Spouse not frugal

[Guest5]

hubby makes good $ & hubby has no intentions of being frugal. we are in debt of course.

how do you live & deal with a spouse who isnt frugal & has no interest in being frugal?

[homesteadmamma]

Thats tough. All you can do is be frugal in the areas you can be frugal in. Don't nag him, however show him when you can see good results in the area you've been working on. If that means your grocery budget is cut by 10%, show him. If it means you've worked hard at paying off a debt sooner than you should, show him. Let him see your successes and leave the rest.

Usually they do come around in some areas. Whether it will be in all areas, remains to be seen.

[thrifty gal]

My dh used to not be frugal. Until he got laid off. I was working at the time, so he took over the duties of paying bills, etc. That is what opened his eyes up to the fact that frugality was the only way we were going to make it. Basically, he has been frugal ever since. He still has his moments, but he saw first hand what I had been trying to tell him for years.

Like CJ said, don't nag him. It won't do any good. Been there, done that.

Good luck.

[ironmaiden]

Figure out why he isn't frugal.
Is it that "we're middle class" therefore we shouldn't have to scrounge?
Or if we have to watch every dime, then I'm not providing for my family?
Or is it the head in the sand, if I don't acknowledge it, it doesn't exist?
What was his parent's financial situation when he was growing up? A lot of kids either mimic or go in the exact opposite of their parents.

My DH was never a big spender, but when he read Your Money of Your Life and he realized that if we paid off the house, we both could do whatever we damned well please. Well, that was just a huge relief. He likes his job and makes good money. But knowing he'd never have to truly fear his project getting dropped or knowing that if he wanted to he could follow some other dream that didn't pay the big bucks. Well, it was very freeing.

Years ago, when I had a job I was miserable at, I realized that I could just up and quit and we could afford for me to take a month or two to find a job. Or when I did finally switch jobs, I took a month off in between. And the job after that I enjoyed so much more - in part because I knew I was there voluntarily. That it wasn't servitude. It was just this happy free sensation knowing that I was there by choice, not obligation.

We have 7 years left to pay off the house by the way. And once we do, we'll have a decade to save for college. And I'm presuming at some point I'll return to work part-time. And with two incomes, house paid off, we should have no trouble paying for college and funding retirement. It's a wonderful feeling.

[Guest5]

growing up: hubbys parents arein debt. hubbys brother & wife have to have everything. THE BEST! if it isnt expensive its crap. they like bargins but to be totally frugal they will almost look down on you.

hubby likes bargins & things like the next guy. he doesnt have this mentality "if it isnt expensive its crap" normally.

i do my own frugal things & hes cool with it but for him to do it regarding hunting & harley stuff forget it. i do show/tell him of the deals etc..typical mood is HAPPY! typical answer is "good. cuz we need to get out of debt." LOL!!!!!!!!!!

he doesnt follow his OWN advice. says he doesnt want to be in debt (is stressed at times) but then spends & bitches about it when he gets stressed! UNREAL!

[Guest5]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by ironmaiden
[B]Figure out why he isn't frugal.
Is it that "we're middle class" therefore we shouldn't have to scrounge? >>

its fine for me to be frugal but not him. he wants what he wants when he wants it! NO matter what! bottom line.

[Hardy1]

My DH was married before and ended up paying off debt from a spendthrift who seems to be going the same way with her DH no2. My DH went through very frugal times and was still being frugal when i met him. Paid everything off and now enjoys spending. He hasn't racked up debt but just doesn't save. We keep separate money but join together for house stuff. I have to watch him when we go shopping as he would put in all the brand name stuff....maybe just because he feels he/ we can now. I like to save but I've got kids at university and savings don't always happen
W

[frugalnana]

Pulling my hair out was more like it. He was neither a spendthrift or a frugal person. If he wanted someting he bought it. But we have been together almost 7 years and married almost 1year in March . He knew I was a frugal person from the start, I didn't need to adjust, he did. I never nagged him I just showed him how I saved money on things, or when we went shopping how one product was better per oz or lb for the price. I also would go on the internet and look for something before shopping and coupon codes.
He also couldn't believe the nice clothes that I got at the thrift stores or yard sales that were in good condition. So when I started buying for him, he was surprised by what I got him for a fraction of the cost.
When we met I had no TV. Now he's a man and likes his sports, so he indeeded to buy a new TV and I said no, that week I went to yard sales and happened on a moving sale and bought a big floor TV for $40 that was 3 1/2 years ago and its still running.
He also liked the best stuff but has gradually changed on his own.
I did give a little when he needed a new vechicle, well to us its new. But I know he travels 38 miles each way and he needed it. So we have a payment which I intend to have paid off.

