How did/do you convince your mate

[kimmee]

I would like to convince Bruce that we do not need more money, we just need to cut back. He does not read. he feels the American way of life is to work hard, earn money and spend it. He is really pressuring me to go to work full time but there is no way I can take care of three kids, the farm, the house, and work like that. I feel like I am just banging my head on the wall   - a few months ago we worked out the budget and everything looked great and I could just work the very part time at the school cafeteria. Now all of his worry is back and he is freaking out about money. Can I share a little about where we are with stuff and hopefully you will have input for me. We have our house payment which is 1200. and we always send 1300. (100 for principle) we have a full pantry and freezer which If I shop once every three months at Costco I can maintain for $400 a trip. We have a truck payment, his, which is exhorbitant (351!) but its a lease and he got it before he got me. The feed for the animals is fairly spendee - about 200 a month. Gas costs are outrageous - I never go anywhere but he needs to drive to work every day and we take the kids to and from bobs everyother weekend. I think Bruce spends about $150 per week on gas. Utilities we are working on - last year at this time they were in the $300-400's but we have found lots of heating leaks and fixed them - so far this year bills have been just over $100. Christmas is allready paid for and done except food. The areas where I see our money leaks are completely avoidable but I am getting nowhere convincing him:

• 65.00 per week on Cigarettes ( but he does need those)
• 40-80 per week on lottery tickets (complete waste)
• 120. per week on coors light (I am responsible for this too - however I haven't had a beer in almost one week)
• roughly 140. in oddball grocery runs of stuff we don't need like steaks and chips (he loves grocery shopping and if I do Costco it takes that away from him - he stops to get milk and veggies and then he BUYS stuff!!)
• Bev's once a week at 25.00 (we both need that time out but we haven't gone in a couple of weeks)

We don't spend money on entertainment and clothes are only purchased once a year at back to school time. He eats out for lunch everyday but he works pretty hard and thats kindof his little treat. I get $1000 per month for child support.

What do you think I can do here?

edited to say: I know this seems like I am just bagging on him - I just am really in a spot trying to figure out how to approach him with this - his mom and his friends constantly tell him I should be working , that it is just not right that I stay home when they are not his kids - but I DO contribute. The kids and I have no extra expenses except for Rx - we don't go out - we do hair at home. We don't buy extras unless I get a rebate - then we buy some movies. When I came in to this relationship the kids and I literally had everything - we have enough toiletries to last a couple of years. We have toys and crafts we've never opened and movies we've never even seen. We have every outdoor toy there is. We save and maintain everything. It makes us very difficult to shop for - I'll tell you what. I can honestly say we want for nothing.

[pqb52]

stop smoking, stop the lottery and quit drinking

[homesteadmamma]

Well first off you have to absolutely convinced you can do it w/o going to work. Then you need to prove to him that it is doable. And in doing that, you need to get really creative w/o him knowing it. I see areas you can cut back in. Begin to take steps to do that and put that money aside. Within a couple months you'll be surprised how quickly it adds up.

There are a few things you can cut back on to begin with.

~buying lottery tickets. Give Bruce an allowance and then if he wants to spend it on lottery tickets, so be it. Purchasing that amount in lottery tickets IMO is spending money needlessly. Very few people win other than those that run the lotteries. Any accountant or financial advisor will tell you its crazy to spend money on lottery tickets.

~coors light - I'm not telling you what to drink but do you realize how much your spending a month!!! Enough said.

~your oddball money - again give Bruce an allowance and if he wants to spend it on steak, so be it.

Kimmee for us it wasn't a problem. Dh was always frugal (even more than me) and we were also forced to make drastic changes due to employment situations.

Many people, especially men feel that the way of life is hard work, make money and spend it on toys. Toys can be bought but they don't give you lasting enjoyment. For our family, finding a way to live a simple life and have good health was more important than the toys. So many people work hard all their lives only to become stressed out, have no relationships with their families and die young. It just didn't make sense to us to continue to do that. I'm glad we were forced to change our lifestyle. Neither of us have ever regretted it.

[Guest1]

I ran this by GW - asking him what he'd "accept" as a reasonable response if this were our situation....he said if I looked at him & said "what you spend in lotto every month is equal to what I'd be making at a job - stop buying lottery tickets & give it to me as pay & watch what I can do with it" would stop him in his tracks - he said that he might only agree to do it for a period as my "proving time" but that he'd do it......

Would that work with Bruce?!

I also must say that CJ is right on - as usual - on the obvious money suckers and how to avoid them, but I thought I'd toss out my guy's perspective on it.....

Men tend to get stuck in that make it, spend it cycle - I hope you'll be able to show him that he can stop at "make it" and things will be just fine! Money is a tough subject for partners to discuss & I'll be praying for ya!!

[kimmee]

CJ - thank you for your input - I could really use some advice From you. For you to help me though I think you need a little more info:

Bruce controlls the money - the account is in his name only ( I can't get an account because Bob took one out in my name and was susposed to take care of it in our divorce decree but he blew it off and told me to just deal with it. - Bob gives me the child support in cash - I give it to Bruce). Bruce has cut back from spending $1200 a month for Gambling up the hill - he feels he has given everything to this relationship by cutting the one thing he loves in life. He will not here of an allowance. I carry $40 a month from the childsupport but I never go anywhere soit just stays in my purse and I don't get "refreshed" unless it gets used.

What ways do you think I can be creative with out him knowing? That is something I am really interested in - making  proof !!

