Feeling guilty for staying home

**leela21** · 09-02-2006, 08:46 AM

Hi all this is my first real post here. I am wondering if anyone else is in our boat? I am a sahm to 3 kids ages 15,13,9. In the past year I have finally got my finances in order better. We have about 7000.00 in savings, no credit card debt and I am paying off our vehicle next(about 7500.00 to go) then our home equity of 17,000.00. I am feeling very guilty that as our oldest approaches college I am not working outside the home. We have very little saved for them only about 3000.00 each. I remember when my Mom went back to work when my brother was getting ready for college I was left home alone as a teenager and boy did I get into some trouble. I am feeling so torn. Will my childrens ability to go to college be affected by my choosing not to work? Am I being lazy? DH wants me to do what I feel is right-big help...lol

**pammy** · 09-02-2006, 09:14 AM

Hi Leela, and welcome!

First off, congrats on paying off the credit cards and wanting to do the same with the car and HE loan. And you've got a decent savings, good job!!

I feel for you. Remember though, you've been in those shoes and know firsthand how kids can get into plenty of trouble being left alone as a teen. You are giving them something, you. Hey, being at home with 3 kids, whether they are in school all day or not, IS work, so NO you are not lazy!

Also know that there are ways for them to go to college, there is help out there. Working, scholarships, work-study programs, etc. Might take some work find them, but it's out there.

I grapple with the same thoughts. I have a 17 y/o dd. I don't work outside the home. We're hoping to have enough by next year when she leaves to be able to help, and we may cash flow some help for her, as well. Yes, it could be so much better if I were working, money-wise. But I really feel I'm giving her more being at home. I smarted off one day 'maybe I should go back to work' and her immediate response was a resounding 'NO!!!", after which she threw her arms round me. Teens can and do get into a lot of trouble, and I feel it's important to be here now. I've decided to quit feeling guilty about it.

It sounds like your hubby doesn't care, either way, and only wants you happy. It's hard to know the right answer. You do what is best for your family, and try to keep your chin up.

Big (((hugs)))!!

**Telephus44** · 09-02-2006, 12:13 PM

I don't think that you're lazy for staying home or wanting to stay home. You're still making a valuable contribution to your family. I think a lot of times we feel that as moms we need to do *everything* - including bringing home a paycheck - but we aren't superwoman, and we can't do it all.

As far as hurting your children's chances to go to college - that depends a lot on what you're looking at. The less income your family earns, the greater your chances of qualifying for financial aid, so you staying home could work in their favor for that. It also depends on what type of college you're looking at - if your children want to go to a $45K a year college that's far away, well, even with a boatload of financial aid it's probably not going to happen. If they're looking at a state school or community college it probably won't be that hard, but it depends a lot on the overall picture (what schools your children want to go to, how much extra money you can afford towards school every year, how much of it will your children cover themselves, etc.)

I'm kind of struggling with a similar issue right now since I'm pregnant with my first child, about setting up a college fund. One of the things that I am very grateful for was the opportunity to go to an expensive 4 year private college, AND that while my parents picked up a lot of the tab, I also had to work to pay my fair share and graduated with a bunch of loans. I think that this had a lot to do with me learning financial discipline at an early age - something I don't think I would have learned if I had just had my education handed to me free because they had enough saved up. I want to make sure my child(ren) have the same sort of experience that I did. So I wouldn't fret if they end up having to take out loans to cover some of the cost - it didn't overburden me with debt, but it made me a lot more careful with my money (I didn't run up credit cards, I didn't cut classes because I was paying for them, I did go out and get a job as soon as I graduated...).

**autumnlynn** · 09-02-2006, 12:18 PM

Leela,

Hi and Welcome to the Village. In my opinion being home with your children is a wonderful thing. If I wasn't a single mom, I would stay home in a heartbeat. No, I don't think you're lazy at all.

My ex went through college with no outside help (from parents) and he graduated college with no student debt. He did this by going to a community college two years. While there he applied himself very hard and graduated with a 3.8 GPA. He applied for scholarships and grants; anything that didn't have to be repaid. He went to the financial aid office and they told him of some little known scholarships. After two years he transferred to a university and applied for scholarships, etc. there. Of course, I worked during this time.

There are a lot of scholarships which are not based on financial income. Hope this helps some.

