My sil makes me feel like I am useless :(

[Sheila1019]

Dh has a big family. He is one of six. He has four sisters got a sense to where I am going LOL!! Well anyways all four sisters have kids but there is so much to say about that bc one got rid of her kids etc etc.

Well one sil has two kids. Now I am a *new* mom. However I have always been into my house etc. I like the domestic life I guess that is what to call it????

Anyways she is gonna lose her job so we were talking and I told her how I am trying to save money. No snacks have come into my house at all in two weeks. I have always baked and cooked but now thanks to you guys I have discovered the joy of homemade bread and am venturing out to make my own pretzels things like that.

So sil calls asks about the baby etc so I tell her I try to get her out each day and take her to the park to go swinging stuff like that. I told her that I find it easier to do baking etc when dd goes down for a nap. Well miss fresh mouth says that I am overdoing this homemaker thing. That there are no awards for mom of the year. And with the prices going up it will cost me less to buy goodies.

You know I could crush her to fine powder I got about 75 pounds on her however I don't think I am overdoing anything. I enjoy this life. I have always liked to cook, clean and bake. Just now I am venturing more with from scratch baking. That is it. Sil is one that if it don't come out of a box she can't make it(her words not mine). Heck she thought you boiled pork chops until mil showed her how to bake them so now finally sil bakes them with shake n bake.

I know dh and I have debt and will be making our first payment to the dmp plan. I know too that this isn't a lifestyle that can just go away and we can go back to how we were. That is what got us in this mess.

I like the feeling that I can help things to becoming debt free but I also like knowing that little things add up and we have saved some money in the past two weeks with no goodies coming in.

Has anyone else been made to feel that their lifestyle of wanting to become frugal didn't meet others ideas of how they think we should be living?

Sil also made a remark when I told her sometimes I take dd to the pet store just to see the animals(my dd LOVES animals btw)that "oh God what are we gonna have another Sheila on our hands that loves animals?"

I love animals and I love the fact that dh and I have opened our hearts to so many. Yes sometimes it is crazy around here but they love unconditionally you know? Somedays my issues act up and when dd goes down for her nap I will lay down and boom!!! Here comes one cat then there is two cats then one of the chihuahuas then another cat. And they all snuggle up with me. And forget when dd is in the bed the snuggle with her and she loves it. I am happy to know that my dd will love animals and treat them right.

Ok off my soap box now.

Thanks for listening,

Sheila

[mmy2grls]

All that matters is you are happy doing what you want to do. Your child is going to appreciate all the home made goodies you've made with love

[latierra84]

some people just always feel like its their right to share their opinion or point of view. they just dont comprehend that their way isnt the best way for everyone. you're sil is a grown woman and if this is how she is now, that is probably how she'll be for a long long time. dont let what she says get to you.

do the things that you enjoy! bake, make from scratch, clean, visit pet stores, do whatever it is that you want to do with your little ones and in YOUR home, cause its YOURS.

me personally, i think id just start to share less and less about what went on in my house with her, because it sounds like all she's doing is bringing negative vibes, and im sure we've all got enough of those.

[Buc-O-Mama]

Just keep on being who you are. Be confident in the knowledge that you are doing what is best for your family and don't let anyone discourage you. There will always be negative people, I'm really sorry this one is related to you. Chances are she is jealous on some level and finds it necessary to put your efforts down. She sounds pretty toxic and it might be in your best interest to have less contact with her. You need to be at your best. Don't let her bring you down.

[hippytreehugger4ever]

Just explain to her that at least you will know what's going into your food, instead of all the chemicals and preservatives that she's feeding her kids.

All that matters is you are happy doing what you want to do. Your child is going to appreciate all the home made goodies you've made with love

[molly]

It sounds to me like You make SIL feel useless! She sounds jealous to me and feels she needs to bring you down a notch because she can't measure up to you. She also sounds a little like a bully.

I would ignore her, maybe even limit my time around her. Life is too short to let people like this ruin it for you. BE proud of who you are!

[AmyBoz]

You're doing a great job.