Also just today I noticed on my electric bill that I was paying for an outside light, so I called and asked about this. I was told that the light that is in my back yard wasn't the schools but was mine, I had an order put in to have it turned off. A savings of $91 a year. Not a big deal to some but it is to me.

So just do your frugal thing and just show him once in a while what you have saved on. Like if you get an outfit and he says its really nice, then tell him where you got it, and how much you paid, he will be surprised. Or if you cut the food bill in half or made an extra payment. I know its hard. Good luck

[Mamaw]

Dh will also tell me "good" if I show him money saved or a frugal buy. but when it comes to hunting, fishing, boats and the like, he wants and wants and wants. Makes me nuts! I have taken to telling him lately that we just cant afford for him to buy any more splurge items. I showed him the increased CC payment, increased gas and electric bills and I generally let him know that $$ are really tight here right now. He still does not get it totally but I think I see a pinpoint of light someplace over his head

[my4littlebuffaloes]

Well, could you crunch some #'s and show him? If you are frugal in order to get your debt paid off, then once it is paid off you can use that money to get the things you want (probably not everything, but some things) and you would OWN the things and not stress about the debt. If you show it too him that way (use something specific he wants for example) it might help. Good luck!

Jennifer

[missmollymayhem]

Man, that is a tough situation, Maggi! I agree with everyone, do what you can. Have you ever considered separate accounts, or maybe a savings account of your own?

He's not going to change unless he wants to, and trying to change him will just give ya a headache. I'd just focus on "you" and what you can do to make yourself happy. Take care!

[Guest5]

[QUOTE]
[B]Well, could you crunch some #'s and show him? If you are frugal in order to get your debt paid off, then once it is paid off you can use that money to get the things you want (probably not everything, but some things) and you would OWN the things and not stress about the debt. If you show it too him that way (use something specific he wants for example) it might help. >>

he just got another raise so there is more $ to spend.

i do buy the stuff i want but not like him. y'know what i mean. im more careful about the cash. i buy when i can. when its a good time.

he makes a budget EVERY payday (every 2 weeks) & sends it to me from work or at home he will show me so i know. i tell him to budget this item or whatever is coming up. then he tells me "we need to watch our spending on food etc & stick to the budget. " then he will sometimes turn around & buy s* from ebay or whatever cuz "its too good of a deal to pass up OR i NEED this for the bike or hunting."

nothing works so here we sit with roughly 3, 500 in his medical bills that werent covered by our medical insurance & flexible spending last year, 12,000 in credit debt, (2 credit cards) the 8, 500 harley, (which will be paid off this spring-YAY!) the 6,000 VA loan, & the 102,000 house mortgage. PLUS he is thinking about buying another harley!!!!!!!!!!!!!

there is NO security. a checking account yes. 401k/retirement yes, life insurance yes-75,000, (not enough! but he will not get increase it. says its fine.) everything is FINE with him. "its fine, fine."

savings account-i have a small nest egg stashed that i am adding to alone but not in a financial institution.

[frugalnana]

I would remind him that he made a budget and he told you that you had to stick to it, so that means he should stick to it, no matter how good a buy something is. I would also tell him that if he wants another Harley that he has to sell the one he has. That this is a committed relationship. He does his part by providing for the family outside the home and you do your part inside the home. That you want to be debt free and in order to do that he has to give a little before you lose everything you have. I would also open myself a savings account somewhere so that you could be earning interest off of it.
If you are the one that pays the bills, I would tell him what needs to be paid, the amount and when. That once these are paid and all necessities are taken care of that he can take 25% of what is left for himself for whatever he wants and the rest you will apply to the smallest debt and once that one is paid that amount will go towards the next debt until all is paid.
If you handle the grocery money, I would look for ways to make healthy meals, but on a very low budget and put the rest away and keep doing this until you have a nice emergency fund set up.
This site has alot of recipes for a tight budget. If you spend $300 a month then make tell yourself you are only spending $250 and then keep reducing it.
I write out a weeks menu's and I don't vary unless of course our family has an outing or our church. YOu can even budget in a night out for dinner.
I always try to make recipes I can make a different dish the next day or maybe two days away. Example, Chili one night, then roast the next. Night three I might make my own version of Chilit spaghetti, with salad and bread, or it maybe chili fries with cheese, or we make chili Nachos. The with the left over roast, I make beef casserole, or beef tacos, or beef stroganoff.
I think you see what I mean. DOn't beat yourself up. Stay on track with what you know is right.
I will keep cheering you on. I know you can do this.

[Cele]

Have you considered joint financial counseling? It can be had for free in most places, and it sounds like he really needs it. Look at the bills he's racked up in one year of marriage. Multiply that by 5 or 10. As long as you're married, you're responsible even if it's all his toys. Very unfair, but very true.

You never know--just the fact that you want him to get counseling might shock him into reality. Good luck to both of you.