How bad is it to want to have it all? (Beware long!)

[Dutchie]

This is not a hypothetical situation, it is one which is happening in our neighborhood.

Some background.
My neighbor is a married woman in her late thirties and she and her DH have 2 kids.
The neighbors are VERY VERY nice and are always VERY hospitable.
The father has a good job in government and the mother is a pediatric cardiologist. She is one of 2 drs in the entire hospital who is allowed to do a certain procedure which means that either she or her colleague is on call 24/7.

They both work 'part time'. This means for him - 4 days per week. She ('normally') works 3 1/2 days. She does have to work all regular night shifts/weekend duties as a regular full time dr. so then she is on call/works on her days off.
Her normal 'part time' hours are around 60 hours per week (she works unbelievably hard and I do admire her for the amazing commitment that she has for her work).
They have an au pair for the kids.
Yesterday I heard that they have put the new au pair on non-active and that they would be applying for a new one since she is just not working out. This will take I think 6 weeks AT LEAST. They are now hoping for help from (among others) the neighborhood till the situation is resolved.
(Them taking time off is not an option I believe.)

My 5 kids are now older (youngest 17) and I enjoy the freedom that that brings with it.
When my kids aren't working at their part time summer jobs, I love spending time with them, either going to the movies with my daughter or just 'chilling' with the kids and their friends at home or going into the city with one or more of them.
They are growing up so fast - time with them is so precious.

I am torn in this. The neighbors' kids are great, the parents are great and would do anything for anyone if they can and I feel that I should be there for them and I am sure that I will be asked for help very soon.

OK I would never have been a pediatric cardiologist but a reasonable career in law would have been there for me.
I chose to be a SAHM because my parents were never there for me (no siblings) when I was growing up because they worked all hours that God sends and still do (they don't have to work - they just love it). (When I was a child and my regular sitter was sick or couldn't look after me, I was sent from one neigbhor to another or from one relative to another.)
Even before we were married, my DH and I decided that I would stay home and be with the kids if financially possible.
It is a decision that we have NEVER regretted.

I am really torn in this and all thoughts will be appreciated (please be kind).

I think that this is a very incoherent story but I hope that you get what I am trying to say.
On the one hand I would like to help my neighbors but on the other, it is very confrontational for me because of my own childhood.
KWIM?

In any case, back to the title - how bad is it to want to have it all?
Your thoughts?

[earthymom]

It sounds like you feel "obligated" and unable to say "NO" if asked. I don't think it is you obligation to babysit your neighbors just because you are a SAHM. You also are not required to feel guilty if you say "NO".

Helping neighbors is great -- but not an obligation or requirement. You don't "owe" it to them or anyone else. You do "owe" it to yourself to do what feels comfortable and right to you.

Do you think maybe that babysitting will help you to heal your childhood "hurts"? Having painful old feelings come up is not comfortable (obviously) but is a reminder to ourselves that we still have some healing to do.

Whatever you decide once asked is "OK". It really is YOUR choice.

[Jskell911]

Perhaps you could jump the gun and volunteer for "shifts" that would be convenient for you without taking time away from your own children? This way you can still help these neighbors but only during the hours that are not taking you away from what you want to do with your own family, instead of it being a last minute "on call" type situation.

[Dutchie]

Perhaps you could jump the gun and volunteer for "shifts" that would be convenient for you without taking time away from your own children? This way you can still help these neighbors but only during the hours that are not taking you away from what you want to do with your own family, instead of it being a last minute "on call" type situation.

This is a great idea!!
Why didn't I think of this?
I am truly grateful to you for giving me this idea.
(((HUGS))))

[Natalie]

Well, I've decided I don't want to keep up with the "Jones'". My neighbors have a hot tub, which I've never seen them use... Even if I did see them use it occasionally, I still wouldn't want a hot tub.

And, like Oprah's said: You can have everything. You just can't have it all.

Or another person, whose name i can't remember right now: You don't want everything. Where would you put it?

[Momto2Boyz]

I agree with the "shifts" idea. And earthymom is 100% right, it is your decision and you shouldn't feel bad about it if you decide not to do it. They are responsible for their own children and they need to make the decisions for care that best represent their childrens interest...does that make sense?

I am a SAHM too, and it always gets my goat, when people show up at more door with their kids when they are "stuck" for a sitter. Most of them are good kids and I don't mind having them around when their parents have an emergency, or when they call and plan it ahead of time. But I hate those parents who just show up! If I wanted to be running a daycare, I would be. Ok, can't let this turn into my own rant!

Volunteer to help and set up a schedule. This way you would be helping them out, but not overburdening yourself! Let us know how it plays out!

[PrairieRose]

You must be a very kind hearted person......it sounds like a really wonderful neighborhood that you live in as well .

I would offer to do what I am happy and comfortable with, that which won't intrude on my own life and plans too much. I feel that as human beings we do have an obligation (to a point) to help where we can but I can surely see where it's not easy for you to just drop everything and go running when this is really all about the choices they make to live the life they live. On the other hand, if she is truly a gifted dr. and truly changes/saves lives with her work it is important...what she does. Make sense? I mean if she were working behind a makeup counter somewhere (not that that isn't important work too....I love makeup!) just to be away from her children-to shirk her responsibility.......that would be different.