Oh, and we do put money in college accounts for the kids and even though Bruce doesn't believe in College he is willing to do that.

[blueknitter]

I'd start small. My DH sounds like yours in that he used to pressure me endlessly to get get a 'real job'. I started with making our laundry soap. It worked, even on greasy work shirts and pants, and then I costed it out for him on paper. He still talks and brags about my making our laundry soap. When he was laid off, my pinching pennies and the preparation I'd made for the layoff kept us from losing everything. That Christmas after the layoff, before we started getting unemployment, most of the gifts we gave to others and the kids were freebies or almost free. Everyone was thrilled with their gifts. When he was finally home long enough to see what I do everyday, he realized that what I do IS a real job, and that making the money stretch to cover everything I do now couldn't be done if I was working outside the home, too. He was home this summer enough to see what all canning entailed, that was an eye opener for him, as well. He no longer thinks he must work for every new toy, but for us to be out of debt and to realize our goals. He's still bragging about the laundry soap, and getting teased about his extensive wardrobe at work. (With 1.00/bag garage sales, he'll never run out of work shirts, no matter how many he messes up. LOL) It's really calmed him down to know that no matter what we have to deal with financially, we're going to be all right.

[kimmee]

Thanks Debbie - we must've been posting at the same time!

[homesteadmamma]

Kimmee, well...... its a toughie because he controls the money.

Getting creative means finding ways to cut costs when it comes to groceries, Christmas gifts, etc. It means cutting costs when it comes to clothing, when it comes to heating your home. For example, dh doesn't like it quite as cool as I'll put up with. So I keep our temps down about 3 degrees lower when he isn't home. When he gets home I turn it up just enough to warm the house up so he is comfortable.

Christmas always seems to cost so much for families. It doesn't have to. Make many of your gifts and like Lisalynn said, many gifts can be freebies. Those are only a couple of examples.

Another thing you could do is write out how much it would cost you to go to work. Mark everything down from extra costs to your vehicle, new clothes, daycare of some sort. Include in it the differant tax bracket you'd end up in. Don't leave out anything. Then show Bruce that in most cases your not really making any extra money, your only screwing up your tax bracket and your output is way more than what your input would be. Often thats enough for a guy to realize it usually doesn't bring in all that much extra. Show Bruce how you can save at being at home.

In the TWG, there is an excellant article on the cost of going back to work. If you don't have it, you can pick it up at most libraries. Find websites that break down the cost of going to work as opposed to staying home. Show them to him. Even if he doesn't want to, explain how important it is for him to understand where your coming from.


I agree with Debbie in that money is a tough subject to talk about in a relationship. But guaranteed if you don't, the relationship is in for a very rough ride.

[kimmee]

Thank you - thank you - This is so much the kind of guidance I needed!! I know I was relying on you in your time of need and for that I apologize. You really have such a command of this thing that it is hard to not iimpose when we ( I ) have so much to learn. You are such an Inspiration as they all have said her.

[i.m.cheap]

Gosh, you guys spend as much on cigarettes, beer and lottery tickets every week as I take home from my job! My DH smokes too, but he buys Bugler tobacco and papers and "rolls his own" he knows I want him to quit more than anything in the world. The cost for his smokes is about $10 a week. We only buy a lottery ticket when the jackpot gets ridiculously high, like over $100 million, then we buy one ticket for $1. We both realize the odds of winning are astronomical, so it just doesn't make sense to spend more than $1. We don't drink, except for a rare six-pack or bottle of wine to celebrate a birthday, anniversary or holiday. Total spent on alchohol, maybe $40 a YEAR.

I have to work because DH makes less than $10 an hour on his job, and we just could not survive. I work three nights a week as a waitress. We have one car with payments of $398, and a very modest home that we are making mortgage payments of $685 a month on. I see lots of areas you guys could cut back on, but if he is not willing, you are going to have an argument on your hands. I have never been able to stay home full-time, and my family knows that is my dream. When Jon finishes college, I hope he will be able to find a job that pays twice what he is making now, then instead of increasing our spending, I will stay home.

[forestdale]

I have two suggestions but I doubt you'll like either of them.

1. Show this thread to Bruce.

2. Tell Bob that from next month you want your full child support payment, and if he argues about it you want all your back pay too.

I think the advice already given is excellent. I hope that you'll stand up for yourself in this one.

[Ellise]

Kimmee, no advice just I have NO trouble telling DH what needs to be cut back on in order to make it. He says as long as I can get the bills paid and let him know how much he has to spend then he doesn't have a problem with any of it. My DH like CJ's is very Frugal (although he didn't know it) I use to tell him he was so tight with his money he squeeked when he walked!
Praying that all works out for you

[PrairieRose]

Kimmee I had to sort of go behind dh's back at first with the snowball debt reduction plan. When I paid off 2-3 debts I wrote it all out in black and white what I had done, how long it would have taken had we just made the reg. payments and how fast we could be completely debt free by doing the snowball payments. After about a year of my "brainwashing" (periodic updates on where we were, even without his blessings) and a very scarey time for us due to cut backs related to dh's job, he jumped on board with both feet. Now we talk about it all the time and he brags about my management skills to other people....which cracks me up . I've done my fair share of mismanaging....I'll tell ya for sure but I did finally see that the light at the end of the tunnel was indeed a train. We had to do something, we were getting older every day. I would get my pen and paper out and compute what child care, gas, clothes, food would cost you vs. what you could make working full time. Be realistic and at first just "mention" it to him. He will probably be more inclined to talk about it a bit later.