**PrairieRose** · 09-02-2006, 01:48 PM

Hello

I'm a fellow sahw/m. My 3 kids are all grown and have gone through college with no debt, by us paying as they go and with the help of lots of scholarships. I've struggled in the past with feeling guilty for staying at home too but I'm soooo over that. My 3 are out of the nest, it's just me and dh now. It sounds to me like you're in a very good place financially on your way to being debt free. If you stick with it, you should be debt free and should be able to help your kids a lot during their college years should you choose to do so. There are lots of options on cutting down the costs of college like: community colleges for basics, living at home while attending that and even a 4 yr. college (not always an option ofcourse --- it wasn't for us), they can take a lighter load and work part or full time through college and pay as they go. They can also acquire a skill that will help them get an internship that pays for college as they go. Don't feel guilty, it's a useless, self inflicted emotional punishment. If you are making a great contribution which I know you are, what have you to feel guilty for? I'm soooo happy that I stayed home with my 3 while they were young. It made a huge difference for us all. Relax, be happy

**leela21** · 09-02-2006, 07:46 PM

Goodness thank you so much for the affirmations! Tonight as I sit here my oldest is just getting back from a soccer game and we are talking about the whole day(game was 2.5 hours away). DD and I canned 12 jars of apple pie filling together. I know we NEVER would have had the time to do that if I were working. DD has had a friend over most of the day and she will spend the night(probably not an option if I had to work the next day). After I am done here I am going to fry up some french toast with left over bread that I don't want to throw away. I also just finished ordering my coupons from thecouponclippers.com and cleaned out my coupon file and cut out some I had here at the house. Another thing that will save me significantly this week as we have a store that doubles up to 2.00(price chopper). I know that would fall by the wayside if I were working even part time. Just doing the few things I did today I did not get any laundry done and we need to do 2 loads a day. Anyhow thanks I appreciate the encouragement and look forward to more!

**thrifty gal** · 09-02-2006, 10:44 PM

I think you are doing wonderful! Like the others said, there are plenty of ways to get college paid for without having to go to work. I don't think you should feel guilty at all. Whatever you decide to do, good luck!

**treeluva** · 09-03-2006, 05:13 AM

It is such a hard emotion... wanting to pay for them to go to college without running up debt high enough to power a small country, wanting them to earn their education, feeling guilty because parents "should" pay their childrens way through college.....

PHOOEY TO IT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!

If you feel staying at home is important, then it is IMPORTANT! More important than paying for them to go to college. When there is a will, there is a way, and you can find a way, that doesnt have to include you leaving the home, which is where you feel you need to be! (Sorry if I sound very demanding or point blank)

**kabin63** · 09-03-2006, 08:12 AM

I don't feel guilty at all for staying home with my DD. I made the decision to do this so that I wouldn't miss out on anything in her life as she was growing up. It might sound selfish, but kids are only with us for a few short years and then we have to hope and pray, as we turn them loose, that they will make it on their own, and be happy and successful in whatever they choose to do in life. It saddens me that society and others place such pressure on women to work away from home. I would never ever discount the single mothers and others that have to work, but this is my personal choice. I think teens need their parents at home more than ever to help guide them and keep them out of trouble. I remember what I did while my mom was working.....Yikes! So, I don't feel guilty at all about being home.

**carolyns** · 09-03-2006, 11:05 AM

i recently began working part time and i feel very guilty. i think no matter what we decide to do, we are going to have that guilt there!

**Droppedonmyhead** · 09-03-2006, 12:18 PM

My biggest wish in life was to be a SAHM, but it was never to be. I was a single mom who had to work full-time. It broke my heart when I was home for a month due to surgery and my daughter cried when I had to go back to work. She came home from school one day and said, "Mommy, I love it when I come home and you're here. Can't you stay at home and not work?". I'll never forget her words. It still breaks my heart to think about it and I'll cry if I think about it too long. You are giving your children a wonderful gift by being there. Money can't buy everything. So don't feel guilty. Remember that there lots of women who would love to be in your situation, but simply can't be due to economics.

**pip** · 09-03-2006, 01:08 PM

Originally Posted by Droppedonmyhead

My biggest wish in life was to be a SAHM, but it was never to be. I was a single mom who had to work full-time. It broke my heart when I was home for a month due to surgery and my daughter cried when I had to go back to work. She came home from school one day and said, "Mommy, I love it when I come home and you're here. Can't you stay at home and not work?". I'll never forget her words. It still breaks my heart to think about it and I'll cry if I think about it too long. You are giving your children a wonderful gift by being there. Money can't buy everything. So don't feel guilty. Remember that there lots of women who would love to be in your situation, but simply can't be due to economics.

**Droppedonmyhead** · 09-03-2006, 01:15 PM

Sandy. . thank you for the heart and hug. . .I was so touched, I cried when I saw it.

**jettsmom** · 09-03-2006, 07:53 PM

FIrst of all, do not feel guilty. You are in much better shape than most people. My youngest just graduated from high school. I'm still a SAHM. I keep thinking I should go out and work. We're not in as good of shape as you. Wish we were. I enjoy being home and my family enjoys me being home. If you want to be at home, then be there. Don't feel bad. Things will always work out for the best. Family is very important.