Trying to get DH to understand

**nuisance26** · 10-17-2006, 10:15 AM

~Last Friday DH came home from work with a small bag of things he'd gotten at the mall. He spent $65 on a dvd set, a dvd and a cd. He was excited that he'd be getting a $7 rebate on one of the dvds. Sounds good so far, right? So I asked him if he spent his money(his pocket money) on this stuff and he suggested that I put it under gifts or something. So for the billionth time I had to explain to him,calmly

, that we don't have the money for stuff, period. I got out the financial binder and pulled out all the bills we have yet to pay this month and a calculator. He watched as I dwindled $4100 in our checking account to $850 after the bills are paid. I think it made an impression because he said that he had deposited $3000 into the account this week and it made him feel like he could spend something. Amazing. Do they ever stop thinking like bachelors? I'm not trying to tell him what to buy or not buy, but it's HIS goal to have more space and that's what we're saving for. The good news is that later this month we get another paycheck and an expense reimbursement check so I'm hoping to still get $500 in our fund. It's a bummer being the heavy. ~

**FrugalMomof3** · 10-17-2006, 10:19 AM

I totally know how you feel, I am there alot... hubby knows we dont have the money to buy the things he wants so he puts it on "his" credit card with him thinking "When income tax comes we'll pay it in full") That's not the point, the point is when are we going to stop thinking like that? Why couldn't he just wait till income tax money comes in THEN buy it?

Sometimes I feel bad because he works, I dont, so he does deserve to buy himself things but he knows we are a paycheck to paycheck family and we can't afford luxuries or wants right now but he just doesnt get it at all.

**Laurie in Bradenton** · 10-17-2006, 10:21 AM

don't feel alone in that rubber raft! We're all in there with you in some shape or form.
For me its trying to get DH to cut out on the Pepsi and cigerettes. He leaves here every morning and first stop is up the street at the store for a pepsi and a pack of cigs. Can I get him to take a soda from home!!!! No!!! He's got to stop. I've just about given up, this has been going on for 15 years now and I'm about fought out.

Laurie in BRadenton

**Valerie in WA** · 10-17-2006, 11:10 AM

I think your dh will come around. Two points: HE wants to save money and he's LISTENING to your explanations.

I've found men to be extremely immature. It just takes time.

**lottaLove** · 10-17-2006, 11:42 AM

I agree that we all have problems like that in some form or another. For my DH it's his Thursday night pitcher of beer with the guys. (a pitcher here runs for 10.50) I tried explaining to him that hes spending over $500 a year just for this, but to no avail.

Boys will be boys, and men will be men I guess.

**suzysaver** · 10-17-2006, 11:53 AM

Boys will be boys and they sure love their toys.
We went threw this for years and I always did the bills, my husband really didn't have a clue....and if I told him no he couldn't have something he threw a fit, just like a child. I would feel bad and eventually give in, not anymore.
One day I was fed up of worrying about it, while he was sleeping just fine.
I sat down with him and showed him how much cc debit there was. I also showed him a breakdown of how much was left and how all those little things add up. He was shocked and really had no idea. Over the last 6 months or so he has really come around, he understands we can't buy all the latest electronic gadgets and games. He plans to quit smoking this next week, He has a hard time paying $5.50 a pack....when he get $50.00 a week. If he has to borrow from me (the banker) he is charged 100% interest, he owes me $185 from his christmas bonus. I really think he is starting to understand it. I also have realized you don't always need to tell them how much you have in savings or squirreled away in a can, if they now it's there they will think of a way to spend it.

**Start-Living** · 10-17-2006, 01:03 PM

I understand what you ladies are going through.
My BF is so much like your DH.

I don't work, and plan on being a stay at home mom. He works extremely hard and I do feel guilty at times, not letting him buy what he wants. He ask me before buying anything that cost over $20, and don't throw a fit when I told him "NO, Can't afford it".

But he's so bad with his spending money. He gets $20 a week to buy lunch & snack & what-ever at work. He always buy a soda & snacks every day at work, we have tons of sodas & snacks at home. I told him if he would bring a soda from home everyday, he would save himself $5 a week & if he brings snacks he would save another $5 a week, but he just doesn't get it. Or maybe just too lazy to bring one from home. (he does bring his lunch about 3 times a week, but just doesn't bring the snack & drink)

I don't want to make a big deal out of this either, because that's his $20 to spend on what he wants (and he doesn't say a thing about how I spend my spending money, I could spend $20 on a piece of gum and he won't care)....but still.....he could save that money.....
Other than this, he's great with helping me getting out of debt...