I so agree with volunteering for what's most convenient for you...... . But only do what you can cheerfully do.

[ubumartin]

Families make there own choices. They decided to have children and work 60+ HOURS a week. I am sorry but I would let them figure it out for themselves. Your children are essentially grown, and you made a choice to stay at home. Now it is your time to enjoy with your children and your well earned time. They sound financially able to hire some interim child care. Maybe they just might have to arrange their schedules to take care of the children on their own...like the rest of us! I guess I sound a little harsh but my husband and I work different shifts so that one of us is home with our 9 y.o. and we have done it for 18 years of children. That is what being a parent is about.

[iida]

I am in a similar situation with my brother and his two little boys. They could go to daycare, but in Finland families who don´t need daycare for children under three, get an allowance. In my brother´s case the sum is about 500€. My DB says they need the money. It makes me a little mad, because in my opinion they could be more frugal and shop less.

Anyway, my brother expects that our mother takes care of his one and five year-old- boys. My mom is retired and not in a good condition. She had a surgery a month ago and hasn´t really recovered yet. And now they both, my brother and my mom, expect that I help with this. And I do. But not willingly. It takes an hour by two buses to get there and back. I pay about 5€ for bus tickets every day I go there. I am retired too, because I have incurable cancer. I want to spend this summer with my own kids. They are 15 and 17, but still.
I don´t know what to do. My brother is a difficult person to deal with. His wife is a foreigner and doesn´t speak much Finnish. If I say that I don´t want to take care of the boys anymore, my mother has to do it. Atleas they shoud pay us, I think. I am going to bring this up tomorrow when I go there again.

I don´t have any advise for you. Except, why can´t your neighbours find another solution, like kindergarten or a paid nanny. It is too much responsibility for an au-pair, atleast if the kids are very young.

[Ceashels]

I think it would be great of you to volunteer for a shift that is convenient to you. You might be able to add some stability to the kids since it sounds as though they will be in a big transition. Perhaps being able to take them at the beginning of the day for "breakfast" will give them the opportunity to see how the morning starts with a SAHM and can impact on their decisions later in life for the positive.

It is too bad that Mom and Dad can't be there for their kids. I'm sure that if they could find an au pair sooner I'm sure they would but even that will be a huge change for the kids.

Would either or both of your teenagers be interested in approaching them with the idea that they take on the responsibility of babysitter? It would mean they get paid, the kids have someone they trust who are known and won't be shuffled from one place to another. The kids stay in their own house and have the same people watching them for the length of the au pair search. Your kids have you as a resource so if they have any questions they can be answered. This might be a win/win/win situation!

[cissylu]

Dutchie you are a very sweet person. I`d offer when I wanted .
Nut my self personally I wouldnt want to ti myself up.
good luck on your decison.

[leezza]

As much money as they make I think they should be able to come up with their own solution and not expect the neighbors to have more responsibility for their children than they do. I am still trying to figure out why these people would think that the neighbors should help them take care of there children??? From the way you explained it this is not an emergency, they just want to replace the au pair......Well good for them, you better have a back up plan because raising your children is your responsibility.

If you are really feeling under pressure????

I would offer up something like this, "I can watch them from 8:00am to 12:00pm on Mondays".....(Again if this type of thing works itself into your schedule).

You are really a nice person : )

Kind Regards,
leezza

[my4littlebuffaloes]

It sounds to me like they are kind of stuck and if they are the kind of people you say they are why wouldn't you help them out a little? I do understand about why can't they take more time for their kids, but no one could take 5 weeks at the drop of a hat. I bet it was more than just "not working out" with the old nanny. I bet something happened and they had to make a decision quick. It is good that you are thinking about this ahead of time, you might even offer to help them out instead of waiting for them to come to you. could you watch the kids one day a week until they find someone? I am sure they would pay you. Or what about your 17 year old helping them out for money for the rest of the summer? Could be a great way to make money for college. It sounds like they are trying to make the best of their situation with having kids and very important careers. Good luck!

[heartofmine]

Ohh have I been there. The first summer we lived here I was asked by our neighbors if I would watch their kids because they had waited to late and couldn't get them into a daycare. I did because I was put on a spot but it was hard. I had a 2 and 3 year old and they had a 4 and 8 year old. I had my hands full even though they were good kids.

After that every neighbor in the neighborhood that worked came and asked me to watch their kids. I had to put my foot down somewhere and just said no I'm sorry I don't do that anymore. I love kids but I enjoy spending time with my own.

Now when future grandchildren come along I'll be right there. LOL

Good luck in whatever you decide.

[angelbumpkin]

It is not your or anyone elses responsibility to raise their kids. Sorry but they had them their responsibility.

If you feel as you must help out make it on your terms and conditions.

Keep in mind your family comes first.

Good Luck on your decision.