Need Advice

[summer12601]

I have a problem with my significant other with money. I am very frugal and save money. He likes to spend it and says we always have plenty and that I don’t need to save every penny.

Trouble is that he only made $18,000 a year before taxes plus an extra $5,200 cash bonus.

He had 3 brand new off the lot cars in the past 10 years (Camaro, Mercedes, and a Truck)…yes NEW…so how did we pay the bills? I worked for the first few years until I couldn’t work anymore as a nurse…I made $55,000 a year… and bought a house.

When I couldn’t work anymore (disability), he says, “Chill Out about the money. We have more than enough.

We used his credit cards to pay what could not be covered by his salary. This made me extremely uncomfortable.

He went bankrupt in 2005.

At least I convinced him in that year that the job he was working for was no good for him. He quit without another job lined up. I put in his resume and he got a job making $57,000 a year.

My credit cards were being used for bills. I thought he would change his money habits after bankruptcy and I felt okay about using mine as it would be temporary. He was making so much more in his salary, surely we could catch up again and back pay my cards. What a mistake!

When I saw things were going the same in 2006, I tried keeping my cards hidden in my bedroom. He found them and used them. Just on stuff and food and eating out. Every time someone got sick he bought new thermometers.. so we have 4 of them.. Too many so let’s throw them out due to clutter. 7 screwdrivers, 5 different types of Listerine so we can try them all to see which one we like the best, a whole draw full off flashlights with burned out batteries used only once because he always found one that he could purchase that he liked better and had to have it.

He would convince me we need it. And if I’m not convinced, he takes it as a personal insult and starts to make jokes that would hurt my feelings, and/or gives me a dirty look and says, “Fine.” and ignores me. And the tries again later to get what he wants out of my credit, or like I said, he just sneaks in and takes my card because he doesn’t want to ask or get into an argument.

We went to therapy. He deflected the topic off himself and convinced the therapist that I don’t have enough fun.

My cards are maxed out since Spring of 2008. We screen calls .. Creditors.. Money is still being spent. He’s going to get a promotion and raise in a week. He got an mp3 player as a preset for himself even though we have a collection notice from our electric company. I asked him to return it. He fought, then agreed, and then 2 days later wanted to keep it. Is that a bad sign??? We fought again and he returned it.

I have a baby with him. I grew up with divorced parents. I want my son to have both of his parents healthy, happy, well, not fighting, and together.

He says he’ll change yesterday after we went though an itemized budget that I typed for him to see that we don’t have the money to spend like that. He told me he was delusional about what he had to spend.

Please don’t tell me I’m stupid for letting this happen to me. This whole experience has made me feel that I have less self esteem than what I had before we met. I do love him, but I hate how this disrespect makes me feel about him, but mostly about how I feel about myself.

Advice Please! He’s mad at me for being unsure. And it’s my life, my house, my credit on the line too. I don’t want the electric to be shut off or my house to be taken away after I worked so hard to get it.

[madhen]

If he says he'll change, after looking at the budget, I'd give him a chance to do so. But I would also cancel any cards that still have any money left on them that he can get to, and if you haven't already done it, I'd have a separate checking/savings account that does not have his name on it. Might also be a good time to get a safe deposit box, so that you can keep your remaining cards there.

We all make mistakes and the important thing is that we learn from them. Good for him for admitting he has been wrong-headed about money, but that doesn't necessarily mean he is going to change overnight. If he is serious about digging out the hole you BOTH created (yes, you, too, because you could have canceled those cards or refused to use them, so credit and blame where due), then maybe he will agree to direct deposit a portion of his paycheck into your bank account, or give you x amt in cash each payday to help pay bills and get you back into the black.

It is all fun and games when you are young and have no responsibilities. But you have more than your house and credit to worry about now. You have a child. And your son needs more than for his parents to be happy and not fighting. He needs financial security and parents who can teach him the right way to manage his own money when the time comes.

