Irresponsible Adult Kid (WARNING - RANT!)

[suebeehoney]

(Fair warning. This post is LONG and is pretty much just a rant. I apologize in advance. After I wrote this, I realized how long it was...but I just needed to vent so badly today that this was the best place for me to do it. Please forgive me if it rambles or jumps around a lot. I'm upset and just need to get this out.)

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I swear, sometimes I wonder if DD20 fell off a wagon going by the house instead of coming from me. She's SO unlike me - or her dad - that it just seems impossible that she shares DNA with either of us at times.

I gave her an ultimatum at age 18, after she had failed nearly 4 years of high school almost completely, and would require another 2 years of very hard work to make up all the credits she had lost in order to graduate. I told her she either knuckled down and graduated, or she dropped out, got a GED, a job, a car, and then moved out. I told her I was NOT supporting her, nor was it fair for her to expect her dad to continue to pay child support because SHE wasn't doing the work required to graduate on time. She chose to drop out of school. She doesn't have any learning disabilities or any other handicaps that would make learning difficult for her. She is lazy, plain and simple.

Let me stop and say that I love her more than life itself, as all parents love their children. But I am being realistic here, and admitting that I have a child that has turned out to be much less than I had hoped for her whole life.

She moved out at 18 (after getting a GED, but NOT getting a job or car) and moved in with her dad in another state, many hundreds of miles away. She sponged off him completely. She got a part time minimum wage job, blew all her money, and refused to learn to drive. She intentionally failed the written driver's test twice, at a cost of $60 each time (her dad paid). Her dad drove her across 5 states to pick up a guy she met on the internet and let him move in with them in his house. (And yes, I totally chewed him out on that one.) Her dad bought them a car, bought a guitar and amp for the boyfriend, supplied food, money for clothes, and a roof over their heads - all without any repayment. They wrecked the car, so he co-signed to get them a new one with a personal finance company at a very high interest rate. (Stupid.) They came to visit me for my parents' 50th wedding anniversary as a surprise to my parents....left for a few days and then ended up back on my doorstep saying they didn't have the money to get back home. All their clothing and belongings were back in the other state. They stayed with me for 2 months, after which I booted them - they tried to get jobs, with no luck. (I sometimes wonder if they really tried that hard, given recent developments.) I would come home to find the house a mess, and them with a friend over or they'd be gone somewhere. I'd had enough.


They went from my house to the boyfriend's mom's apartment in yet another state. After a month, they moved into their own apartment, and I was thinking maybe they had finally grown up and started taking responsibility. Wrong. The boyfriend's mom has so far:

• paid their full rent twice (once his brother paid it)
• paid the security deposit so they could have a cat
• paid to have the cat fixed & declawed
• bought 90% of the furnishings for their apartment
• bought them food when they said they didn't have money
• cashed out her stock in the store she works for to pay their bills (his brother did the same thing)
• emptied her savings account to pay their bills

I find this sort of enabling behavior troublesome. His mom has finally tapped out all of her resources to help them - and yet they came back to her last week asking for money because they couldn't pay their rent. To top it all off, they allowed another "friend" from the internet to move in with them, along with his fiancee and 18-month old baby. This 'friend' is just as irresponsible as they are - he got his first paycheck from his job, and went out and bought an electric guitar and amp, instead of clothing/food for his baby, or putting money towards an apartment of their own. The management of the apartment complex says the "guests" have to be out by August 1 - and yet he goes out and buys a guitar?

Both DD and her boyfriend have fast-food jobs, which DD20 has managed to do something to get her hours cut back to almost nothing, so she's been working like 6 hours a week lately, and sitting on her butt at the apartment the rest of the time, not making any effort to do anything to make more money. The friend that moved in has a fast-food job as well, but his girlfriend does not.

