need some suggestions (sorry so long)

[pop goes the weasel]

Better grab a cup of coffee and a chair. We are having some issues with my sd and would like any suggestions. We found out that when she was at a friends house that when they went out for a walk she just took off and nobody could find her. After awhile she finally came out of the woods carrying a bunch of flowers for the mother, who is my husbands cousin. Well she let my sd know that what she did was not acceptable. It was the first time my sd had ever been there and had no idea where she was going. She could've ended up miles from the house. My sd doesn't know that we know. We've asked her several times since the last time she was there what happened and why she hadn't been invited back. She keeps saying nothing happened. She has a habit of inviting herself places.When she is invited places it's a one time thing. Never invited again. This morning she was to have her room cleaned and said it was. Now we don'thave a big house and her room is in the attic. The room was a wreck. After many warnigns I went up and cleaned it. 3 bags of trash and 2 baskets of clothes later you could walk through it. I'm deathly afraid of fire and she has a small heater to take the chill off when she sleeps. Was I wrong to clean it? We have trouble getting her to do her chores the right way also. I apologize again for being so long.

[madhen]

I didn't see her age posted. I don't think you were wrong to clean it, especially if she is in her teens, but I probably would have insisted she participate while you cleaned it together. This way, she just figures out that if she leaves it long enough, you'll fix it. I was a messy kid, and my mother would always go in and clean my room. I hated it, because she would throw stuff away that was important to me. I didn't appreciate what she had done, and it certainly didn't teach me to clean up after myself.

I would probably be calling some of those one-invite families to find out exactly why she isn't being invited back. Once is quirky, but every time indicates there is some serious anti-social activity going on. And I would suspect that the flower incident isn't the only reason she wasn't invited back. It was careless and potentially dangerous on her part, but had a generous reason behind it. You might want to have another talk with your friend and ask her to be candid and truthful, for everyone's sake, as to exactly why she doesn't want your sd back.

[Jerseygirl]

My question is her age, is this some weird anti social early teen thing (I was a nightmare at 12) or should she know better?
I would definately find out from the family member what happened. She might have some social anxiety and this is how it plays out when she doesn't know how to act or react to a social situation. How is she in school, a teacher that deals with her daily might give you some insight into her daily behavior outside the house. I personally would not have cleaned her room. I would have removed the heater until she made the situation safe, but I would not have done it for her.
Good luck.

[JerryG]

This is what worked for my son when he was younger and wouldn't clean his room. I'd go in there and empty it. I mean down to mattress. That's it and that's all until he got a grip. Everything GONE! I'd throw it all into trash bags and put it in storage.

Now I don't know how much effort you want to put into her room (emptying his would take me all day) but I agree about the safety aspect however as Jerseygirl stated "remove the heater". That would be a lot less effort.

[Darlene]

Maybe I'm reading to much into this but the way you wrote about her wandering off and her not being concerned or caring makes me wonder if there is more going on with her. She sounds so sad and it's like she's looking for something. I think finding her someone to talk to might help her. Wishing her (and you) good things.

Ps. She'd have been helping me side by side with that room and talking about stuff as we went along.