Parents helping grown kids

[Budgetmom]

There was a recent New York Times article about how parents are helping financially with their adult children's lives. I found it interesting. And it made me curious.

How many of you have parents that help out financially? What did/do they do? Did your parents pay for your college so that you wouldn't have student loan debt? Did they help you out with a down payment on your home? Did they give you an older car? Do they send you cash gifts sometimes?

Or, maybe it's the other way around. How many of you help out your own adult children? What do you do for them?

[tbs727]

What a great question. I'll give you my answer.

I have been buy basically everything for myself since I was 14. I always hated to ask my parents for money so I started working in a fabric store as soon as I was old enough to legally work. I paid for college (still paying...). My dad gave me an old car when I turned 16 and I paid my insurance. Occasionally he still helps with things. Just a couple weeks ago when I was dropping off my sister at his house after school, I noticed I had a nail in my tire. He gave me $100 for a new one and wouldn't let me pay him back. So they do help out sometimes. Usually when its unexpected.

[mommy2many]

My parents have been known to send us money from time to time and they would be offended if I sent it back. But they didn't pay for college or other large exspenses like that.

[Kimberlina]

I'm with the two above posters- my parents will send money if we are really in a pinch, and they offered to give us an old car of theirs recently, but it fell through.

But, I have been on my own financially since I left for basic training when I was 18- a couple weeks after graduation. They've not paid for any of my education or housing since then, and I paid for my wedding except the food only at the reception, DH paid for his own education, etc.

Anything they have given to use since then has been a gift, althgogh I generally try to pay them back in a couple weeks. They don't ever accept it, but I want them to understand I don't expect them to give me money and that I am willing to pay them back (with interest) ASAP when they do gift me some. We've never asked them for money, and they usually hear about whatever from my sister. (The last was when I was having panic attacks so bad I couldn't go anywhere but work in the car- they sent m money so I could see my therapist more frequently than I could afford in my budget.) They have given us money maybe 4 times in the 12 years since I moved out.

We have always been able to manage okay without the money they give us, and I think they know that- it isn't a serial occurarance, or something I am used to or expect. I think when it becomes that way is when it is bad. My grandfather was forever bailing my father out, and my mother finally had to tell him that while they appreciated it, my father was never going to learn to handle his own finances if he kept helping.

As for their motivation, I think my parents fo it because they want us to have it better than they did- mostly they want us not to have to put our DD in daycare. (If I worked full time instead of 15 hours a week, there would never be a money problem, but I'd raher be in a money pinch than send DD to be with a stanger all day.)

[annieacid]

I have to admit, I've probably had more help from my parents than I deserve! I have always been appreciative though, and I have also lent my mom money, and helped her with ideas on how to save it. I was actually the one that started her on vegetarianism and frugality, and she's happier for it, so that is the way I try to pay back my debt.

They don't give me money, but they do let me live rent free in their home, until I move out (coming up in Jan/Feb of next year). I buy my own groceries, and do my own laundry, etc etc, but it's still very gracious of them to let me live there.

I have made some mistakes in the past, got pregnant when I was 19, and then married the guy, which was also a mistake (though not a mistake to have my son!). We didn't have the $ to get a place, so we paid upfront to have my parents build an apartment in their unfinished basement, and we lived in it until we moved into an actual apartment (about 2 years).

After I got separated, I moved back in with my parents, and that's where I am now, as I said, until my boyfriend and I move out into another apartment in Jan/Feb. My ex kept the apartment we had moved into (which he wouldn't have been able to even get if it weren't for me in the first place handling all the finances! He was able to keep it because he was making more than me by then, and he could afford it).

My mom likes having her grandson in the house, and she says she doesn't look forward to when we move, though I'm sure she'll be somewhat relieved...

Oh, I didn't mention though that my boyfriend DOESN'T live with my parents. We also rent a 1 bedroom apartment that we live in when my son isn't with me. That's a long story....

