Caring For My Parents (Need Your Advice)

**forHISglory** · 07-10-2008, 06:56 PM

I just returned from my girlfriend's holiday and it was WONDERFUL! Can't believe it is over already.

Now I am preparing to leave to care for my parents for the next 4 weeks. They live in another state, so it's a major trip. And I need your help.

Here's the facts:
1. Dad has cancer and is taking daily treatments at the hospital. He is too exhausted to drive there and back.
2. Mom can't drive due to macular degeneration. She also has 2 bad knee replacements and can't walk or stand much, and is very short of breath.
3. Both are hard of hearing.
4. Both have a great attitude and a great sense of humor. Both have a deep Christian faith.
5. Their house is very cluttery and dirty. Mom was always a casual housekeeper, but now with her sight problem, she can't see the dirt.
6. I clean house for them every time I am there, but she gets upset that I clean house.
7. Mom used to be a good cook and in many ways, she still is. But her sight problem means that many things she cooks now are not too appetizing.
8. I cook for them when I am there, but she gets upset at that, also.
9. My sisters live in the area, and have been splitting a lot of the care, but they need time for themselves and their families, also, which is why I am spending the next 4 weeks there.
10. Part of the time that I will be there, my grandchildren will also be there (long story, but can't be helped). They will actually spend the day time at my sister's house, but will sleep at my parent's house.
11. My parents are excited to have both me and the grandkids there, but I fear they will get very tired. That's why the grands will stay at Sis's.
12. They live on a farm, in the middle of no where. Weather has not been kind to them this year: ice storms in the winter took out electric for 3 days and they were stranded by snow. Flooding in spring and summer washed out their major road and its a long trip around the countryside to get anywhere.
13. We sibs would like to see them move to town, but both Mom and Dad refuse to consider it. Dad is becoming warmer to the idea, tho.
14. They are in their 80s and very independent. But that independence is rapidly fading.

OK. You just read the facts. Now......

How do I take over cleaning and cooking without seeming like I am making them into incompetent babies? I want to continue to respect them as my parents, but things are rapidly changing to where my sibs and I have to take over a lot. How do I handle my parents wanting the the grandkids at their home more during this time, even though it will wear them out? How do I keep my balance during all this? My hubby will not be there with me all the time due to other circumstances, and I always depended on him to be part of the team. How do I move back into my parent's home for 4 weeks and not turn into their little girl again?

I guess maybe these questions sound a little silly, but I just don't want anyone to feel hurt or slighted. I love my folks so much and am happy to be able to spend this time with them. I think that I will cherish this in the future, but right now, I'm feeling a little overwhelmed . Maybe I'm borrowing trouble........

**FrugalMomof3** · 07-10-2008, 07:10 PM

I would just say something like:

"You took care of me for many many years, now it's my time to help you and dad out, I dont mind cleaning, I dont mind cooking, I want you guys to be happy and relaxed, let me take care of you now!"

You are showing them appreciation for everything THEY have done for you, can't argue with that, now can we?

**AmyMCGS** · 07-10-2008, 08:17 PM

Can you approach some cleaning or decluttering tasks from the idea of making things easier for your mom? "Hey, mom, what if I moved some of the heavier stuff to the spare bedroom so it will be easier for you to sweep in the living room?" Then you're not implying that she can't clean, just that you want to make it easier when she does.

And what about bringing along some great new recipes that you're just dying to share with them? And if those recipes happen to make huge casseroles that you'd have to freeze half of for them to reheat later, well, that would just be a shame.

Ohhh... and there was that one thing, hmmm... what was it.... that you really wanted her to show you how she made it again. Maybe show you and the grandkids?

I've worked in a nursing home for almost 13 years... and my mom recently had to move my grandma into a nursing home. So I've seen a lot of these kinds of situations. Best wishes!