Whenever I talk to her, DD tells me that everything is fine, they are keeping up on their bills, money is tight, but they're making it, etc. However, recently, her phone calls have turned to needing food for everyone in the house and going to food banks. I have gone as far as making up a SMALL box of dry goods (canned spaghetti sauce & pasta, Hamburger Helper, mac N cheese & dry soup mix), which only cost me about $5, which I will send to them, but that is all the help I am willing to give, though it hurts to know they are without food - but it angers me more to know they are without food due to their own irresponsibility. She lies to me at every turn, telling me how her job problems are someone else's fault, how her 'friends' were just there for a visit (she knew they were there to stay from day one), how all bills are being paid, but their cable & phone got turned off (she said that SHE requested they be turned off to save money-boyfriend's mom said he called her and told her it was turned off for nonpayment). It's hard to take that your child thinks you're stupid and naive enough to believe everything she says when you know darn well she's lying about almost everything.

I have decided to include a letter with the food box I am sending, letting them know that this the first and last box of food I will be sending. I will be letting them know that I know more than they are telling me, and that I am done listening to the lies. I will be letting them know that they are NOT to show up on my doorstep if and when they get evicted, expecting me to take them in due to their irresponsible actions. I cannot stop them from taking advantage of other family members (on her dad's side), but I can stop them from doing it to me. They will most likely read the first few lines, then throw the letter away, but at least I will have said my piece.

I now realize that DD and her boyfriend are simply using everyone they can possibly use in order to NOT have to take responsibility for themselves and their own actions. They have totally screwed up their credit (expensive cell phones that they keep getting and not paying the bills on, so when they get turned off, they go pay a $200 deposit to another cell phone company to get a new phone and repeat the cycle all over again).

I hope that DD20 and her boyfriend do NOT get pregnant. In fact, though I know this is harsh, I don't think she should have children at all, given her irresponsibility at this point in life. I still hold a faint hope that some day, somehow, she will grow up and get on the right track. At that point, children would be fine - but right now? NO. Her boyfriend gets angry at the cat and throws it or hits it - if I were close enough, I would take the cat away. What would happen to a baby that screams and cries, as babies do - sometimes you can't seem to do anything to make them stop, and you become frustrated and upset - what would happen then?? I shudder to think.

It has been a hard thing to come to terms with - admitting that the child you gave birth to, raised, tried to teach right from wrong, tried to teach personal responsibility to....has turned out to be absolutely the opposite of everything you taught them, and not only that - has taken up with people who are exactly the same. I have no hope of her ever changing her ways if she doesn't wake up soon. Both I and the boyfriend's mom are worried there are drugs and alcohol involved as well. We're almost certain of it.

I'm afraid one day my daughter will simply disappear, and I will not know what has happened. They are on the verge of being evicted from their apartment if they don't get their 'friends' out of there soon and pay their rent on time. They can't sweet-talk their way out of this one, and there will be no one to rescue them. I can't. His mom can't. Her dad can't (but he might if she begs him enough, because he has in the past).

My one other big concern is that she just lost her grandma on her dad's side a few months ago, to cancer. I fear she may try to get her grandpa to let them move in with him on the premise that he's lonely and needs company - she's said that on the phone to me a few times - that she's worried about how lonely he is. It scares me to think that she would be so uncaring and callous as to take advantage of the man who just lost his life-long companion to cancer.

I'm sorry for the long post. I'm just so upset and worried about her right now. She is not acting like the person I raised right now. I'm not really looking for advice - I just needed to get this off my chest and kind of vent a bit. Please just keep a thought and prayer in mind for them - and for me - as I wait to see what bomb is going to drop next regarding this situation.

[Cricketlegs]

As a Mom I know how much you are hurting. I don't have your situation but I know how hard it is to say no to a child you love and want to protect and take care of.

I feel so bad for you.

sigh

[Michelle68]

This has to be so disappointing for you. When our children are little, we have such high hopes for them and we try our best to teach them right from wrong so that they grow up to be mature, responsible adults. There comes a time though when we can't do anymore. They reach a point where the decisions they make are theirs alone as are the mistakes.

You have done your best to ensure your daughter is a good and moral person. You've been there for her, taught her values and have been a good example to her. Unfortunately, she has chosen a different life path. And it has been her choice. Now all you can do is sit back and hope that she someday will acquire the wisdom to see that her actions are hurting herself and others and will turn things around. Until that time, you worry because you are a mother and you love her so much.

There's not much advice I can give you about this because I think you're doing the right thing by not enabling her or her deadbeat boyfriend. I know it must be so hard to watch her mess up her life. Sending lots of hugs and good thoughts your way and saying a little prayer for your daughter that she'll remember all you've taught her and become the person you know she can be.


