want Joe to anticipate what needs done is that to much to ask?

[qtkitty]

We have talked and talked about his feelings .. for the longest time he was making everything about his wheelchair.. i finally was like look if your constantly saying stuffs all about the wheelchair then it will make you feel more like that.

Example: We would be out at the grocery store and he would be holding the baby in his lap wheeling around the grocery store. Later he would comment that "yah would think people had never seen a guy in a wheelchair holding a baby before" and he would say it OVER AND OVER AND OVER excentuating the wheelchair part.

Today his mom has come and i went to bed this morning since i worked last night and am working tonight. Well right as i was going he kept asking what i was going to do with the canned goods on the kitchen table ( i hadn't gotten to putting them away yet because quite frankly sleep was more important at that point in time then figuring out where i was going to put them.) He moved all the canned goods onto the freezer, washed dishes, washed bottles, and straightened the living room and kitchen all before his mom arrived. Since his mom has arrived he had held ellen more telling her how he does this that and the other for her. Telling his mom what ellen does or doesn't like. Even gooing and gaaing over her while she played on her little baby gym when normally i have to almost walk up to him and physically roust him to ask him to pay a little attention to her so i can make dinner or what ever i am needing to do, and then he pays attention for 1-2 minutes then again he is ignoring her crying because she wants some attention. I was a little flustered by this evening but never got a moment alone to ask him what he was up to.

Just a little odd that he is suddenly doing all this with out being asked when his moms about to show.

[cissylu]

well sound`s like he`s trying to impress mom.
qkitty If he can do all these thing`s now he can do it at other times.
sound`s to me like he doesn`t want to do it and makes exscuses.
I realize there are times he can`t. But he need`s to push his self.
good luck

[Michelle]

Greebo, you and my husband must have both taken this course at "Man School" at some point in your lives.


--Michelle

I think it must be a required course somewhere along the way

[Michelle]

No one knows better than the two of you what is really going on in your home. All solutions begin and end there.

If you don't want people in your business... don't tell them your business. And, if they choose to butt in.... simply tell them you prefer not to discuss it because you're a private person.

This is what it all boils down to. We can't possibly know every little thing that happens in your home or every nuance of your relationship. All we can do is offer advice/suggestions based on what you've told us.

The problem with venting to people is that they remember those things more than anything good you may say. Suki is right. They can't really butt in if you aren't telling them what's going on. And if they do, it's them with the issue and not you. At that point you simply tell them that you're working on the issue or you'd rather not talk about it, etc.

And I agree with him wanting to impress his mother. I know a couple of men who do the same

I hope things get better for you soon

[suki]

We have talked and talked about his feelings .. for the longest time he was making everything about his wheelchair.. i finally was like look if your constantly saying stuffs all about the wheelchair then it will make you feel more like that.

Example: We would be out at the grocery store and he would be holding the baby in his lap wheeling around the grocery store. Later he would comment that "yah would think people had never seen a guy in a wheelchair holding a baby before" and he would say it OVER AND OVER AND OVER excentuating the wheelchair part.

I was in a head-on collision when I was 18 that landed me in a wheelchair for several months while I learned to walk again. It is very uncomfortable when out in public. You do get a lot of stares. It feels as if you are on display for everyone. This was a huge motivator for me to learn to walk and kick the chair to the curb. However, if it were my fate to remain in that chair, it would have taken me a very long time to adjust to the attention that came with it. When I worked with training nurses' aids one session was on compassion and I would have them spend some time in a chair. It was always eye-opening. It will take him some time to get used to the stigma that comes with his handi-cap... if he ever does. In his daily life, he will be constantly reminded of it and treated differently for it.

Today his mom has come and i went to bed this morning since i worked last night and am working tonight. Well right as i was going he kept asking what i was going to do with the canned goods on the kitchen table ( i hadn't gotten to putting them away yet because quite frankly sleep was more important at that point in time then figuring out where i was going to put them.) He moved all the canned goods onto the freezer, washed dishes, washed bottles, and straightened the living room and kitchen all before his mom arrived. Since his mom has arrived he had held ellen more telling her how he does this that and the other for her. Telling his mom what ellen does or doesn't like. Even gooing and gaaing over her while she played on her little baby gym when normally i have to almost walk up to him and physically roust him to ask him to pay a little attention to her so i can make dinner or what ever i am needing to do, and then he pays attention for 1-2 minutes then again he is ignoring her crying because she wants some attention. I was a little flustered by this evening but never got a moment alone to ask him what he was up to.

Well, yes, he wanted to impress mom. And, having her visit was a motivator for him. He wants her to see that he's okay. Whether it's true or not. We tend not to want our momma's to worry about us too much so most folks tend to go a little above and beyond when momma is in town.

Just a little odd that he is suddenly doing all this with out being asked when his moms about to show.
Not odd at all. You really need to talk to him about YOUR feelings, not his. Try the "when this... I feel that" approach without blaming him or putting him on the defensive.

