Total Rant- Unfrugal frugal

[qtkitty]

This is one of the many things my mom does that drives me BATTY. My mom swears before me and my daughter came to live with her that her grocery bill was $160 a month. When I first moved in I did not have a job so she was paying for the groceries and she would complain because it would be $300 every 2 weeks. Now I am paying for groceries and i am close if not over $200 every week for groceries.

This is 2 Adults and One toddler, the adults eat lunch at work and toddler eats breakfast, lunch and 1-2 snacks at daycare. That's an UNGAWDLY $800 a month in groceries for lets say 3 people and 3 cats.

My mom makes detailed lists for me to get detailing brand even, if it was up to me off brand or best value would be what was gotten. If i do get things that are not right or complain about the amount i am spending then i get the poor me story and repedatively asked what does she ask for thats just for her and how much does it cost.

One of my biggest pet peeves is toliet paper, my mom has to have Cottonelle Ultra double roll 2 ply toliet paper and this she even complains about but the grocery store here does not carry the kind with the lotion ( THANK GOODNESS ). I came home with a whole package of angelsoft and that lasted until shortly after i started working. First time i went grocery shopping i got one of the other better brands, that was less expensive then the expensive stuff. I was told that i was to get this other kind. When i said thats stupid to pay that much and then flush it down a toliet, i got back from my mom that she was 50 and she had lived long enough and went through enough that she should be able to have soft toliet paper touching her butt then she went on to say that using that brand you only needed 3 sheets. ( which some how doesn't make it into a toddlers mind even though my little one isnt potty trained yet she still pretends to use the potty and wipes her butt with toliet paper ) What blisters me even more was the fact that I got blamed for using to much toliet paper STILL by my mom. Makes me want to scream then buy your own fru fru tp and I will get the cheap stuff for me and my daughter.

But then i think on the other side i can not really complain because I am not allowed to pay anything else, so i guess its my fair share. However, if the grocery bills were as under control as i had them in NC i could be throwing a heck of a lot more $ in savings and debt reduction.

Don't get me wrong its not like there is not food here. This summer my mom or rather my gram forced my mom to clean out her pantry ( because once again there had been an explosion of some food product in there) and they put in new shelving, even though i think the way they put it in ( one big black storage shelf in the back then right infront another shelf that covers half of the one in the back.. so in an areaeither 3ft by 3ft or 4 ft by 4ft majority of it is shelving so you can't reach or see anything in there which i think defeated the whole point of putting new shelves in) was rather dumb, but thats beside the point. That whole pantry is JAM packed. There are 2 tupperware containers(1ftX1.5ftX6-8 inches) on the kitchen counter stuffed full and having stuff stacked on them. Then there are several bags of different kinds of flour on the counter along with different sugars. Then in the garage there are Two HUGE plastic tubs one full of different cereals and the other full of pastas and mac and cheese. The Freezer in the kitchen and the small chest freezer in the basement are full so i can only buy a certain number of frozen items ( granted that the basement freezer has food that is out dated in the bottom that needs pitched that my mom has yet to ever do ). In the garage there is a spot that has 2 boxes of 6 diapers ( which my mom refuses to use because she says my daughter is fine in 5's and has me buying more and more 5's when we have 6's here). A 3 pack of Puff Plus with lotion tissues. A huge box of wipes. and an( 12 i believe ) pack of Cottonelle Ultra toliet paper ( which i had to buy because my mom was "low" went in her bathroom to get a roll and just took the last one off the top row like 2 weeks ago.

She will want things for receipes she wants to try, which is all fine and dandy if she would actually do the receipe that week or the next week instead of letting the stuff go bad then wanting to try the receipe. Then there is the fact that she doesn't want me to cook or bake in her kitchen, because she doesn't want the smell in her house. Which she then did not remember saying and says now that its because I would make a mess, yet i am the one doing the dishes and she complains from time to time about having to always make dinner, which majority of the time is Stoufers family meals.

I have told her we could make stuff and freeze it for cheaper then we buy. ( well except for lasagna.. i tried to make that once for my mom she refused to let me make my own sauce so that was from a jar ( of course had to get the HUGE jar so a lot went to waste there), she complained that she wanted meat in hers once i had worked on the first layer and of course i had browned all of the meat i had gotten to freeze not much of it was left after stuffing it full, the noodles had to be the expensive name brand of ready to bake, and i swear there was 5 pounds of cheese in this little 8X8 pan because she kept complaining i wasn't putting enough cheese with ricotta, parmesan & motzerella. Oh and when she got her plate she put more cheese on TOP!! Then to finish it off i was complained to because we had to have leftovers.

