Why is it the More Fiscally Responsible I Try to be, the More I Spend?

**amykhar** · 02-16-2008, 11:00 AM

I have been working to get my finances in order. My goals are to build an emergency fund and to cover all my bills and to get out of debt.

I started using software to track my spending. And, I got everything paid that needed to be paid the last pay period. I had money left over; so I ended up buying some software I 'needed'

Then, I figured I should probably get heating oil because it's going to run out near the end of the month and I don't want to have to deal with that huge bill when rent is due.

I was so darn proud of myself. I stocked up on groceries for two weeks. All I need is bread and milk. I got the girls some shirts for school. Heck, I was being a good provider.

But, I forgot to log the purchase of the shirts. So, when I ordered the heating oil, I had less money than I thought I did. Money was going to be a bit tight until my husband's pay day.

My emergency fund is not in place. I should have put the money there instead of into clothes for the girls. I should have held the cash for the oil until my next check arrived.

Three days before my husband's pay day, my van broke down. I had to get it towed and repaired. The timing of it was such that I didn't have to pay for the repairs until payday. I was ok.

Not.

Turns out, my husband didn't get a paycheck this week. He knew he wasn't going to, but didn't tell me. He's been home for three weeks now and I'm at my end of my rope with him. This has got me ready to smack him upside his head.

But, in all honesty, I did this to myself. I need to get it out of my head that being a good mother means buying things that other people have. I need to get in the habit of stockpiling money instead of food, oil, etc. I was so proud and 'responsible' that now I am in danger of having the car repair check bounce. I'm going to have to dip into my change jar for gas money to get back and forth to work.

And, I'm going to have to work out a budget that doesn't rely on my husband making any money. He's just not reliable enough and I'm going to have to stop expecting him to change.

**Marie78** · 02-16-2008, 11:06 AM

I'm so sorry this happened to you, I don't know what your husband does for a living, but it might be a good idea to not consider his paycheck in your budget if it's not as steady as yours is. Then you could use his paycheck to beef up an EF for your family. Good Luck, and it sounds like you are planning out most purchases in advance and that helps.

**suki** · 02-16-2008, 11:25 AM

Ugh... I feel your pain. I've made the same mistakes. At least you're paying attention and on it.

**peanut** · 02-16-2008, 11:56 AM

I suggest you and DH watch some "Till Debt Us Do part" on Slice TV on-line.

If he can't provide regularly for the family, and that may very well be the case, then at the very least you need open lines of communication about finances. This is not only an issue with you being a spontaneous shopper (clothes), but also of him not keeping you 'in the loop' on income. Some of this could be from guilt and shame about not being able to provide for his family. Some could be the nature of his job.

Still...talking about financial issues on a weekly basis has been a great help to us, and alerted me to changes in income that I otherwise would have been unprepared for. In our case it was a nice surprise. DH had extra income come in. But knowing about it allowed me to voice my plans for the money, and DH knew I wasn't going to let either of us just fritter it away. It went directly to savings.

Ultimately you need to deal with planning and communication.

Hugs, and here's to future success!

Jean

**amykhar** · 02-16-2008, 03:05 PM

It's not that he can't. It's that he won't. He has a college degree in the same subject I do. He just thinks the world owes him a living. But, I went in to this marriage knowing he wasn't exactly a workaholic. That's something I have to deal with because it's not going to change and frankly, it's not worth divorcing him over.

The sad thing is, I shouldn't be living from paycheck to paycheck or having checks close to bouncing in a minor emergency case. I make enough that if I would be mature with my money, I wouldn't be in this pickle.

But it seems every time I work on being 'mature', I end up spending like crazy because I'm trying to be super-provider.

Amy

**suki** · 02-16-2008, 06:15 PM

Okay... the Dr. Phil in me wants to say:
If you are saying you aren't being mature in your spending and that you are trying to be "super-provider", what are you compensating for? Where do you feel inadequate in your life that makes you want to fix it with spending? Give that some thought. Some real reflection and work to feel better about yourself there, then you will better be able to address the spending issue.

As for hubby, if you're cool with it, then it shouldn't be an issue. And, don't let others tell you how to feel about it, not family, girlfriends, co-workers... it's none of their business.

My hubby and I have alternated being the breadwinner in the family. Our family suffered when we both worked long hours. So, one of us cut back when the other had opportunity. Now, my hubby has an undiagnosed degenerative neurological problem and he can't work at all. So, supporting the family is all on me for good now. And, that's okay. I can do it. I did it when I was a single mom. The point is, not to make this all about me... but rather, to let you know others have done this and it's perfectly okay as long as you're okay with it. But, as was pointed out above, communication is pretty important and might be a bigger issue than how much money he brings in.

Is he responsible with money? Would it help to make a deal that if he's not working he's running the household? Would it help to give yourself an allowance?

I've taught my girls to manage their money with what I call my envelope system. (Something I resorted to a long time ago when living on a very slim budget and having a now ex hubby who spent the balance in the checking account regardless of what bills had to be paid.) Work out your budget and when you get paid, go to the bank and withdraw cash to cover the budgeted items. Separate the cash into appropriate envelopes. Say your budget for groceries is $400/month and you get paid twice a month. Then, take out $200 and put in the grocery envelope. Do the same with all items on your budget. For bills that have to be paid with a check or direct draw, leave the appropriate amount in the checking account. Then, lock the checkbook up. Do not carry it with you. Put the ATM/Debit card in there too. Dealing with cash you can readily see how much you have and decide if you can afford it. If you don't have the cash for it... don't buy it right then.

I hope that's helpful and not too preachy. I'm tellin' ya, sistah... I've been there!!