[Emerald_Mommy]

My parents did not (or do not) pay for my expenses after I turned 18. They gave me a used car right after I was married, which helped us out. I am doing college with no debt (and no childcare) so I only go when my dad teaches in exchange for classes. This is his way of helping me and them stay debt free.

My husbands family (much more well to do) have given cash gifts over the years. His grandparents bought our fridge for us, as well. These are always gifts, not loans, and not begrudged or mentioned again. Honestly in the first year of our marriage we might not have made it except for their generosity. We do not ask for handouts, they're just generous.

I plan to be this way with my own kids and others. I want to be a blessing not a crutch, though, so we will not be completely paying for college, or co-signing loans or anything like that. I hope I've explained myself clearly but I feel like I haven't...

[Kimberlina]

Jackie made a good point that I forgot- it works both ways. My parents haven't always been the best with money, and I have given them money in the past, too. (Though they have always paid it back quickly, and it is usually small amounts, $100 or less, until the beginning of the month when Mom gets her retirement check.) It is usually for things like sending in the vacation house payment on time, though- not things that they couldn't possibly live without.

I think families just help each other, you know?

[Mamaw]

My parents have helped my financially during my first marriage by giving me a used car and occasionally giving cash as a gift. My MIL has always been available for small loans in dire emergencies but I dont like to ask her for any help. She does tend to buy items at great prices and gives them to us, as well as to my DGD and DD. This is just the way she is.. I tend to help my oldest DD, SIL and DGD as much as I can. They never ask but I know it is appreciated. I dont give them $$ but I will take them to dinner, buy clothes and items for DGD, bring groceries to the house if I am visiting, etc. So I save them $$ by getting necessities for them at great prices and sharing the wealth. Does that count??

DS is doing much better than I am financially and does not need or expect any assistance so I tend to do less for him. I do pay for meals, etc when I visit them.
youngest DD is living at home and I help her ALOT. She has some medical issues and is still struggling to find her nitch in life so she needs help the most.

My father taught me that you help the child who needs it the most when they need it the most. That way you dont become a crutch for them but are still a "security blanket" But honestly, if I could afford it, I would give them all everything LOL

[KKCondrey]

my parents paid for mine and my brothers college, as well as got us each our first car and they paid for that as well. When I wrecked my car (the one they bought me) my mom gave me her old Honda and she and my stepdad got a cherokee. I never had a carpayment until 2 years ago. Also my grandmother still occassionally sends me $20 or so a month along with all her Sunday paper coupons.

I've never been the type of person that could ask for money unless I deperlatly needed the help and even then, I alway's hated having to do it. When I go home my mom still sometimes gives me money (at least gas money) as well as pays for my meals when we eat out.

I started my first job the summer I turned 15 and aside from my first year of college, maternity leave and the few months I was unemployed last summer after Joe and I had to move there really hasn't been a time that I didn't work. I love working and I am excited to be starting back at the end of the month.

[Michele Annette]

I have never asked my parents for money or things. I hope I will never have to!

Mom was big on shopping and such when I was in high school. I had all the fasionable clothes that my Mom got discounts on working in a department store. She also made a lot of my clothes until I started making my own.

My parents paid for five full years of my college with two degrees. Gave me a wonderful home to stay in, rent free, while I commuted to school and work until I was married at 24.

They bought me my first car to commute to college in. It was a real lemon, so they ended up buying me a new Toyota Tercel. I paid my own insurance, gas, oil changes, repairs, etc. They paid for the loan on the car.

I never asked for any of this. Sometimes mom would push shopping on me, I would say no and she would come home and brag to dad how I didn't want anything during our shopping trip. I just never wanted so much stuff! Still don't!!

I worked part-time (25 hours a week) from the age of 16 until the end of college when I got married and moved out. I paid for all my school books, Art supplies (was a Fine Art and Graphics major=Very expensive!!) clothes (except gifts)I made some of my own when I had time, Anything related to school exept tuition, fun money, etc. I no longer received an allowance and I needed to do regular chores every week as normal.

