hubby won't cooperate!!

**marlamomof4** · 03-14-2006, 12:29 AM

I'm sure you all have perfect spouses (haha!), but here's my problem/opportunity. My dh and I are remodeling our home, will be done in 6 weeks or so, then selling because we need a bigger home. Our 4 yo doesn't even have a bed to sleep in - no joke. When the house sells we will be able to pay off all debt and have approx. $60,000 - $70,000 left over to put towards new house. We only make $22,000 a year, so this is huge for us (I homeschool our 4 kids). Anyway, my hubby wants to blow any "extra" money we get our hands on. We got an equity loan on our house to fix it (we bought it as a fixer-upper), and he wasted almost half the $$ before we could finish it. So now we have to use our tax refund to complete the projects we have going already. He has run up all the cc, and I'm worried he will do the same thing with our profit. He knows we're broke, but it's like cash burns a hole in his pocket! I know none of ya'll know the money fairy ( I wish there was such a thing!!), but do you have any ideas on how to convince him to finally do the right thing with our finances? Thanks in advance!

**frugalfarmwife** · 03-14-2006, 06:54 AM

Oh my, I DO understand and was where you are not long ago, the thing that rocked my husband back on his heels was finding out that his mother had blown through a LARGE inheritance and was deeply in debt all within 4 years, this has put my husband in line about 98% of the time.

Who handles the bills/money in your house? I'd sit down and chart out what comes in/what goes out and what is owed VS yearly income and how long it would take to pay things off at the rate you're going now.

I know others will have a LOT more advice, but know I'll be sending you good thoughts on this!

kj

**KarGaro** · 03-14-2006, 07:45 AM

I wish I had some advice for you but I'm having the same problem. My dh makes a very good salary but is in total denial on how much he has available to blow. We too are trying to finish an addition and don't have much left to do but I feel that we should stop where we are and get ourselves back on track before we do any more - he doesn't get it. I also just finished reading Dave Ramsey's book and although I don't plan on following it exactly there are ALOT of good ideas in it that I would like to implement. My dh listens but I feel like it goes in one ear and out the other. I've given him the book and asked him to read it but so far he hasn't even picked it up except to move it. I'm hoping to really have a heart to heart this weekend and try to get us on the same page.

Karen

**Darlene** · 03-14-2006, 07:55 AM

Like kj said get it down on paper where he can see what's going on. Talk talk & talk some more. Also a small allowance of some $ makes people feel like they are getting something for themselves and makes them feel like it's not all just deprevation. See what you can bribe him with.

No money tree here either but sending you best wishes as you head on to your next adventure.

**dhmunoz** · 03-14-2006, 08:09 AM

Yikes. I am so hoping that everything works out for you.

My recommendation would be Dave Ramsey's book, and if you can find his radio program, it's really good. Maybe if your DH listened to the program he might be able to identify with one of the callers, or at least get some ideas.

In a way, because I myself have a tendency to be a "spender", I can kind of see where he's coming from. NOT that it makes it right--it doesn't...but maybe he feels deprived, your income is pretty low. Ours is too. My DH and I have 5 kids and our income now that DH no longer has a second job is about $31K. There are times when both my DH and myself feel really deprived because we have to do without a lot of "wants" and fun stuff just to keep the household running. Maybe you guys could come to some kind of agreement, that he could have X amount to spend and the rest simply has to go toward debt and a house.

Good luck

**FrugalMomof3** · 03-14-2006, 08:10 AM

Marla,

Well I agree, you should talk to him, I can understand when that money comes in he wants to buy something for himself and that's understandable, but explain to him that there are bills that need to be paid and if they dont get paid you could go back into deep debt and wont know how to get out of it.

Your yearly income (as with in our home) really isn't much so that money is like a blessing, tell him that other things have to come first, make a chart or a budget and list everything that has a TOP priority as well as everything else, talk to him, show him the chart and see how he reacts.

Maybe if he sees it on paper he will have another attitude. I know my hubby wasn't too happy about being frugal but when I told him that we had to be in order to start saving a little here and there he understood.

Let us know how the outcome is, I will pray for you and your family!

**suzysaver** · 03-14-2006, 10:13 AM

I generally don't agree with this tactic, but guilt trip worked on my husband. Just by writing everything down and what I was spending on a daily bases (next to nothing), and then what he was spending (lets just say he had no idea) I kept track for a few weeks and then left it were I knew he would see it. He felt really bad, no matter how many times we had talked about it, he just really didn't start listening until he saw it on paper.

**frugalfarmwife** · 03-14-2006, 10:27 AM

Originally posted by suzysaver
I generally don't agree with this tactic, but guilt trip worked on my husband. Just by writing everything down and what I was spending on a daily bases (next to nothing), and then what he was spending (lets just say he had no idea) I kept track for a few weeks and then left it were I knew he would see it. He felt really bad, no matter how many times we had talked about it, he just really didn't start listening until he saw it on paper.

Suzy you're good

I've done this at times when his little purchases get out of hand, it can really get their attention focused for a while.

kj

**madhen** · 03-14-2006, 10:49 AM

You mention that your husband wants to blow any profit you make from the sale of your house, but you don't mention what he actually wants to do with the money. Does he have a specific thing he wants to spend it on? Maybe you can compromise, and agree to spend $5,000 or whatever amount is agreeable to you both, and spend the rest on buying a new home.

