How do you cultivate compassion in your children?

**ShawnaRae** · 05-17-2008, 04:34 PM

Hi! I have been trying to find more ways to cultivate compassion, understanding and kindness in my children. I was wondering if any of you have thought about this, and if so, what have you done? I would love to hear!

I feel my children are empathetic, but now that they are getting older, (13, 10, 6), I would like to focus on that a bit more. I have been thinking about some kind of volunteer work.

I was reading the 'food stamp/having babies' thread. I imagined how I would feel if my daughter ever spoke that way! I thought it would be a great time to bring this up, because everyone on this forum has wonderful ideas! I learn a lot here!

**McD** · 05-17-2008, 04:59 PM

Wesley is two--we are trying to take simple steps to show him how to hep others and the way we treat him is helping too.

When he cries, I ask him what's wrong and how we can make it better. When I cried at dh's homecoming ceremony, Wesley looked at me and said "Why you cwying Mommy?" I said I'm just really happy...then he asked me, "I kiss it better for you?"

How we treat him is the BEST way for him to learn. Kids that age (Wesley is 2) mimic the actions of those they are around, parents, daycare providers, kids, family etc. Set a positive example in YOUR actions and your little one will follow suit.

Wesley and I were going into the grocery store and we saw a Legionnare collecting donations. I took Wesley aside for a minute (out of the way of customers, etc.) and explained to him that a long time ago that man did really brave things to help a lot of people and now that that man needs help too. I gave Wesley a 10$ bil and asked him to go give it to him.

Wesley walked up to that veteran with his 10$ clutched into his grubby little paw, handed him the money, and without prompting from me looked straight at him and said "Thank you". That veteran puffed up with pride and for a minute I thought he was going to cry...then he composed himself and bent down, gave Wesley a poppy and said No...thank you.

Man alive! Wesley acted like he was king of the world! He was so excited to come home and tell daddy he helped the brave man!

Long story short---we teach our kids with our actions as well as with our words. Do things with your child to help others.....it'll become second nature to them.

**Frugal Nurse** · 05-17-2008, 05:36 PM

Geez! MrsMcDowell... I had tears in my eyes!

I strongly believe that if you lead by example, the children will learn.

I also believe that your child's empathic behavior (or lack of) is a direct reflection of what they experience at home.

This applies to almost all scenerios anyway... drugs alcohol, hatred, etc.

But, lets just say- that the home was not all that good in demonstrating empathy and compassion- not all is lost.
Even adults can learn the behavior. It just takes a little longer, I guess.

For some, it's intrinsic- for other's it's a learned behavior.
But for the most part, it's something that is learned by observation.

It's hard to state here what the lifetime of lessons are- but I think making statements with the children around to hear it... that reflect empathy or compassion will not go unnoticed.

For instance,
"gosh... I feel so badly for that homeless person. He must be very cold. What do you think we can do to help him?"

Everybody is bad mouthing the bully.... "I feel badly that the bully feels the need to push other children around- maybe something happened to him that makes him want to be that way"

Regarding a terrible pre-teen with a potty mouth. "It's not Ashley's fault she's that way- her home situation might be very different than yours and it's all that she knows as 'normal'. She's still a girl, a child, and a person. "

Look for opportunities to show empathy.

**perSue** · 05-17-2008, 05:45 PM

great story MrsMcD!

I'm proud of you AND your son!

I think teaching empathy is a very hard thing for parents.
It's one of those "you gotta be there in the moment" kind of lessons, I think.
Sure, it's easy to explain in adages: walk a mile...
But, to "convey" that message can be harder.

Compassion, I agree wholeheartedly, can be LEARNED through watching others... namely at home.

Compassion has many degrees to it, it has many faces as well.

And as an example, my teen dss one day saw me crying.
I was having a SUPER BAD day (kinda like Murphy's law in one day)...
a TEEN boy, mind you, w/out saying a word, got me some water (to drink), a warm rag (for my eyes), and just gave me a hug.

He said NOTHING... but showed MORE compassion in that moment than a lot of people I've known for years.

It INSTANTLY made me feel better... to know that he, even as an absent-minded teenage boy (need i say more?) still had "something" in him to share, and show that "it'll be ok."

