Dh thinks I'm being too restrictive...

**rachelMcK** · 10-30-2007, 11:42 AM

I'm frustrated right now. We go through a budget together, and it works for the first month, but then he says he isn't getting enough. This last budget, we gave him $80 for the month, PLUS the $80+ for the month that he gets teaching guitar. You'd think that would be enough but he still thinks its too restrictive. He wants to save and pay off debt, but he doesn't want to do it quickly. I want our debt gone before we think about having a family. Everymonth we sit down and make a new budget together, but its blown by the end of the month. Im just so frustrated right now...but another month is beginning soon. Any suggestions on what we can try this month? He's not really a fan of frugality.

**peanut** · 10-30-2007, 12:10 PM

rachelMcK: Have you tried to read any books like "Your Money or Your Life" with him? I think doing the exercises where he figures out how many of his hours of work and life energy are going to pay for things, might make him rethink things. You might try just leaving the book laying around the house for him to 'discover', if he's a reader. A real reader can't resist a book...any book...it's an addiction I'm sure. (sigh)

It sounds like you know it's time to panic, and he's not aware of it. Or unwilling to admit it. Or doesn't care. If it's the latter, I'd be asking if he doesn't care because:

1) he doesn't think he can do anything about it (ie. he can't get a grasp of how much debt your debtload really is) or
2) he thinks everyone's in debt and why should you be any different, or
3) he thinks he deserves all that good stuff.

I sometimes think setting specific goals helps some people better. If they know once they pay off such and such, then they can have such and such, it is much easier to get them on board. Giving little rewards helps.

Some people don't work well with a paper budget and need an envelope budget instead...something more visual and tactile. You open the envelope, there's money, you can spend. You open the envelope, there's no money, you can't spend.

I hope some of the other ladies have more ideas for you. Good luck!

Jean

**tammy88** · 10-30-2007, 02:20 PM

i wish i could say we dont use any money for spending...but we do. my husband reads these sometimes and says someone is lying when they say their husband is happy to work all the time and then be given an allowance of $20 a week or a month. = ) thats a man for ya. i want to be able to buckle down and pay stickly bills and be happy not buying anything for months at a time..but honestly its depressing to live like that. $80.00 a month for a person who works full time is probably making them feel depressed or deprived ...my husband needs at least $80.00 a week..he smokes so there's about 40-60 a week right there..and no chance gettin him to stop.., then gas for his truck when he might need to go somewhere, occasional lunches, running to supply houses for the company and picking on parts on his tab, and waiting for the reimbursement.

and then men want things just as much as women probably worse...(my husband and father are toy guys, gotta have toys)..i might want some new makeup, he might want a new video game..is it really fair to tell someone who works all the time that he cant? i hate telling my husband "look we are dead broke this week, sorry there is nothing left" and he's worked hard all week long. but these last few weeks we're lucky if we have a $130 between the two of us. we cope on tight weeks but you gotta try to have room to wiggle.. sometimes.

im not saying any of this to bring you down because its hard making it work and it sucks when you both agree on a budget and he changes it, or he wants more after he said he would be fine with what you agreed on. but you also know you husband..my husband used to take out a $100.00 on his check on friday but i learned if he takes that $100.00 out on friday he is broke monday and wants to take from the house money..so now he doesnt take the money out until monday and on the weekend we work with what we have and we have really i mean really cut back on eating out..gosh i miss it!!

bugdeting is hard for one person let alone two..might want to set something back plus the 80.00 a month for him, so when he says he needs more then you are okay to give it to him...like i might fib and say there is only 40.00 left in the bank when there is 80.00 so then later when he needs something or i need something its there as a cushion. and he is pleasently suprised.and if he doesnt ching ching to the savings or the next week..

good luck..im revampping my budget and girl does it suck right now..we just lost $560.00 a month to health insurance, then got 1 unepected bill for $835.00 and now i need heating oil (we were told we were getting central heat and air for the last 6 months)..which is like 800.00 to fill up my tank and i am no where close to having either..im hoping i can make my 60 gallons last and last but once it gets cold i know it wont....i refuse to turn the heat on right now...just where more clothes..=)

keep trying with the hubby....they do make us bang our heads on the wall

**sdrjeolsen** · 10-30-2007, 03:47 PM

Not sure how old your dh is, but some things come with age and time. My Dh used to be terrible about spending and wanting useless stuff, but over time...and giving him complete charge over the budget for almost a year, he realized I was the best to handle it. he has never made a comment since, he trusts my judgement completely. But were over 40 now and have learned lots about how each other thinks/works.

Maybe it would help to have him do the budget for the month himself and you just support his decisions. Maybe if he has to really think it through, he would realize that it can't continue on the way he would like it to go. Then if he has to make the budget balance it connects more inside him. You may need to remind him of upcoming bills, etc. that have to be considered/saved for, etc. when you sit down to budget.

Sorry you are not on the same page, that is hard. We did that for a while till we worked things out. Now, Dh perfers to know nothing about the finances, he has too much other stuff on his plate to bother, he just wants me to take care of it. good luck working it out.

And, give yourself a pat on the back for sticking with it despite the opposition you have faced. Eventually you will hit on the same page.