**heartofmine** · 07-10-2008, 08:42 PM

Great ideas. I just went through a few months of having to help my mom and dad out after my mom's stroke and now having to help with my fil after my mil and sil's deaths. It isn't easy. With my parents I had to approach things gently because my mom is not one to want any help. I just tried to include her in whatever I was doing and let her do what she could. With my fil though we've just had to set him down and say this is the way it is. My fil is a stingy stingy man to put it nicely. They lived like there wasn't a dime for the next meal all the time. There wasn't anything to cook so we've just had to take over the grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning etc. Even though he can't actually do anything we try to include him when cleaning or doing a project though just to make him think he is helping. Its just a tough situation. They don't want to give up their independence even though they just cannot manage themselves.

**Edna_E** · 07-10-2008, 08:58 PM

Boy did this bring back memories, since your 1st 3 lines are ones I might have written a decade ago. Unfortuntely, the next 2 did not apply, and it was a difficult time for all involved.

I love Amy's ideas with regard to sharing recipes and asking your Mom to teach you how to make (whatever you want). I also think the housekeeping ideas would work with many people, though they would not have with my Mom. In my Mom's case, I tried to manipulate things to do intense cleaning while she was out with my sister or asleep, because she thinks if she can't see dirt, nothing is dirty - and she also has MG. While she has been in nursing homes during this last year we have cleaned carpets (for the first time in 20+ years), I've stripped the tile floors all the way down to the tile using ammonia (also kind of stripped the lining of my esophogas so I'd recommend using something else or having a fan to help ventilate), emptied and cleaned her closet and rebuilt the shelves and rods which were literally collapsing, totally emptied and cleaned out and cleaned surfaces of kitchen and bathroom cabinets and pantry, moved and cleaned all around her platform bed (and under too), and took down all drapes and got them cleaned. She is totally unaware of any of it other than the repairs to her closet, but my sisters and I are much more comfortable about her circumstances. I guess the jist of this is, if you have to sneak, then sneak. You're doing it to help, not just to get by with something.

Best of luck, and my prayers will be with you!

**forHISglory** · 07-10-2008, 09:52 PM

Thanks!
Your answers REALLY help. I can soooooo identify with Edna_E's descriptions. And I appreciate how you would word some of this. Choosing the right word is imperative to having the right atmosphere.

I appreciate you all. I may be sporadic about posting while I am gone, but will check in as I can.

Thanks again.

**frugalfoster** · 07-10-2008, 10:57 PM

It's hard when there is role reversal between child and parent. I vote for the idea of telling them that you want them to try a new recipe or that you would like to get yet another lesson on how she cooks something....so would she just come into the kitchen and watch you do it and tell you how she does it!

She'll probably figure out what you're up to..but hopefully she won't let on. Regardless...take these four weeks and relish the time you have with them. At their age there won't be that many opportunities to spend time with them like this. You're lucky you still have them...I wish I did..

**ktsmama** · 07-11-2008, 08:59 AM

Originally Posted by FrugalMomof3

I would just say something like:

"You took care of me for many many years, now it's my time to help you and dad out, I dont mind cleaning, I dont mind cooking, I want you guys to be happy and relaxed, let me take care of you now!"

You are showing them appreciation for everything THEY have done for you, can't argue with that, now can we?

My thoughts exactly.

As for the grandchildren, could you have maybe one over per day? This way would allow your parents to see them and spoil them with special time of their own.

Good luck. I'll say a prayer for you and your parents.

**rachelj** · 07-11-2008, 09:22 AM

Do they qualify for medicaid? That could help with transporting your father to the hospital.

I know I will be looked as heartless but has anyone approached the subject of an assisted living place? They could have their own living place and cook breakfast but lunch and supper could be out with others and there are a lot of recreational activities as well. This way they still have their freedom but yet are in a safer environment. My grandfather lived in a place like this for quite a while and truly enjoyed it. The home that he lived in for oh, 40 years oh so had become a totally unsafe environment - he had been robbed. He moved to an apt. then he had a stroke and moved in with my parents for several years and then b/c he was doing well (and Mom and Dad needed a break) he went to the assisted living place.

Dh's grandpa never went to an assisted living place. His children did everything to keep them out of nursing homes. He would have loved the socialness of the assisted living place as it gives a lot of freedoms as well. He always complained that no one came to see him.