--Michelle

[Nishu]

Hang in there Mama, you're doing the right thing by cutting her off but it's probably going to get worse before it gets better.

[yankeegal]

What a difficult situation for you!

You are doing the right thing by not enabling her any longer. She is not a child anymore. She is a grown adult that needs to start taking some responsibility for herself.

Vent all you want!!

[forHISglory]

Your emotions must be a tangle by now: worry, hurt, confusion, anger, love, concern....

Yet..... she will not starve. She may get hungry, but hunger can teach lessons. She will not lack for a place to lay down her head. It may not be where you want her to lay, but this, too, can teach a lesson.

One of the hardest things to do in life is watch someone that you love fall apart. It seems as if that is where you are now, and I'm so sorry.

Finally, please recall the story of the prodigal son in Scripture. The father let him go, and only when he sank to the bottom, did the son look up. The father then welcomed him back home.

I encourage you to follow the example of the father. Let her go and experience the dregs of life. And then be ready to welcome her with open arms when she is ready for forgiveness.

[chris w]

Reading your post it was almost like my niece and my son. They are 19 and 18 and both don't have jobs and my son hasn't graduated yet. He assures me he will but we will wait (will not hold my breath) and see what happens. It is so frustrating that these kids don't think of others. My niece as been diagnosed as bipolar and that seems to fit. Both of these kids are intelligent, so that isn't the problem. Hang in there and what you are doing is the correct why to handle it.

[forHISglory]

Forgot to add that I'll be praying for you.

[azangie]

Good for you!!! I know how hard this can be because I've had to do it. I felt like such a failure.......

Before I knew everything that was happening and it was killing me. Now at least I don't know.

I have to keep remembering, he won't starve, he can take care of himself. I just don't need to know what's going on.

Keep going, you're doing the right thing!!!

[Jamauk]

I'll keep you and your family in my thoughts.

[jamie79]

[MomToTwoBoys]

:

I want to let you know that I am proud of you for taking a stand against what your DD has been doing and may continue to do in the future. She sort of reminds me of my sister and it took my sister 29 years to figure out that that lifestyle is not the right lifestyle. 29 years and three kids later, she's realizing that what she's been doing to people all these years has put her in the position to have no one to count on and no one to be able to help her out when she really needs it.

It would be really great if our children could turn out the way that we want them to and we can only do so much to help them go into the right direction. Sadly the only way that human nature learns from its mistakes is a really hard reality check. People who really want to help someone out need to let them learn for themselves what it's like when things go wrong and mistakes happen. I think you're doing a fantastic job in starting down that road with your DD.

[IamBlessed]

Finally, please recall the story of the prodigal son in Scripture. The father let him go, and only when he sank to the bottom, did the son look up. The father then welcomed him back home.

I encourage you to follow the example of the father. Let her go and experience the dregs of life. And then be ready to welcome her with open arms when she is ready for forgiveness.

I agree wholeheartedly with forHISglory. Also, please remember the following scripture:

Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6

So, the Bible assures us that if we raise our kids right that they will come back to their raising. I count that as a promise and claim it! I have a son right now that I am claiming that verse for.

Hugs and prayers are with you and claiming that God will open your daughter's eyes and help her grow in maturity.

[Darlene]

I'm sorry.
You're right when you say "I cannot stop them from taking advantage of other family members (on her dad's side), but I can stop them from doing it to me."
Only person you can have any control of or make change to is you, just as they are the only ones that can change their behavior. She may wake up and see the light someday, a decision to make better choices but alas, sadly, one you may never see her make.
Best thing you or any other family member can do for her is what your doing, tough love.
I hope she changes, never say never. Wishing you some peace with this, you've done what you can, now it's up to her.
I'm so sorry but please don't let this take over your life. That would make a bad situation worse. Even though it's sad, it is what it is. Ball is in her court, her life is her own.
You go ahead and live your life knowing that you've done what you can and move on. Life is for living, not for woulda coulda shoulda's. Enjoy yours.

[magnolia]

forHISglory and Michelle68 gave such good advice. I just wanted to chime in with hugs and support that I too think you are doing the right thing.