Hubby feeling deprived :(

**Cecilia** · 01-18-2005, 05:56 AM

Last weekend I really made a bargain buying some almost brand new cloth diapers for our new baby due in march. I was soooo happy, although I had to temporarily take money from our emergency account to pay the diapers. I will put the money back on thirsday since that is payday. Finally no money lost just a fine bargain. BUT when I told dh about my bargain he started complaining about us never being able to do anything fun, never buy anything unplanned, or him not even being able to buy a magazine or newspaper... I know this is true, but I don't feel deprived. I feel that I invest in my future economy/frugality when I get bargains like this. (Besides I'll never need to buy another diaper again in my life)
Hubby complained that we wear old clothes, mostly second hand and that I have not been able to buy make-up in the last five years. Well I don't want make-up - I just want a happy, proud dh. How do you get your dh to understand the effort you do to improve your economy???

**COUNTRYBUMPKIN** · 01-18-2005, 06:11 AM

I think it is great that you are frugal and aware of every penny you spend/save. But I also think it is important to relax every now and then and take time to nourish a relationship and go out and have some fun. Dh and I both worked very hard and were very frugal and invested well so that we could retire at a young age, and we did. But we also both realized how important balance is in life, and all work and saving can get to be real old if you have no time to play. We would go and see the movies for $1.50 each and buy a big bucket of popcorn to share. After the movie, take a drive to the beach and park and just sit and talk. We did'nt spend alot of money to just get away and have some fun and nourish our relationship. In our case, It was I who complained that we needed to take some time and smell the roses. Dh agreed and we always looked forward to our special time together.

**DaisyLady** · 01-18-2005, 06:27 AM

Sometimes my dh expresses similar feelings. Usually when I remind him of what our goals are he settles down somewhat. But sometimes we just have to cut loose and do something that is not really frugal.

**Cecilia** · 01-18-2005, 07:25 AM

Countrybumpkin - sometimes living in another country just isn't fair... Going to the movies in my country seems to be about 10 times as expensive as where you are...
But I guess you have a point here

**COUNTRYBUMPKIN** · 01-18-2005, 07:49 AM

Cecilia, Where do you live? I do not see a location for you

There were also times that Dh and I would pack a basket of cheeses, fruits and a bottle of wine and some pretty glasses and just head to the beach and sit and watch the sunset

Cost.....just the gas to get there and back

**britbunny** · 01-18-2005, 08:58 AM

In order to avoid this, I budgeted for Dh and I to have a small monthy allowance. It's £5 each per month, so we do have a little money to buy a small treat if we want to or to charge up a HMV e-voucher we got for Christmas in order that we can get a cd or dvd if we want to.

As it turns out it never bothered DH (as previously discussed he is now the frugal leader on this house) and we put the £10 a month into the bank, but each month it's there just in case.

We've also budgeted for DH's monthly magazine and weekly paper, which I also read but wouldn't buy. So these treats are now a fixed cost for us.

As I was saying in another thread, I will sacrifice many things in order for us to pay off our debts and increase our savings, but our happiness is not one of them. We all deserve luxury everyday, many of these are free - like a good night's sleep or a funny joke others are worth the small amount we pay for them.

**Early Bird** · 01-18-2005, 10:44 AM

We do the personal allowance too. It helps a lot.

**Hollyhandi** · 01-18-2005, 10:47 AM

I'm the new kid on the block, but I was wondering could it be everything right now is the comming baby and he feels left out.
I know when I was pregnant I spent every spare bit of change
on what i would need for the baby. you need to do something just for him. Buy the man a magazine or paper or something special. Then Find moey to take him to dinner even if its Burger King or McDonalds with coupons just make it the 2 of you.
Good Luck and Congradulations

**guest2** · 01-18-2005, 10:55 AM

I think having some "you money" is very important. DH and I each get $10 every 2 weeks (on his payday) to spend any way we wish. I used mine last week to take him out to lunch. He used his to buy some pop and to pick up a few things at the store that we needed for a project here at home. The rule is that the money is for us to do with what we each want to and neither of us can complian about what the other did with it. This has given us some freedom and made for a much nicer home environment.

**homesteadmamma** · 01-18-2005, 11:45 AM

I'm with the other ladies, I think having an allowance will give him the freedom to spend it has he wishes. I would sit down and talk to him about it. Discuss how much each of you should get each month and set some guidelines. When its spent, its spent.

I also agree with Lynn in that there are times when you need to do a few fun things. They don't have to be expensive, just something for fun. One of the things we enjoy the most is packing a picnic and driving back roads. The only expense is gas and possibly a soda pop along the way. But its a wonderful time of getting away from the day to day living of frugality.

**Telephus44** · 01-18-2005, 07:58 PM

I also agree with the allowance idea. It would really bother me not to be able to buy a magazine without asking DH and consulting our budget. Not that I'd actually buy a magazine, but just knowing that I can is important to me.

DH and I run our joint finanaces differently from a lot of people, and more of it is "mine" or "yours" and less of it is "ours". This is in part because DH is a computer nerds, and I would go nuts with him spending the amount of money he spends on computer stuff if it came out of a joint budget.

Recently, we've decided that in addition to buying a house, we want me to able to stay home with the kids (which hopefully will follow soon after the house). This has helped re-adjust his thinking so that instead of "we're so poor" its now, "my wife can afford to stay home with the kids" (hopefully!) so sometimes it helps to have a common goal.

**dhmunoz** · 01-18-2005, 09:37 PM

As much as I try to be frugal, I do take time (and money) from time to time to do or buy little things that I enjoy and my DH does the same. We live super-frugally because we are saving for a house but every now and then we do go do something fun. I really feel like we NEED to do this--my grandma has told me for years how important it is. They (my grandparents) saved money, lived frugally for years and years in anticipation of being able to travel and have fun after retirement. They saved literally hundreds of thousands of dollars...and then my grandpa got sick, was forced to take early retirement.....and passed away after spending about 5 years without leaving his house at all. And the money that they worked and scrimped to get? Well, a doctor and some drug companies made a boatload of cash off of him

I can still remember him saying how much he wished he had gone somewhere rather than pay for medicines because even if it made his life shorter it would have made it better

So sad. As a result I try really, really hard to strike a balance between frugality and not being 'deprived'.

**Cecilia** · 01-19-2005, 05:35 AM

Countrybumpkin - I live in Sweden, way up in the cold nordic countries. So really, driving to the beach is not an option either.. *lol* To much snow there. (Hey, you didn't know)

Hollyhandi - this is our third baby, so I havn't spent anything besides buying the diapers mentioned above. But maybe you are right in him being a little scared about what our new situation will mean to all of us financially.

About the possibility of giving ourselves an allowance I find this hard. We used to do it before having the kids but now the childrens needs always seems moore important than anything else. I could not have a clear conscience taking personal money from our budget, that could be spent for the children or for doing something fun as a family. I feel bad if I buy a chocolate bar...

**britbunny** · 01-19-2005, 05:41 AM

I know you want to give everything to your kids but it is just as important for them to have a happy mother who does not feel deprived as it is for you to buy them something.

My best friend's mother sacrificed everything for him when he was little and it always makes him feel guilty and sad that she had to wait 20 years to be able to get even a lipstick for herself.

**Early Bird** · 01-19-2005, 06:56 AM

I agree that children have many needs -- and many wants. But a dissatisfied spouse can lead to a familyl breakup.

So I'd prioritize DH's 'wants' above the children's 'wants'.

p.s. I have a struggle w/ this too -- since I'm more frugal than DH. But it's been worth it to keep him from feeling deprived.

How old are your chldren?