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Getting things for free

4K views 24 replies 15 participants last post by  josantoro 
#1 ·
Okay, this is more a discussion starter about attitude and how to deal with it. I do a lot of stuff for people for free, and just generally help out whenever and wherever I can, especially in regards to the church. As a result people often do things for me or give me things - free.

I had one lady comment in a judgmental, negative tone that I seem to get an awful of things for free. I was pretty upset, because I did not feel I needed to defend other people's generosity. She made me feel bad for accepting their gifts graciously. I am not sure what she is thinking. I am thinking it is jealousy, but am not sure. That would be out of character with this person. So what other motivation would she have for making such a judgmental statement? She's done it twice now. Both times in public.

I wouldn't be so concerned except she is a lady high up in our church structure. She is definitely judging me over this, which is not acceptable in our church, and certainly not for someone in her position in our church.

But irregardless of that, have you had this experience and how have you reacted? What would be a good response to this lady?
 
#2 ·
I get a lot of things for free too. But like you I also give a lot of things away for free. I wonder how generous this lady is? And I don't mean giving to a church regularly..I mean actually taking her stuff and finding someone who could use it and giving it away. Making people food. Thinking about others needs and trying to help? She may be high up in your church but is she out there donating stuff, making food, trading services with friends, helping people out?

I love when people are thoughtful and make food for us, buy us stuff they know wed like or need, hand down their children's clothes to us. Who am I to not take everything graciously and enjoy them? I appreciate everything anyone gives me. Sometimes people will comment when they find out we got more clothes, more packages of stuff from my aunts, more food, etc etc....I just say "I know! Isn't it great? This person is so nice and generous".

I like your idea on defending other people's generousity. Its not like you're out there putting in requests for things. They are being nice, you thank them...you do things/give things, they thank you....what's the problem? She sounds uber jealous to me..."why don't I get things for free?!" Sob sob. Probably because of her attitude. Who'd want to give her things if she reacts that way when others get things? If I heard her say that to you I'd think she was a snot and she wouldn't get anything from me. Sounds like she missed the whole point of being generous.
 
#3 ·
My response would be (in a positive tone) "yes, the people here are so generous." Pretend you misread her negativity and praise the people around you. That should shut her up.
 
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#4 ·
My response would be, "Yes, isn't it wonderful how generous people are!" or "Yes, I'm blessed to have so many good friends/people who care about me." You get back in life what you put out there, and obviously you are a kind and giving person, since that's what comes back to you :) It sounds like she is jealous and trying to make you feel ashamed.
 
#5 ·
Well she certainly created mixed feelings for me, to say the least. I was very surprised by the generosity of my friends and her attitude towards it all. Maybe she is jealous after all... I like the idea of telling her how blessed I am with my friends. I think that is a good thing to say.

She has tried to give me things before, but mostly it is junk she does not need and that I end up having to pass on to someone else or throw out myself (though I prefer recycling and thrift store donation first). I must admit I tend to give away good stuff that I no longer need, and, consequently people tend to give me good stuff too. Old ratty stuff goes to the recycle or goodwill to see if they want it before tossing it. I feel bad about even taking it to the goodwill. But sometimes they have uses for things that I do not. For example I give them old stained clothes with the idea they can bag it up and sell it for rags to local automotive companies.
 
#7 ·
I have not had this experience. I would dismiss this lady's remarks if you are graciously thankful for peoples help. When my kids were younger & dh was out of work my sister helped us with food which we were so thankful for!
 
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#10 ·
Hi Peanut:

She is jealous. So much so that she has tried to embarrass you twice. Go to the lady above her in your church structure. (someone like her boss) and tell her to have a "talk" with Ms. Jealous. Explain the situation and let her know that it is disrespectful to you. You have done nothing wrong. You have only tried to help others who can't help themselves. If you get nowhere with the boss lady, tell Ms. Jealous off. IN PUBLIC. If she doesn't get the picture, just tell her to STAY AWAY from you and to stop slandering you, or you will take it further. The "Unkown" will frighten her. Trust me! Good luck and let us know how you make out.
 
#11 ·
Thanks everyone. I have already mentioned it to the 'boss' lady and she just laughed it off as a 'nuance of language'. Hmmm... So we will see what happens next. I suspect the boss lady is reluctant to get involved because the other lady is second in command and wields a lot of social power at the church.

I am seeing problems the longer I stay in this church. The other day someone commented to me that they heard there was a study done that showed people who were bipolar smoked dope and did drugs as teenagers. The entire congregation knows I am bipolar due to my testimony. I flat out told them I had never done drugs or smoked dope. Not only that, but I pointed out to them that I'm allergic to marajuana and would not go near it with a ten foot pole. Of course they continue to judge me. I grow so weary of it. Might be time to take a break and visit some other churches...
 