It sounds like he knows that you SAY you are both broke, but he doesn't really actually KNOW you are broke. You also are not going to get him to read a book he isn't interested in. If possible, I would talk to him about saving (not nagging, because he'll stop listening, but in an excited, positive way), "teaching" him the lessons you learned from the book that way. If you are excited and positive about it, he might get there too.

I also agree that you should write down all your debts. If he has blown half your HELOC, discuss that with him, too, but try not to do it in a critical way - just very objectively point out to him that he isn't good at saving, and that you have children who will be requiring a LOT of money down the road, if they decide to go to college. If you show him that you can come out ahead financially, maybe give him a reward (i.e, if we spend this entire amount and buy a new house outright, you'll have "X" number of dollars more per paycheck to spend on the things you like, vs. spending a bunch now and ending up with less of a house than we want or having house payments), perhaps he'll be more inclined to listen.

I have found that I don't hear things when I'm being lectured or condescended to, even if the things being said to me are 100% dead on accurate. But talk to me about it as a partner, and I'll get on board about 98% of the time.

**tlenad** · 03-14-2006, 11:52 AM

I don't really have any advice but I just have to say to all of you that are dealing with this. You must have the patience of a saint. I'm not sure I could.

My parents are the same way though> My mother was a born saver and my father is a born spender. I don't know how they deal with it sometimes. It would drive me crazy.

Good thing I don't have a spouse though, I have a hard enough time controlling myself half the time.

**peanut** · 03-14-2006, 01:18 PM

My dd#1 had to deal with this, and I wish I could put her on to give you all some ideas. Her dh has pulled a complete 180 on the subject of money. Primarily he needed to be given hope and to be convinced that they could actually afford to do things.

He also needed to understand where his ideas on money came from and to take away money as a power struggle between them.

That meant them keeping separate bank accounts for awhile, splitting non-discretionary costs right down the middle, and then dd#1 saving the rest of her money for luxuries. When her dh saw that she could get nice things and afford to do nice things on minimum wage, he started to sit up and take notice.

She read him "Your Money or Your Life" by Joe Dominguez and Vicki Robins outloud at night for bedtime reading. Once he saw purchases as hours of work in his life, he had a new appreciation for exactly what money was and how to deal with it.

In my own life experience, I have a feast or famine dh. Either we're broke or incredibly wealthy. He can't fathom the middle line. If we're broke, no one is allowed to spend any money on anything. If we're wealthy, he goes out and spends on electronics equipment. He's getting better.

I took the bull by the horns by taking the money I did have control over and being really frugal with it. I then took the leftovers to buy things that would help run the home even more frugally. Eventually I ran out of things I needed, so I used the leftovers for luxuries that I wanted...like taking dh out to a cafe every now and then.

Of course he started to question where the money was coming from. I was able to tell him I'd dropped the grocery budget by $100 a month and was still getting by just fine. He was sold.

Now he listens to me about money. He may not always believe me, but he knows enough to work the figures when I say something before automatically kicking in with deprivation talk or 'let's go buy...' ideas.

For my part, I just tell him once, encourage him to do the figuring, and just let things lie. I know when the mortgage will be paid out. He has a different idea. We'll see who's right. And in the long run, a couple extra months on the mortgage isn't going to be a big deal. For now though, I've got him convinced to throw every extra cent we can on the mortgage, to get out from under debt finally!

HTH

Jean

**Michele Annette** · 03-14-2006, 02:02 PM

Maybe you should also talk about your common goals with your money. Make him talk about it. If he hears himself then maybe it will "click" or maybe not. We all deserve a treat once in awhile. Why does he have to spend ALL of the extra money? If your DH wants to spend it and you want to save it then what are your goals for doing so and why? If your DH blows it all and then loses his job or has and injury then where is the extra money to fall back on? Don't ever think that situations like this will not or do not happen to you. They can and sometimes they do and it's really scarry when they do, I know. Have him talk about why he wants to do it his way and then you talk about why you want to do it your way. Hopefully you can come up with a comprimise.

**chatterweb** · 03-14-2006, 02:27 PM

DH broke his leg late last year, and we had
Savings to fall back on. Not all men are
Frugal, and mine is a big spender, but he is
Getting better. I noticed what helped recently that I asked him if I could
Sell this or that, he really perked up
And even compromised on only
Going snowboarding one day instead of two, I can sympathize with you, it
Can be a neverending battle...

**ewokgirl** · 03-14-2006, 04:25 PM

I'm new here and decided to register so I could reply to this one. I'm pretty sure that if you sell a home, then pocket the money from the sale rather than turning around and putting it into a new home, you're taxed pretty heavily. You might want to point that out to your husband. Blowing the money from the sale could wind up costing you a lot come tax time.

**pecunierrant** · 03-14-2006, 05:32 PM

Here are some ideas that come to mind, maybe something with help?

Show him a complete written budget. This may cause his eyes to glaze over, so you may need to take it slowly.

Have talks about both of your hopes and reachable dreams. Maybe point out some of the small steps you both could take to reach them.

Is there something in particular he wants, like a new/used car or truck? Try to whittle his wants down to one that he would really like to strive for.
Is there room for this item as well as a downpayment on a new home & bill paydown ? Try to do the money crunching with him. Maybe if he sees all that can be done if youre both both restrained it could help?

Maybe taking him by he hand and sharing these things as well as sharing your fears and concerns could help.

Good luck.

~Audrey