need some support...

[schellie69]

I am feeling really stressed right now dh has been handling bills and I did not know how bad things were I have been getting phone calls about bills being past due. I have been cutting every dollar out of the budget that I could find, I am at a lost of what to do has anyone else had something similar happen to them and how did you get through it. I am so upset right now I don't know where to even start. Sorry about venting but I just needed somewhere to let my feelings out. Thanks for listening.

[Scattymum]

first off heres a (((hug))), I dont have any magic advice, we are in the same boat with everything getting on top of us. It takes time but you will get on top of it!

[canadian gardener]

yup been there, done that. We survived it as a couple, but it was tough sledding there for a bit.

we got into trouble a couple of times. Credit cards, lines of credit.

That was back when the kids were little and I'd quit work to take care of them and be a SAHM. Dh went in for gallbladder surgery (semi emergency) and

I found out that he'd been juggling our bills, and our electricity was going to be cutoff and some other bad stuff was happening. We were maxed out on the line of credit that I didn't think existed anymore, and maxed out on ALL credit cards and behind on the utility bills.

this had happened once before, and we'd pulled up and out but here we were again.

I took over for several years, and we began to pull up and out of it again.

We moved back to sharing the task, then he took it back over, and I won't say it's been totally fine ever since, but we've both been a lot more responsible, and that time was a wonderful wake up call for both of us.

He finally "got it" why you can't say it's fine, when you are revolving bill payments, and why credit is a bad thing.

I "got it" why it's wrong for either partner to stay out of the decisions and be blind to what is really happening.

The bad stuff that has happened to us financially since, has been more in the line of things like having to sell houses when the market has tanked and buying in areas where it's going up sharply which means you lose both ways.

He and I worked out the allowance system out of that bad time, and it's one of our best tips.

Along with snowball debt reduction,

and putting away an emergency fund

(as well as figuring on irregular expenses-- Mary Hunt calls it something or other, freedom account I think, --it;s for things like the vet or the dentist or the car tires that come up irregularly)

[canadian gardener]

You can survive it, and it can turn into a source of great strength in your marriage.

Getting thru the anger and blame period is hard. Seeing dh as just a weak and equally mistake prone individual as the rest of humanity, and accepting that I was just as much to blame, even though I didn't spend most of it, was the start.

Forgiving and learning to work around each other's weak areas, and tap into each other's strengths is the key.

[Darlene]

Together go thru and make a list of what you owe & to whom you owe it. Need to see it all in black and white to know where you stand and then you can find ways of dealing with it. Call those you owe and explain the situation to them so they know you do care & want to work on playing catch up. Good luck.

[SewCrafty]

Originally posted by Darlene
Together go thru and make a list of what you owe & to whom you owe it. Need to see it all in black and white to know where you stand and then you can find ways of dealing with it. Call those you owe and explain the situation to them so they know you do care & want to work on playing catch up. Good luck.

Excellent advice, from all the ladies.

And don't forget to call your utility companies too and work out a budget plan. Then look into if you qualify for a subsidy (sp) to help pay your utility bills this winter. Here in NY we have a program called HEAP (Home Energy Assistance Program) and you can sign up through a local Social Services office. Worth checking into to see if your area has this type of help for you.

Hope things work out for you and you can vent anytime here.

[Michelle]

Nothing to add, but I wanted to give

[AmyBoz]

As always, I'm a bit late, but the advice you've received is great and wishing you luck

[PrairieRose]

The above advice was great and just remember they can't *eat* you. You can work through this.......

[Katybird]

[alabamagirl]

Ahhh.... hugs to you. I remember one time I bounced a utility check and the power was about to be cut off. Luckily, we could pay the bill before it came to that but the whole thing was very embarrassing.

It may not seem like it now, but from this day forward you can work on solutions together and get out from guilt and fear and blame.

We are here for you!

[seatosea]

Sending you a hug

[Mojjo]

We were in this same spot about a year ago...it can be really rough. But remember you're upset at the situation, not each other.

[ironmaiden]

Sounds like you need to figure out where you both are at - emotionally and financially. Figure it all out in black and white - whom you owe, how much, what minimums are, what the priorities are.

But more importantly is to figure out how each other is doing and support, not blame. Does badly does he feel? Did he hate to tell you all this cause a) failure issues b) trying to protect you c) thought you'd be angry. You need to talk to him about how you feel too. How being out of the loop made you feel. Talk about how you think you'll feel during this period of cutting back. How will you cope with the days that you feel weighed down by all of it?

Is taking on extra work temporarily a good option - whether babysitting or a part-time job for either of you?

Once your on the same page, then come up with a plan of attack. Xmas for the kids. Not each other - or challenge each other to come up with a "free" gift i.e. a coupon for a special moment.

Then examine every penny that goes out. Can I do without?? If I was on desert island or the cabin we once talked about, would this be a need? What's more important the feeling of satisfaction of getting back on our feet or this thing in the shopping cart?
Who is better at resisting temptation at the grocery store and sticks to the list - that's the person who does the shopping even if it isn't the person who usually does it.

If you are a team on a mission, you will make it.

And reread, homestead mama's journal. Maybe you'll want to do one of your own.

[Mom23boys]

Sounds like you were given some great advice.