Here we go again:( (long vent)

[littlemotherhaywood]

I think I'm just going to lose it. There is nothing quite like getting up at six in the morning to discuss financial chaos. Either I'm a fool or my dh's an idiot or both. He gets a small check from SW tomorrow in the mail after the bank closes so we'll only be able to access $100 of it. Then he gets paid on the 30th from the school. It's been his dream his entire life to get paid twice a month instead of biweekly In any case, he insisted AJ's flannel shirt isn't blue enough for his costume. WTF. He wants to buy him a new one. Umm, not gonna happen. Blue is blue period. Then he said he needs some more turtlenecks. Seeing as how he only has two and he rides his bike to work everyday I can't disagree. He thinks he needs them tonight and wants to take $100 out of the lockbox (ie what I thought we agreed would be the emergency fund) to buy them and then replace the money when he gets paid. I flipped out. I really did. I said that needing new shirts does not constitute an emergency anymore than AJ's shirt not being blue enough. Then he went off about how he had said that any money he got from painting wasn't going to be used for an EF. Then I just laid it out for him.

I told him he was being selfish and immature and he needed to face up to responsibility. I have never taken all of the income I earned from anything (side job or otherwise) and said I won't contribute it to the needs of the family and when I pointed that out he got all huffy and said that he never said he wasn't going to contribute it to the family. Umm, did I miss something here? Isn't that what you just said? I said no, you just decided that a big screen tv is more important than an EF. I rambled on and on about all of the different types of emergencies we could have and need that money for. Of course he just sat there and said nothing. Then he said that $400 was nowhere near enough to buy a tv. I said no, but a bigscreen tv is about as much as an baby EF. Hmmm! I'm so proud that I didn't yell or deck him with a pan. You should never argue in the kitchen. It's just too tempting. Then he brought up the extra money he was going to get at the end of Nov. from his night classes and suggested using that for the EF. First of all, that money was already earmarked for something else. Secondly, I pointed out that the money would never get put in the bank. I know him. There's no way he could just take that much money and not have any for himself. I got really huffy myself (probably not the best way to present) and told him he could keep all of his money from painting and do whatever but he wasn't getting a dime from his checks for anything then. If he wants to buy new shirts, he can pay for them himself with "his" money.

I told him I wanted to go to counseling and he needed to pick a day so I'm going to make the appt for probably the week after next since he's already scheduled to work next week. I know it's important, but it sucks at the same time. We'll have to pay a sitter $20 and we'll lose $33 in income just for that day. At this point, I'm not all that sure counseling can fix all of this. He has so much growing up to do. He's mad because he's working so hard, but he won't work with me so he doesn't have to. If he would give me that money we would be so much further ahead. I am so angry at him for being such a child. It's not like our childhoods even compare. The only thing we have in common is that our mother's were both addicts to one substance or another and they were poor money managers. He still had most of the things he wanted growing up. I had very few things and wore hand me downs and ran the house on my own from the time I was eleven when my mother decided I was responsible enough to raise my two toddler/infant siblings. Good grief! I've had to scrimp and scrounge my whole life. I have three pairs of pants that fit. He has at least fifteen. He always points out that he needs them for work. Okay, what about the fifteen pairs we freecycled last spring. The twenty polo shirts and long sleeve shirts and it didn't even put a dent in his wardrobe. I might spend $20 on an entire outfit if it's brandnew. He'll spend that on just a shirt. Ironically, his favorite pair of pants is a pair I got him for $3 on a clearance rack which is the only rack I shop. I have to do laundry every three or four days to make sure I have something to wear that's still in decent condition. His solution....he would just tell me to go out and buy new clothes. It's just not that simple. Oooh, now I'm REALLY mad.

I was so excited about my job. I know that the money may or may not be consistent, but I was excited that I was going to contribute to our becoming debt free and building up a nice savings so we can feel safe. The idea's not nearly enticing when I have to realize that it's a goal that's only mine. That it's going to be an uphill battle against my dh. I don't think I can do it. If he would come onboard, I think he would be amazed at what we can do, but I just don't know what more I can do to make him see that. I feel so helpless in this situation. We sold my car last spring so we only have one car in his name. He's the one who's always worked. I have no money whatsoever. If my marriage broke up tomorrow I would be stranded and penniless and that's a very scary place to be. I just don't know if I can give my entire life to a man that isn't on the same page with me. We cannot work against each other and accomplish financial freedom. Not when he's envisioning all of the things he's going to do with the "extra" money. If he's not working for the family, who's he working for. I don't want a vacation with money he's not willing to share for our home. I don't want a big screen tv. I don't want the xbox 360. I don't need those things.