[jdr250]

First thing you should do is close the credit cards, then he won't have them to charge on. Then while he's in agreement about changing, open an account in your name only and have his check direct deposited into it. Pay the bills first, then give him an allowance to spend as he wishes knowing that he won't get anymore until the next week. If that means he has to choose between gas to get to work or that new toy he likes then so be it. You need to take control because he has admitted he doesn't have the will power on his own.
You're not stupid you love your husband, nothing wrong with that. But he has a problem and you need to help him with it. Just recognize that you can only tread water for so long then it's sink or swim.

[frugal is fun]

My advice to you is to take care of yourself and your credit. Cut up your credit cards, keeping only one, the one with the lowest interest rate for emergencies. And if he searches for it, leave it with your parents, a friend, a safe deposit box that he doesn't know about. Any place that he won't find it, hek put it in a ziploc bag and bury it.

I understand that this man is the father of your child but you are not married to him. Whatever is in your name do your best to at least make payments, and get current. If he wants to buy something, make sure your name is no where near it.

Keep your finances the best you can. You can not change him. My current boyfriend is the same exact way. He lost his house in foreclosure, he filed bankruptcy, he owes Verizon more than $400, he owese Comcast over $300, he is ALWAYS late with his rent, he has a notice that his electricty will be shut off. He owes me close to $500, he's owes his sister $2000. He brings home over $700 a week. There is no reason for him to be so behind other than his spending habits.

I have accepted that he will not change but you better believe I will not give him any more money until he pays me back. If he doesn't pay me back I do have the money to cover it. I would rather pay his debt, in this case the $500 than have it affect my credit. I was very supid to let him use my credit card one time, I will not make that mistake again and I hope you don't keep making the same mistakes either.

Take care of yourself and your credit!

O..and on a side note, I'm reading Women & Money, by Suze Orman and its very helpful. check it out of your library and read it. It will give you alot of things to think about regarding you and your credit.

Good luck!

[Greebo]

He's proven he cannot be trusted. You need to separate your finances from his as soon as possible. Only after he proves to you that he can and will change (and not just talk) should you consider putting your finances back together again.

[frugal is fun]

Very Important, do NOT cancel your credit cards. Cut them up but do not cancel the card. It affects your FICO score.

[Greebo]

Very Important, do NOT cancel your credit cards. Cut them up but do not cancel the card. It affects your FICO score.

That is so far from the most significant of her worries right now it doesn't even merit consideration.

If he has access to cards in her name and he runs them up, SHE IS LIABLE.

[madhen]

I say cancel them. He has the account numbers, so he can still order things on line with them, even without the physical card. Her credit is already in the toilet, as she has creditors calling her. Cancel them or get the account numbers changed. Or call the credit card companies and see if you can get the cards set up so they will call you if someone tries to use the card. Yes, your credit score will go down, but it will go back up again, and you already have a house, so you don't have to worry about your credit score for much except to buy new expensive toys, which you don't need.

[frugal is fun]

I agree 100% that he should not have access to them but she should cut them up, not cancel them. Calling the card company and having him blocked or take his name off the account or even suppend them are better than just cancelling the card. Her FICO score will affect her the rest of her life, I'd say that's pretty important.

Yes she has a home now but what if they loose it because of his spending habits. Then what? Landlords are beginning to look at FICO scores and more than likely a credit check will be done. Crappy credit and a low FICO score and she is homeless. How is not that important?

[Greebo]

I agree 100% that he should not have access to them but she should cut them up, not cancel them. Her FICO score will affect her the rest of her life, I'd say that's pretty important.

FICO scores are based on 7-10 years. She can rebuild it later if she decides its important (which it really isn't - one does NOT need debt to succeed financially). His access to open accounts is a much greater risk. If he keeps using her credit lines, SHE may have to declare bankruptcy - that'll be much worse for her than canceling a few rip off lender cards.

And speaking as a landlord, I'm interested in *bad* credit notes on a credit report. I don't give a rip what your *score* is - I wanna know if you have lates, defaults, and bankruptcies, not if you have an 800.

