why does it matter if I work or not or how many kids we have??

**Sheila Q** · 11-02-2006, 06:39 PM

Hi,

Ugh I am so darn mad

It seems people like to give their *thoughts* about the fact that I don't work. I have worked on and off over the years. My dh's income has allowed me that flexibility. People seem to have a problem with it.

Sure we don't have any children. I stopped working all together when I had my ectopic pregnancy 7 yrs ago. I worked once for 7 months in that time frame. Now we are expecting our little girl from China and people can't understand why I work when I don't have a little one(s)to attend to.

Why do people think bc you don't work your a zero. I am busy all the time even without children. We have pets and I have a gazillion errands to run etc etc. I don't sit here and do NOTHING.

Then I think I want more than one child our original goal was one bio/one adopted. We have decided to complete our family with adoption. To us there is no difference. I made a mention maybe it would be nice to adopt three. And all from China and people look at me like I am crazy.

I have gotten the "well you will be old when you get your third" to "why on earth would you want three when a family of four is ideal".

These people flame my behind. All I ever dreamed of was being a wife and mom. Why is my dream so bad to want? I had gotten pg when I wanted and that became a fight for my life and now my life long dream of adopting is about to come true and after the heartache of losing my baby I have something to look forward to. I am off age wise with when I wanted my children but it also gave us a chance to have something we were able to buy a bigger house better cars that type of thing. Why bc I am OLD should I not be entitled to having as many kids as I want?

I am having a really off day and this remark is made to me alot today again it was said to me. One of my cousins thinks I am spoiled and my "ass should be out working" seeing as though I am childless.

How do I deal with this? I am gonna explode if I don't get left alone. Even my therapist thinks working is good when you don't have children.

Sorry for the rant I just needed to get that out.............

**kabin63** · 11-02-2006, 07:00 PM

I don't really see where it's anyone else's business. Forget, if you can, what others think about it. It's you that is living your life, not them. Not all women want to go out into the world and have a career. I, like you, had my dream of just being a wife and mom or homemaker. I hate the "career" world. It's not that I have never worked or anything, it's just that I like being home more. I have the freedom to be here for my DD whenever she needs me, and to help my neighbors when they need it. I can be around for my mom and my MIL should they need me. I don't want to go someplace where they tell me when and where and how I can do anything. I can't handle that kind of stress anymore. Ooops! Sorry, not trying to hijack or anything, I just understand about being at home and others not understanding it.
As long as you and Dh are happy this way, who cares what others say or think?
Oh, and congratulations on your impending adoption.
As for how to handle it? Smile. And don't say anything, just smile. They need nothing more than that. It'll make them stop and think too.

**Nada.Leona** · 11-02-2006, 07:28 PM

Hmmm... how can one put this in the most politically correct, polite way? Hmmmmm... how about, "Screw 'em"? Yeah that sounds about right.

I could care less what my friends and family think of me. As long as my mom, my brother, my step-father and

love me, the rest of the world can go sit on a pin. I don't think I really want children -- if one happened, I would love it and take care of it, but to actually plan to have babies.... no, that never really fit into my plan for life. And you know what? That's just fine with me, I don't feel like I'll be missing out on anything.

You don't want to work? Don't work! Do you think Amy Dacyczyn freaked out at the thought of being retired before she was 40? That's what she wanted, so that's what she did. Men in the military retire as early as 45. You are doing a very important job -- you are taking care of your home, yourself and your husband, and that is a vital part of your life. These people that gripe about you not working -- are their homes as clean? Are their finances as organized? Are they constantly bickering with their spouses? People are just jealous of you and all the privilages you have at your fingertips. I for one salute you and wish I could be like you! Don't waste time thinking about these narrow-minded green-with-envy bigmouths.

So what if you're going to be older than some of the other mothers at the park? Do you think Madonna fretted when she decided to get pregnant at fourty? Age is such a stupid thing to fret about (as I reach my third major milestone of turning 25) -- it's the number of years you have been alive. Big deal! I doubt very seriously Jesus sat around a campfire with the Apostles and said, "Wow. I'm gonna be 36, dudes."

I doubt that the senior triathletes, the child prodigies, the retired volunteers or anyone else doing things "outside their age bracket" are really letting their ages stop them from doing what they want. Betty Paige, one of the sexiest models of time, was in her thirties when she started her modelling career, and by that time most models were washed up!

Tell them to mind their own bloody business and get on with their lives. 95% of the world's population are either thinking of getting a job or getting out of a job. Tell them to focus on their own lives and leave yours alone.

**yankeegal** · 11-02-2006, 07:43 PM

I agree with these wise frugalites...it is no one's business. You do what is best for you. Some people need to get a life.

**bumplett** · 11-02-2006, 08:07 PM

I agree with all above statements -

**Cricket1** · 11-02-2006, 08:07 PM

Trust me on this--be thankful for these comments. They're letting you build a thick skin as to what people think. You'll get all kinds of weird and very personal questions when people find out that your child was adopted.