In the end, I guess I'm sad. This could be so much easier than he's making it. I'm so tired of being the only grown-up in the house. I know he's tired of working hard, so why is he working against me. I told him to quit the other jobs if he's not willing to give the money to the household. There's no point in working the extra jobs then. This whole situation makes me think I need to work really smart. I need to prepare for the possibility of being the only provider.

If you've read this far (and I know most of you will) I appreciate it. I don't have a solution, but I feel better getting this all off of my chest.

[lanford66]

I've been keeping up with what you've been saying and really feel for you. I can't say I understand why your dh doesn't "get" it especially when he knows what he's doing is hurting/stressing you out completely. Is there any way that you can make the bills w/o that "extra" from him and make it entirely on his regular pay? That way at least you won't have to be so stressed w/him on the "extra" money he makes.

[littlemotherhaywood]

Yes, we'll be able to pay everything with just his paycheck from the school, but he's going to have two months in the summer where he won't have that income and I need to be able to save for that and without his help, I can't do that. Thanks

[Shellshome]

I am so sorry that this is not coming out the way you want it to. I guess my thing is if you are working (I missed that part so congratulations!! on that) then you got a job because you need the money not for him to go out and blow it as extra money.

Have you sat down and wrote out all your bills due and past due for a month and show him your guys income verus monthly bills? Dh and I did this just the other night and we are amazed at what my little income a month can help us do we can be debt free by the end of the year and that is only 2 months. I know for you guys it would take longer from what you have said. But maybe he just needs to see the numbers on paper to really get it. My dh did at 1st I think he thought all this extra money a month was going to be extra and after the 1st of the year it kind will be. But we are not going to treat it that way. We need to have a back up fund just like anyone else because you never know what can happen. Like my car needs fixed to the tune of $600 if I hadn't taken this job we would have to borrow money from my parents or his to pay for it.

I think you have done what you can and I don't really know what else you can do to make it work. Has he agreed to goto consueling? I don't know why men (and I am not saying I don't do this to) need blow money just because they have a little extra. We have a new rule in this house Dh gets $120 for 2 weeks but that includes gas, anything he wants to buy, and beer I get $75 that included anything I need, gas and if I need to run to the store because I forgot something but any money that we have left after that 2 weeks we get to keep as a stash money for something we might really really want so that makes you save that money and not want to spend it thru the week except on things you need like gas and such.

I am sorry that you seem to really be trying but are not getting any help it is sad really because there are kids involved.

I also don't see the point in needing new clothes if he has tons as you say in his closet. I would tell him that if he needs clothes take the money out of your blow money and buy them I am sure he would change his mind then.

Again I am sorry you are trying and not getting any help it is hard I have been there with dh and it is so much easier now that we are on board together with this and working toward a commen goal.

Good luck with your new job and everything else.

[nuisance26]

~First of all because I know you're frustrated. He sounds to me like the worst outcome of overcompensating poor or disadvataged kids into a normal appearance. They become adults that continue to block out the bad times by keeping up appearances. I think of this worst-case scenario every time I see news stories about buying Christmas gifts for "poor" kids. You had it rougher as a child, but look how it shaped you and matured you! He does sound like he NEEDS counseling. But I want to encourage you to be patient even if he never changes. Emotional disability is a disability. And in his case there is hope for recovery. I hope counseling and continued conversation bring some hope and progress your way!~

[MTS04]

It's a tough spot to be in. I hope he grows up.

[Scattymum]

sending you lots of your DH sounds a bit like mine sometimes although we are finally getting on the same page. he will be getting a bonus at christmas and has already spent it in his head. *roll eyes* I have that money earmarked for the EF and paying down debt!