Be it that he's "naturally" that way or he's learned at least ONE good thing from us (parents)... it proved that he definitely has empathy and compassion.

**McD** · 05-17-2008, 05:48 PM

One of my favorite memories of my brother Dennis, who graduates hs tomorrow, happened when I was 19. I was home sobbing my eyes out because of a boyfriend....Dennis would have been about 14. He came upstairs, sat next to me on my bed and just patted me on the back for a minute. He went downstairs, (unbeknownst to me, he called my mom to see how to make me feel better), then he came back upstairs. He sat with me until I stopped crying and fell asleep. He tucked me.

What 14 year old boy does that for their sister?

**janelane** · 05-17-2008, 06:02 PM

I think inspiring a child's natural curiosity and imagination, and teaching them to extend that into all facets of life, is a good base. I think in this world of instant self gratification and superficiality we sometimes forget to examine the "hows" and "whys" of things, sometimes we take things and people from the surface instead of from the heart, and we tend to overlook what runs deeper. Teaching children to strive to learn about others and do their best to understand others and the world around them instills compassion and empathy.

**FrugalWitch** · 05-17-2008, 11:50 PM

I don't have children but Momma made sure that we were exposed to those less fortunate than ourselves. We not only helped collect food and clothing donations for local families we also went with Momma to do the deliveries. Just seeing the sad, miserable living conditions of the truly poor is an eye-opening experience.

We learned that even if you bring free food, there may not be a way to cook it. We learned that children can cry over receiving a warm coat at Christmas....not a toy (although we brought those as well) but simply warm clothes. We learned that no matter how tight things may be for ourselves, there is always someone worse off who needs whatever help they can get.

I agree that the learning opportunities may often be spur-of-the-moment. I got all teary-eyed reading about Wesley and the Legionnaire. What a beautiful story!

Thank you to all the Moms who are concerned and actively striving to teach their children to be caring, loving and compassionate. The world needs more kindness to balance out all the over-privileged self-centered snots.

**Momof3girls** · 05-18-2008, 12:09 AM

I think you cultivate compassion, by modeling it whenever you have the chance.
Helping an elderly neighbor unload the groceries from her car, donating money to a Veteran sitting outside a grocery store, working at the pet shelter and gathering items for donation; all model compassion.

**Jamauk** · 05-18-2008, 12:23 AM

AAWWW, Nichole - you made me cry - TWICE!!!

I'll go with the crowd here and say lead by example. We were going into the store the other day and an elderly gentleman was having a hard time pulling the door open while trying to manuver his walker at the same time. Ben (my 5yo) was behind him patiently waiting until the man cleared the doorway so he could open the door for his Mommy. I grabbed the door for the man and Ben wanted to know why I didn't let him (Ben) open the door for me (Daddy has been teaching Ben to open doors for ladies). I explained to him that while I love having him open doors for me, it looked like that man was having a bit of a time getting through the door and it was nice to be able to help him out and Ben said "Yeah, I like helping people out." It didn't come natural, but he's only five, but I was ecstatic that he's already noticing that it feels good to help others.

Ok - here's a funny story since we're talking about opening doors. A few years ago the boys and I went out to dinner. I had Ben (who was about 3 or so and Carter who was probably 8-9 months old). As we were leaving the restaurant I was holding Ben's hand and carrying Carter with the other arm. A couple (I'm guessing in their mid to late 40's) were approaching the door from the outside. The man takes a few quick steps to get in front of his wife and reaches for the door. I just stand there expecting him to open it. Well, he opened it - about 6 inches - and squeezed through. Let the door slam shut in both his wife's face and mine. Ben said - in his innocent three year old voice - "Mommy, why did that man do that? Daddy says boys are supposed to let girls go first." I couldn't see the man's reaction as he was already past me, but his wife's face said it all - she was mortified! It was one of my proudest Mommy moments!!!

