Need opinions concerning letter...

[mombottoo]

Hi all! I have been having a rollercoaster of a life these past few weeks and things have came to a head. So my dad really understands where I am coming from I am planning on sending him a letter...is it too blunt or anything like that? My dad is 70, but through his own behaviors has caused himself to be in one health crisis after another. He has been inpatient twice since Aug. 13 & to ER once & sent home...I'm just at my wits end and it's really starting to wear me down...
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Dear Dad,
I know you were blindsided by my visit last Saturday, but putting total responsibility for your health and life back into your hands was something I had to do for me. Since August 13th I have done my best to help you get your lifestyle and health back on track and I feel like I have been beating my head against a brick wall. The only thing trying to help you got me was being called “bossy” (repeatedly) and having other family members be told “you’re not Cheryl or don’t act like Cheryl” (may not be the exact words you used, but they mean the same thing) when they tried to get you to do things to help you improve your health. Is someone being like me supposed to be a bad thing? Those that tried to influence your choices were doing so out of love and concern for you. These same people telling you “no” when you want them to pick up things they know you shouldn’t be eating or when you want them to take Bev to the store so she can get them, have the right to tell you “no”. They also have the right to not give you ice cream, even if they have it. They may not be able to stop you from doing things to harm your health, but they definitely don’t have to help you do it.

What you seem to consider bossiness, was actually my love for you and my concern for your health. I would love to have you around for quite a few more years so you can watch your great-grand children grow and some of your grandchildren grow into their 40’s and possibly 50’s. The fact that you continue to do the exact same things over and over again, even after being told by numerous doctors and nurses that you need to do things differently proves to me that you really don’t give a rat’s ass about your health or what your choices are doing to you. Not eating properly, asking for ice cream or other sweets and wanting people to buy junk food for you to eat when your blood sugar has been so out of control, not monitoring your blood sugar or weight properly, smoking when you’re on oxygen, not taking medicine as prescribed, not following doctors orders, missing or cancelling doctors appointments or tests, not getting any exercise and sitting in that motor home day after day doing absolutely nothing is not healthy.

I have come to feel like I am an annoyance and that you consider me to be a pain in the ass. I know that you are used to doing things a certain way, but sometimes changes in our lives require that we do things differently. Every now and then we need help from others and I really didn’t mind helping you and being there for you. As it stands right now I have too much going on in my own life to end up feeling like I am wasting my time and emotional energy on someone who appears not to care whether he lives or dies. So, I have thrown in the towel…you win. You can do whatever you want, when you want and how you want, just like you always have.

Dad, I like Beverly, but she has proven to me that she is a large part of the problem, not the solution. She has absolutely no backbone and you are able to bully her just like you have always been able to bully almost everyone. She, under the circumstances, will have to find someone else to help her if you should die or become gravely ill. Beverly isn’t my responsibility and I no longer want to be responsible for getting her situated if something happens to you.

I do love you and I really do hope that you are able to do all the things that you have to do to take care of yourself and your health. I did not mean to meddle in your life and my decision to back off does not mean that I am cutting you out of my life, because I wouldn’t do that to either of us. It means that I am stepping back and if you want my help in the future you are going to have to ask for it. You are my dad, I love you and I hope that we have years ahead of us to enjoy each others company.
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[Moor]

send it! you really need to send it

[AmyBoz]

I guess I'm not really sure what you are hoping to accomplish with this letter?

Are you hoping he'll change?

Are you hoping you'll feel better?

[mombottoo]

I guess I'm not really sure what you are hoping to accomplish with this letter?

Are you hoping he'll change?

Are you hoping you'll feel better?

Hoping he'll change I suppose and also wanting to make sure that he understands exactly why I'm done trying to monitor his health. My mom died a few years ago and over the years dad and all that goes with him has fallen to me. I have two younger sisters still living, but neither of them is much help when it comes to him. He is not in good health and he is stubborn to the point of being self-defeating. The docs have changed his meds, but he forgets and keeps taking meds he's not supposed to be or doesn't take the ones he's supposed to be taking as prescribed. He's a diabetic and his sugar is fluctuating between 278-588 on any given day (he forgets to take his insulin), he's on oxygen and still smokes.

I keep telling him that if he'd do what he's supposed to do then other people wouldn't have to "remind" him to do it...that's where the bossy part comes in. He keeps trying to get my niece to give him ice cream & sweets and he thinks I'm the one who told her not to give them to him...but, I'm not, she knows he's a diabetic & she knows he's having issues with his blood sugar...duh! He has had 3 close calls in the past 3 weeks and I just want to be sure he understands why I am backing off and why he has to start taking responsibility for himself. I'm so sick of hospitals I could scream and if he continues to do the things he does when he gets out of the hospital then he is just wasting everybody's time and efforts.

[momof2joys]

Send it, I think that you have very clearly outlined the problem and all the possible situatitions!!! After you send it, at least you will know that it is in his hands now and that you have done all that you can, from the sounds of it emoitionally and physically!!!

Sometimes, you just have to step back and let things take their own course!!!

I think you should send it!!! Let us know how things work out!!

[toile]

I just wanted to add------ what a good daughter you are to care about this health and push when you felt like it would save him heartache or pain.



I am sorry he's not appreciating your help or listening.

[Luv2BeFrugal]

I think it's well written...clear and concise. Send it.

[Edna_E]

I don't think it is likely to have much effect, but don't think it is likely to backfire either. You have my sympathy - we go through similar things with my mom, and my sisters and I have started joking about the song "We're in the dog house" - and we know what that makes HER ;-) somehow, the humor seems to lift the pain slightly of being treated hatefully for doing the right thing. BTW, I've even had to dispose of meds that she was supposed to stop taking due to her inability to remember to not take them. That does solve that problem.

[Texasgirl]

Send it just the way it is.

[janis362529]

I would send it but also talk with your Dad's doctor that you are very concerned about his health. Toss old meds so that he doesn't opps take them instead of the new meds.Have his memory tested. Get him a watch that beeps when he needs to take the insulin.
My FIL is almost 80 and at first he hated any help especially when he started sliding don hill when his wife died. Slowly with SIL living with him and BIL stopping in for coffee each morning he is starting to pull it together.
When he was living alone all tvs were left on in every room, he was missing meds constantly, and worse spending all day no matter the weather sitting at the cemetary.
Hang in their hun it will get better