When Friends Change

**mikandmari** · 08-18-2008, 05:01 PM

I'm hoping that maybe someone on here can relate to this... and maybe share some stories about friendships that have changed?

I've had a good friend for many many years. Lately she has been acting different towards me. She's become disagreeable, and somewhat competitive. I don't know what has brought this on... I've been beating my brain over it, and I don't think I've changed or done anything to make her act this way.

My dh thinks it may be her other friends: she's been socializing more with a different crowd. They are a fun bunch, but to me, seeing them once or twice a year is plenty. They are the "work hard & play harder" type, and they like to spend a LOT of money... constantly buying more and bigger stuff (beach houses, jet skis, motorcycles, new cars, vacations, I could go on... ).

My friend believes that they make lots and lots of money, so it's perfectly natural for them to spend this way. If I suggest that they are living beyond their means, she becomes very defensive of them. So now I just listen and smile and say "That's great! A bigger boat! A slip to dock it, too!"

I mean, they have good jobs, but they aren't brain surgeons! My friend doesn't have much money, but she is striving to earn more so she can keep up with them; while I am striving to earn more to have financial freedom from debt.

Obviously, she is more impressed with their lifestyle than mine. Although my dh has a decent job, I'm a homebody who's favorite sport is saving money

. Bor-ing! But I care about her very much. It's just so frustrating. Thanks for letting me vent

**jamie79** · 08-18-2008, 05:54 PM

why dont you ask her? Get it out in the open and see what she has to say. Sometimes friendships run their course

**leezza** · 08-18-2008, 06:25 PM

Mari,

maybe she is envious of your happy life/home......

I agree with Jamie, just go ahead and ask her.

JMHO,
leezza

**Michelle68** · 08-18-2008, 06:30 PM

I agree with Jamie about asking her what's going on. Maybe she doesn't feel too comfortable with the direction her life is taking, although she envies her new friends and wants to keep up with them. This may be why she's so defensive when you've made past statements about how much money they spend. Maybe she realizes deep down that she can't keep up with her new friends and this makes her disagreeable when she's with you because she knows that you know it, too.

--Michelle

**nvmommyx6** · 08-18-2008, 07:01 PM

I agree, I think I woulod come right out and ask her, tell her like you just told us!
Tis what I would do!
Good luck, let us know how she handles it!
Mommy

**Persimmon Lace** · 08-18-2008, 07:23 PM

What about letting be who she is at this moment? Everything in relationships is seasonal and this may be something she will get over. Don't criticize the other friends as it makes you look kind of petty. Be her friend and do things with her without talking about the other people.

I'll be honest, I went through a faze like that in my 30s and we were not living beyond our means we did make that kind of money. But, I got over it and fortunately I wasn't dumped by my other friends either.

It's ok for her to be like that as long as she's not being critical of you. She's defensive because when you said something about the other friends she probably feels that you were criticizing her too. I'm sure that's not what you were intending to do but she may feel that way.

**FrugalMomof3** · 08-18-2008, 07:38 PM

I would ask her too, I mean if she is a TRUE friend she will understand how you are feeling especially if you tell her how she is changing towards you.

From your description, it sounds as though her other friends have made her into a snob, sorry to put it that way. They have what she wants so she's trying to fit the part to fit in with them KWIM?

**Darlene** · 08-18-2008, 07:46 PM

Originally Posted by Persimmon Lace

What about letting be who she is at this moment? Everything in relationships is seasonal and this may be something she will get over. Don't criticize the other friends as it makes you look kind of petty. Be her friend and do things with her without talking about the other people.

I'll be honest, I went through a faze like that in my 30s and we were not living beyond our means we did make that kind of money. But, I got over it and fortunately I wasn't dumped by my other friends either.

It's ok for her to be like that as long as she's not being critical of you. She's defensive because when you said something about the other friends she probably feels that you were criticizing her too. I'm sure that's not what you were intending to do but she may feel that way.

(without making the money like that part,lol)
Good luck!