[WV_mom_of2]

It sounds to me like your sil is jealous! To me, anyone who makes a comment that there are no awards for mom of the year is feeling a little jealous that you are a great mom and she's probably feeling a little incompetent too. You cook, she can't. You love animals, she doesn't. You are doing everything you can to get out of debt, she probably has no clue how.

I've always been a SAHM and have heard every comment you can think of about it. When dh and I were early in our marriage and I was pregnant with dd MIL would circle jobs in the want ads and bring them to me. I actually heard her tell another couple that when dd was born "I will be raising it while Sherri goes back to work!" Both of dh's sisters work and look down on me because I don't. All of my friend's work and I've heard all the lines.....

You are a slave to your family

You have no money freedom of your own(even though I am the financial everything here and buy anything I want with NO comments ever from dh)

You have time to do those things because you don't work

I spent 10 years volunteering in my kid's school. I heard about that too. Why give up time for free when I could be working and getting paid for it?

OMG you actually make treat bags for every party? Why do have to show up the other parents like that?

You are going on ANOTHER field trip? It must be nice to not have to work and get to do things like that while people like me slave away at work.

How do I handle it? I just smile and go on about doing what I love to do. I too love to be at home. I love to cook and bake and garden. I love to spend time with my kids and dh. I love to hang laundry on the line. Honestly, what do I care what other people think? I'm frugal so I can be home when I want to be! If I hadn't been frugal I could have never been a SAHM all these years and that is very important to dh and me. MIL still makes her comments and lately I've just decided to avoid her. She calls, I see her number on the ID and don't answer LOL. I tell dh later she called and he calls her back.

If you are truly happy doing what you do, then ignore sil. Just tell yourself that she is jealous and smile at that and go on about your business. If it gets to bad, avoid her. Let dh talk to her when she calls, etc. And if necessary, have dh set her straight!

[Darlene]

Sounds like you are doing fine to me.

You can't change her but you can change how you react to her. Just keep doing what you and your family like and pay no attention to the comments from her. Being a new Mom, you can be extra sensitive to comments & compare yourself to others & think you are doing things wrong. You'll find your way and if you have any questions you can talk to your dh, friends or family members that you respect & who respect you.
Like someone said, life is too short & just keep your distance. What really matters is you, hubby & baby.
Next time she starts in you just say that you and your family are happy, smile & ask "How's it going with you?"

[30s&DebtFree]

I have experienced the SIL comments as well. Not really about being frugal, but about other things in my life. I have distanced myself and things have improved over the years. Limit your exposure to the negativity because it can eat away at you.

I agree with the comments that she must be jealous of you. Keep that in mind next time the comments come rolling in.

[cab54]

She's jealous of your skills. Pure and simple. It makes HER feel useless and she's intimidated. She needn't--everyone has their own homemaking style. But that won't stop her from trying to needle you every chance she gets.

It took me almost 30 years to not let my IL's bother me with their nasty comments. PLEASE learn to ignore them (or put them in their place if they're really out of line) earlier than I did. You will save yourself a WHOLE LOT of heartache.

Let her roll right off of you, like water off a duck. It isn't worth worrying over I can tell you that. It only hurts YOU when you let her into your head.

[cheles2kids]

Sheila, I have found in life that when people say mean things it's more because they are a bit jealous of your lifestyle.
So, it could very well be that this particular SIL just doesn't feel any satisfaction from her life and tries to make herself feel better by putting down yours.
I know, it's sad, but I've found it's true in most cases. There is usually an underlying reason why people do this. I'm not saying it's fair or that she should be acting this way, but it's almost like a small child acting out because another child is doing or has something that they secretly want.

Does she work out of the home? Maybe she secretly wishes she could be a SAHM like you? Or maybe she wishes that she had learned how to cook but doesn't have the first idea where to start and feels like maybe someone would make fun of her if she asks for help?
Or it could be that she feels like she might be spending more of her household budget than she should but doesn't have the first idea of where she needs to begin to stem the spending? Or she could just be feeling like an outsider to the family and is still trying to find a way to fit in?

