How to tell a friend that you're feeling ignored & left out without sounding jealous?

**frugalandsimple** · 07-27-2008, 04:17 PM

She seems to be able to carry on conversations with other people just fine, including my parents. She's a family friend and about my age. That's why it's hard if I did break the friendship. My mom would be questioning me why I wasn't hanging out with her anymore so it's a big reason I want this friendship to work. Besides, she also lives quite close to me and my sister doesn't. My sister does the same thing too and it hurts. When it comes to me, 90% of the time, she will only talk to me if I initate the conversation and doesn't say much. Sometimes, she'll answer with a "yeah" or "I don't know" I want to get to know her better but it like I'm wasting my time with the responses she gives me. Yesterday, it really got to me. It was late and she was drunk. I was trying to ask her a question and she yelled "I can't hear you" I was like whatever, because her parents were sitting right next to me and were talking to each other just fine. I bottled up my tears when she said that because I knew it was a lie.

For example, she and her BF stopped by because he was helping my dad to fix something. If I didn't initate the contact, I was ignored almost the whole time but she did make conversation to my mom. (I still live with my parents)

**MTS04** · 07-28-2008, 02:33 AM

She's a family friend. It doesn't seem like she's your friend. Personally I'd say cut your ties and run. No reason to keep trying to be a friend to someone who doesn't want to be.

When your mom asks why you don't socialize, simply state "I'm not comfortable around X" Simply said. You won't have to try to initiate conversation and you can move on. I'm sure there are other people who live close to you that have similar interests or backgrounds. So, devote your time and energy to finding and befriending them.

Lastly, by the one sentence "It was late and she was drunk" -- Is that really the type of person you want to associate with? Or was this "drunk" a one time thing?

**frugalandsimple** · 07-28-2008, 02:48 AM

Originally Posted by mythreesons2004

Lastly, by the one sentence "It was late and she was drunk" -- Is that really the type of person you want to associate with? Or was this "drunk" a one time thing?

She gets drunk every weekend. On the other hand, I'm not one to do that, get drunk. Not my thing.

**cmdarlin** · 07-28-2008, 07:42 AM

Its hard to keep up a friendship when its only one sided. And if getting drunk is a weekly occurance, I too wouldn't want to be around that. I have family that act like that toward me and I've gotten to the point where I just keep to myself. I hate it cause there are times I would love to have a close friend to talk to and do things with.

Debbie

**FrugalMomof3** · 07-28-2008, 08:05 AM

Sounds to me like she is a family friend, and not necessarily your friend, gosh that sounded harsh. Maybe she's too caught up in the boyfriend thing or on herself to even care about making/having friends.

Seems to me you want to be her friend more than anything but maybe you should take your friendship and give it to someone more eager to be YOUR friend.

I'll be your friend!

**LuvMyHubby** · 07-28-2008, 08:32 AM

I would cultivate friends to be close to and have a good time with and still be cordial and civil to her but not go out of my way to tie myself in knots over her rather rude behavior. If your mother asks simply say that while she is a friend, she not a friend with whom you are close to and you do not share her desire to get drunk every weekend, I would assume a surely hope that you mom would be more interested in your happiness that that of a family friend.

**Darlene** · 07-28-2008, 08:45 AM

Originally Posted by LuvMyHubby

I would cultivate friends to be close to and have a good time with and still be cordial and civil to her but not go out of my way to tie myself in knots over her rather rude behavior. If your mother asks simply say that while she is a friend, she not a friend with whom you are close to and you do not share her desire to get drunk every weekend, I would assume a surely hope that you mom would be more interested in your happiness that that of a family friend.

Time for making some new friends, true friends you have things in common with. It's more than ok to do this. You are an adult now and are supposed to move towards what makes YOU happy and not just cling to the past for other peoples sake, Mom included. Not sure how old you are but moving out on your own asap would help you towards that independence. Lots of nice people and opportunities out there for growth and fun.
Go ahead & do what brings you joy, life is to short to do anything less.

**Frugal Nurse** · 07-28-2008, 08:53 AM

How to tell a friend that you're feeling ignored & left out without sounding jealous

Well.. First - I don't think she's your friend. Friends don't treat friends like that.
Second - no love lost based on what you said
Third - no friend, no love - therefore no jealousy
Fourth - time to move on. I agree with advice given here. Cut your loses.

We all have people in our lives that just don't mesh with us. I simply treat them EXACTLY the way they treat me.
(Dh's daighter comes to mind with that (same scenerio you described).. phhht. I have better things to do)

FIFTH! I'LL BE YOUR FRIEND!!! I like you!!
Wanna be my friend!?

Who else wants to be F+S's friend!