**missmanny** · 08-18-2008, 08:32 PM

I had one girlfriend that while she didn't change really I just found that I had less tolerance for her then I did in the past.

She would constatly need to have me available to her al the time and we would make plans but then better plans would come up and she would leave me hanging with nothing to do as I had made plans with her at the cost of my DSO and family time.

She asked to joi my sporting team but then would constantly not show up for games and I was so embarrassed because I had introduced her to everyone and she was letting the team down - with no notice to find some one else to fill in.

The last straw came when she sms'd me on saturday to ask what i was diong but I had left my phone at work so didn't have it with me for the week end, when I got to work on Monday I had three other sms's from after the first getting more angry and the last one just read... fine, well thanks for the response, guess I know who my real friends are.

I couldn't bring myself to talk to her as I was so angry and frustred, I wrote her a long email detailing that I had left my phone at work and had not gotten her first message, that given her behaviour I thought that it was best if we didn't speak as much.

Now that she is goine from the picture my life is so much easier and less stressful. her life was full of drama and every conversation that we had ever had was about her and never about me (it was very one sided)

It's tough when you grow appart from your close friends.

**Greebo** · 08-18-2008, 09:13 PM

Give the friend who's starting to "jones" a copy of "The Millionaire Next Door". It might open her eyes that you're going to be a millionaire long before the high income spender with all the toys.

**Marie78** · 08-18-2008, 09:26 PM

I have a friend that lives the high life or trys too: expensive wedding, expensive clothes, expensive cars (leased), expensive things in her new expensive home. Her husband and her live way beyond their means and always have, they are my age and they are maxed out! I tend to look for good deals and wait to make purchases that are large until I have the money for them: new tires for my car, a bicycle, fall clothes, etc.... Now my friends idea of big purchases are much larger scale and nothing she has saved for. We have grown apart over the last several years. We see each other and talk on the phone a couple times a year now and email every few months. She's busy with her life and I have mine, it's hard to relate to someone when they are reaching milestones by charging up their life and they don't understand why you wouldn't choose the same path. I wish you luck with your friendship.

**daughter of pearl** · 08-18-2008, 09:29 PM

I would just let her be who she needs to be right now...maybe she thinks keeping up with them makes her a better person...is she single? Maybe she is insecure, and trying to put up a good front of having an exciting, fun-filled life...in any case, I find sometimes with long-term friendship, less said, quickest mended...just be calm, be who you need to be, but hang in there...I have a feeling this phase won't last, and she'll be glad for a understanding, loyal friend.

**annymoll** · 08-18-2008, 10:16 PM

I would continue to be friends, and do the same things we enjoy doing together. When she is with her other friends, they can do things they enjoy doing together.I have different types of friends. Income varies. I can find fun things to do with each of them. We have friends with very expensive tastes. Boats, vehicles, homes... you name it. For the cost of a few bucks in gas we speed all over the lake. It's not my boat payment.But I'm having a great time.I have friends who come to our home to swim in our pool, as they do not have one. Bring some hotdogs and have fun.You can still live within a budget with friends and have a great time.As long as they aren't pushing you to exceed your budget(and to me, friends don't do that) what difference does it make?If I'm doing well... I bring my friends along.If we are doing some serious budget revamping, our friends take us along for the ride.I do not question their income or choices. It would take a toll on our friendship in the long run.

**Luv2BeFrugal** · 08-19-2008, 02:32 AM

I think I'd just let her be that different person for a while... Hopefully she'll see the troubles with that kind of lifestyle before she gets hurt. But, some things need to be learned all by one's self.

If it just REALLY gets to you...talk to her. If she's your friend she'll share with ya...take your comments at face value...

**Ali Lee** · 08-19-2008, 11:30 AM

People change, our lives change, we change ...daily. Maybe you are changing ..and she's not. And you know what...it's ok. You're not in each others "place" right now...and that's ok. Maybe she was a friend you needed, back then, but not now. And that's ok. You might need to say good by for now, forever maybe, might pick up later, and that's ok. Life is good.... move on. Onward & upward-I say.