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Anybody Keeping Frugal Living secret?

3K views 23 replies 16 participants last post by  ladykemma2 
#1 ·
We recently had a major financial meltdown (combo of medical issue resulting in my job loss, plus income reduction for spouse, plus spouse secretly racking up huge amount of CC debt to keep afloat and spending beyond his means) and for the first time we have lots of debt, little savings, and far far less income. We have never been in this situation were we worried about money, or had to budget, and now everything is a mess and incredibly stressful.

I grew up in a wealthy family, and my friends, neighbors, and ex-co-wokers all are very financially comfortable. Now we are not. Not only that but we are struggling and have no money to spare. Recently I have just begun getting a handle on our situation and am trying to find a way out of this. But in the time it takes to get back on our feet I have no idea how to deal with our new "lifestyle" among our family and friends. I am afraid they are going to figure it out and am quite upset about this.

I'm curious if anybody has been in this situation and how you handled it?

Just to be clear, I'm not asking about "keeping up with Joneses" and how to buy things we can't afford etc. I'm worried that my family will get extremely upset if they knew what happened and I don't want them to worry or be angry. My family is wealthy and I know some of them would offer to just write us a check and I don't want that, others would be furious. And my husband will be humiliated and likely disowned by friends and family if they find out the details of he did.
 
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#2 ·
Honestly... why would they need to know?

Unless how much money someone has is an everyday topic with your people, then there is no reason to share that information with them. It's not hiding, it's not lying, it's just not sharing.

If an occasion comes up that you can not attend due to financial reasons, just tell them "We would love to go to _____ with you, but we are going to have to bow out. Have a fantastic time".

If they do find out about your current position, then I would hope that they would respect you enough not to degrade you.

OldMan and I went from "comfortable" to "dear gods, there is NO money coming in". We didn't run out and tell everyone we knew what was going on. (I did post about it here because I like to share with the villagers our ups and downs)

The best way to get through this is to STOP worrying about others... it distracts you from your goal and only stresses you out.
:hugz:
 
#3 ·
Hugs to you. You will get through this and you'll learn a heck of a lot along the way. Just the knowledge of your health issues and loss of a job should make them realize you have less income at this time. You can leave it at that and say you are adapting to living within your new income. You don't have to go into detail but it would allow you to decline outings more easily. The rest is none of their business.

If you haven't read The Total Money Makeover or Financial Peace by Dave Ramsey, or seen a Gail vaz Oxlade program Gail Vaz-Oxlade|Debt-Free Forever|Money|Book|Budgets & Personal Finances please find one of their books and start reading. They will not just provide the outline of how to rebudget but more importantly will give you insights into other peoples stories and how they handled their situations.

It won't be easy to keep a "secret" from family and close friends without arming yourself with knowledge and some empowerment. Good luck on the journey it won't be smooth road but it will be an educational one.
 
#4 ·
Wow, your family and friends must not be very supportive people. That makes it hard. Why should it make them furious?

They might surprise you though.

It's nobody's business but yours, and you have nothing to be ashamed of. You're not obligated to tell them but if the info gets out, just ignore anything unkind that gets said and keep yourself focused on your goals. What they think isn't of any consequence.
 
#5 ·
We never really shared our financial ups and downs with most people because it is not their business. You do not owe anyone an explanation for living frugally. I know easier said than done sometimes. The important thing is that you are pulling together as a couple to fix it. You will definitely come out stronger in the end. Also you might be shocked to find others you know have also been in a financial bind and never shared the info.
 
#6 ·
Great advice by wise villagers here. I can say that I've been in your shoes. Or, rather, I am there. Maybe not exactly. of course.

I told one friend who just about yelled at me for being so careless but it was a good talking to that I needed. You don't need that right now. You know what happened. I was in denial of my spendy ways.

My point as I ramble on is, no one needs to know the extent of your situation. NO ONE. it's your business only. Like others have said here, bow out if you need to. But don't live the extravagant lifestyle of the rich when you are not.

It's okay to say I am trying to live within my means right now and adjusting to my new income so I can't do ______ right now. They will understand. Trust me.

