Child support question...kinda long

**Izzy0906** · 10-24-2008, 11:31 AM

Here's the quick version... my daughter whos 6, has a loser of a father. He does love her and up till 3 months ago paid his child support, on time or within a week. BUT, long story short, he screwed up his life and has continued to for 5 years. Lives with his parents, no license, no job, goes to school. He disappointed her for her birthday and she let him know. That was Sept 7. He didn't talk or see her for weeks. I finally track him down and find out he wasn't at his parents anymore but living somewhere by school and when I asked for support, was told i have nothing, nothing you can do about it. Fast forward a month later (sunday). He calls crying that he misses his daugher and wants her back in his life. I have never withheld her from him. She loves him and he's good with her BUT I only would agree if I knew where he was living. Ends up he was living at his parents the whole time but didn't want to tell me so I couldn't harrass him about child support or seeing her (um yeah, I'm not even close to being like that). Anyway, while he was gone I saw a lawyer and went for sole custody and child support increase. After he came back, lawyer said I can't get sole because he shows interest. Fine, whatever. told I can't go for an increase right now since he has no income and no job and is in school full time. Fine. So we decide to go for an amendement basically stating :
1. reinforces current child support order (now keep in mind that we had a VERBAL agreement where he slightly increased his payment and this would be at the old, lesser amount)
2. has him paying through the child support system in stead of directly to me (they can keep track, if I wanted to I could say he never paid me since he's always paid in cash, no record of the payment)
3. He has to inform me within a week of getting a job

No, here's my question. Do I give him a heads up this is coming or just let him flip when he gets it? He's stupid and wouldn't realize this also benefits him, his only focus will be that it's from court.

**frugal is fun** · 10-24-2008, 11:55 AM

I guess it depends on your relationship with him.

I would give him a heads up to let him know its coming. It sounds like you want him in your daughters life so it would benefit her if the two of you were at least civil with each other.

Good luck!

**Greebo** · 10-24-2008, 12:02 PM

I would advise against meeting backhanded maneuvering on his part with backhanded maneuvering on your part.

Give him the heads up.

**Izzy0906** · 10-24-2008, 12:09 PM

Originally Posted by Greebo

I would advise against meeting backhanded maneuvering on his part with backhanded maneuvering on your part.

Give him the heads up.

That's what I figured. He's going to get pissy either way but I also did warn him (when he called wanting her back and told me he still dind't have support, I told him I'll take care of getting that on my own). I'll give him the heads up tonight after I pick her up. Don't need him getting pissy and taking it out on her.

**FrugalMomof3** · 10-24-2008, 12:26 PM

I would let him know but also advise him that this benefits both of you's.

**Izzy0906** · 10-24-2008, 12:31 PM

Originally Posted by FrugalMomof3

I would let him know but also advise him that this benefits both of you's.

If you think about it, it mainly benefits him.

His benefits:
1. Lower child support payment
2. No having me ask "do you have child support?"
3. Records kept that he has PAID his support, proof. Plus no misunderstandings about what is owed

My benefits:
1. No more asking for it. Don't really need it but he still needs to pay. So at least now I can not worry about keeping track of it
2. When he does get a job (or tax return), if he is way behind, they will garnish his wages but from what I hear, you have to be pretty far behind for htat.

**Jerseygirl** · 10-24-2008, 12:40 PM

Any person, man or woman, who does not pay for the support of their child does not deserve to be warned - ok I'll duck from the flames- I truly feel, as a daughter of someone who never missed a payment and the wife of someone who has never missed a payment, there is absolutely no excuse not to make that your first priority.

**Izzy0906** · 10-24-2008, 12:57 PM

Originally Posted by Jerseygirl

Any person, man or woman, who does not pay for the support of their child does not deserve to be warned - ok I'll duck from the flames- I truly feel, as a daughter of someone who never missed a payment and the wife of someone who has never missed a payment, there is absolutely no excuse not to make that your first priority.