I still think he's struggling with depression and the progression of his disability. Regardless, the two of you need to work on solutions TOGETHER.

[qtkitty]

Right now its hard to talk because his mom is in the house... which already she has gotten on my nerves and Joe knows it. I really do believe that the woman is mad at me. Her comments are crass and the way she says them are accusing even when Joe says she is picking and "you can tell because of the tone she uses."

She supposedly came down to help transport Joe to his surgery appointments.. well then he got approved for medicaid transport.. she still came .. Joe asked if she would come pick him up after the surgery because he didn't want to wait the maybe 3 hours for medicaid transport to come pick him up... her response " well she can go to sleep right when she gets home and then when you call i will go wake her up and she can pack up and go get you. " Joe goes no she isn't if your not willing i will just wait for transport to get me. With Ellen having been sick and on antibiotics and decongestants neither of us want her to be in a hospital nor in and out of AC any more then she has to be.

AKA im a little stressed right now .. with comments from my MIL ( AKA when Joe had just gotten hime today and i had went outside to help him in and was asking him how he was doing standing on the porch and she opened the door and i looked at her and she goes DON'T MAKE ME HIT YOU.. instead of asking me to move aside so she could get out the door more easily.. i almost told her to go home right then.. instead i let her come outside and went inside and let her lug Joe's wheelchair up the stairs) .. i am already a little raw on the nerves and about to crack ... so i think us talking will have to wait til his mom leaves. She made the comment that she could only stay til the 15th... and i almost had a panic attack... I definately am going to have to have a talk with Joe as to when his mom is going home!!

[Darlene]

WTH is she staying? She isn't doing a darn thing except making your life miserable. She'd be outa there so fast her head would spin. She's not helping Joe, she's not helping you, she's not helping the baby. Austa La Vista baby.
Sorry for being so emotional but man you don't need to put up with that

[qtkitty]

Darlene~ HALALUYAH SISTER!! Thats what i said.. Thank GAWD she is leaving this morning when i get home from work ( or shortly after ) She wants me to wake her up when i get home so she can get awake enough to drive.

Joe was shocked when i told him what she had said...about don't make me hit you... also later in the week when i came out of the babies room which is on the side of the hall and her door is like in an alcove so sound doesn't penetrate and i got woken up by them talking!! I even turned up the tropical lullaby music sitting right by the radio and i still could hear what they were saying word for word ( now for reference we can crank the tv up to 29 in the living room AKA wake the dead and when the radio is on you can hardly hear it ...so of course i was ticked because i was trying to get a nap before work ellen had been fussy so i was having to nap in the recliner with her on my chest and i had worked the night before) I went in the kitchen half awake and bluntly said " Ya'll when i can hear yah word for word over the radio in the babies room and yah wake me up its yall are talking to loud" Joe and the next door neighbors son were appoligetic. Joe's mom goes " well if yah wouldn't be peepin in on our conversation yah wouldn't have that problem"
I was so damned mad i saw red so i turned and went to do everything i had to get done before work. Joe finally came back to ask if i was okay and i told him no because i was tired of being disrespected in my own household and told him all of what she had done that was tickin me off. He said he was going to have a talk with her and since Wensday night this woman hasn't even spoken to me... of course since tuesday night she has slept almost 24/7 except to get a cig and eat. Well except when she stared at me like a hawk when i was cooking for everyone.. then criticised my cooking loud enough to joe that i could hear it. And Ahhh got to love Joe He goes well thats how i like it.. which shut her up real quick.

Joe's none to happy either he had asked her if she would vaccume the livingroom on monday since i hadn't had a chance to get to it in a while. She said she would later. Well Tuesday the next door neighbors son was kind enough to clean out the ferrets cage and rabbits cage and had out the vaccume cleaner. Joe asked her if she wanted him to ask the boy to leave it out for her and she said no. ( thank goodness the neixt door neighbors son was staying with us too .. let me tell yall he was a god send!! Helped me out sooo much .. in turn for a few snacks from the grocery store and to get to be away from his house since his dad's gf had been staying while looking for job closer and his sister and the gf do not get along.. so he was estatic to be away for a few days)

Yesterday Joe's mom told the next door neighbors son to basically leave.. luckily while i was sleeping or i would have been throwing her stuff out the door s fast as she could blink. Joe told him to ignore her though.

Then we had a change container that we have been saving money and its probubly got $60 in it. Earlier in the week Joe's mom had asked if she could have the pennies out of it so she could roll them and take them to her bank to put into the savings account she had for ellen. ( which i was Ehhhh okayish with ) Well she was packing the car with some of her stuff. She picks up the whole thing along with the piggy bank she brought down for ellen and went to go out the door. I was like Oh there what are you doing. She goes taking this to the car. I was like Ellens change jar stays here. She goes but yall gave it to me. I was like No it stays here period. She got mad and put it down( note with her stuff on the table not where it was) and stopped off to take the piggy to her car. I told Joe about it later and he went and talked to her to smooth it over *rme* i told him i didn't care if she was mad or not at this point. He talked to her and told her if she wanted the pennies she had to seperate them out. Her excuse she's to old to do that.