You're on the road to recovery. One wouldn't expect a recovering patient to run a marathon.. right? so, you are recovering from a near financial disaster. :cheerup: Be kind to yourself.
 
#7 ·
No, not a secret, but it's not something I openly share. Not because of shame or embarrassment, but because I find discussing financial matters with others to be distasteful and overly personal. Last week I was at an upscale event with my partner and received loads of compliments on my gorgeous dress. I didn't need to inform anyone that I only paid $13 for it. I just smiled and said thank you.
 
#8 ·
Thanks everybody for the kind words and support. It's really been a rough time and we haven't been able to talk with anyone about it.

I am kind of surprised how many of you said people just don't notice. We have only been at this about two months and I feel like its already noticeable.

We have a couple that we use to go out with every other weekend to nice dinners $200+ and we're running out of excuses why we're busy. My girlfriend and I use to shop every month for new clothes and bags and now she keeps calling asking why I can't go. We we're gonna go on vacation with another couple and have to back out, we were suppose to go on a trip with my siblings this summer and can't do it, I was suppose to co-host a shower for a girlfriend and had to cancel. We can't donate or go charity events anymore. We literally cut our budget back to bare necessities so almost no socializing and I doubt this will go unnoticed.

One immediate concern that is giving me anxiety is my parents. They came down for a visit shortly after my DH spent the last of our savings and I found out his secret debt. We had no money and I scrounged together (sold stuff on craigslist, etc) what money I could for their visit. One night I had a big dinner party for them and my mom helped me set up the table and we were short some china bowls (its my formal wedding china and I never got the full set of bowls) so she told me to make sure I buy them and all silver soup spoons and the tureen before the next visit or holiday. I told her I didn't think it was in my budget at the moment but I'd try. Well when they left town and she handed me a check for 2K and said you have to have a proper dinner set. At the time I had almost no money for bills, physical therapy, etc and couldn't wrap my head around spending 2k on bowls! So I spent it on necessities. Now my parents are coming to visit again next month and they will notice and I have no idea what to tell them and I can't fathom buying those damn bowls.

I just don't want to let anyone down, I don't want anyone to worry, and I really don't want anybody to get mad because I'm so stressed out I don't think I could handle anymore on my plate.

Thanks again, your feedback is VERY reassuring!
 
#10 ·
Be honest with yourself -- Can you afford a big dinner party? Will the earth stop if your parents visit and you DON'T host one?
 
#12 ·
Your parents of all people should understand this situation. (I don't know why I thought it was his parents and friends you were talking about.) If it were my mom, I would be able to tell her what happened. (I love you mom:smooch:)

Are you close enough to your mom to tell her? Could she hold a confidence? she might help you out. I wouldn't want to see my children struggling and as long as I see them trying to get out of a jam, and have a plan toprevent it from happening again.... I'm all about helping out my kin.

If you're that stressed out about , and I suspect you really are and mom is someone you can talk to, I think it's time to tell her your finanical situation. If she's not the type you can talk to, I do not recommend hosting an expensive dinner party to hide it.

Period.

It will set you back and you can't afford that. Why don't you put it out there to the village that you need a budget friendly dinner party ideas and see what you come up with?

As for dinners out. Yup. I'm there. I have an income that expects me to go out to dinners with my friends. But it's not inmy budget. I've been using the excuse that I need to pay off my christmas charges. That will work for the short while .. and then I will say that I am saving up for school. That will work for a little while. Then it will be christmas again. :) and I'll start all over. But it's important to nuture friendships so if a dinner is in the works - work it into your budget. I do that. I actually sell some things on CL and keep that as my fun money. But $200 dinners are OUT.

Tell them you want to try a Mexican restaurant. cheap cheap. Or you want to try a Vietnames restaurant . cheaper cheaper. I can get out of those restaurants for $25 to two people. It will be fun.. tell them. If they don't want to go... then say.. I'll see you next time. But under no uncertain circumstances will you have a $200 meal while in recovery. You hear me? Don't do it. You will be ill while you eat and you won't enjoy it, thereby wasting your hard to come by money.