I see your point. BUT I did tell him. He called asking to get her from school and talking about how I'm still not getting support for awhile since he can't get a job yada yada yada... so i told him. His response was, well you bit your own nose off since you are now getting less money. I explained that I didn't want to keep track and worry about it so I'm not anymore. He said the point is though is making sure his kid has what she needs and the higher support was providing that (I never once told him my boyfriend is paying the support for my daughter. He's been around since she was 2 and sees her as his own anyway. I even had to argue with him NOT to spend $600 on her for christmas!) I told him she wants for nothing. All support is going into an account for her for when she gets older OR if she ever DOES need something (though my parents are well off and provide her with more then she needs) He said he doesn't care, he has no money regardless and if/when they garnish anything, it's fine with him since it should go to her first anyway. Not the response i expected but whatever.

**mmy2grls** · 10-24-2008, 01:00 PM

I personally wouldn't let him know it was coming since he hasn't made an effort on his part.

Going through the system they keep track of money paid, they can do an income with holding order and find out if he;s working, etc

**Greebo** · 10-24-2008, 01:19 PM

Originally Posted by Jerseygirl

Any person, man or woman, who does not pay for the support of their child does not deserve to be warned - ok I'll duck from the flames- I truly feel, as a daughter of someone who never missed a payment and the wife of someone who has never missed a payment, there is absolutely no excuse not to make that your first priority.

I would agree with you had you said "does not deserve any mercy" with regard to court action. I don't think the scumbag deadbeat deserves any PITY - but telling someone, "I'm filing papers" or such isn't pity, its just a courtesy.

In the interest of disclosure, I just put my ex wife on notice that if she doesn't finally complete something she's been stalling on since January, then she's going to hear from my lawyer. (Technically it sat 5 years, but I let it sit for 4 of them too, and approached her in Jan about finalizing it, finally)

**Izzy0906** · 10-24-2008, 02:46 PM

Originally Posted by asimplegirl

You don't HAVE to tell him.It is common courtesy, though, to let him know. If he has to go to court, he may need time to get himself money to get a lawyer, who may in turn, tell him it is benefiting him. But, from someone who has been through the courts over amendments, child support, and visitation:

You can do nothing about this. No matter where he lives, you have no say over it at all in the courts unless there is illegal activity going on. Even if he has no job, he is still allowed visitation, and child support is set at minimum wage. And always remember (we have been told this by state and lawyers), child support and visitation have nothing to do with each other. If you get ordered to give him visitation, and he doesn't pay you a cent, the police will enforce (if called) that he gets the child. One is mandated by the courts, the other by the state office. If a judged signed on him getting visitation, the only way to change it if he doesn't pay is to go back to court and get a judge to sign something else. More often than not, though, all that will be done is a back owed amount will be ordered. All he has to do is send a dollar a month toward it, and the court order is being followed.

Just wanted to let you know that in case you weren't aware.

I'm completely aware but thank you! I know child support and visitation have nothing to do with each other. Since this was a quick explanation, I didn't go into tdetail about why I wouldn't allow her somewhere where I didn't know (and I could very easily get this through the courts) because both "homes" he was at before he moved back to his parents were busted for drugs. This was originally in what I was going for but changed it when If ound out he was back home (his parents are pretty strict and allow nothing of the sort in their home). I actually had a very good chance according to my lawyer of stopping overnight visits until he was in a stable home. But being at his parents, is stable. As for the child support, I really don't care about the money. It's the principal that he should be taking care of his daughter. Period. If I get nothing for years to come, then that's what happens. Like I said above though, at least now there will be a record of it and I don't have to be the one counting the pennies. Again, I have NEVER not allowed him to see her. I even brought her to the hospital on thanksgiving (missing my family dinner) to see him after he was in a near fatal car accident. Considering the man was physically and verbally abusive to me, that was a huge thing for me to do just so she could see her father.

**momof2joys** · 10-24-2008, 05:56 PM

I am glad to hear that you are going the legal route. Dh use to work with a guy whos 2 kids were in their 30's and he was still paying back chid support, almost $30,000. His pay checks each week were only like $100.00-$150.00. At least this way, you dd will always have a savings account, since you said that you didn't need the money, it would be a nice start to college for her!!