And she only held ellen a few times in the begining of the week and every time ellen would start screaming bloody murder.. cause she would hold her all wonky because holding her like would be normal was to hard... she had ellen stradling her leg facing her face first into her breast holding her mostly by one arm. Well hello wonder why she is crying.. i had to keep myself from snatching ellen from her. Now at the end of the week Ellen isn't sleeping well she is out of schedual sleeping maybe 3 hours at night unless held.. not sleeping at all during the day unless held.. at work she is a happy go lucky baby ( awake and playful when we first get here for a few hours which is out of character for her since normally she is in bed by between 8 and 9pm then sleeping til 5 or 6 am in her own crib in her own room) but still grabby and wanting mom even in sleep sleeping only a few hours before waking screaming. Also she has been screaming in her sleep. So for ellens well being i think joe and i are going to have to make a pact.

Once she leaves i think Joe and i are going to have a little talk about his mom and her stays.. because i never ever want her back after this she stresses me out... if she wants to come visit she can come for a few days and stay in a hotel( like my family ) then GO HOME.

[kittykatstrong]

Having a new baby on top of all the medical issues would stress any one out. I reliezed that my house could not be perfect if I want to be happy at all. We can't do it all and need help. Even if it is someone(DH) saying what a good job you are doing or I don't know what I would do without you. Some days that means more to me than him picking up his dirty socks, and other days all I want is for him to pick them up.

[Darlene]

Glad you are going to talk to Joe and that she's GONE. He needs to man up and not smooth things over. She should have been out the door days ago, told especially by her son, that her behavior will not be tolerated. Why all the pussyfooting around with her feelings? She doesn't care about anyone else's. To heck with her.
I would have loved to tell her off, "Hey listen you old witch, hit the road. You are selfish, rude, lazy, condescending and downright obnoxious. You aren't welcome back until you find some manners and then some."

[qtkitty]

Darlene~ *LOL* i would be scared she would deck me if i said something like that..... although there were a lot of times when i almost told her to get her crap and get out.

She is an old biker woman and used to get into bar fights for the fun with men and WIN!! Of course if she EVER and i mean EVER hauled off and decked me... she would be auto out the door and if she refused the cops would be there to physically remove her... and if i had to call the cops then i would get a restraining order while i was at it..she wouldn't be welcome back again nor would she see her granddaughter again...and if Joe argued and to talk with her about it.. then he would be thinking of how to get his crap in her car to go home with her. Cause no way would it be okay for her to hit me if he feels its not right for men to hit women ( which i don't think he would side with her if she threw a punch at me)

[Jeanna]

After being married 22 years I have realized that men just do not think ahead like that. I read that men most of the time only think about 1 thing at a time where we women have, it seems, 100 things we are thinking about. I would just sit down with him and ask if he could do such and such and not but it out as "Well you haven't been doing what I need you to do." He might come around. If not just remind him as you get up to change the baby that you need a bottle. You may have to call home and remind him to change out the laundry. I know it can get frustrating but we sometimes have to realize that men are the way they are and we have to take the things that bug us to get the things we like/love. Good luck.

[Frugal Nurse]

QT...
men just don't know that stuff.
It's not instinctive like it is in women.

You can't expect him to just know it.
You need to train him. Condition him. you are the Alpha in the house.
It is your responsibility to anticipate when he needs guidance.

Yes, I also think his disability is getting in the way.

I know it's so frustrating for you.
He is trying, at least. That's a start.

Nothing wrong with a list. men need that simple list. They'll be happy to do the list... because they know you'll be happy and if momma ain't happy.. ain't nobody happy.

Men are simple. Women are complicated.
It's a fact.

He can't possibly know and understand the formula stuff. You care for her all day - it's good he asks. I would get REAL nervous if he's NOT asking and acting like he knows what he's doing and he doesn't

So, take him by the hand - and help him. you're the best person for it. But DON't coddle him! It's his responsibility and slowly start letting go of the rope.
He'll do just fine. He just needs a bit more time.

[IntlMom]

hey, I just wanted to ask, just to be clear...she is GONE right??? I sure hope so. I've been gone for a while, and I was just reading this thread.....and WOW you have your hands full for sure!!!

[qtkitty]

IntlMom~ Yes Gone .. YAY ..

he called her today "because if he didn't he would hear about it tommorrow" ( words from his own mouth ) He put her on speaker phone to listen to Ellen talkin.. well as soon as she got on speaker phone she started going Hey Ellen What What.. poor ellen was looking at the phone in utter terror and got completely quiet.. Joe goes mom Hush so you can hear her.. we tried for 10 minutes before we could get her to talk again but it wasn't til he got off the phone with his mom when she started talking again.

The bad thing about that is that she has talked over the speaker phone before i have had my mom talk to her or Joe say nighty night to her from work and she will look at the phone like how did they get into that phone and then start interacting by talking and reaching towards the phone.