I've always told my kids that when kids say mean things, to try really hard not to automatically become defensive because there is something else going on underneath and if they can, try to see if there is anything they can do to help. That kids like this are the ones who usually need a good friend the most.

People like this are the ones who are *really* in need of a friend and sometimes you might be the only one they'll ever have.

So, depending on your relationship with her and how hurt you are by all of this, is there anyway you could find it in your heart to still be kind and try to find out what's going on?
I also realize that with some people, there is just no getting through to them, but in this instance it might just be worth a try?

As far as what other people say about how we live our life? Nah, I don't let things get to me. I'm so used to being the oddball that nothing much of what anybody says to me gets me down.

[YankeeMom]

Sounds like a bit of the green monster if you ask me.

I think you're doing great. I enjoy all the things you do. I LOVE being home, cooking, baking, cleaning (well, most of the time ). I enjoy being a homemaker. Some people just don't get it, are supremely jealous, or just plain don't know when to keep their mouths shut about things that don't concern them.

[mommy4ever]

I have SIL like that. Heck even my brother was like that. He thought we were insane to have 4 kids. LIttle comments were mad ehere and there. Then they adopted one. Their life crumbled under the pressures. Now they adopted a family of 3. I'd love to be a fly on their wall. They are realizing that a basket of laundry unfolded ISN"T the end of the world. that vacuuming done only once a week sometime has to do.

MIL initially thought I was working dh into the ground. I was a SAHM, but I've always done childcare. We'd never have survived. She didn't see what I did as income,even though she did the same thing. It got really really bad, then dh told her, if she forced him to chose between his family and her, she'd lose everytime. She backed off, and started to notice the little things. The kids are nicely dressed, but found out, I either make them or they are second hand. She decided to supplement by getting them a gift card at their birthdays so they can get af ew new things to compliment what they have. Instead of assuming I cant' cook, which she did for years, she started talking and found out I love to bake and she's shared her mothers cookbooks and recipes. She noticed I rarely buy clothes for myself, so she slips cash or giftcards for me to treat myself.

But what she noticed most is that we do ok on what we make. We have no creditors calling, there is ALWAYS food, electricity, water, clean clothes, and most importantly happy kids. We're actually very close now. I find she reminds me quite abit of my grandma, and it makes a soft spot.

As to SIL and BIL...well they are always about money money money. Despite they've had to refinance like 4 times in the last 7 years. that they each make about $40 an hour and still can't pay their bills. They had at one point told me, they have no idea how our kids will go to university since we're sooo poor. Well, the "rich" family just told their 17 yo son he can't go to college, he'll need to take up a trade because they can't afford the $3500 tuition... (sorry, but I have to laugh! It's $3500~! They can't find it in their budget in the 6 figure income??? ) He is so disheartened, as they haven't permitted him to have a job all this time, so he has no savings. He just started working now. He graduates and has no goals now. They crushed him.

My kids don't expect that we're paying thier tuition, they know they need to work and save for it(we'll cover the balance). My nephew had always been told they'll pay for it all.

Sorry, to hijack a little there. But the fact is you can't chose your family. If she gets to you that much, just don't anwser her calls. I do that. For 2 years we barely spoke to MIL and FIL for that reason. SIL and BIL we only see at family occasions, we make no other effort. Now MIL and FIL, we are neighbors all summer camping. We do alot together. But they had to see that we arent' SIL and BIL, that we didn't see the need fo rgifts at every occasion, that we do things our way, and it works for us. (key words). And now we have a grand time together. Sure, we get upset with eachother sometimes, but it over within a day.

So set your boundaries. If it gets to you that much, let the answering machine pick up and call back who you want to later. Then let dh deal with the rest.

[happimommi]

I have family members like that also and as many others have stated, they probably are jeolous. I have found that with some people, I don't volunteer any sort of personal information, such as what I am doing during the day or new hobbies I am working on. Why open myself up for ridicule? People that have to put others down to make themselves feel better don't deserve to know what a wonderful job you are doing as a wife and mother. Keep it up. You are doing great!!!