**Jessesbride** · 10-31-2007, 04:14 PM

What helped for me to get my DH on track with me was to enroll into the Dave Ramsey's Finacial Peace Class. For some reason, hearing it from another guy who has been "thru it all" the ups and the downs helps! Ever since he has been on board and I've learned to lighten up a little. Dave has some great tips on how to handle things and as I am "the nerd" that likes to handle the finances and my dh is the one who likes to spend, spend, spend... it has totally helped!!!

Praying for you and yours!

Kim

**guest002** · 10-31-2007, 05:16 PM

Have you asked him how much would be enough?

I would try to make a compromise that would work for both of you.

Also, if he doesn't spend all of his monthly cash allow him to decide if he wants to save it or roll it over for the next month, etc.

**freyadog** · 11-01-2007, 08:15 AM

Some men just dont want to change or just not ready for it. My dh strained at the reins for awhile. He grumbled under his breath and had the eye rolling thing going UNTIL I sat down with him and went over line for line what we were doing. Trying to set things up for him to semiretire/retire in 5-6 years. After a few months he started getting into the swing of things. Now when he is at the grocery store he actually calculates the better prices.

He gets 10$ a week for his sodas. We either make or buy cheap cookies for his snacks at work. He takes homemade lunches everyday that he can heat up at work. No sandwiches.

Frugality is something that you have to learn not something that you are born with and some of us get it and some of us dont.

Keep chipping away and eventually the light bulb will come on and he will see the light.

**Dancing Lotus** · 11-01-2007, 09:11 AM

Tammy88- I can understand why your husband would think it would depress someone to only have 20 bucks a week. But the thing to understand is that A. You said your husband needs 80 a week, well if he spends 40 to 60 on cigarrets(SP) isnt he left with about 20 a week? and B. Haveing a small budget is something you have to work up to. If he needs 80 a week ask him to try for 70 a week and then when he gets used to that cut it to 60.

**kittykatstrong** · 11-01-2007, 09:30 AM

Originally Posted by tammy88

is it really fair to tell someone who works all the time that he cant? i hate telling my husband "look we are dead broke this week, sorry there is nothing left" and he's worked hard all week long.

I work long hours...like 60 to 70 hours a week and I cant afford things. I have gone the past month with out buying something new because I know that I can't afford it. If you don't have you don't have it. But you can cut somewhere else. I would ask him if he wanted more money what the one thing that he could cut out(cell phone, cable, eating out)

Katy

**lisettelovebug** · 11-01-2007, 10:22 AM

What I did was an actual Excel spreadsheet with the next 6 months on it. I update it several times a week with our current checking balance and delete items that get paid. Like I have the starting balance, then I have the week's pay. I then list the item and the amount that needs to go to each bill that week. I can actually see if we're going to have a problem a month from now or even a few months from now. I can see if we're spending too much. But since I've done that Dh can look at it and see how we're doing and when this baby decides to come he can see if anything needs to be scheduled (like transfer to savings). Most everything, except rent and water bill, is paid through online banking. I think it helps him to know that our EF is rising. WE have $25 a week taken automatically and then I just schedule more when I see we have some extra. We also paid off all but 3 credit cards and that helps too because he sees us making progress. I also use MyMoney and can show him reports on spending, etc.

**geckoace** · 11-01-2007, 10:51 AM

our approach is somewhat similar to lisette's. when my dh is like i want money for XYZ i sit down and show him what we have what we expect and what is coming out and usually we can come to some sort of compromise. eventhough we sit down and have budget meetings regularly I find that DH has no real concept of how the cash flow works he just sort of expects me to keep the ship afloat so it helps to have a reality check periodically

**McD** · 11-01-2007, 11:11 AM

My husband and I created our budget together. We came up with how much we felt comfortable spending every month on every category. When it came time to decided how much we wanted for fun money, we had a bit of a discrepancy. He thought we each should get 400$ every two weeks. (this was to cover any extras we wanted, eating out, pop, clothes, dvds, c.d.s, etc.). When I explained to him that that would add up to 1600$ a month and would push our debt reduction goal back significantly. After that, we were able to come to a compromise and decide what we felt was a reasonable amount. By both of us agreeing to a set amount, it helped us both stay on track to reach our goals as well as give us money that we could spend without feeling the need to criticize the other's spending habits. The important thing is that both partners need to be on board before a budget will work effectively.

I also have a problem with telling my husband know if he wants to buy something, especially now that he is in Iraq. I figure if he's over there sacrificing his time with us, and the general everyday luxuries,then I can sacrifice something so that he can buy something that he really wants.

**my4littlebuffaloes** · 11-01-2007, 01:18 PM

My first thought was - What does his money need to cover each month? Is $160 realistic for his expenses? Does that have to include gas, lunches, cigarettes, etc? Some things are expensive and really add up. I guess if you told us what that money needed to cover each month, we could better determine if it is enough or not. Good luck!

**rachelMcK** · 11-02-2007, 11:46 AM

Right, so the $160 he gets doesn't go to much. He doesn't smoke or go to bars, his gas is a seperate $20 a week that I give him as well (sometimes I don't think the gas money goes towards gas, but that's his problem since I take the bus). Basically it goes to munchies at work, he buys his lunch once every two weeks (when he gets paid) coffee money in the morning and video game rentals. Altogther that comes to about $90, where the rest of it goes, I can only guess, but this is why I get frustrated when he says its not enough. I think he just blows the rest on random things before he sees something he wants, then complains he hasn't got enough. But I sat down with him again 2 days ago and made a budget step by step and it was him that agreed to $80 a month plus his guitar lesson money so we'll see what happens.