When In-Law's attack...

[AmyMCGS]

I totally get how you feel. It drives me crazy when my in-laws give the kids something I've already said they can't have... in my case it's usually treats (cookies, candy) and then I wind up looking like the "meanie". I could write a whole thread on that little trick- ugh. But anyways, I get it, I understand that when they jump in and change the boundaries you've already established it's frustrating.

That said, though, I agree with many others- I'd accept the backpack or whatever and put it away for later when he needs it. Or, let him choose which one to use- just talk about the fact that Grandma enjoyed buying this for him, and it's a gift, so that's different from deciding on his own that he needed it.

[IntlMom]

do what i do, when someone does that to me, even though i have asked them not to, then i save what they sent. then when what i have wears out, or needs to be replaced, then i have something for a backup. then if she asks about it, you can tell her what you are doing. that way, you are not really putting your ds in the middle. because you know that she is going to ask you ds if he got her backpack that she sent. and this way he will not have to lie.

this works for me.

I like this idea too

[Michelle]

do what i do, when someone does that to me, even though i have asked them not to, then i save what they sent. then when what i have wears out, or needs to be replaced, then i have something for a backup. then if she asks about it, you can tell her what you are doing. that way, you are not really putting your ds in the middle. because you know that she is going to ask you ds if he got her backpack that she sent. and this way he will not have to lie.

this works for me.

I think this is a good idea. You please your mil, you get to teach your ds to accept gifts graciously (even when he doesn't need whatever it is), and you get replacement supplies for when ds *does* need new stuff.

I totally understand where you're coming from Sarah. I can see my fil doing something similar...I can't remember offhand, but I know he's done something like this in the past after I asked him not to.

[heartofmine]

Hey I've just thought of something. Think of this as another stockpile item. It will be there when he needs it.

[dancar3]

I completely understand what you are trying to teach your children......be frugal and not spend money on unnecessary items. At the same token, after talking w/ the inlaws about this and perhaps making a suggestion on something maybe they could use instead, I would accept anything they gave. It is at that point that is up to you and your children what you do with it whether you give it away or save it for the near future. Btw, I am very envious....I wish my inlaws did things like that!

[elphie]

I don't think what you are really concerned with in this situation is the backpack or the lunchbox. It is the values you are trying to instill in your child. I don't think your mil is really concerned with if he gets these things but wants to feel like a part of his life, especially since it sounds like you don't live near each other if she is sending these things to you. I think you should count yourself lucky that she wants to be so involved and isn't dismissing your family just because you are better at managing finances than others might be because my kids were very much ingnored by my in-laws because they "didn't need them like the other kids did."

I would have a talk with her explaining that you are so glad she wants him to be excited about school and wants him to have new things. I would then ask her if she would like to help in another way that is more fitting with your values and offer suggestions. Perhaps she would like to buy a magazine subscription or books for the library for ds's class. I would also make non-monetary suggestions as I have had several discussions with my mom that I don't want her to always feel the need to buy my kids something or feed them to show them love. I want them to value her for her wisdom, time, and love, not what she can give them.

I disagree with those who think it is a grandparent's right to buy kids things that don't fit with the values parents are trying to instill. Yes, when my kids visit my parents some of the rules are different but they are the ones that we have agreed won't have a lasting impression on the core values we are trying to teach (eg: no bedtime at grandma and grandpa's is okay because they know they have one at home and this doesn't change the core of who they are or what they believe).

Above all... remain calm, remember she is trying to be helpful and if she doesn't come around just do as some other poster's suggested and put the backpack away for when you need it. In my experience when those straps break in the middle of the year it is a lot harder to find a backpack at all much less a good deal.

ETA: I recently lost my mil and was tempted to write to accept these things while you can BUT I don't think you should compromise your values because this person won't always be there. That fact should play a part in how you talk with and try to understand her but not necessarily in how you ultimatley handle the situation.

[frugalnana]

I agree with Moor. Just keep it as backup.

[Ali Lee]

the line I read several times ""so she wants to be fair, so she's doing all the kids"" something like that....not quoting word for word.....
bless her heart--she's showing no favoritism and buying for all. Good gr'ma, yes indeed, good gr'ma.

[WV_mom_of2]

I'm on the fence on this one. First I should say that I think grandparents are a wonderful part of a child's life. Without mine I don't know where I might have ended up or what kind of person I might have become. They weren't the buying kind. They were the kind that read you stories, let you tag along no matter where they were going, taught you to bake, cook, put up hay, garden, build a birdhouse,etc. I'm all for grandparents and wish my kids had better ones.

That being said, I don't think a grandparent has the "right" to go against a parent's wishes. My mil tries to do this and it annoys the crap out of me. I say two cookies is enough before dinner, she says no it's not, have two more! I say "no you can't do that"(or have that) and she says "oh yes you can....do it(or have it)!" She even told my kids to say to me "oh MOTHER" whenever I tell them something they don't like! She thinks because she gave birth to dh she has a right to over ride me with MY kids!

Over the last 17 years I've learned to pick the battles with her. For the most part, I ignore her and have nothing to do with her. She wants to be grandma to the kids about 4 days out of the year and the rest of the time she doesn't know they exist. I do not ever compromise my values where she is concerned. She started as soon as she found out I was pregnant with my first.

She was going to buy the car seat, crib, etc. but she HAD to pick them out. NOPE!

SHE was going to pay for the curtains for the nursery......send her the bill. Didn't happen!

She would come down and arrange the nursery for me.........Ummmm sorry, NO!

When you find out I'm pregnant with your grandchild and say to your son "oh well, it happens to all married couples at some point" you don't get much input as far as I'm concerned!

I think you need a way to keep your point of view and stick to what you are trying to teach your ds but at the same time keep the peace for your ds's sake. He has a grandma who loves him, wants to be part of his life, wants to participate in things like school shopping,etc. He's lucky!

I saw two suggestions that I liked and would choose from......

1. I would accept the gifts and let her know that while he doesn't need them now, you will put them up for future use.

or I would explain that he doesn't need the items but suggest something he does need ( I don't remember who suggested this but I LOVE the idea!) It shouldn't matter to her what she buys as long as the money she spends is about even on each child.

Let us know what you decide to do! I'm with you that a grandma doesn't have a right to over ride your wishes, but feel that maybe some type of compromise can be made that makes everyone happy!

Hugs!