The questions and comments are good practice. Say it with me: "That's none of your business!" or "That's personal information."

**monkeywrangler71** · 11-02-2006, 08:15 PM

I'm assuming that the (35) after your name is your age - if so, you are far from OLD. Everyone that I know in their mid-thirties has only started having children in the past 3 years. My brother & sil are working on their second international adoption, and they are 38 - and the above poster is right, you will get a lot of weird, personal, and downright ignorant questions about your adoption. I have cousins who did not have children until they were in their 40s, others who had their children in their teens (and all of them wonderful parents).

I tell everyone I meet that I am never working again. ("Hi, nice to meet you, I'm never going back to work") I don't care how old my kids get, I just don't want to work outside the home ever again, and as long as my husband is able to support us it is no one's business except ours.

BTW, 3 kids is absolutely wonderful. Our only inconvenience (over a family of 4) has been one mismatched chair at the kitchen table - a very small price to pay

Congratulations on your adoption, I think it is wonderful that your dreams are being realized. You are the only person who gets to decide what is best for you, so don't listen to people who try to tell you what you should be doing.

**Cele** · 11-02-2006, 08:41 PM

Years ago I was lucky enough to learn an amazing comeback to stupid people, taught to me by a grief therapist after I lost my dad. It's so simple, but I swear it works. Whenever you are asked a stupid question, comment, etc. simply say "And how does that affect you?"

My experience: the person will will either ask you to repeat it (which I gladly do) and then start back-pedaling, or they will start blustering about something else you're doing "wrong". Then they get the question again...and again until they realize they're not entitled to an answer, they're not getting a rise out of me, and basically the subject is closed.

I'm so happy to hear about your upcoming adoption--how exciting for you! Don't let anyone rain on your parade. You deserve your happiness, and others need to know that you get to choose what happiness looks like in your world. Period.

**Neeley** · 11-02-2006, 09:24 PM

I pretty much agree with everyone else. I would not let everyone else get to me. I have people in my family who are total buttheads and they try to tell me how to live my life. I have told all of them to pretty much mind their own business, and this includes my grandmother who thinks she runs the family.
Live your life the way that makes YOU happy!!!

**nwmissourigal** · 11-02-2006, 10:26 PM

Some people have nothing better to do than to butt into others people's business. They are jealous because you stay home. Some people think you are not a complete woman if you not juggling work, home, kids and everything inbetween. Do what is right for you life....not theirs. Congrats on the new addition. I love to hear adoption stories, as I am adopted, I grew up in a wonderful home and my mom stayed home with us until my dad got sick. She had to go back to work, but we never lacked for anything...You Go Girl!!!

**ewokgirl** · 11-02-2006, 11:07 PM

I can so relate! I too am a SAHW, no kids. I've endured many comments over the years. You know what I've figured out? Most of the people who made comments to me were unhappy with their lives. I think they were trying to make themselves feel better by being ugly to me about my happy life. Then, there are those people who genuinely believe their way is the only way, so if you're not working like they are, then you're wasting your life. That's such a crock! I became very adept at telling people that my husband and I chose this lifestyle, and we are virtually stress-free since I handle all the home stuff, he earns the money, and we get to relax together in the evenings.

I know it's easy for everyone to say ignore it. Easier said than done. I know because I've been there. Every nasty little comment such as, "What do you do all day?!" is like a little dart. I started saying that I sit around eating bonbons and watching soap operas all day. People who know me know that is so farfetched that it throws them off guard and usually makes them laugh and leave me alone.

Thankfully, people don't say stuff to me much these days. Chin up and remember that you chose this life, it's the right life for you, and all those other people can just mind their own darned business! If they want to endure the stress of juggling home, family, and a full-time job by choice, then let them. Just remind yourself that you are free from much of that stress that guides their lives.

**ScrapMama** · 11-03-2006, 03:19 AM

It's just plain JEALOUSY! I'm a SAHM and I've gotten tons of flack. I'm also an adoptive Mommy, so I just want to say how wonderful for you!!!!! I don't care what other people think anymore. I'm doing what is right for my family and myself. I only have to answer to God. I agree with all the other posters.

**Kisobel** · 11-03-2006, 03:56 AM

ignore them, life is too short to care about what they think.

kate

**runinonmpt** · 11-03-2006, 06:36 AM

First of all, congrats on your upcoming adoption. I am also an adoptive mom, and do what is right for our family. The broken record technique is great, you just keep repeating as necessary, "This is our choice for our family, it works for us." Sounds like they are trying to engage you in an arguement or debate. Soon they will get bored of the same response from you and give up. Try not to let them get to you.

**mikkismama** · 11-03-2006, 11:54 AM

Originally Posted by kabin63

I don't really see where it's anyone else's business. Forget, if you can, what others think about it. It's you that is living your life, not them. Not all women want to go out into the world and have a career. I, like you, had my dream of just being a wife and mom or homemaker. I hate the "career" world.

My thoughts exactly. Being a SAHM is actually very hard work. It can be more demanding than some jobs. I totally respect people who do it and would love to do it myself someday.