**Shellshome** · 10-17-2006, 01:22 PM

My dh and I went thru this and still do. But we are getting better I think it really took me sitting down and telling him this is what we have and this is what goes out each and every month. I think it might have been a little bit of a shocker for him. But we are getting so much better at it.

He gets $100 for 2 weeks but that is for gas, beer, and anything else that he does and if he has leftover he uses it for his stash as he calls it. Now that I am working I will be able to have my own stash money and it is great.

We are getting better but once I start bringing in a pay check it will be even better my goal is to catch all bills up and start a EF for $1000 right away. I think that those are goals we can reach. Then we want to start a remodeling fund (we are doing the work ourselves so that is great and saves lots of money) and we want to start a vacation fund for next fall since I won't get my vacation until Novemeber we will do something then.

I think you just need to sit down and show him everything and say this is what we have going out each month and this is what is coming in and we don't have the extra funds for the extras that you want maybe after awhile we will but right now we don't.

I think men just don't get it unless it is laid out right in front of them. Good luck thou!

**PAVallygrl** · 10-17-2006, 02:44 PM

What was that old saying?

Men are exactly like little boys - the only difference is the PRICE of their toys!

**ironmaiden** · 10-17-2006, 04:30 PM

Have him read Your Money or Your Life. It makes you feel cool by saving money instead of a loser.

I'd slide in that snack into his lunch for him

**guest32** · 10-17-2006, 06:11 PM

Sitting here counting my blessing...my dh is nothing like that. Maybe it's just the habit we are into...but we (he or I ) never stop and buy sodas, or *stuff*....maybe coffee if we are together. He takes his lunch every day and never complains....about anything. The man is a treasure.

**Telephus44** · 10-17-2006, 07:42 PM

It took a long time for my DH to come around, but he did eventually. We didn't merge our money until after we'd been married two years, and he credits me with setting a good example with my money.

Mind you, there are still things that he does that drive me crazy - but it's no longer getting in the way of our savings goals. Like he spent a couple thousand dollars on equipment to start up his radio station, but he's also putting in a lot of work at a consulting gig to pay it off by the end of next month. But we're still putting away money every month for a house, retirement, savings - and all of the bill are always paid.

**spyzvixxen** · 10-17-2006, 08:20 PM

Hi all. I totally feel your pain!!! I go through the same thing every month...DVD's..computer equipment...clothing....etc. I've been living with my BF for almost 3 years now, 2 of which was in an apartment. Long story short, after my BF lost his job, we fixed up & moved into my parent's basement for 1/2 the rent of the old place. He is working again and we are saving in certain ways but been inconvenienced in others (shared kitchen & bathroom). I have learned to feed 6 people a home cooked meal for what it would cost for 1 meal at the diner (my family eats a lot of diner/fast food). Anyway, the whole plan was to save up money but so far, I haven't a dime to my name and BF doesn't understand why. We have separate accounts, so I don't really know what he has squirreled away.

Even though I make the same salary as him, I try to tell him that I dont have any savings because I buy all the little things men dont think about....food/toiletries/household tems and I have cc debt from the apt. days & a car payment. He, on the other hand, squirrels his money away and makes the big purchase (I think it's an ego boost He is a man of convenience and of quality....who the heck needs $78 jeans and $40 shirts anyway?? Why, cause of the brand name? I had to talk him out of a $2400 computer not too long ago...I said either it's the computer or savings for a house down payment/baby fund. I think he finally got the picture, but still isn't making any effort. Im beginning to think you can't teach an old dog new tricks.....any suggestions?

**Goodwin17** · 10-18-2006, 12:03 AM

It sounds like a lot of us are in the same boat on this one. Dh does this occasionally, and then tries to say he hasn't spent anything on himself lately. He did this Sunday night on our anniversary. I could have strangled him! He comes in the living room from the office, and tells me he just bought a football jersey off the internet. Then he tells me it cost $97!!! I could have died right there. I tried to explain that the only article of clothing I've ever spent that much on was my wedding dress. It's just a shirt!! He is also a shoe lover.

**chatterweb** · 10-18-2006, 01:48 AM

Men are exactly like little boys - the only difference is the PRICE of their toys!

At least mine is!

My Dh is GREAT about not using his credit card or cashing those stupid 40K plus checks we get in the mail from the Mortgage Co or...

But, he still wants a boat, wants a Harley, wants to buy 10 acrres of land etc...