Do I feel peer pressure at my age????

**Buckeye5** · 08-09-2006, 01:19 PM

Ok, as you all know I recently quit working outside the home. Lifestyle changes definitely, more harmonious household, most definitely. Anyway, I was a fill in at card club with all women last night. One of the women, who is retired teacher, asked where I was working. I said that I am at home now. She said, home????You mean you're not working at all, just staying home????Oh boy, did I feel not only poor but stupid as well. Then, as I was thinking off and on about her statements to me, why do I feel peer pressure at my age (41) 3 teens at home, I felt not as worthy as I did only because of her comments. Peer pressure or paranoia?? my own insecurities??Not sure, maybe all three. She made me feel unintelligent and I let it get to me. Any comments??

**MrsB** · 08-09-2006, 01:29 PM

I get this alot. I'm only 21 and I've been a stay at home wife since May 1st. I get alot of dirty looks and immature comments about me staying at home. Mostly from dh's family (the comments are behind my back, the looks are to my face). Alot of "older" women (not implying anything here ladies. *grin*) that work, have their kids in daycare or with a babysitter, eat out every night, etc etc etc will make comments like "It must be nice" or "How do you manage", etc. I'm learning to just brush them off, although its hard when dh's family implys that I'm a bad wife for staying at home. Like you said it does make me feel poor, stupid and unintelligent. I have people tell me about job openings they know of. Thanks but no thanks. I CHOSE to stay to home. I'm not here because I CAN'T find a job. I was offer a District Manager job with the company I was with and gave it up to stay at home.

It will be easier to explain once the baby comes, but I don't think we should need an excuse to justify our lifestyle choices. They (being the working moms/wives) don't have to make excuses for them working, so why do we have to?

Sorry to ramble. This just always hits a nerve for me.

**Lorelei** · 08-09-2006, 01:58 PM

It should get easier the longer you stay home and find others who do, also. Part of the problem may have been that you were taken off guard at her remark. The next time someone makes a tacky comment like that you'll be prepared. Something simple like, "my family is so glad we were able to set and reach such an important goal for us" should make people like her stop and think a minute. At another gathering you might find women who want to stay home too and will want to know how you did it. Not everyone thinks staying at home means doing nothing.

Try not to let negative comments get to you. Some people just don't realize the world is full of choices and not everyone wants or should do everything the same as everyone else. You've made a choice that many, many women make for the good of their families. It's the right one for your family and that is really all that matters.

**Daisygirl** · 08-09-2006, 02:56 PM

I think it is terrible to criticize anyone for their chosen lifestyle. For me, I enjoy working, and if I were to get remarried I am not sure if I would want to stay home or not. But the fact is people should all be respected for their decisions. You have made many lifestyle changes in order for your family to be able to afford this, adn frugality can be a fulltime job in itself. In any profession, whether it is paid work outside the home, or full time homemaker, you make decisions and choices to reach your goals. No one should try to make it seem like your goals are less important than their own.

Sometimes I get the opposite reaction. I get the headshakes of sympathy from the stay at home moms because I work fulltime and have to have daycare.

I have found the best reaction would be something along the lines of what Lorelei said. But please neve fell that you should defend your decisions, because you made thosse decisions for reasons that only must be valid to you and your family.

**JustJoy** · 08-09-2006, 03:26 PM

I can totally relate. I quit my corporate job almost 5 years ago and have been a homemaker since. Alot of my friends and family members don't understand how I can be happy with my life now. And I have to say that I think a few of them are jealous that I don't have to work outside the home. It used to really bug me about what others were thinking and/or saying about me staying at home, but as time goes by it's gotten alot easier.

**Cricket1** · 08-09-2006, 04:01 PM

I'm a SAHM that is just starting to go back to work at night. It will be p/t retail and I feel like people are wondering about my choices. Before I had kids, I taught so this is a different direction, but one that will give us extra money, allow me a little sanity (probably too late for that), and it's a job that I can "leave" at work.

I know sometimes people can be rude, but what is that old quote by Eleanor Roosevelt? Something to the effect of "Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent." I probably just totally blundered it, but you get the idea. Who cares what people think, only you can decide what is right for you and your family.

**brenda67** · 08-09-2006, 04:50 PM

I got one for ya..... I do work... but only 24 hrs(did have a cleaning job on the side for a Dr's office...but no longer there) and I have gotten many comments like it "must be nice" in a snotty way... just because I don't work 4 or 5 days a week... Is those comments a put down?? In short Yes... they are put downs in my eyes... Thats when I decided to tell them that I'm a very frugal person and try to spend my money wisely...watch the grocery store flyers and match coupons with the sale items that I use on a regular basis and stockpile as much as I can...Buy clothes when I can get the best price for them and buy off season..Often I buy my kids clothes at Old Navy when there is a Big sale and use coupons I printed off the internet to have more of a savings... Basically I end the conversation where they are speechless....I could go on and on about this... My point on this is I think people will have comments no matter what the situation is...Personally I'm jealous that I can't be a stay at home mom.!!!...Maybe someday... So "Smile" Your very fortunate to be able too and don't let anybody bring you down when it's your life not theirs!