As for the dishes... 'oops, I just haven't had time to get them yet" .... rinse and repeat.


Hugs... :hugz:.. you're going to be okay. Give it some time. the stress eases up in a while. It won't happen overnight. but it will happen. Trust me.
 
#13 ·
I think maybe FN is right and you should share with my our parents. Don't be afraid to tell them you want to fix this on your own if they offer to bail you out if that is your wish. If your folks would like to help you there is also no shame in that as long as this is not a cycle that will be repeated. Everyone makes mistakes. I am going to say i am sorry in advance if I am wrong but it seems you are carrying a heavy burden with this secret. There is no way to keep up appearances of $200 dinners when trying to pay off a large debt. I think the advice to just tell people you are working on some personal financial goals is a good idea. I really do think there are likely some in your circle that have also had financial issues and have kept quiet. Maybe just the act of saying you are cutting back to work on some financial goals will let you in on some details that make it clear that your circle of friends also have limits, issues etc.

There are so many inexpensive things to do with friends. I think you could just suggest alternative ideas to them and still nurture those friendships. Also if you are no longer working shouldn't it be obvious to others your family's income is reduced? That would be a very logical reason fro most to cut back.
 
#14 ·
I come from wealth but had to learn to live within my means.
Sounds like you are worried about something your DH did and don't want people upset with him.
I understand that but it is what it is! I would rather tell them than try to hide it. I don't mean all what happened but just what they need to know. If your friends can't handle your situation they are fair weather friends. I learned to enjoy the little things in life.
Wishing you all the best. I know it's hard. Hang in there! HUGS!
 
#15 ·
It seems like you are overly concerned with what other people think. If so, you need to find a way to get over that. Your priority right now needs to be you and your husband. If your new circumstances make others uncomfortable, tough cookies.

There is nothing wrong with saying you've had some financial reversals lately and have had to scale back your expenditures. Blame the economy and don't mention your husband's mistakes. Nobody will give that excuse a second thought. Any personal responsibility your husband or you may have is no one's business, and a white lie in that case is not a problem IMO as long as the two of you aren't lying to yourselves or each other.
 
#17 ·
Try not to be so hard on yourself. It does sound as if you are trying to be responsible and taking care of your debt. You can gently remind people that you are currently not working and trying to adjust your lifestyle right now. When your friends ask to do things you can always come up with alternatives. Such as I really do want to get together, how about coming over for some coffee/tea and whatever baked good and we can catch up or going for a walk in a park. Many times you will find your friends happy about getting together and not spending a lot of money. It could take a couple visits for them to realize how much money they are also saving.

Also, don't be surprised if you find out that some of your friends are in the same situation. ; ) I never could understand how some of my friends could afford everything they had only to find out about the financial situation they are in. Finding yourself in a difficult financial situation can be very stressful, but remember to keep on plugging away to fix your finances. Many of us here on FV have been there or are going through it now. When someone posts a debt being paid off we all know that it wasn't easy to get to that debt paid off. What is important is you know what your situation is and are doing something about it. No one needs to know the details. Hang in there.
 
#18 ·
"New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings."-Lao Tzu

It seems like this an opportunity for self reflection and examination. What can you learn from the current situation? What new skills can you develop (resourcefulness, discipline, autonomy, etc)? What is your current relationship with outer appearances and material possessions? Is it a fulfilling and authentic relationship? What sort of attachment do have to the opinions of others? Is that attachment healthy? If this an opportunity to reframe priorities and expectations? Is this an opportunity to shift from finding meaning through the material to creating meaning through experiences and living in authentic way?

I hope this post does not offend as that is absolutely not my intention. However, from the content of your posts, it feels as though you place high importance on appearances and the opinions of others. It can be very freeing to loosen the grip on those sorts of attachments.
 
#19 ·
It's just best to never discuss money...ever except as a couple, lest you be set upon with loan/assistance requests or criticized & judged.

Excusing yourself from activities is the hardest part...You are better off creating some events as you turn down things...you can suggest some dinner & movie nights at your home or sporting activites for which you already have the equipment or another participant can provide it at no cost.