Oh and can not forget the cats who were on science diet years and years ago before i left for NC, which was Oh $20 or less a month for a huge bag. Now these spoiled little creatures have to have fancy feast at $7 for a little bag. And they will not eat the same kind of food every day so you have to alternate so thats several bags of food.At this moment in time there are 3 or 4 bags of food open which i got all new because there was only one bag left and of course they don't like to eat the same thing multiple days in a row. Maybe 3 weeks before that i had bought them 4 different bags of cat food and at that point my mom had complained because they had so much food. My mom swears that they just suddenly stopped wanting to eat the science diet, so she got another brand and another and another. Then there is wet food for the oldest which i do not mind at all because she is probubly 20 years old, which to let her have the wet i have to feed her the food because my mom says its to much hassle. Of course also the litter went from offbrand no scent clay litter to arm and hammer Multi Cat litter, because it smells better longer *rme*. There are 4 plastic containers like you would put under the bed for storage for litter boxes in the basement, which takes 2 large $16 a pop containers of litter to change them out. The food and the litter is so the kitties do not pee on the floor you make them mad they start going random places, most commonly in the livingroom on the carpet right beneith the stairs so your half awake and step it in with the lights off.

I am to the point where I do not think that I could win no matter what i did. And i dont even want to think about her doing the coupon clipping again * shivers * she had to have all these things bought because she had the coupons and could save 25cents on 3 things. What happened to it tossed into the big black trashbag of waste.

It's only one peice of the puzzle of button pushing between me and my mom, but it's frustrating.

[mauimagic]

Tough times for you. How long are you planning on staying with her?

[frugalfranny]

YEOW!!!

You are WAY PAST the time for a good talk to be in order!!!

Or ------any way you can move out? Me thinks that this just might be a little tiny needle of a haystack that is about to blow!! And after all ------you are in her house.

Take a deep breath........or several.......and have a chat!

[Jayceef]

Wow, sounds like you are living with my mother. DH and I lived next to mine for two years before buying our house. We didn't speak for a year after we moved (she was mad about us moving). I think you need to get out of there as fast as you can. It will save your relationship in the long run.

I know how it feels you don't want to step on her toes, because it is her house. You do however have to consider your sanity. Do what you must and then get out of there.

[Nada.Leona]

I say it's time for you to split the groceries up! You tell her you're going to buy groceries for you and your daughter, and she buys groceries for herself. Tell her it's too frustrating to buy all the things she wants and it would just be easier for you to do it seperate. And if she won't let you cook, try to convince her to let you cook one night per week, and then you just make enough for you and your daughter, and she can make her own meals. I would've thrown a fit long ago.

[NikoSan999]

Wow, I would be insane. It's hard cause you aren't paying for anything else. How long are you planning on being there?

[Contrary Housewife]

I would just start working on her gently and quietly, like this:

She complains you got the wrong brand: "Next week mom, we'll shop together."

She complains she has to cook: "I'll do the cooking the rest of the week and give you a break."

She complains you are making the lasagna wrong: "Here, mom, you take over, I think I hear the baby crying."

She complains about the cost of groceries: Separate out your purchases, her food on one receipt, yours on another.

Unfortunately, I don't think anything you do is going to please this woman. She criticises because she has forgotten how to be positive, and you are family so she doesn't have to be polite and bite her tongue when she should.

[MaryinFL]

My ex-mother-in-law was like this. Fortunately she didn't live with us or we would have been divorced alot sooner than we were. She didn't approve of anything I did. What I realized later was that she was jealous, felt she needed to keep an upperhand and I wouldn't let her have it.

She always bought name brands, and my store brands were somehow shorting her son and grandson. My stockpiles were clutter, cooking enough for leftovers was a waste even though they were eaten.

What I finally realized was that she was never going to change because she didn't want to, and had no reason to. I never had conversations about shopping, groceries, or anything else.

I realize its hard for you because you live with your mother, but it is her house and she has to want to change, you cant make her. Possibly she just complains just to make conversation. Some people don't know how to have good conversations.

Do you do anything with your mother outside of the house? That may be somewhere to start. If the two of you don't have anything in common to talk about other than the price of groceries, then that will be the conversation.

[qtkitty]

mauimagic & NikoSan999~ Right now i am not sure.. I totalled up the basic needs i would have and its well over what i make right now.. and thats with no TV no internet. I am unsure if I will be keeping my job because of my credit so i have been trying to fix it as quickly as possible, between groceries and payments to debt collectors i am litterally living paycheck to paycheck. So I can not move out until i know i am secure and i do not know how long that will be.

frugalfranny~ I have talked to her on several situations .. and its run the gambet between her telling me i need to go to a psyciatrist because i am " crazy " to her saying that i am defensive and always think people are out to get me. This is a small part of everything and she says i am over sensitive about those things .. now some things after i have talked to her she has stopped doing ... like talking badly about my daughters dad infront of her.. or calling me a marshmallow ect infront of her.. but somethings she still does like my daughter calling her mom ( which i have broached this one with my mom and she told me that she doesn't understand why i am so touchy.. but most of the time infront of my daughter my mom will call me grandmother.. and before i had the conversation with her she actually would give me a snide smile when my daughter would call her mom ) and not telling me of events at my daughters daycare. I found out the day of that my daughter had a secret santa party at her school my mom had a gift sitting on the table and i asked her about it that morning and she told me it was a present because she had secret santa that day. Then when i got home from school she made the statement that a little buy at my daughters daycare kept pulling at her sleeve from his Highchair. I asked her why was she at her school during snack.. she said that the par..... people who dropped the kids off were invited to snack. When i got upset she said that she had had the paper about it on the fridge since the beinging of the month and i could have read it but i didn't. I know for a fact that there was nothing on the fridge though. She has the daycare lady calling her instead of me incase of an emergency, because "she is closer and able to leave work" She works 10 minutes away and would have to get a sub i work 20-30 minutes away and if i said my daughter needed me they would let me go right then and there. I feel often that she is purposefully trying to make people think that im a bad parent.