**pammy** · 08-09-2006, 05:21 PM

I let it get to me sometimes, too. I think it does have a lot to do with being caught off guard. I now have a standard answer to pull out when something like that happens again. I state that I have learned to really stretch dh's income, shuts most of them up. The really pushy-nosey ones I'll continue with ways that I save money (like not eating out, having the latest fashions, thrift store shopping, cooking from scratch) and that will shut up the rest. Usually the ones that try to make me feel bad are the ones who secretely they wish could do what I'm doing, yet they don't want to do the sacrificing I do, so they shut up.

Try not to take it personally. I've found women are mean to other women, and it's usually something happening in their own lives that they feel the need to lash out at someone else to feel better themselves. Just keep smiling, chickie!

**Jeanna** · 08-09-2006, 06:39 PM

I am 40 and I have worked off and on thru my marriage, but health problems have finally put a stop to that. It seems like that is the first thing out of anyones mouth--Where are you working at. I finally told them that my husband made enough for me to stay at home--talk about some looks. Of course I drive a 95 windstar and most of my clothes are old or came off the clearance rack, but when they look at me they can't tell and they can sure tell we have plenty to eat.
I think any of us that stay at home should brag on our husbands, every once in a while.

**halloweenfreak** · 08-09-2006, 08:21 PM

i dont see the problem with being a sahm, thats how i was raised and i had hoped to be able to do that with my son. i was too scared to actually do it until my dr. put me on bedrest while i was pregnant and we HAD to learn to make do with my husbands paycheck. now i know we're better off with me being at home. theres always a meal ready when he gets home from work, i dont have to worry about taking off if the kid gets sick. besides, my pay would only go to pay someone else to watch him anyway. why would i want that? my sil often says, i dont know how you do it. stay at home all the time like that. i have to be going all the time. i dont say it but in the back of my mind im always thinking it- thats why you pay day care for 3 kids, ran up all your bills and had to declare bankruptcy. she works at a grocery store in one town, and the day care is in another town. so you know all that money is going into day care and gas driving them to it 20 mins away. i know they would be better off financially if she was a sahm, but she gets "bored". so never feel ashamed of being a homemaker, your family is better for it and thats all that matters.

**Droppedonmyhead** · 08-09-2006, 08:23 PM

I think that a lot of women are probably envious of other women who can stay home. I always wanted to do it, but I never could because I was the sole support for myself and my daughter. It broke my heart when she would beg me to stay home and be there when she got home from school. It just reduced me to tears. Be proud of your choice and stand by it and don't ever let anyone diminish you because of it.

**ubumartin** · 08-09-2006, 08:35 PM

I am sorry that the woman said that to you and made you upset. I know people say things and don't realize how their comments make others feel. That is very wrong for anyone to judge what your situation is. Maybe she is jealous that she didn't have the CHOICE to stay home rather than be in the work place. You should feel value about your choice and not let someone's rude comment make you second guess yourself. I would love to be at home and I am trying to make changes in my life so that will be a possibility. I hope you come up with a good come back for the future when and if you get that same attitude from her or someone else.

**kabin63** · 08-09-2006, 08:47 PM

I agree with a lot of what is being said. It was very insensitive of that woman to say that, but I think she might be jealous too, because most of us, at least my age, were raised by SAHM's and I really feel that there is so much more value to being home than at work. Someone said there SIL said she would get bored at home....well, I am the opposite. I get bored at a job away from home, so being home, for me, is the best place.

**sugarbowlbaby** · 08-09-2006, 08:55 PM

I hate it when I tell someone I'm a SAHM/WAHM and they just look at me and then ask, "What do you do with yourself all day!!" Cracks me up. Some people are just clueless!

**peanut** · 08-09-2006, 09:56 PM

I had a similar situation at an initial Bible study group meeting the other night. We were talking and getting to know each other. I told them a bit about myself. There were only 6 in the crowd, and I expected hostile reactions. I'm a SAHW/M and have been for 12 years. I also homeschooled my girls. In the group was a school teacher and his wife (who just closed down a daycare), a single working mom, a young man married without children, and an elderly lady who never had any children and has volunteered extensively in the school system.

I told them when it came time for me to go back to work, dh and I discussed it and it became apparent we didn't need to do it for money. When I cornered him on the topic, he admitted he liked having me home when he came home from work, even if the housework wasn't done! He'd grown up in the home of a mother who always worked. I think he felt neglected.

On top of that I made a mind map - 17" x 24" - of things I want to do in my life before I die. I think I have enough to keep me going another 100 years! And not one of the things listed on there is "work at a job". I find doing the same thing day in and day out very boring.

I then went on to tell them some of the interesting things I am doing. Designing fibre art projects, learning new skills, writing a book...or two. It piqued their interest. I was no longer "one of those" leaches on society. I gave them something interesting to talk about and direct the conversation towards.

So my advice is to look at what you DO do and bring that into the conversation, so they can think of a graceful way (hopefully) out of being an idiot.

Short story...don't let them get to you. Make a 'ta da' list of the things you do each day and feel good about yourself.

Jean