Sob sob sob

[treeluva]

So, as you may or may not know, I am getting married, and getting out of the Army. YaY!

Of course, the money situation will change, since I will not be receiving this steady income, but with my severance pay, last paycheck, and leave (vacation) days that I am selling back, and the sale of my house I currently own, all of my debts will be paid off. I will be at Zero.

My fiance, well, he is wonderful. He is everything in the world that I think a man should be.... except for when it comes to finances.

I think we are really on a different sheet of music.

He has about 20 grand just in CREDIT CARD debt, and doesnt think that is high AT ALL.

He is asking his mother to pay them all off, and we will pay her back $600 a month until it is paid. (Much better than the 1400 he pays now)

But I am scared that he will go right back into loading up those credit cards, because he didnt have to feel the strain of paying them back.

I have tried to talk to him about this, but I really think I need some suggestions on how to effectively communicate my desires to be DEBT FREE.

He is all about budgeting... its just, he doesnt see what the big deal is on putting a new computer on a credit card at 6 % when the payments are manageable. I dont see why we cant just save the money for a new computer every 3 years. (Because he is set on getting a new computer every three years for some reason.)

Any ideas?

[Tori2]

We do not use credit cards. My husband is the same way when it comes to charging. What I did was demand that once credit cards were paid off they were closed out and if he feels the need to have one it is in his name only. Can you tell I was burned in my previous marriage? I refuse to buy anything if I do not have the cash on hand.

[Laurie in Bradenton]

I'm glad to see I'm not the only one who can't get hubby to give up that one card! But I think I'm making headway because he has started asking, "Which should I use the debit card(Dave Ramsey) or the charge). I just keep telling him debit. I'm hoping he'll get the idea and give up the card but after 30 years its a hard haibit to break. Even I'm guilty of falling back. Just remember men learn different from us and if your the bill payer you see it more than he does. Just keep preaching no credit and he'll come around.

Laurie in Bradenton

[kabin63]

I also would suggest that maybe some premarital counseling in the area of finances. Statistics are high for divorce over finances. Could you get him to read anything or listen to Dave Ramsey on the radio? New computors are about $1,000 - $3,000 new, right? Show him that the $600.00 he is paying mom to pay it all off could be saved in say 5 months. you could do that about 5 months before it's time to buy a new one. Or, you could do something else. Once the MIL is paid, just keep living with in the same level, but put the money away and then when it's time to buy a new one you all ready have the money. I don't know just some ideas.

[frugalfarmwife]

Absolutely some counseling regarding debt, and one of you will need to be in charge of finances! It's taken me 15 years but my hubby is ALMOST completely money trained now, lol, makes life MUCH easier! My hubby came to me with debt collectors hot on his heels wanting money yesterday, it didn't help that his mom would make excuses for him "it's not HIS fault he was laid off" "It's not HIS fault he has CC bills/truck payments" "they should leave him alone" etc, etc. I finally just took over everything, got his check set on direct deposit, gave him a CC for gas and maybe $10 bucks every few weeks. It hasn't been an easy road but it's well worth the bumps we hit to be where we are now.

kj

[treeluva]

FFW, yeah, I told him that I wanted to manage the finances... and he about flipped. He thought I meant that he had no say so in the finances.... so we had to sit down and I had to explain to him that it NOT what I meant... but that one person had to MANAGE the money. Input from both parties is expected in purchases and saving and whatnot.

THe thing is, we both have the same financial goals..... I am just a bit more along on the frugal road than he is, I suppose.

Another big thing is that he is 39 years old... and has been single his whole life, so the only things he ever had to think about was himself. I heard it was hard to teach an old dog new tricks, lol.

I will talk to him about financial counseling, though. We can do that free through the Army Community Service Center, so it isnt like it costs money! Hey, a free "date"!

Thanks guys!

