How do you deal with Family who are the opposite of frugal?

**katybug** · 07-19-2010, 01:50 PM

Hey All~

I just spent the weekend with one of my ILs (in-law) and I just need to get back on frugal footing. These particular family members live the complete opposite of frugal. Don't get me wrong, if you want to live that way and can, go for it! However, they have made decades of bad money choices (never learning from them) and now are in serious trouble. Of course, they haven't changed their ways at all, at least I would feel sorry for them if they were trying to be better.

The thing that worries me is the situation is going to become SO bad that they cannot survive without our help, and I'm just not excited about that. I mean there is no reason they should be in this situation, they made extremely good money and have never had any of the murphy problems that can get people into these situations.

I know I'm going to sound cold hearted, but I have a hard time giving up things I want and that I have worked for to help out people who have had everything they wanted, when they wanted it for the past thirty years. Believe me, they have done things that most of us will only do a fraction (if at all) in our life times.

How do you all deal with extended family members who get to desperate situation because of their bad decisions? And then continue to live like they did in a more *feast* time? DH assures me they won't ask for help and they we will only give help in terms on helping budget and getting them down the frugal path, but I'm not so sure. I"m afraid they will pull the *poor poor us* and he will cave.

I guess I just need understanding and maybe advice, however I do not need the *help them out however you can because they are family* I do not agree with that position.

Thank you all,

KB

**frugalwarrior2** · 07-19-2010, 02:03 PM

I would offer advice if asked. Why is it your prob?? Boundries.
If they had had a crisis and tried their hardest or were mentally incompetant,had outrageous medical bills thats 1 thing.
But assuming those things are not true,keep your nose OUT of it. Grown adults have the right to stupid and send themselves down the drain. If they complain point then to Dave Rmaseys book. Why do you feel the need to DO anything. Natural consequences baby.!!

**shoiji** · 07-19-2010, 02:13 PM

You can be there if they ask for advice. Make sure you and your husband are on the same wave length and stick to you guns not matter what.

It sounds as if they need to do some growing up concerning their money situation. Yes, I would think it was different if they were sick phsically with outrageous doctors bills or mentally unable to fend for themselevs.

**mek42** · 07-19-2010, 02:14 PM

Originally Posted by frugalwarrior2

I would offer advice if asked. Why is it your prob?? Boundries.
If they had had a crisis and tried their hardest or were mentally incompetant,had outrageous medical bills thats 1 thing.
But assuming those things are not true,keep your nose OUT of it. Grown adults have the right to stupid and send themselves down the drain. If they complain point then to Dave Rmaseys book. Why do you feel the need to DO anything. Natural consequences baby.!!

If you did help them financially and then they screwed themselves up again or squandered a future inheritance because your help enabled them to avoid their own fiscal responsibility, how would the relationship be?

Another example, eventually you take the training wheels off and let your children fall while riding the bike, right? It might tear you up inside to see them in pain from a bad road scrape, but it's part of freedom.

**frugalwarrior2** · 07-19-2010, 02:37 PM

Actually,I am speaking w/ a bit of experience.
Some years ago MIL had a plating business (chrome for bumpers and such). She got to initially investment from a lawsuit for the wrongful death of her DS. She took our share -$10,000 also w/o asking and my DH of course put up w/ it. And she has gone bankrupt before.

When the business started to fail she approached each of her 2 remaining children. Dh came to me and I said ABSOLUTELY NOT. It's a dying industry and she's in too far. We gave her nothing. We did not co-sign for a loan.

2nd child worked for her. She remortgaged her house for payroll,lost her house,marriage rocky and had to find a new place to live after all was said and done.

After all was said and done. MIL bought a $90,000 trailer cash from a divorce sale for $45,000 from hidden money. Paid a realtor friend to devalue the appraisal so she could keep it after the bankruptcy. Cheated the lawyer,Detroit Edison,and many other creditors. Sold all her collectibles at G.sales to hide more money.
Paid cash for a car. Her DH (#3) works under the table for cash. And they haven't paid sibling #2 a dime.

Some times you have to have a little distance. Relatives or not. And yes people are judged by past behavior for a reason.

**Russ** · 07-19-2010, 02:48 PM

So far you have gotten the EXACT advice I would give.