And even though its "little piddly" stuff it still hurts.



LadyNada~ If i split up the groceries i would get the fuss story again .. and the fact that i am not paying for any other bills but groceries it seems like it would be wrong to do that. ( I think i would rather pitch in on the bills, but seems my mom doesnt want me to know how much she is spending on bills and likes to tell me since me and my daughter moved in that they went up tremendously which i think is a lie but i can not proove that unless i snoop and look which would be wrong too)

Contrary Housewife~ some days i wish i wasn't family and she would bite her tounge... oh yes yes i have

MaryinFL~ Nope we do nothing together outside the house.. and i see her less then i do my daughter... When i am up getting my daughter dressed for school ( what we call daycare) she is either sleeping or resting in her bed watching the weather or getting herself dressed for work. Then she will go down stairs and get her coffee and breaky ready and stuff in the car and i will get my daughters boots and coat ect on and then she comes up grabs her and they leave. Then I slap on clothes and run for the door to get out of here. At night we are together til my daughter goes to sleep and once she is asleep i stay up here or go to bed ( if i am on the computer she comes to see what i am doing *rme* even though she says thats not what she is doing i know better because of how she does it ). On weekends my daughter still gets up at 5-6am and i get up with her change her diaper get her dressed and go down stairs with her to get her breakfast and let her play. Then my mom gets up at 9-10 usually yells down that she is going into the shower so don't use any water one of the days and then does her laundry right after. Then my daughter goes down to nap at 11 or 12.. and i usually take a nap to so i am up here to hear her. Which my mom fusses about, and says if i didn't do that i would get a lot more done. Then daughter gets up around 2-3pm and we go down stairs and i get her a snack and then by 7 we are back upstairs getting ready for bed and then she is in bed by 8pm.

I do know that there is low income housing really close to my work, but there are no daycares around that area. And i don't want to live off assistance forever, and if i lost my job after moving out i couldn't get another one around here that would be as good. Although i would love to move out. If i would loose my job then i most likely would have to move back in and that would be HORRIBLE, because i know it would be worse then it is now. I had her tell me once when i had first moved in if i did anything "crazy" and moved out that i would not have a daughter ( of course she now does not remember saying that because i have asked her about it ), so its a threat i do not take lightly expecially with all of the other little small things she does.

She has told me that i am going to be staying here for 7 or 8 years. If I do that I will officially go crazy, because I know that there are times that I withdrawl now because I am depressed. I hate that because i dont feel like myself.

[NikoSan999]

Do you think she is trying to "take over" your daughter? Because it sounds like it to me. Sorry. My opinion.

[shoiji]

I think I would start buying food and necessities separately. Just let your mother know you want to save more money to be able to move out. That you appreciate everything she is doing for you and your daughter. Sometimes when you go home things revert back to when you were a child and the parent thinks they need to be the caregiver with all the correct answers.

I would think it would be very difficult combing two different household practices especially if they are completely different ideas.

[Incognito]

You sound as if you need to make a decision about this bad situation you and your daughter are in, and IMI the sooner the better.

I believe that if you do move out, you will be able to manage your life. I believe you are intelligent and mature enough to do it. If you have to move into low-income housing, do it. Start building a normal life again. The energy you'll need for that will come back to you as you recover from the stress and damage of your present situation. Save your money. Keep looking for ways to better your housing and job situation. Don't waste any more precious time and energy living in hell. There's no point living in hell if you don't have to. I pray that the Lord will direct you to the answers.

[ladytoysdream]

Your mother wants control...
over you, over your daughter, and over your money.
If she has you over spending on groceries...you have less money for other things. You can't save because mom wants you to spend. You need to put your foot down about the groceries...and spend less...so you can save more.
Or mom will have you living with her another 7 to 8 yrs.
Her house, her rules, and you jump for her with your money.
Mom is winning....and you need a stronger backbone to stand up to her.

[annymoll]

You need your own place.She bought your groceries,and gave you a place to stay. Now you are buying the groceries, and she is giving you a place to stay. It doesn't sound like either of you are too happy with the situation. Better to pay down debt slowly and be independent.I do not think your mother will see you as a grown woman until you are supporting yourself and daughter.I certainly would not stay anywhere that I was threatened with my own child.If you get an income tax refund use it to get out.

[frugalwarrior2]

Do you know anyone you could share a place w/. Someone w/ a child also or who would be a safe person to have your DD around.
Your mother is telling you how it's going to be and you feel you have to listen because you live w/ her. Where is your DD's father. Is he paying child support??