Some funny jokes

[hwmabire3]

I know there's a "bad" joke thread, but I actually thought some of these were pretty good. (There is no profanity, but the subject matter in some of them is a bit...interesting.)

Betty and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Betty pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What on Earth is that?

Betty: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Betty: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of
condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter, Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted

[Russ]

too funny!

[frugalandsimple]

That is funny!

[Kaos Kitty]

Just called my "senior citizen" mom - she thought it was pretty funny.

[hwmabire3]

Riding the Bus

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

[hwmabire3]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get that jar open."

[hwmabire3]

A policeman noticed a car traveling at about 25mph on the highway. Since the speed limit was 70, this car was causing a lot of problems, so he pulled the car over. Inside was an elderly woman driver, with 3 elderly women passengers. The policeman noticed that the passengers were shaking, and white faced, and figured that they were nervous, and that is why they were driving so slow, but he thought he better ask anyway.

"Ma'am," he says to the driver, "why were you traveling so slowly?"

"Well, officer," she said, "the sign back there said 25, so I am traveling the speed limit."

The officer had to cover his smile. He said, "Ma'am, that's not the speed limit sign, that's the sign that tells you what road you are traveling on!"

One of the women in the back seat let out a cry, and the policeman said, "What's wrong?"

"Officer," said the woman, her eyes wide, "We just got off of Rt. 123!"

[hwmabire3]

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart
.... nice children you've got there - are they twins?"

The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins?........ Do you really think they look alike?"

"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"

[hwmabire3]

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food."
The panda yells back, "Hey, man, I'm a panda. Look it up!"
The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: "A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

[hwmabire3]

Mr Smith took his Mother to live in a new Care Home.

On the first day a carer went in to Mrs Smith's room and found her in her chair leaning to the left. The carer sat her up and continued on her rounds.

On the second day the carer checked on Mrs Smith again and found her once again in her chair but leaning to the right, so she sat her up again as she had the day before.

On the third day Mr Smith came to visit and asked his Mother how she liked her new Care Home...

"Oh, it's OK," She said ", but they don't allow you to fart" !

[hwmabire3]

A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT

They were together in the house,
just the two of them.
It was a cold, dark, stormy night.
The storm had come quickly and
each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump.

She looked across the room and admired his strong
appearance...and wished that he would take her in
his arms, comfort her and protect her from the storm.

Suddenly, with a pop, the power went out... She screamed...
He raced to the sofa where she was cowering.
He didn't hesitate to pull her into his arms.
He knew this was a forbidden union and
expected her to pull back.

He was surprised when she didn't resist but instead clung to him.

The storm raged on...

They knew it was wrong...

Their families would never understand. So consumed were
they in their fear that they heard no opening
of doors...just the faint click of a camera......
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[hwmabire3]

No offense to all the blondes...

A business man sits on a bus reading the newspaper with the headline "12 Brazilain soldiers killed."

A blond sitting across from his looks very sad and asks the man, "How many is in a Brazilian?"

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A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.

The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, 'I've had enough of this'. She disappears downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says 'The dog is still barking... What have you been doing?'

The blonde says, 'I put the dog in OUR backyard; let's see how THEY like it!'

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Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana . The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"
One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered...

"YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!?!"

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A blond dyed her hair brown because she was tired of being picked on.
She was driving along the countryside when she got a bright idea and stopped at a nearby farm.
She said to the farmer "If I can tell you how many sheep you have in total can I have one?"
"OK" said the farmer, so she quickly counted them and said 91. The farmer looked around astonished and said "Alright take one"
As she was walking back to her car the farmer said "If I can guess your natural hair colour can I have my dog back?"

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