My SIL, right now, is in Ireland on vacation. Last I heard, she was late with her house payment, elec bill and had no working dryer. HELLO? Priorities?

Can I help her if it came down to losing her house? I could, but I won't because she refuses to keep up with the bills she has now. She created the problem, she can fix it.

You can't fix stupid and you DEFINITELY can't help someone who is not willing to help themselves.

**Russ** · 07-19-2010, 02:53 PM

ok, I was ranting a bit.

IF (I wouldn't) you and your husband decide to help, get it down in WRITING how everything will be done. It might make them mad that it seems like you don't trust them, but on the other hand you don't HAVE to loan them any money.

If it's in writing there are no gray areas and you won't get burned.

**azangie** · 07-19-2010, 03:05 PM

The biggest problem I have when dealing with family is that my "heart" gets in the way of my brain. I shudder to think of all the money I have given family members (one in particular) that I will never see. Finally, and I am now 59 years old, I have seen the light and the bank has closed. But it's still never an easy decision. I need to remind myself that nothing ever changes in these peoples' lives and I am the only one who gets screwed if I give them money. They walk away happy as a clam when they're the ones who made the mess to begin with. Be strong and help your hubby to be strong too.

**2ndGenGranola** · 07-19-2010, 03:47 PM

You can be there to "help" them but lock your pocketbook up at home before you go.

**mauimagic** · 07-19-2010, 03:56 PM

Think it's unanimous!! You are not a bank. No need to financially support these ILs. Don't do it. Why sacrifice your family for anyone else.

**katybug** · 07-19-2010, 04:06 PM

Wow you guys actually were great, I was totally expecting *They are family, you MUST HELP!*

I really needed that. I'm totally on the side of I'll help with most things except money, and I'm pretty sure my hubby is on board, it is just we haven't had that *other shoe drop.* I guess I'm just scared when everything finally does come crashing down if DH is going to be able to stick to his guns.

Thanks guys, I really needed those words!

<3~ KB

**Libby** · 07-19-2010, 05:11 PM

They're grown adults. They NEED to learn the hard way. You are not put there to be their guardians and save them their poor financial decisions. All you can do is support them by listening to them, their suggestions and problems but not each and every time they wish to discuss. You are not their bank nor at their beck and call.

You can offer support - thats the best type of help a family member can offer, not money. Heck, offer them a meal once in a while if you feel the 'need' to show support b/c they're 'family'.

I certainly wouldn't over extend myself. I'm going through something similar now with my bro and I have no problem sticking it to him when push comes to shove. Doesn't make him any less my brother. Its ok to say NO. KWIM?

**NikoSan999** · 07-19-2010, 09:05 PM

Let them fend for themselves. Been enough bailouts and what did it get us...more debt. Can't fix stupid

**forHISglory** · 07-19-2010, 09:14 PM

I'm in agreement. From what I understand of your situation, they are adults who have not encountered situations beyond their control, but rather have made foolish choices. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do is to do nothing to perpetuate the mindset. I would be there for them, but not in a monetary way. I can listen, I can advise, I can help them pack. But I won't give money. Then there would be two of us being foolish!!

**kaurand554** · 07-19-2010, 09:49 PM

I agree with the advice!

But I also a hundred percent agree with you, and your fear.........of your husband's decisions/conscious when and if the other shoe drops..........

no matter how tough the talk is..... it is one thing to say it; and another to have your parents living without food, electric or worse, homeless..

I think he would change his mind...

Maybe you could plan for the what if..... (not knowing you financial situation) can you put a stockpile of food together for the what if, they have no food? Maybe budget some $ now, for later, for what if their electricity is going to be shut off.... or necessities like water? And then he would have the opportunity to offer help, and say this is what I have available...and it would not be a budget breaker... or become a marriage issue?

I in no way mean to state, that you should help because they are family.... (I agree); but I also agree if the shoe drops; he will want to do something to help his parents...... and my thought is simply to plan ahead.... I don't mean paying off mortgage; I am talking necessities, electric, food, water, etc .... But by planning for it, you will lighten the strain on your immediate family...

and if it never comes to fruition.... it could be used for many things......... so no loss!