Many people find the fastest financial relief in getting a second job temporarily. You actually feel like you are 'working on the problem'. Walgreens is always hardup for evening and weekend stalking help. I strongly recommend you stay away from the mall stores for part-time employment as they expect their employees to pay for the privilge to wear the latest fashions like walking mannequins. It's a losing proposition most of the time.

Has your husband honestly agreed to NEVER been financially unfaithful again? & Does he understand how his behavior made the situation much worse? Get his permission to pull his credit report at unannounced intervals to confirm he hasn't taken out any more credit cards. Annualcreditreport.com is free 3 times a year, once for each credit reporting agency.
 
#20 ·
Thanks everybody for your support and feedback. Yes, we have been using a lot of those excuses and I guess the job loss and medical issue probably does explain it for most people. I think perhaps because I know that my husbands actions really pushed us over the cliff, I worry more about that then anything.

It's also been hard saying no to social things (had one friend text me this week asking if I was mad at her because I keep putting girl's spa day) and of those worried about the $200 dinners we haven't and won't be doing that and have just been saying we're busy. I'm not sure even a cheap mexican dinner out is in the budget now so we just keep bowing out and I'm beginning to stress about how to keep up the excuses for the year+ it takes to get back on our feet. But you all gave lots of good points and it is reassuring that so many of you never told your family or friends either.

FN- I may have to discuss some of it with my parents but I really am most concerned about them finding out. My father would never look at my husband the same and my mother is dealing with her 91yr old father's failing health and helping my grandma prepare for the worst, so she is very emotional now. I really don't want to add anything to her plate and she would be so upset and worried.

Frabjousday - I think your comment is really off base and maybe you misunderstood my post. And I have always been "authentic" (I don't were that comment comes from) which is why I am stressed now about this new situation. And yes, I definitely value the opinions and feelings of my loved ones and I never want to be the kind of person that doesn't.

MissCas - Yes, that is something (actually the main thing) that we are working on. There are clearly some issues he has with money that need to be dealt with and for now all our finances are out of his hands. Sadly, I think I will be taking your advice about the credit report.
 
#22 ·
And I have always been "authentic" (I don't were that comment comes from) which is why I am stressed now about this new situation. And yes, I definitely value the opinions and feelings of my loved ones and I never want to be the kind of person that doesn't.
The title of your post is about keeping your current situation a "secret". Secret keeping is usually connected to a negative feeling (shame, embarrassment, humiliation, etc). It's one thing to say that you don't feel it necessary to share information with someone because it's not their business, but an entirely different thing to feel the need to hide, evade, or keep up appearances for the sake/comfort of others. That is where my thoughts head towards authentic vs inauthentic relationships (with self and others).

What I'm saying is cut yourself some slack. Do what you need to do for YOU and your husband. Hold your friends and family in high esteem, but don't buy $2000 worth of dinnerware or a car you can't afford because of what they may think or wonder. They don't have to live with your financial situation, you do.
 
#21 ·
I don't think you need to tell your parents the gory details of your husband's mishandling of money....just a general gist of trying to work within the realms of a new budget would be sufficient. I agree with others that instead of bowing out, propose alternatives to hanging out with your friends such as game night, potluck bbq dinner by the pool/hot tub. You may lose some friends...but then you might have to come to terms that they were just fair weather friends after all.
Take this opportunity to work with your husband, to become a team, and to learn different skills and ways to live a more sustainable and meaningful life. Things are not everything, relationships are. I am very proud of you that you are taking the steps to work this out instead of hiding your head in the sand and waiting for someone else to bail you out....changing your ways is a very courageous thing to do :)
 
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#23 ·
Makes me glad I grew up middle class and everyone I know did too :)

If your mother cares that much about matching dishes, surely she would care much more about your well-being.

Lastly, some of these people that you are trying so hard to keep up with are likely so deep in debt they can no longer see daylight. Many people who look like they are wealthy are really just keeping up a facade.
 
#24 ·
be proactive. invite THEM for a spaghetti dinner at your house. invite for a potluck. invite for girl spa day at your house. invite where you control the expenditure.

when i changed my income level due to divorce i lost a lot of fair weather friends.
 
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