[frugalfarmwife]

Ahhh, he's also at "that" age, don't laugh!! When I hit 39 I started REALLY looking at where we were and where we wanted to be, it was a REAL eye opener! I was wanting to "settle" in, NOT move again, not make any more HUGE goals, but to get in a comfortable position so we could retire comfortably. My biggest problem was that hubby was only 35 at the time, now that he's 38 it's setting in in him and fun to watch from the other side of 40, lol!

kj

[ewokgirl]

If his mommy is willing to pay off his $20,000 in debt so that he can pay her back in much smaller amounts than he's currently paying, it makes me wonder if that has something do with why he doesn't see debt as a big deal. It sounds like his mom is a bit of an enabler. My parents would laugh me out of the house if I asked them to pay off my debt, then let me pay them back more slowly with a smaller monthly payment. First, I would never take that to my parents. Second, if I did, they'd never do it because that wouldn't teach me a thing except to go to them when I'm in over my head. Personally, I'd be very concerned if I was marrying a man whose mom was helping him like that. But that's just me.

That's great that the military offers free financial counseling! Definitely take advantage of that with him! Hopefully, the counselor can give the two of you some really good advice about joining your accounts once you're married, how and what to budget, how to save...

As for how to change his ways, well, only he can do that. Hand him a copy of a Dave Ramsey book or some other good money book, ask him to read it, then discuss it afterwards. Hopefully, he'll be willing to read it.

[PennyPinchinPam]

I suggest asking him to read Dave Ramsey's books. If he understands budgeting then that's a good thing. Look to see if there is a Financial Peace University class in your area. That will help you both start out on thr right foot. You can look for those classes on Dave's site at daveramsey.com

Best wishes!!

[Jerseygirl]

I suggest also having some sort of a premarital contract regarding this issue. If you truly cannot get him to see some sort of reality with this, and still feel the need to marry him, then still protect yourself, any card he has needs to be only in his name and have it in writing prior to the marriage that should the marriage dissolve, each would only be responsible for their own debt, otherwise you could get socked with 1/2 the debt thanks to community property laws. Do make sure you keep credit in your own name throughout, just in case.

[ironmaiden]

You need to understand why he is the way he is...

Different people don't worry about money for different reasons.
Examples:

It'll all work out in the end.
God will provide.
I work hard, therefore I deserve...
We had nothing as a kid, I felt deprived, never again.
I can afford a $10 lunch, so why shouldn't I.


I suggest reading Your Money or Your Life. It makes you feel empowered, not deprived.

[treeluva]

OK, we sat down and really had an open discussion about this......

Thank you all for your input. I appreciate it greatly.

I let him know my concerns, which did include the fact that he would run up the cards again because he didnt have to work to pay it off, his attitude of if I want it, I am going to get it, and how he balked at one person managing the money, (Namely, ME!)

During this discussion, he admitted that he had been living beyond his means, and that he was doing it because who else did he have to worry about but himself? I asked him if he was living beyond his means to fill a void, and he said probably.

About asking his mother to pay off his bills, and him paying her back, (which she has not agreed to at this point. She said she really has to think about that, and she wants to see all of his debts and statements and whatnot) it was not alleviate his responsibility, but to start a life with me, without the debt, because it *really* bothers me.

He also said that he knows that I am better with money than him, and that I will manage the money. He only asks that he does get "blow" money, and that we make financial decisions together.

So then we discussed money mangement, budgeting, and how much "blow" money each person should get. We also sat down and wrote out two different budgets, one without his debts, and one with his debts.

He has agreed to go to financial counseling, and he even started reading "Automatic Millionaire" and we are going to the library to get some Dave Ramsey Books.

THe end result? We love each other, and we do not want money to stagnant our relationship. Since I look over the budget and incoming and outgoing amounts on a daily basis, we decided to also make a financial binder, where he could look at everything whenever he wanted.

(One of his concerns, is seeing with his past friends and our friends, how some of the wives spend money and "hide" it from their husbands, or how the husbands have no say so in how the money is spent.)

[Valerie in WA]

Wow! It sounds like you had a great 'meeting'. I'm glad he's willing to work on things. And I'm glad you're communicating with each other.

[kabin63]

That's awesome! That is a positive and the fact that mom is only thinking about it doesn't mean she actually will. I think it's great he is willing to work at it.

[ama]

My dh and I have some of the same struggles as you do. He's gotten better over the years but he came to me with some HIGH c.c. debts after which he and his 1st wife just "walked away" from it all when they split. His credit score is finally up to around 700 with no baddies and he sees the improvements I've done and basiclly leaves it all up to me. I think most relationships have the good cop/bad cop. One's a spender ones' a saver but you guys can do quite well as long as he remembers debt is not the route to peace!