I don't understand (long post)

[acox68]

DH and I went out with our good friends last night for dinner and then went back to their house to play games. We are in our 40's and they are in their 60's. We had a REALLY great time laughing and it was really hysterical.

These are the friends that I used to let be a bad influence on me in terms of spending because they can spend money like nobody's business. You would think they were millionaires by the lifestyle they lead, yet neither of them has a full-time job and they both receive social security. They have leased new cars, everything in the house is decorated and perfect, she wears a 5K diamond ring and a charm bracelet that cost about $1,000 after getting all the charms. They were showing us their new fancy coffee maker last night which had the little pods that make individual cups of coffee, etc. etc. etc.

Anyway, we ended up having an indepth discussion about money last night in terms of how it makes us feel. In their eyes, they look at others having lots of money, posessions, clothes, jewelry, and good looks as qualities to be admired and sought after. The woman in the couple always compares herself to other people who have more than she does and it makes her feel terribly inadequate. Her self-esteem is lower than low most of the time because of this.

So, we were talking about what we value. I basically said that money and posessions didn't mean as much to me, and that love and relationships meant more than anything in this world. You would have thought I was an alien from another planet from the reaction I got. It just got really, really quiet. Uncomfortably so, but I didn't back down from my position (and they didn't back down from theirs in the end).

I guess the reason I am writing this is because 1) I find it a little concerning that they are in their 60's and will NEVER be able to retire because they live paycheck to paycheck; and 2) even though I've been in their shoes before I don't understand it at ALL any more. I'm glad my values have changed, and as long as I don't let their spending influence my spending, it will be OK. But the whole time were were talking last night, I'm thinking "are they judging me based on what I'm wearing and how I look? How much jewelry I have and what kind of car I drive?"

I hope this post hasn't sounded too judgemental on my part....I really don't think I'm better than them....we're just in different places in our lives in our thinking and values. I doubt highly that our frugal ways will rub off on them and their spendthrift ways had better NOT rub off on me. LOL

I guess just spending time with them laughing and playing games is something I value more than how much each of us has in terms of posessions. That sort of thing adds a LOT of value to my life. To be able to talk to people, play games, laugh until you cry, etc.

A long time ago I realized that I could NEVER keep up with the Jones's because there was always someone with more money in our lives. It's just impossible. And I think it was Dave Ramsey who said that the Jones's are usually broke, too.

Just something I needed to get off of my chest....thank you for listening.....

Andrea

[mauimagic]

Andrea - they are lucky to have you in their lives. It sounds as if everyone had a great time last night and it wasn't based on money or possessions. While you may be right about not being able to change them, each of us has a right to live our lives the way we see fit.

Hope you'll be able to enjoy each others company for a long long time - you are living your values and what greater gift can we share!!

[Debbie-cat]

Although you and your friends have different views on money, I am glad you are still able to enjoy each others company.

[dcompton]

I'm glad you're still able to have so much fun with this couple. They sound like great people, other than not having much sense financially. I doubt they would ever be able to lure you back into that lifestyle. Just enjoy them for the great times you can share and remember that age doesn't necessarily equal wisdom.

[frugalwarrior2]

Maybe just avoid talking about money,politics and religion. That's the big 3. May make for better friendships.

[druthb00]

I agree with the others; it's great you have a couple that you enjoy spending time with. Another thought crossed my mind though. In addition to having them around as friends, you also have a very real and tangible reminder of how you don't want to live your (financial) life. I have a feeling it'll help keep you in check .

[jamie79]

Maybe it got real quiet and uncomfortably so because you gave them something to think about

[Palooka]

Maybe just avoid talking about money,politics and religion. That's the big 3. May make for better friendships.

Heh, that's some good advice although we have very good friends that that is all we talk about when we get together.

It sometimes can be fun if it's all done in good spirit.

[NikoSan999]

To each their own. Stick to your guns. They will respect your feelings or not. If they don't and you don't hear from them again you apparently don't measure up to their poor and in debt standards. THEIR loss not yours. You are fine the way you are. Hugs

[NewLeaf]

A friend of mine is in a totally different place than I am right now in reguards to views on money. I am pushing hard to pay off credit cards and bills so we can actually afford to retire one day. She is still in the "spend it if you've got it" mode. My SIL has the attitude that you should live like there's no tomorrow because you never know what might happen in life. My BIL just doesn't care how he lives. He goes paycheck to paycheck and doesn't have anything to speak of.
I guess we are all surrounded by those who don't think like we do or maybe they are in a different place on their journey. I try to share the things that work for me but most are not ready to hear it.
Thats why I love Frugal Village. It helps to be able to discuss things that are important to me w/like minds. I need to know there are others on the same journey as me. I am thankful for all of you and your support.

[frugalfranny]

I guess just spending time with them laughing and playing games is something I value more than how much each of us has in terms of posessions. That sort of thing adds a LOT of value to my life. To be able to talk to people, play games, laugh until you cry, etc.

Andrea

I think you said it all right here..........and those are your values but theirs are different. So enjoy the good times..........

[SillyLily :-)]

Ya know, I've always tried to spend as little $$ as possible because I want to make sure that if my parents or my kids need something I want to be able to help. NOBODY "seems" to feel the same way I do about money, and a lot of folks make fun of the things i do to save $$. But 1) i'm always the first person they turn to when they need someone. 2) when they don't think i'm noticing, they do frugal things they never would've done on their own. They're just afraid of other people finding out. I think it's sad and funny at the same time. I mean, who are they living for anyway??
One thing I've said in front of a few groups of friends is that you can do alot of things to save money that are also very eco. Like gardening or using reusable over disposable, etc. Also that it seems smarter to me to borrow something from a friend if you're only going to need it once than to buy it. Etc.
amazingly MOST of my friends are becoming alot more eco!! and borrowing things from eachother!! I think honestly that once you plant the seed, most people will be happy to jump on the "frugal train", just at different levels.

[shoiji]

I often find myself wondering why people buy the things that they do.

Have gotten so used to not using paper towels I am always amazed when I see them at someone elses house. One person asked why I was using rags. I stated that it was better for the environment than using paper towels. Which of course they went on an overly long sentence how they use paper towels.

[Greebo]

Your friends are not alone. This desire to emulate what Dr. Thomas Stanley calls the "Glittering Rich" is a widespread problem among Americans. He discusses this at length in his latest book, "Stop Acting Rich and Start Living Like A Millionaire" - which looks at what *MOST* millionaires in this country actually live like, as opposed to the 3-5% that we are exposed to on the media.

[Ceashels]

Maybe it got real quiet and uncomfortably so because you gave them something to think about

That was my first thought too. This woman has been working toward being accepted not by who she is but by her possessions.
By stating you don't value the things they value.... leaves them thinking that all of there hard work and sparkly things are for naught. You don't like them because you don't like their stuff. Unfortunately, this may have been a big blow to their ego.

You have offered them a standard that they were not expecting! Do they have practice valuing themselves based on intangables? Like laughter, sharing of oneself and opening up their hearts to others?

Possessions are tangible, laughing and sharing of oneself is not. Can they live up to and grow into this different perspective YOU have? You certainly have given them new things to think about. As long as they don't internalize your values as criticisms and feel judged negatively for their possessions, you have opened a door that my lead them on a path of future financial stability. That is a happy thing in the long run, they just might not see it yet. They are also of a generation that started out post WWII with little and possessions are a symbol of their status and wealth. *shrug*

Let them know that you look forward to the next time you can get together to share games and fun together.