What would you do?

[Patty A]

Ok I need some help here, and I am hoping someone can give me some ideas on how to handle this.......

I have a cousin that is very close to me, we have always been close even grew up together. Now all at once she is trying to make me feel guilty about Thanksgiving. She called up and ask what we was doing for Thanksgiving this year, and before I could answer her she went on to say "My husband (who does ALL the cooking) has decided he isn't cooking this year. I don't know how to cook, and have NEVER done a holiday meal. I have been invited to a couple of other places, but I don't want to go there and neither does any of my family (her her husband and a grandchild). If we go anywhere I want us all to come to your house for the holiday!" I didn't want to tell her that I already has plans, I didn't want to hurt her feelings, but I feel like its wrong to call and invite yourself to someone elses home! I would NEVER do this, even with someone that I am close to I would never call and tell them I wanted to come to their home for the holiday!!

I am having my niece and her family for the holiday. My niece and I are super close as she is like my daughter. I have raised her most of her life and have only been able to have one other Thanksgiving with her (since she has been grown and had a family) as she was living in another state and has just moved back to the area in the last couple years. I want the time to be able to enjoy her and her family, with it being just a small group of us so we can really kick back and enjoy the time. Another thing I must add here is that my cousin is jealous that my niece is back home and spending time with me. She even went so far as to tell my niece that since she moved home she (my cousin) never gets to spend time with me!! My cousin told my niece that I am so busy watching my niece's children that I never have time to get together with her......its NOT true, its only the way she feels about it! I am really feeling stuck between a rock and a hard spot, I want the time with my niece and I don't want to hurt my cousins feelings. I also have to add here that my cousin's husband is NOT the kind that mixes well with young kids. He has a way of telling nasty jokes in front of the kids and it is NOT appropriate to tell those kind in front of little kids! It just wouldn't be a good mix. Last night my cousin told me she doesn't want to spend the holiday alone, and I know she is just trying to push my buttons to get me to invite her.

Please tell me how you would handle this? Any ideas would be appreciated!!

[chris w]

Tell her you already have plans and maybe you could do it next year? I have a sister that has chosen to chose poorly in her life and I have distanced myself from holidays as much as possible but I just tell her that we are doing something else. Don't let your cousin steamroll you, she might get huffy, but tough. You still love her right?

[Grayce]

I'd just tell her you have already made plans.

[Buc-O-Mama]

Stand firm in your plans. You always have the option to ask her to stop by with her family for dessert at a specific time in the evening, if you feel obligated to do so. Have a wonderful time with your neice!

[zakity]

You already have plans. That is exactly what I would say.

Our Thanksgiving plans are up in the air. We usually go see his family, but they are older and had some health problems recently. We don't know if we are going there or not.

I am also not planning on "invading" my family if we don't go see his family. Partially because it would be rude, partially because I don't want to intrude, partially because we avoid my family, and partially because it will be last minute if we are going or not.

We are planning on staying home, having a ham (because none of use like turkey), and the guys are talking about going on an offroading thing if we don't go.

[leezza]

AAaaahhhhhh, the Holidays and Family.......

Stand firm with your plans......don't include her, you will be sorry and everyone will not have a nice time.....don't let her ruin things for everyone else.

JMHO,
leezza

[katybug]

I had something similar happen with my MIL. She called me from the road, the day before she was to be in town for a visit. Basically it was the she situation as you, she just invited herself. I was LIVID. We said no, and then set some ground rules.

So far they have respected them, but we still have to remind them that we need to plan ahead.

It is the one thing about them that drives me nuts (ok, one of many)!

~KB

[savvymom]

Perhaps you could offer to share some of your favorite recipes with your cousin, or if you have a Thanksgiving coupon to a resteraunt you could share it with her. No matter what, you should stand firm in that you already have plans, and enjoy your niece and her family!

[Patty A]

I guess this sounds really awful for me to say but I really think she is playing me like a fool. All her talk about NOT being able to cook, not wanting to be alone (yet she already said she had been invited to other places!) and tell my niece she is jealous is just driving me up the wall. To add to this she and her husband was here the other night. There was three small children (two 8 year olds, one 4 year old) playing and coloring on the floor not 10 feet from where we was sitting. As the 13 year old walked by my cousins husband farted......then said to the 13 year old, "I don't mind you talking, but when you stink its bad." The 13 year old girl looked like she had been slapped! I just sent her in by the little kids to check on them to get her away. He has no manners, and will even do this sitting at the table when people are eating, I find no humor at all in it! I know my cousin is trying to make me feel bad for not inviting her and her family. I also know it wouldn't be a good mix as she has already said she is jealous of my niece being back in my life. I just don't get it, I have plenty to share and have never ignored either of them. I also know she is trying her best to manipulate me, not the first time this has happened. I am sorry to be spilling my guts over this but I know I can get honest answers here!! Thank you so much for all of you who have responded, I really am thankful for ALL your ideas.

[rainbowgc]

You own her nothing. A man like that is just gross and who wouldn't want to avoid him? Have a great Thanksgiving at your niece's with no guilt and no regrets!

[Texasgirl]

Just tell her that you already have plans and that they can not be changed.
Keep your plans that you have made and don't change them.
Don't let her make you feel guilty about it.

[toile]

I feel bad that she doesn't know it's rude to invite herself to others homes!
She can't go around doing that to anyone, not just you.

I would tell her that you planned to only have "so and so" over and are keeping it very small. Add that you are just not up to much company and need it to be a restful day bla bla bla.....

If she doesn't want to cook grocers have complete meals now that she can just go pick up. Or she can make something simple and easy.

[AuntSissy]

Tell her:
1. You have plans.
2. You will think warmly and fondly of her and her Family on the Day.
3. You have PLANS.

Last, liberally season your conversation with, "bless your Heart" when she rebutts - - or she says things about your niece that drive you insane. It's a great stress reliever, and you won't say something regrettable. Then, tell her you love her (which I am sure you do, bless her heart) - - and gently hang up the phone.

I have been known to hang "quarantined" signs on my front door, as I have a relative and a few friends that have boundary issues, too...Made for some interesting (I'm sure) gossip for them later, bless their hearts, as I have yet to tell them just what dread malady I had contracted.

Anna <who knows what it's like to have everyone think she's fabulous and want to come to her house for the Holidays>

[madhen]

It sounds like your cousin is feeling neglected by you, even if you don't think you are doing anything to promote that feeling. How about telling her you have plans already for T-Day and can't get together with her then, but then offering to come over another day (soon) when you and she can have some "girl" time together (i.e, without her husband around) to catch up? Maybe plan a small but special lunch with just you two, so she feels like she is still important to you.

[fixer]

You have to be straight with her and tell her you have plans that don't include her. I have dealt with similar problems for quite sometime. Everything worked out when I realized that you are not truly honest with someone unless you are willing to tell them something they do not want to hear.