Sign up now.

**suebeehoney** · 07-28-2008, 09:06 AM

OOH! ME ME ME! LOL

She gets drunk every weekend. On the other hand, I'm not one to do that, get drunk. Not my thing.

Wow...can I identify with THAT one. Where I work, there are cliques - if you don't belong, you are alone. I'm alone.

I don't drink much at all - I have a bottle of wine in the fridge I bought about 4 months ago, and it's still unopened. I might have about 4 glasses of wine in one year. So I don't belong to the drinker clique.

I'm not financially well-off, so I don't belong to the rich-girl clique.

I'm not thin/blonde/go out drinking with the boys/have sex with anything that moves - so I don't belong to that clique either (thank God!).

I wasn't born/raised in this area, so I don't belong to that clique either, and can't carry on a conversation about people that have lived here forever. (Amazing how a matter of about 30 miles can make that difference.)

I try not to gossip, so I don't belong to that clique. My recent outlook has been "if I don't talk, they can't talk about me!"

To be honest, there is only one other person I work with who I consider even something of a friend - but she belongs to at least two of the cliques named above (the drinking one and the living in this county one), so we've sort of grown apart. She's never asked me to go shopping or anything like that with her. She invited me to her Halloween party she has every year, and we went once - and though the kids had a blast, the adults ignored me, so I sat there watching the kids play. I don't think we'll go again.

I'm the only single parent on my floor - or to be honest, in the entire office building. And there are over 100 employees in that building. So I don't fit in with the married crowd, and after having to say several times "I don't have the money, sorry" when asked to join in on lunches, etc., they don't ask anymore. (Which I understand.) Trust me, that gets tiresome.

It hurts to be excluded and left out. But sometimes, it's for the best.

Do you really WANT to be this person's friend, if you sit down and really think about it? Do you want to be a drinker? Does she model the lifestyle that you want to have?

The only way I've been able to deal with the hurt and yes, slight jealousy that I sometimes feel when I'm excluded from things that go on with the cliques at work, is to throw myself into my work, spend time with my kids/family/pets and find other ways to occupy my time.

A friend is only a true friend if they are interested in YOU - not what you can do for them.

**IamBlessed** · 07-28-2008, 09:55 AM

Originally Posted by suebeehoney

It hurts to be excluded and left out. But sometimes, it's for the best.

Do you really WANT to be this person's friend, if you sit down and really think about it?

A friend is only a true friend if they are interested in YOU - not what you can do for them.

It's her loss if she can't put herself out there in a gesture of friendship...not yours.

**Frugal Nurse** · 07-28-2008, 10:24 AM

Suebeehoney said: try not to gossip, so I don't belong to that clique. My recent outlook has been "if I don't talk, they can't talk about me!"

You know.. I ALWAYS thought that. "if they're talking about her and her and her... it would make sense that when I'm not around.. they're talking about me"
I wondered if I was paranoid!!
MIL does that - and dh doesn't seem to understand why I don't like talking with her. I don't want to give her anything to fuel her gossip to the next person. (course she gossips about how unsocial I am LOL!)

Sorry... didn't mean to highjack.

Carryon

**AmyMCGS** · 07-28-2008, 10:48 AM

I think if I were you I'd say a polite hello, get myself busy talking to other people in the room, and try not worry about it. I think everyone has some friends who are really just aquaintances- there are people I smile and exchange a few words with when we bump into each other, but we don't have a deep personal relationship. (People like some coworkers, some neighbors, etc.)

If your mom asks, tell her that you two don't really have any common interests... that's the truth. You're not interested in drinking and being rude, and she's not interested in being a good friend and having a good time without drinking.

**frugalandsimple** · 07-28-2008, 02:46 PM

Originally Posted by suebeehoney

Do you really WANT to be this person's friend, if you sit down and really think about it? Do you want to be a drinker? Does she model the lifestyle that you want to have?

A friend is only a true friend if they are interested in YOU - not what you can do for them.

Honestly, the kind of lifestyle that she has is not the kind I want to live. No way! The only main thing we have common is we're both frugal.

Originally Posted by FrugalMomof3

Sounds to me like she is a family friend, and not necessarily your friend, gosh that sounded harsh. Maybe she's too caught up in the boyfriend thing or on herself to even care about making/having friends.

Seems to me you want to be her friend more than anything but maybe you should take your friendship and give it to someone more eager to be YOUR friend.

I'll be your friend!

Yeah. I'm sending her a letter on how I feel left out and ignored. If she doesn't want to be my friend, it's her loss. I don't want to contiue this mostly one-sided friendship any longer. Too emotionally draining. If she calls me & invites me over then I will.