Just putting that out there...

**forHISglory** · 07-11-2008, 10:59 AM

RachelJ,
Your thoughts on assisted living have been our exact thoughts! It's not heartless at all. In fact, my parents visited a place to see what it was like. Dad liked it and Mom was less than enthused. I think my father has a clearer vision of what the future will be like. Mom is emotionally attached to the farm where they live. Her grandparents homesteaded the place and her parents designed and built the house that Mom and Dad now live in. As infirmities continue to creep up on them, I think Mom will become more willing to consider change. My sibs and I are still looking for the respectful and appropriate way to urge them to move.

**Ceashels** · 07-11-2008, 11:37 AM

I would also consider assisted living. Perhaps having a full time or daytime caregiver come to them instead of them moving?
This person would have light cleaning duties, 4-5 hours of each day. The evenings would be free for your folks to spend together but the brunt of the housekeeping and cooking would be done. It would be marvelous if there is someone local who would be looking for a part time job when their kids are in school who is mature enough to be dependable and trustworthy.

I can understand why it would be so difficult for your Mom to leave the farm. It has been such a major part of her life.

Hugs to you.

**rachelj** · 07-11-2008, 12:50 PM

ForHisglory,

My only caution would be to move sooner than later. Your parents ability to adapt to a new surrounding will only decrease with age - as well as their need for more assistance will increase beyond assisted living environments.

This is how dh's grandpa was. He didn't want to move so dh's mom and 2 sisters stayed with them 24/7. Then the moved them into one of their homes. They (grandpa and grandma) were very immobile and a lot of physical labor. He is now in a nursing home b/c he would need too much care for an assisted living place. Altho when all of this started he would have really enjoyed assisted living but couldn't convince him of it.

Is there any way that the house/farmstead can be passed on/rented out to one of their grandchildren so that your mom can feel like it is staying in the family?

Make the move before it is too late.

**FrugalWitch** · 07-11-2008, 02:06 PM

Assisted living is very expensive, so are private sitters. Can your parents move in with some of their children who live nearby? Can an adult child move in with them? No it's not ideal, but losing every scrap of life savings and home to pay for care isn't ideal either.

You're in a tough situation, but you are very lucky and Blessed to have siblings who can and will help out.

Sometimes it's best to quietly clean and declutter while they are asleep. Believe me the daily fights get old quick!

My thoughts and best wishes are with you.

**PrairieRose** · 07-11-2008, 07:42 PM

I know you've already gotten so many great ideas....but I would like to add.....

.... I'd just say 'Mom you know I can't sit still and I really like to clean, so just go and get your book and let me have my fun'. (then throw a few pieces of clutter like magazines that you know they won't miss, when they're not looking...

) The same with cooking, I love the idea of saying I have some new recipes that I want to try. I'd also try the 'Mom I need you to sit and walk me through how to make such and such.....I've never mastered it like your's and I just know I'm missing something (like how you make your meringue so tall, etc....). Maybe if she thinks she's doing you a favor she'll be more willing......HTH

**suki** · 07-11-2008, 07:58 PM

Originally Posted by forHISglory

RachelJ,
Your thoughts on assisted living have been our exact thoughts! It's not heartless at all. In fact, my parents visited a place to see what it was like. Dad liked it and Mom was less than enthused. I think my father has a clearer vision of what the future will be like. Mom is emotionally attached to the farm where they live. Her grandparents homesteaded the place and her parents designed and built the house that Mom and Dad now live in. As infirmities continue to creep up on them, I think Mom will become more willing to consider change. My sibs and I are still looking for the respectful and appropriate way to urge them to move.

I worked in Assisted Living and saw this a lot. I would suggest seeing if the Assisted Living facility has a respite program. Many folks found they loved the communal living once they actually were there. Fear is the biggest factor in avoiding the move. Often, these assisted living places are like mini-resorts or land cruises. There are activities, good food, socialization, etc. I had several folks come in for a few weeks and decide to come back permanently. Maybe suggest they do so temporarily while he's receiving treatment.