[frugal is fun]

Greebo, I agree that she has a serious problem but why make things worse for her, even if it is 7-10 years down the line. And waht do you think makes up the FICO score, its paying things on time.

I think we all agree that she needs to take control of her finances and bascially cut him off. How she does it is ulitmately her decision.

And I totally agree, you don't need credit to be finacially successful but more times than not you will need credit for something in your lifetime.

I've said all I could say about this, good luck to you !

[Greebo]

Greebo, I agree that she has a serious problem but why make things worse for her, even if it is 7-10 years down the line. And waht do you think makes up the FICO score, its paying things on time.

I'm pretty familiar with what makes up the FICO score, as a matter of fact. You should educate yourself - it's a lot more than just payment history.

And I totally agree, you don't need credit to be finacially successful but more times than not you will need credit for something in your lifetime.

No - in point of fact, the vast majority of credit use is *unnecessary*. With proper education and planning, most people never *need* to borrow money.

Ceashels, up until this year, had a credit score of 0. Back when I thought credit was a tool, I persuaded her to jointly apply for credit with me to help build her credit, because her 0 score kept her off the mortgage of our rental units. She's not gonna fully forgive me for that till her score is back to 0, and I'm working on getting mine there too.

I'm sorry, but you are very, VERY mistaken about the 'NEED' for credit.

[gmanch]

There may be a happy medium between getting rid of the credit cards and allowing him to continue to use any and all available credit to make problems worse. You could speak to one - or all - of your credit card companies and ask if you can put a freeze on any new charges for the time being without affecting your credit limit down the road. I know that credit card companies are often seen as greedy and anti-customer, but you may find that they will be glad to work with you if you ask.

Gordon

[Kaos Kitty]

Please don’t tell me I’m stupid for letting this happen to me. This whole experience has made me feel that I have less self esteem than what I had before we met. I do love him, but I hate how this disrespect makes me feel about him, but mostly about how I feel about myself.

Advice Please! He’s mad at me for being unsure. And it’s my life, my house, my credit on the line too. I don’t want the electric to be shut off or my house to be taken away after I worked so hard to get it.

I know this is a difficult time for you. I have seen family members go through the same thing, and it's very easy for everyone to clearly see what you should do. It's like being in a pit and everyone shouting, "you can get out over here!", but you're the one in the pit and its harder to see so clearly.

I don't think you're stupid at all, we all make mistakes and of course hindsight is always 20/20. The only definition of stupid, is doing the same things over and over and expecting different results. So now you're ready to try some new strategies. If he gets on board, great! But even if he doesn't, you should put yourself in a position to protect yourself and your child financially, independent of anything he may or may not do.

Therapy didn't work for the both of you, but perhaps you can start going by yourself, to improve your self esteem and to give yourself support for the changes you need to make. Because the only person you can change is you. It is your life, your house and your credit line! Protect it for yourself and your child!

Frugal Village is a great place to get support. We are all here for you and look forward to helping you with your journey.

[summer12601]

What specifically can I do.. I put thought into it and my head is spinning in circles.

We tried to have me control the finances for 3 months after he went bankrupt in 2005. He went along with it for that long and things were going good with the money. Then he complained he felt he was being treated like a child and started spending again.

My cards are totally spent.

I have a disability and can't work without retraining - school. Don't qualify for living expenses assistance because he makes too much money and lives with me. And I have a house that I do not want to lose.

What could I possibly do to separate finances. I've had separate bank accounts the whole time. When you live with someone, it's practically impossible to keep that person from finding your credit cards, check book, or cash. You have to access them often to even send a payment. So wherever you keep them, your partner is certainly going to find out after a while.

Like I said before, I love my partner very much. I had his son. My partner, he has a problem that's become my problem and he needs to work this out. And I need to work out something too. But I don't want to fall down the financial hole with him. It wouldn't be good for any of us.