[lanford66]

I think it must be a "man" thing because my husband is the same way. I keep a stash of cash in a kitty container & it seems go come up missing cash everytime I go in there even though he gets pay money every week. Not sure what he does with it because all he does it go home & work. We got $60from his parents to help pay for our son's birthday present & I put it in thekitty to pay bill when it came as it was on company credit with dh's work. Our son is going to high school/college and trying to get Associates Degree in welding & the only thing he asked for was an auto-darkening face shield for his 18th birthday. I put the $60 in kitty for when bill came in & went to pay bill last night & only $20 was left. Asked dh where other went & he remembered getting in there, but couldn't recall what for! I about had a stroke since that meant I had to come up with $130 instead of $65. It's like that all the time. I'll put in whatever $$$ I have left over week and every time I go in there, it's all but gone! He's on board with me to help pay down our debt, but he still likes to spend. It's like sometimes they DO get it, but when the extra $$ is there, the thoughts just fly out the window.

[emily_hope]

Did you and your DH decide on a set amount each week for 'blow money'? Maybe he just needs to know that he can have some to do what he wants to with. I know it wouldn't be easy, but maybe for now you can work on the EF on your own and after awhile when he sees it growing, maybe he will come on board. All I can really give you right now is (((HUG))). Try not to get so stressed out. Sometimes we have to let it go and just do what we feel to be right on our own.

[Start-Living]

to you.

I think some people just don't get it...no matter how many times you explain/complains/yell/talk/say to them on the same thing.

What works for us is BF get a small $20 allowance a week to spend on lunch/snacks...what-ever. (He still spend this money stupidly) and it still bugs me at times on how he spend his "spending money". But at least he have some $$$ to spend stupidly like how he wants to, and he don't spend any of our bills/EF money on himself.

Maybe, you two can set your DH on a set-amount "spending money", and what-ever he wants, he will have to save that spending money to buy it. So this way, he knows he only get so & so amount, and can not take out anymore. All other money goes into bills and EF or what-ever your goals are.

Seems like you tried and tried....sometimes it takes many tries, and sometimes they just don't get-it.

Wish you the best of luck ~ make sure to keep us update......and don't keep it all to yourself....we're all here for you

[Telephus44]

This is one of those times when I wish we could just pull out the magic wand - but we can't. Sending thoughts and prayers your way.

[Katybird]

The ladies have given you great advice. I don't have anything to add but wanted to send a big .

[babetteq]

I can sure hear the frustration. When you said that you grew up scrimping and saving and taking care of the household, it sounds like you are replaying that scenario in your marriage. Nothing can push your buttons like that! IT means that your coversations about money aren't really about money as much as they are about love, security, freedom, on both your parts. This makes working it out very hard. I applaud you on the counselling to assist in working it through. Sometimes a neutral third party can stop it from getting too emotionally heavy.

There is a level of unfairness that your story has. You having 3 pairs of pant and him having 15 is unfair. REGARDLESS of work. For work you need 5 tops. Then you do the laundry. No one needs 3 weeks worth of clothing before laundry day...to say 'well *I* have to work, so *I* need them" is selfish and unfair. Fact is, you both need clothes, not just for work (look me in the eye when you tell me that if he lost his job, he'd sell his clothes off!), but to feel good about yourself, to maintain an image (people treat you how you present), and to get through a variety of weather, situations etc.

Does he agree with any of your point of view? Does he agree that debt needs to be paid down, emergency funds need to be set up, savings for XXXX? If he agrees with any of it, then a budget needs to be drawn up, that includes, for *his* emotional reasons, money to blow, and for *your* emotional reasons, money to save.

Good luck. I hope things work out.
-babs

[jenloveschip2001]

Since he doesn't want to get on board, maybe you should think about having seperate finances. Pay all the bills and whatever is left over split 50/50you could use some of you half to have your own ef. Then if you wanted to maybe you could save enough to buy your own car so if you decided to work full time you would have a car. I would put it in an account that just had your name on it that he could not touch. When his car tears up or he has something come up it comes out of him money not yours. When he sees you by a car or something you had been wanting and he is broke maybe he will think man I wish I had let her do the money an maybe I would have had that tv by now. Also if something ever did happen to your marriage you would have something to fall back on. Even if it isn't much. Just a thought. Hang in there eveything will workout.
jennifer

[suzysaver]

I wish you so much luck with the counseling. Just when it sounded like you were making progress with him, he turns into that child again. You need to prepare for your future with or without him. I'm just really worried that after you do file for bankrupcy he will still continue in his old ways and you will be left with more mess to clean up. I hope he gets it threw his thick head very soon, the seperate finances sounds like a great idea. Good luck to you sweetie and lots of hugs coming your way.