Absolutely Furious! (vent/rant, sorry!)

**AGierald** · 02-16-2006, 01:07 PM

So, i am on this site everyday... everyday i look for new recipes, new ways to save money, i menu plan, i cook (well, i try to cook, lol) i bake bread, and this is all AFTER i go to school full time, and work from home constantly.

heres the rant-- my husband has taken over $100 from the atm this week.... in THREE days, $100, and where is it? NO clue! he drank a bunch of it at the bar one night, for his birthday (which im furious about in itself) and the rest has been blown on eating out and buying me FIJI water... do i need fiji water? absolutely not, but what am i gonna do when he picks me up and has a big thing of it with him? a 4 freakin dollar bottle of water...

then theres the smoking. yes, i smoke. I smoke maybe 2 packs a week. He will buy a pack when he goes to the bar (again, which makes me angrier than i can explain) but he doesnt finish them. So which makes more sense, me buying packs that i do not waste, or him THROWING out stale cigs every week...

oh and then! ugh, i sold a bunch of books on ebay for the first time, and made $131. I was really proud of myself, but can i habve that money? no, hes keeping it in his paypal account. He wouldnt let me use any of it to buy the suze orman fico kit, which is fine, but its okay for him to spend $100 that we dont have, on nothing?!?!?

im so furious with him i dont even know all the things to say, but heres my question, am i right? am i right to be angry that im waiting around for him to tell me that hes finally ready to have kids while he goes out drinking, and while he spends money on abso0lutely nothing? am i right to think this is completely unfair? See, im not as mad about him getting drunk at the bar (hes never ever drunk), because i understand. His dad had open heart surgery on my Dh's birthday so its been stressful, but im so upset with him lately i can hardly see straight!!!!!

*okay, end of rant, i feel better, thank you*

**MOMMYDEAREST** · 02-16-2006, 01:35 PM

i'm so sorry about all of this. my hubby gets careless with money also (not alot but sometimes). you both need to sit down & talk about all of this, its really stressing you out & he needs to know exactly whats on your mind. good luck!!!

**Dixie** · 02-16-2006, 01:37 PM

Can you get your own PayPal account for future sales?

**Darlene** · 02-16-2006, 01:50 PM

Yep, time for a heart to heart. You definately both need to be on the same page before kids come into the picture. Hope he settles down soon.

**FrugalMomof3** · 02-16-2006, 01:58 PM

AG,

I am sorry to hear about your situation, honestly I dont think you are wrong, not by a long shot but I do think you should sit down with him and tell him how hard your working to cut costs and that you would expect the same from him, and that you really know it is important to him to buy you a $4 a bottle water but you really dont need that, if it makes him happy to buy you water then a generic brand from the store would be just fine, it's the thought that counts.

I can honestly say that I dont really have that problem, hubby doesn't usually buy anything unless we talk first, atleast nothing over $20 and I am the same way.

I really think you should talk to him and I agree that you should get your own paypal account. I have my own paypal account and so does hubby but I mostly do the selling of my own personal items and the money I make is used to buy items for the house or deposited into our checking account.

OH! and BTW Congrats on the great sale on eBay!

**Kimberlina** · 02-16-2006, 02:10 PM

I agree- time to talk. Is this a pattern, or has it just been since his father's surgery? I think it is important to consider not just this one week, but the overall pattern, then sit down and talk in your best non-confrontational way.

**Nichole** · 02-16-2006, 02:27 PM

I'm sorry to hear that you have had such a frustrating day!

It sounds like you both are not on the same page. Like the ladies above, it sounds like you need to have a talk. Try to be as calm as possible, though, so hopefully he will hear you.

Have you done a budget together? You may want to put a budget together and go over it with him, ask him what he thinks and ask for suggestions on what he thinks should be changed.

You also might want to put into the budget an "allowance" for both of you. My husband and I each get $30-$50 each payday for our personal expenditures (meals out, movie rental, a bottle of wine). Since we're on the same page we're both really good about not spending on top of that for personal things unless we have agreed upon it and have incorporated it into our budget.

I hope your day gets better!

Nichole

**ironmaiden** · 02-16-2006, 02:48 PM

If he feels that he has to account for every penny to you, he might resent that "authority" over him. Like reporting to mommy and not being an independent grown up. One solution is that each of you have a pool of money that some part of a paycheck goes into each week and it can be spent on anything. Don't use the word allowance - that's also "kid-like".

You could have put $20 in my father's pocket and told him to walk around the block and he'd come back without a dime. My mother handed him money each morning and did not expect to see a penny of that at the end of the day. It's about figuring out a solution that works in your house.

**schellie69** · 02-16-2006, 03:05 PM

I am sorry to hear about your hard, I agree with the ladies above time to sit down and talk. there might be other things bothering you dh he is not telling you I would write a basic budget then sit down and talk to your dh about how you can take of this and maybe sit some goals for things you need and want. sometimes seeing things in black and white helps hope things get better and hang in there great sale on ebay.

**AGierald** · 02-16-2006, 06:20 PM

Thanks so much everyone for your help... I wrote that and then left for school, so i just now read them all, and you rock

hubby does go to the bar every week, wich is a different issue, but he never ever gets drunk, i think that was over stress from his dad and everything...

we will talk, but im not good with the "non confrontational" stuff so i need to prepare before we do talk, lol... i was considering letting him have maybe 15-20 a week, or maybe like however much he needs for gas and then like 10 above that....

i hope i didnt make him sound like a bad guy, cuz hes not, but he still does have some growing up to do (as do i, lol) cuz hes only 23. but i do appreciate all your help everyone

THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME VENT!!!

**Mamaw** · 02-16-2006, 09:18 PM

You are not wrong. You need to open a conversation about this and try to compromise with him. Maybe he will be willing to meet you half way when he realizes you are not trying to take very thing away from him. Try talking about what goals and dreams he has for your future together so you both have something to strive for. Good luck

**frugalfarmwife** · 02-17-2006, 03:40 AM

I agree with the others, a talk is needed but not confrontational, a discussion on goals and the future, have you read any of Dave Ramseys books? Even if it's not a discussion about debt his ideas are great!

I'm VERY lucky now, I've been through what you're going through and with us it was a matter of him feeling like I was "mom" rather than wife, but I've always been the one on top of finances, hubby was raised with the "we'll take care of it tomorrow" mentality and that don't fly with me, lol!

Time and patience, and baby steps, always baby steps

My hubby now gets maybe 5 dollars a week for pocket money but we're on the same page goal wise, getting the farm paid off

kj

**Lori Biever-Launder** · 02-17-2006, 08:37 PM

Explain to DH it's not the going to the bar that bothers you, it's the amount of MONEY he spends at the bar! For what he's spent at the bar, he could have a couple of buddies over and watch the game. If everyone chips in $5.00, you could buy beer, chips and pretzels for the gang and not be out huge amounts of money. It's worth a shot.

As for the $4.00 bottles of water, tell him you'll save him an empty bottle and he can refill it for you each day. At $4.00 a day X 20 work days= $80.00 a month! If you save that each month, you will have about $1000.00 at the end of the year!!!