#17 ·
I liked my church very much until I got deeply enough involved to see the pettiness and even bullying that you don't see when you just attend the service. Next church, I'm just going to attend the service. Ignorance is bliss when it comes to the inner workings of church.
 
#12 ·
Peanut: Sounds like this "Church" is so judgemental towards you. They sound like a bunch of holier-than-thou types. This isn't what any "House of Worship' is supposed to be. Whether a church or synagogue. You didn't do anything wrong. #2 is extremely jealous and she will spout her bs again. If I were you, I would dump this place. You deserve so much better! I can also bet that this place will go down quickly, as others will follow your lead. I hate to say this but it doesn't sound like a "Church" it sounds like a "Cult." Nuimber 2 wants to be the HBIC (Head Bitch in Charge)
 
#13 ·
Hmm...thanks for your input Frugalforever. Thankfully not everyone is like those two individuals. I do have some good friends there. But those two have been niggling at me because both of them are extremely influential in the church. I am just wondering what I did to tick them off?! At any rate, maybe it's just they view me as competition because I have real competency at something. I don't know. Still shaking my head trying to figure it out. But maybe I won't waste my time. Life is too short and I have too much to do. If people take offense at my accomplishments and goodwill, well maybe they'll just have to deal with their problem. As my father so eloquently says "NMP - not my problem."
 
#14 ·
Peanut - just reading between the lines, it sounds like you are on the defence and are trying to justify your situation to them (concerning your bipolar). Don't give them the satisfaction. Let them believe whatever they want. This is a lesson I learnt in life in how to deal with difficult people. You will hold more power if you don't provide them with information about yourself. If they want to believe you used to take drugs, then let them. Only you and your close friends will know the truth, and they can imagine whatever they want. Continue being yourself but don't throw your pearls to the pigs. They will always use this as ammunition against you even if you never did anything wrong.
 
#16 ·
Although I consider myself very spiritual and such..."churches" have always left a bad taste in my mouth for the exact thing you're dealing with...judgemental snotty people who miss the whole point of godly things. They ruin it for people who take it to heart.

I would have replied to the pot comment.."ya you want to come over later and try my hookah??"....but I guess that's why I don't belong to a church :)
 
#19 ·
I wouldn't worry about those two, If you are growing and learning something as a Christian that is most important. People will always be judgmental, some do not even see how they are. I would go above them to the pastor or the elders and see if someone would talk to them as they have a bad attitude. Maybe suggest that they read "boundaries" by Townsend as they have toxic personalities and are scaring away new believers. Good luck.
 
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#20 ·
WHY do you CHOOSE to stay with this church?

I don't ask that flippantly, I am truly curious why people stay with churches that harm them in some way or are filled with mean/petty/bully/jealous/ignorant/vindictive people who are not there to spread "love/help/harmony/understanding/good values"?

You should leave church (or any club like organization) feeling uplifted/loved/awesome, not hurt/attacked/slandered/uneasy/angry/bitter/anxious.



{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
 
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#21 ·
Back to add that I wasn't trying to sound witchy in any way on my above post!


Life is too short to waste precious time in any organization that doesn't feed your soul, spiritually or otherwise. There are many more worthy places out there and there is no need to accept less than "awesome". :grouphug:
 
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#24 ·
Just caught up with this thread. Sorry, it's been a while. Things did get sorted out after I called in a third and fourth lady to mediate between me and the pastor and clerk of session. My elder and a close friend took issue with them and things have calmed down considerably. Turns out the clerk of session and pastor were both jealous of me for different reasons.

The pastor had some health issues that needed dealing with herself. Once she was on meds things calmed down a lot. I wasn't the only person she was taking things out on! The clerk of session has been put in a position where she has to get along with me, whether she likes it or not. She actually is not a bad person, but she assumes a lot and gossips more.

I did the unthinkable...I got sick and had a pacemaker installed in February (hence my long absence from FV). They had no idea I was "so sick", and both felt more than a bit guilty about adding to my stress levels. I have not got back into much of the church activities, and in fact, am slowly backing out of more activities. I tutor English with a group. I stopped individual tutoring since my surgery. I also backed out of weekly prayer meetings that included the pastor (thankfully not the clerk of session). This fall I will not be going back to the group tutoring sessions. They have enough teachers and I need the break. It is time to rethink everything.

My fallback is to leave the church for a church much closer to home, and I've spoken with my elder about it. I cannot see not going to church. I like to go and worship God. But the pettiness is just a bit much. If I could just attend and not say 'yes' when I should say 'no', I'd be okay. They aren't the only ones that need to read and practice "Boundaries" by Townsend and Cloud!
 
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