My Dad worked really hard to make more money and better his family. A move from a small colege town to a big city changed our lives! Mom worked mostly at home with us and worked outside the home part time for years. They have always been very good with money and have tried to teach us responsibility with money while giving us wonderful things in the process. I am very thankful and tell them so.

[Michele Annette]

Sorry about all the typos!

[jlxian]

My parents paid for my college (and my brothers and sister), and have given cash gifts to me and my husband, but did not help with our house purchase. My dad passed away in 1993, and my mother continues to give cash gifts as she is able to --- usually once a year. She is very comfortable, financially.

If I asked for money, my mother would no doubt give it to me. But I won't do that. I think she has helped my sister through some recent tough times. I'm not certain how much help she has given my brothers.

[Budgetmom]

My parents gave me $1500 toward a car when I graduated HS so that I could commute to college. I paid my own insurance and gas, etc. I worked and got scholarships, and paid my own way through college. My parents gave $1000 toward our wedding expenses. We paid the rest. They haven't given us any money for anything else.

DH's parents paid for his college (and his sisters' college). They are better-off financially than my parents. They also let us pick out one piece of furniture each Christmas from the furniture store that they own. We are very appreciative. Whenever we go out to eat, DH's parents will not let us pay or even split. We've tried. DH's dad sees it as offensive. He has tried to give us cash before. Especially since I have been at home the last couple of years. We have never accepted. We're not rich, but we are doing OK without it.

This is interesting.

[dndylfe]

All 6 of us had to get jobs to save for college or to buy cars that we wanted. My parents agreed to pay for half of college: room and board or tuition. If you lived at home, that was considered room and board. They did pay for all of the girls' wedding (there have only been two so far, two to go) but it was always with the clear understanding that it had to be done frugally. My mom made my dress, she catered, my MIL made the flowers, so it didn't really cost that much, maybe a 1,000 total---including a hotel stay and dinner out for 25 people and a plane ticket for me to fly home.

But as grown children, my parents have had a different philosophy---when we were teenagers we had to work work work for anything we wanted. But each of their kids have had to combat different financial problems, my oldest sister's husband has been in phd studies and others for the last 8 years so they always take food to her and send clothes for her kids---but always like, here we have extra from our garden, you have some. One of my brothers struggled under massive debt, one of my sister's is almost 30 and back at home trying to find her niche still, we struggled with unemployment and they sent money and the two youngest have thus far needed nothing.

But they've always taught us that when you help out family with $$$, you should never expect it back---it's a gift it's family. If you're going to need it back or feel resentful, don't even bother giving it. Because not everyone needs help in the same way. Some siblings have been VERY independent and some not so, but every child's different. My mom always made it clear that when they're old, it's completely our job to take care of them, which we've always accepted.

Contrast this with my husband's side who never helped any of their children out without tallying it up (there is literally a balance sheet with how much everyone owes and interest is charged), but they always believed that you must treat every child completely equal. My MIL's mother was this way even to the point of sending you a present and the change so that everyone got exactly their $10 gift (there it was, rattling around in the box). They did agree to help my husband out with his diabetes until he was an adult and on his feet (this only just happened this year).

Sorry this post is long, but the different approaches to money in our families has been a source of tension in the past for dh and me and also a source of much discussion. When we were pregnant and living on $600/mo and dh desperately searched for work, his family offered no help while all of mine sent what little they could. We've just concluded that we wish my side were richer !

[Jasmine]

FIL gave us a car 2 years ago. It was one of the company cars and he's a VP. He's also paying for DHs oral surgeries. When DH was a teenager, they didn't get along and this is his was of trying to make things up. DH had a lot of tooth pain so this is a welcome help. He offered to help us buy our house but we turned him down. FIL also let us use his HELOC to refinance my car to a MUCH better interest rate. We are paying back that loan to him and will save about $2000 in interest.

My mom doesn't give us cash but a lot of times she'll come over with something (usually clothes) for DD. Or if I mention I'm going to buy something she'll buy it before I get the chance. If we go to the store together, she tries to pay for my things with hers.

The biggest help financially from all our parents is that they rotate watching DD while we work. We don't have to pay for daycare since they do this.