Our first small MONEY argument

**Start-Living** · 10-23-2006, 03:48 PM

Me and BF had our first small argument about money this past weekend.
Here's my story:
I don't work, he does and his money goes to paying all the bills.
We used to spend like crazy, and have discover FRUGAL a few months ago when we got pregnant.
He loves cars (all cars...junk-cars...new-cars...any-cars), and for the past 5 years we always own at least 4 cars

When we got pregnant, he understands that we need to stop spending like crazy and change our spending habits. We have been doing so good at paying down debt and not spending on wants and even build up a small EF fund. I do all the bill paying, and he only spend what I let him...and he seems very happy that we're making such good progress on our finance....

Until...I sold one of his car....and hell break loose...

I did discuss it with him, he said that we need the money so I can go ahead and sell one of his car. Secrectly he don't want me to sell any of his cars, but he have no choice since we both agree to work together to get out of debt soon.
I tried to give him updates on our finance, he said he don't want to talk/hear about it. (which gets me

) Then he start the argument by saying that why do I need the money so bad, and make life Not fun anymore. He rather be happy now while he's alive, then die with a bunch of money in the saving. (that really get me angry). Still, calmly...I told him that I'm saving, being frugal, and sold his car to pay-off debt, because I want the best for US...not because I want him to be miserable. Also, I want to live for a long time without worrying about debt etc., and YES die with money...rather than stressing out about money for the rest of my life and die with a huge debt and tons of junk cars. (We knew things was going to get worse if we keep this up, so we stop talking to each other, until we're calm)

Later that night, when we both are calm, I told him about our finance situation and why I sold his car...and we do need the money (especially with a new baby on the way very soon). Also, we spend way too much this month ( fixing-cars, diapers & other things getting ready for new baby, birthday gifts, and some tools he need for his work) We overspend $800 more than I budget this month ( half of this came from our emergency fund) . So I told him that we're going to be short $400 on the bills next month, but with the money we got from his car I sold, we should be okay and won't have to use the EF fund. He FREAK-OUT. Ask me how and why we're short $400 for next month's bills....for some reason, he thinks that we have money as long as it says we have money at the bank....(he's so clueless about our money, eventhough I keep him update on our finance weekly)

(I pay our bills at the beginning of every month, and save $$$ the rest of the month to pay for the next month's bills) So after the first 2 weeks of every month, we have a lot of money in the bank....but that money will be use for paying next month's bills.....(I explain this to him already, but he thinks we have all kinds of money because there's money at the bank)

Anwyays, to make story short, he finally understand that I sold his precious car because we really do need the money otherwise we would need to take out ALL of our EF fund to be able to pay our bills next month. Plus, he have way too many cars...He agrees that we really do need to be more frugal than we already are.
So...we're happy again...and working as a team again.....(or at least until I sell more of his other cars, and I have a feeling he will throw a fit everytime I sell one of his car) eventhough he knows it's for the best, he will still throw a fit just because he loves his cars.... (I'm thinking about selling 1 more of his car (all of our cars are paid for, except for 1)
To him, his cars meant more than money....but to me, I hate his cars & our debts, and rather sell them to pay off debt....Am I wrong for selling his car that meant something to him?
(note: ALL cars that he owns meant something to him, it doesn't matter if he owns it for 1 minute or for 10 years, and he always have tons of cars, we currently still have 4 cars that meant the world to him)
If your DH, BF or Partner have somethings that meant so much to them, would you let them keep it or would you sell it to get out of debt sooner?

In other word, what would you have done if you were me, and will you consider selling more of his cars if you're me?

I'm not sure if I'm being too COLD by selling his things that meant so much to him. (I didn't sell his car to be mean, but only to help us get out of debt sooner).

I have things that meant alot to me, and he never even mention about selling any of my things (jewelry, and my small collectible collection). Am I wrong for selling his things?

**Telephus44** · 10-23-2006, 04:51 PM

Just a few thoughts...

First, this reminds me of a "Can This Marraige Be Saved?" type column I read in Redbook this year - a woman who's husband had a big fascination with cars and spending tons of money on them, but not putting away any money for the future or helping her get ready for the baby they were expecting.

Can't find the original article, but here's the link to the follow-up:

http://hotandbothered.redbook.ivilla...rfollowup.html

Secondly, I know that you asked him if it was ok to sell one of his cars and he said yes, but did you discuss which car? It might have been easier for him to let the car go if he had a choice in picking out which car it was (maybe he could have taken it for one last drive or whatever)

Thirdly, and I know that this isn't true for all men - but my DH has become a lot more future minded since our son was born. When he was younger (before we were married) he had the same ideas about have fun now, who wants to die with money in the bank? After we got married het got a lot better once we had a joint money goal - buying a house (still haven't gotten to the point where we're ready to do that, but working on it). Now that our son is here, he's a lot more focused on providing for his family. For example, he needs a new vehicle - he had been considering another SUV, but now that I'm going to be staying at home for at least a year, he's considering a small compact car and buying a Saturn because he can get his father's employee discount on it. That's about 8K less than the SUV he was looking at. But he knows that we're going to have to handle mostly everything on his paycheck. And this behaviour has really taken off since our son was born.

