them the value of time and money, and set the right example by preparing for your own retirement and raising them with good values, they will understand, all in good time.

Things aren't nearly as important as time.

**nuisance26** · 09-28-2009, 10:33 AM

~I think most of us as parents feel guilty for not measuring up in some way to how our parents did something. My particular guilt is religious instruction. I grew up in church. We were there every time the door was open, for services, social clubs and work details. DH and I have issues about 'church' so our kids get their spiritual instruction at home for now. But I feel guilty that my kids are completely unaware of the large community to which we 'belong'.
I said all that to say this, you and I are not our parents. Our priorities and beliefs are different. Our resources are different, our spouses and compromise issues are different.
I'm curious about something so I'm just gonna ask. Have your kids asked to do something or join something lately and you've had to say no? If not, could it be that you're feeling guilty for nothing? Your kids sound like they're busy enough and it could be that they really don't care to join anything else at all.~

**staceyy** · 09-28-2009, 10:42 AM

For everything you lose, you gain something. For everything you gain, you lose something. Nothing is ever perfect.

**Greebo** · 09-28-2009, 10:51 AM

Originally Posted by staceyy

For everything you lose, you gain something. For everything you gain, you lose something. Nothing is ever perfect.

Not that it's really important, but I only agree with the last sentence. I don't agree with the first two.

Some things are win-win and some things are lose-lose.

**imagine** · 09-28-2009, 11:12 AM

Originally Posted by nuisance26

I'm curious about something so I'm just gonna ask. Have your kids asked to do something or join something lately and you've had to say no? If not, could it be that you're feeling guilty for nothing? Your kids sound like they're busy enough and it could be that they really don't care to join anything else at all.~

Have they asked to do anything well not really.

Little Miss (8) mentions Gymnastics in passing but talks much more about instruments. Like the recorder she just saved up for and bought herself (learning to play it at school), what instrument she wants to play next year in fourth grade orchestra, and when can we go get a new pick for her (hand me down auto harp)

Little Miss (8) asked when the fair was in town why we never went to the rides. She wasn't really asking to go just curious.

Buddy (12) went with a friend to the Big City. Two hours away. He accompanied them as a guest for his friend's birthday. He told them he had not been there since he was 3 and that was the only time he had been. They were shocked and questioned me to see if he was correct or not. It was the truth. We went there on a company sponsored reward trip and saw Fantasia 2000 in I-Max (all food and lodging was paid for). My daughter hasn't been to that Big City even once. I'm sure she would love to. She saw a commercial for Rainforest Cafe on tv. She thought it was cool and asked if it was a real place. Her brother informed her it was and told her about the time he went there when he was three.

I think I would really like to go to an amusement park and ride rides. I think that I might ask for that for my birthday present next year.

I think the college brochure and the shock on how much it would cost to go to "Our" school. Threw me for a loop. Add the fact that a friend just went back to work to pay for lessons, braces, and college. Made me examine and feel guilty. Maybe?

**imagine** · 09-28-2009, 11:22 AM

Originally Posted by Greebo

The kids may feel a little short term pain over not having all the things their friends do, but in the long term, if you've taught them the value of time and money, and set the right example by preparing for your own retirement and raising them with good values, they will understand, all in good time.

Things aren't nearly as important as time.

I'm not sure they are currently feeling pain even short term. They don't ask for tangible things that others have. I worry more about experiences. I'm not sure they know what they are missing. Would they even be thinking about college yet? That there choices might be limited. Do they even realize that other families go on vacations other than to see family? Will they ever be able to see the Capital or the ocean? All things that were common in my family growing up.

**MomToTwoBoys** · 09-28-2009, 11:26 AM

I think we all do what we feel is best for our children. Have you talked to your DH about how you feel?

Our household actually has been a lot better of an upbringing situation than mine was when I was a kid. My mom worked herself to the point of being disabled and my father was never around because he was either in jail or left my mother when I was 12.

I think every family is completely different from what their household was like when they were all kids. Everyone is raised differently and as such, even the little things can have a vast impact.

**annymoll** · 09-28-2009, 11:41 AM

It has always been important to me to have a very secure financial standing and to be able to provide the extras for both the children, and for ourselves.The downside is that often DH was called away, or was working. Through birthday parties, Christmas, ballgames, supper, romantic evenings.... you get my drift.It comes with the job.We taught our children that Daddy was helping others that were sick. The time spent together was precious, and still is.I spend alot of time alone, and that is ok. I am a person that needs that time. I do not have regrets, and our children love us. I say that you need to do what you deem best for you and for your family, based on the beliefs you have and what you want out of life, and your goals.

**imagine** · 09-28-2009, 11:53 AM

Originally Posted by annymoll

It has always been important to me to have a very secure financial standing and to be able to provide the extras for both the children, and for ourselves.The downside is that often DH was called away, or was working. Through birthday parties, Christmas, ballgames, supper, romantic evenings.... you get my drift.It comes with the job.We taught our children that Daddy was helping others that were sick. The time spent together was precious, and still is.I spend alot of time alone, and that is ok. I am a person that needs that time. I do not have regrets, and our children love us. I say that you need to do what you deem best for you and for your family, based on the beliefs you have and what you want out of life, and your goals.

Yes, every family has to do what is best for them.
No human or family is a mathematical equation more like a symphony.

**imagine** · 09-28-2009, 11:57 AM

Originally Posted by MomToTwoBoys

I think we all do what we feel is best for our children. Have you talked to your DH about how you feel?

Everyone is raised differently and as such, even the little things can have a vast impact.

Hubby was raised very similar to how we live now except with extended family and work on the farm with Grandpa. So he doesn't understand my worry or guilt.

It is the little things that can have a vast impact that worries me. Sometime I would be neat to have a magic mirror to see that they grow up fine.

**Greebo** · 09-28-2009, 12:02 PM

Originally Posted by imagine

I'm not sure they are currently feeling pain even short term. They don't ask for tangible things that others have. I worry more about experiences. I'm not sure they know what they are missing. Would they even be thinking about college yet? That there choices might be limited. Do they even realize that other families go on vacations other than to see family? Will they ever be able to see the Capital or the ocean? All things that were common in my family growing up.

Let me ask you this - what is the current financial state of your parents?

**imagine** · 09-28-2009, 12:15 PM

Originally Posted by Greebo

Let me ask you this - what is the current financial state of your parents?

My father is dead but my mother is alive.
My father did a excellent job of providing for retirement she is debt free including mortgage. She pays cash and doesn't carry a balance on her credit card when she does use it.

Why do you ask?

**Greebo** · 09-28-2009, 12:19 PM

Originally Posted by imagine

My father is dead but my mother is alive.
My father did a excellent job of providing for retirement she is debt free including mortgage. She pays cash and doesn't carry a balance on her credit card when she does use it.

Why do you ask?

Just trying to get a better picture.

So - your mom and dad worked. You were a latch-key kid. You got to do lots of nifty things, your folks paid for college, and they made sure their golden years were golden.

You married, had kids, but only one of you works - so you can't afford to do the things and give the things to your kids that your parents gave you, and you feel like you're doing something wrong.

Sounds like you should ask your mom what she thinks about what you're doing.

How old are your kids now, btw? Could you go back to work part time or something?