**Moor** · 05-18-2008, 02:58 AM

my dh and kids call me good sam all the time. but they know and get the "why" of why i do it. so that helps. lol

short story here:
a woman came into work on friday. she was in a wheelchair. she had her severly disabled son with her. she was trying to buy some flowers and get some help on how to plant them. well her son took off and was knocking things over and such. well, they were going to ask her to leave. but i asked them to give me a few minutes with her. so i went to her. took her son by the hand, found out he was deaf. i helped her get her flowers, signed to the boy that he needed to be good and help. he started listening to me and helping pick out flowers. i helped that woman get what she needed and checked out and out to her car. i cleaned up the mess the boy had made and turned around and my boss was standing there. he told me that i shouldn't have done that. and i told him, that because i did, she is now going to tell her friends about us and recommend us to people because i took the time to help her and show compassion. she will also remember this day for the rest of her life. he just looked at me. then he said, you are right, i'm sorry, i'm having a bad day. i asked him if his day was anything like her's and he hung his head and walked away. when i was leaving work that day. he came to me and told me that he was really sorry that he didn't help her out himself.

when i told my kids about it, i asked them what they would have done. they all agreed that i had done the "right" thing and because i did, she will pass that one.

we believe in paying it forward in this family. my middle daughter got a two day suspension from school because she got into a fight. a little girl was getting picked on and kala stepped in and ended up in a fight. even though she got in trouble at school, she didn't at home, because she was defending someone who couldn't defend themself.

so yeah, leading by example works best.

**Frugal Nurse** · 05-18-2008, 07:44 AM

Bawling my eyes out! sheesh! Great stories!

**Daisygirl** · 05-18-2008, 08:49 AM

When I hear my girls saying something judgemental, we take a moment to sit down and close our eyes and think of how the person came to that point in the road. Most times this has been effective, but not in every sngle incidence.

For example, a girl in DD12's class was molested at the age of 5. Now, she dresses provactively, is failing in school, and only seems to care about attention from boys. I have sat with DD12 and talked to her about how this poor girl got to the point that she is, but this one is a little trickier. Since I have long preached modesty and comporting yourself like a lady, I seem to have shot myself in the foot getting my daughter to understand how this girl turned out like she has.

Aside from this particular incidence, though, both of my girls think kindly of others and do what they can to help. We do some volunteer work and we try very hard to be thoughtful and grateful.

**iida** · 05-18-2008, 09:55 AM

By example. Not only what you do, but what you say as well.

As I have told before, rasicm is a problem here. People say "I am not rasict, but...." and they say nasty things about foreigners, meaning mainly Russians or Somalis or people from Eastern Europe or Africa or Asia. And they say these things infront of their children. They talk about how the refugees come here to enjoy our health care and social security, don´t want to work, or take the work from us, or take our women (or men if they are from Russia or Asia) and so on. All the Russian girls are prostitutes as are women from Thailand, Eastern Europeans are lazy and thiefs, African men are rapists. This goes on and on. Old women are the worst.

My point, think what you say, when your childen are listening.

**ShawnaRae** · 05-19-2008, 11:29 AM

Originally Posted by FrugalWitch

I don't have children but Momma made sure that we were exposed to those less fortunate than ourselves. We not only helped collect food and clothing donations for local families we also went with Momma to do the deliveries. Just seeing the sad, miserable living conditions of the truly poor is an eye-opening experience.

We learned that even if you bring free food, there may not be a way to cook it. We learned that children can cry over receiving a warm coat at Christmas....not a toy (although we brought those as well) but simply warm clothes. We learned that no matter how tight things may be for ourselves, there is always someone worse off who needs whatever help they can get.

I agree that the learning opportunities may often be spur-of-the-moment. I got all teary-eyed reading about Wesley and the Legionnaire. What a beautiful story!

Thank you to all the Moms who are concerned and actively striving to teach their children to be caring, loving and compassionate. The world needs more kindness to balance out all the over-privileged self-centered snots.

Thank you, everyone, for your comments! I agree. My children have always been in a kind environment, and have had good examples, and developed compassion naturally. Thank you Frugal Witch. I have been wanting my children to have hands on experience helping others. I think it's wonderful that your momma involved you in her work! Now, don't get me wrong, my children are grateful and humble, but it's easy to forget that there are many people in the world in true need!