**Start-Living** · 10-23-2006, 05:12 PM

As for the car, he was away for the weekend and I sold it while he was away.
He came home, and the car was gone... (but I call him, and have discuss this with him first, before selling the car)
He knew which car I was selling, but I guess he was having a hard time letting it go.
BF usually is very understanding about a lot of things and he always willing to talk about anything (including our finance).

But I guess he was hurt and having a hard time letting go of his car. That's why he threw a fit that day. He seems pretty happy and his normal self today so hopefully he's over-it now.

**FrugalWitch** · 10-24-2006, 11:41 AM

I'm confused. How can you legally sell a BF's car without his signature on the bill of sale? I'm not sure of the legalities of the situation. Even with married couples I was under the impression that the owner of the vehicle is the one who has to sign the bill of sale.

FrugalWitch

**Start-Living** · 10-24-2006, 11:51 AM

The car Title have both of our names on it.
We have both of our names on all of our cars, because I'm the one that does all the paper work etc. at the DMV... so it makes it easier because I can do all the paper-work stuff without having him being there (he's very busy).

He have already signed the title, the only thing that we need left was my signature, that's how I'm able to sell the car when he's not around.

**Start-Living** · 10-24-2006, 11:53 AM

OH...in Indiana, we don't need a bill-of-sale.
Just the title. You just sign the title, and give it to the buyer along with the car. that's all. NO need for bill of sale.

**FrugalMomof3** · 10-24-2006, 11:57 AM

Maybe he got angry of the fact that you sold the car when he wasn't around, maybe making him think that you were being "sneaky" and selling the car and keeping the money for you. That is not what I think but men seem to think woman do things for themselves especially when it deals with selling something that he values.

Next time make sure you sell a car when he's there, he might make a sad face but by him being there it will ease the anger as well.

**Start-Living** · 10-24-2006, 12:15 PM

I don't know why he would think I'm being sneaky and trying to keep the money to myself.
I'm the one that handle all his money and everything else in his life.
He gets an allowance ($20 a week for luch & snacks), and he never complains on what I spend our money on.
(We do it this way, because he's not as good with money as I am, and he hates handling money)

That's a very good point.
I think that him not being there when his car was sold might have something to do with him being mad. Eventhough I talk to him on the phone before the transaction, I guess it didn't hit him until he got home and his car is gone.

**Kisobel** · 10-25-2006, 02:00 AM

i just want to ask a couple questions. first, you mentioned you have a collectible collection. i want to know if you are still buying for it or are being frugal. next, i listen to dave ramsey and he mentions going nuts on the debt. sell everything. so i wonder if you could make a sacrifice on jewlrey or collectibles. just to show him that you both are sacrificing things that hurt.

just my two cents

**Start-Living** · 10-25-2006, 04:17 PM

That's a very good point.
We no longer buy "WANTS" (We both used to spend $$$ like crazy, but since we're pregnant, we both stop spending on "wants", and only buy what we "need" such as food, gas, and pay bills)
I occasionally (about once a week) will spend $1 to $3 as "splurge" on myself at the gas-station and or at goodwill.

But your comments does get me thinking, if he does want me to sell my jewelry & collection, I would do it, but wouldn't be happy about it.

Thanks for the advice: I'm going to do it ~ I will start selling my jewelry on ebay, I will start with the ones I don't like as much...and go from there... We do need to get out of debt ASAP. Also, I think this will show him that we're on this together and maybe he won't be as disapointed next time when we sell his next car.

**ewokgirl** · 10-25-2006, 04:59 PM

Personally, I see a huge difference between jewelry and superfluous cars. Jewelry sits in a small box when not being worn, and it doesn't cost you anything to maintain (except the very occasional new clasp, repair, or watch battery). A car takes up a huge amount of storage space, has to have insurance, yearly inspections, gas... That's a lot of money running away from you.

I'm not saying that you should not sell your jewelry. If that's what the two of you agree needs to be done, then by all means, do so. I just think it's comparing apples to oranges. You're not losing money by already owning your jewelry as you are with those cars.

**jenloveschip2001** · 10-25-2006, 05:37 PM

I don't know why men have such an attachment to anything that has a motor. My husband has two trucks and three riding lawn mowers. We have had a few arguments over me wanting to sell them. It is sensless to pay full coverage insurance on a vehicle that sits in the garage all week and only gets drove two or three times a month. We have a little Nissan pickup truck (we call it the beater truck) that he drives back and forth to work because it's cheap on gas and then we have A Chevy half ton pickup truck.We call it old blue. Then I have a minivan. I don't say anything about selling old blue or his lawn mowers unless we are really in a tight spot and then he usually will tell me he will do an odd job to make some extra money so he doesn't have to sell the truck. He is a very good provider and has never questioned anything that I have bought so I always try to find away around selling them but he would if we had no other option. I do like knowing though that if the nissan breaks down that he has old blue to drive to work so I can still have my van to drive because if we didn't have old blue he would have drive my van. Also old blue does go better in the snow in the winter to because it is a 4x4. Maybe suggest him selling two more of the cars and putting half of the money into a car account and put a little back when you get extra and when all your debts are paid he can use it to buy back one car that he really likes. His priorities will change when that beautiful baby gets here. Wishing you the best.
Jennifer